Social Anxiety, Never Had a Girl in Any Respect or Close Friends. Should I Be Seeing More Progress?

[forthebestme]

Buckle up it's a long one. Discovered porn at 11, viewed in some capacity it at least once or twice every week with rare gaps of a week, two weeks even sometimes 3 or so of no porn of any kind here and there. I'm 26 now and while there have been many girls and women over the years that I have been very, very attracted to, that have been into me and made it fairly obvious, I have never had the social or cognitive gumption to act on that knowledge and know how to interact with them to a point that culminates either in a relationship or sex. There have been people I wanted to be friends with, but those situations fall through too due to people being two-faced at the end of the day and dunking on you for a cheap laugh.

The reason for this is because even as I try, a wave of panic floods my systems, I find it hard to think and I want to run. I even have issues and insecurities talking to dudes often. I've done some introspection and discovered that the reason is that I am uncomfortable with my own sense of masculinity and sexuality as a man when it comes to facing a woman and trying to take myself seriously in a relationship or sexual setting without thinking of myself as sort of a parody. For friends, same thing. It's easy to talk to people when I undercut how seriously I can ever take myself, particularly when I talk to women. I think I've improved in that I've stopped compromising for the sake of keeping friends around, and just hanging with people I enjoy, but I still have bouts of anxiety and not knowing what to say in conversations. I just don't talk all the time I guess.

I tried nofap once before about a year or two ago and last 11 days before relapsing. As advertised, I felt (not even felt consciously. It caught me off guard) a huge burst of testosterone on day 7 and 8. I knew it wasn't placebo because on day 7 and 8 I felt the same and didn't really think it was working. But then I found myself for the first time ever, approaching a girl who was very clearly into me in the midst of hundreds of people and asking her out. She declined as I had been bullshitting her and acting like I didn't know wtf was up for 2 days prior, but I still felt great afterwards. I felt an almost uncontrollable urge to go up to and talk to every single woman I was attracted to. The only reason I didn't was because my conscious mind was perhaps out of habitual fear, saying it was a bad idea.


Fast forward to 20 days ago, I met a girl that at first I was like "yeah she's cute", but when I looked more, I noticed she was incredibly attractive even with a mask on (which she took off to show only me her face) and pretty close to my type. She wasn't even dressed super skimpy or anything. Just a crop top and skinny jeans, but her style overall was on point. It got to the point where I physically felt it in my body almost to a painful extent that I "wanted" and "needed" her. To make matters worse, she out of the three other also good-looking (but taller) guys there, was centered on me, and making it painfully easy for me to shoot my shot. Even approaching me and standing inches away from me face to face with her arms crossed and kinda looking to the side like she was too shy to speak first but wanted me to...but then she still ended up making the first move. I liked her and hung in there for a couple minutes, but then panicked and began acting like other things drew my attention. This continued through her then acting aloof and talking to other people before coming back to me and pulling the same thing, with almost a desperate look on her face because time was running out, but I ran, only this time, acting as if the reason I wasn't going for it was because I just wasn't too pressed about her and wanted to try setting her up with one of the other guys (who has little to no experience with girls. He's like 20) in that when he walked over, I walked off in an obvious way. That in the moment was still such a relief for me.

They talked to each other a bit, but even up until we left, he neither got her number nor was she really interested in any of the conversations he was trying to start. I haven't seen her since that day.

I hated myself so much after that day. Hated myself. So much so to the point where after thinking about her and feeling such regret for 3 days afterwards, the desire to improve, completely eradicate my social anxiety and be the best me I could be and even get better looking, all in order to complete clinch, own, dominate, and actually enjoy the situation next time were I ever to see her again was overwhelming. It was a split second decision that has lasted for the past 20 days of nofap, and the last 3 weeks of consistent workouts. I have seen serious strength increased and physique improvements, and I have tried to utilize nofap as a tool to aid me as I practice my social skills, talking to and greeting random people, keeping eye contact every day, ork ethic has boosted and I'm for the first time in a long time, setting goals for the long-term and making decisions that most other people don't for my own betterment, but the same social anxiety that would keep me from talking to certain people without making everything a funny jokey experience has not gone away.

Is day 30 the rough time period in which I can see these physiological changes start to manifest (as I am even putting for the effort to train my social skills) as I keep hearing (I've also heard 15) or am I going about this wrong?

 

[blademaster87]

Hey man, I related a lot to your post. I also suffer from social anxiety and talking to girls especially is so hard for me too.

I liked her and hung in there for a couple minutes, but then panicked and began acting like other things drew my attention. This continued through her then acting aloof and talking to other people before coming back to me and pulling the same thing, with almost a desperate look on her face because time was running out

I know how this feels, the pressure is terrible. It's like you want to get to know the other person but there's this external pressure that almost makes it seem impossible. The biggest problem to me is making small talk, it's like my mind goes completely blank. I'm thinking, and I want to see if you agree, that the only real remedy for this is complete honesty. Maybe you should have just said to her "I find you beautiful and want to kiss you, let's go somewhere". No need for conversations if there's none to be had. Best luck with your goals and let me know what you think!

 

[forthebestme]

Hey man, I related a lot to your post. I also suffer from social anxiety and talking to girls especially is so hard for me too.

I know how this feels, the pressure is terrible. It's like you want to get to know the other person but there's this external pressure that almost makes it seem impossible. The biggest problem to me is making small talk, it's like my mind goes completely blank. I'm thinking, and I want to see if you agree, that the only real remedy for this is complete honesty. Maybe you should have just said to her "I find you beautiful and want to kiss you, let's go somewhere". No need for conversations if there's none to be had. Best luck with your goals and let me know what you think!

Literally I've thought about just doing that on multiple occassions. I think it could honestly work. Or even something a bit more tempered and not as full throttle. but still cutting to the chase and not playing the "do we really wanna fuck each other" game. I wonder how I would re-initiate if I saw her again. A couple times I've thought about contacting one of my friends, seeing if he has her number and just telling him to give it to me lmao.

 

[fredisthebes]

Hone your conversation skills with men, female friends (and strangers) first. I actually find women easier to talk because, in general, they are more talkative than men and better at conversation. Of course there are exceptions.

Ask questions is the first point. Most people would rather talk about themselves than hear about you (at least initially). But in order for it not to end up like an annoying interview, really listen to the answers and try and find connection. This doesnt mean agreeing with everything they say, but demonstrate that you have listened and understand, and perhaps relate it to something of your own in a different context. If that makes sense? If you cant find anything, just ask another question til you do. And dont feel that you have to fill every silence, let the conversation breath, let them take the lead some (or up to half) of the time.

 

[blademaster87]

Literally I've thought about just doing that on multiple occassions. I think it could honestly work. Or even something a bit more tempered and not as full throttle. but still cutting to the chase and not playing the "do we really wanna fuck each other" game. I wonder how I would re-initiate if I saw her again. A couple times I've thought about contacting one of my friends, seeing if he has her number and just telling him to give it to me lmao.

Why not do it? Worst case scenario she would think you're kind of a creep and cut you off, but your intention wasn't bad lol. Unless you have high probabilities of seeing her again, in that case I'd just wait.