SOs feelings and thoughts through their partners Addiction/Recovery

For me, personally, this is also true. I used to believe my husband with whatever he said. Sometimes I even believed him more than my own eyes. I just couldnt believe he woulf lie to me. But he did for years. So now, I believe more men on nofap, because while this is an anonymous forum I know they tell the truth or what they believe is the truth. And yes, reading through their stories is ugly. I always wonder, did he also do this? Did he also think like this? Did he also want to do this? And the answer is I dont know and never really will know. I dont trust him anymore and dont think will trust him ever again. And, I dont trust men as a whole. Always wonder, is this one an addict too? Im afraid this will also never change. By his actions, my husband changed the way I see the world.
The question was, how does a SO feel. This is part of how I feel after the betrayal.

 

Your wife is pointing out what your actions demonstrate. How would you feel if she continued to say no to sex with you and then talked about how much she wanted to have sex with you? Your answer would be "clearly you don't, because...".

You wouldn't feel happy and great because "wow, she really wants to have sex with me, she said so". You would feel "wow, she said this thing, but her actions demonstrate the opposite and that's confusing and distressing" and which one would you believe, her words or her actions?
Your actions demonstrated that you preferred fantasizing about hundreds of other women rather than spending nonsexual time with her and building a relationship foundation.

My husband rejected me regularly. After it all came out, he claimed that he would funnel into a pmo habit in the morning and then worry that he wouldn't be able to get erect or orgasm later in the day, so he'd say no to me. Then he'd feel like shit for rejecting me and go hide in the bathroom, which is where his funnel trigger was and he'd end up going to porn again even if he couldn't get it up.
Those aren't the actions of anyone who wanted to be with me or was excited to be physical with me. Those are the actions of someone who preferred those other people. So no, I'm not going to believe anything positive he says he feels or thinks about me. His actions showed the stark opposite. He woke up and his first thought (while I was starting work and getting kids ready for the day during a pandemic and starting their homeschooling that year by 6am to fit it all in because I had to teach online from 7-3) was to go find his online teenagers.
Why on earth would I believe him about what he says he feels when his actions are so crystal clear?
Actions speak way louder than words.

Also, as an aside, no, I'm not here to help any addicts. As a fellow human, I hope you recover, but I don't know who you are and I'm not invested in you at all. I'm here so that the internal 24/7 screams in my brain from putting on a good face for everyone in my life can quiet for a minute when I express my thoughts.

 

This was exactly my first thought. Maybe he made her do it, and she didnt like it and that was one of the reasons they split.

 

This. There are not many things I was unwilling to try and experiment with, but when we came across something I did not want to experiment with, it was always something I'd been pressured into in my first relationship and had a huge knee-jerk aversion to as an ACT, rather than something I specifically didn't want to do with my husband.

I have sent racy images to partners before. If I ever did move on and find another relationship, I absolutely would never do that again, despite having done it before. And I have already decided that before knowing anything about that future partner, so nothing to do with them and everything to do with trauma from past relationships.

 

Same! I used to love our friends group. There are so many couples who are really great together and super cute with each other. All I see now are women who probably haven't found out yet. People always comment on how close my husband and I are and how cute we are together and how they wish they had a relationship where they look at each other like we look at each other and it makes me so nauseous. So then when I see other people I think that about, I'm hit by the realization that no one around us knows how not okay we are and I just feel safer assuming that that man also watches porn.

To some extent, that's how I know there's no point in me trying to move on and find someone else. If I can't trust him and respect his privacy to not go snooping on his router or download his phone data to double check, then it's already not a good relationship and I would be starting that one off as guilty as my husband started ours.

 

Do you have any in person group of women that you can meet? Much like the addict, betrayed partners need a support group. I have 8 women I can call or message. I spent three full days in an intensive with them. It is very cathartic to be in a group that understands. Very few of the addicts really grasp what they have done to their partners. Many just can’t get far enough into recovery to be able to grasp the damage, their shame won’t let them. Other partners though, they’ve felt it all. I freaking love my tribe. These women are authentic. The support is so vital. Being with someone face to face and experiencing the pain together. We celebrate each other. We grieve together. When a husband relapses they know we are there and they know we understand, and they know there is no judgement. Please reach out, find someone in real life that can help walk with you through your grief. Matter of fact if you’d like I can give you my number. I’m always here for someone trying to walk through betrayal.

 

Thank you, that's very kind. I do not have a group. The groups that meet in my city all take a very different stance than I do (they are exploring what God was doing through them by giving their partners adultery addictions), so I would get kicked out anyway.
I don't meet or speak with people because I have no wish to "out" us, as it were. I considered going to the next big city over, but as both of us have been teachers in both places, our chances of being recognized and outed are much higher than average. It would completely destroy my ability to do my job if it got back to the students or families what our situation is. There is a decent chance that a wayward student having the knowledge and acting on it in unkind ways would absolutely cost me my career and I can't move to find other employment due to custody issues with my ex.

Our situation is....tricky. We have both been exceptionally public-facing in advocating for some of our students, which put our faces in front of people. I literally don't go anywhere without being recognized, and it would literally kill me to have someone recognize me in a group for this.

As far as my state is concerned, teachers live in the school building, never have sex, definitely have never tasted alcohol, have only perfect religious marriages, and have no idea why students smell like skunk. Anything that strays from that is a recipe for job instability that I can't afford. There are no jobs here in the field of my PhD. All of the science industry jobs fled.

 

Yes, I totally understand. We were in a similar situation with my husbands job. We paid for several private groups until he retired, then he started public sa groups. That was a big reason he retired, his job made recovery far more difficult in a number of ways. I’m a huge believer that God in no way wanted what my husband gave me in marriage. That what my husband has done grieves and hurts God far greater than me. It’s also why I believe we missed out on huge blessings that God wanted for our family. My husband and I were just discussing the other day how it seems like everything in our life is easier and it seems like we are being showered with blessings. I’m a firm believer that sexual sin by far impacts every person it touches in ways no other sins do.

 

I think if you found thousands of videos of your wife sexting tomorrow and realized she had been doing this all along throughout your marriage, while lying to you, I think that might hit you differently. I’m obviously different than you, I felt so long as he was honest what he did before marriage was not something I would worry about, barring any red flags. Not even while we dated, because although there was the expectation of exclusivity and faithfulness, he had not made a promise and a covenant before God, family and friends. Once he made that promise, I expected faithfulness and honesty. I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings, I’m just saying that before you married, she was not accountable to you. She absolutely should’ve told you before marriage so that you had a choice. That’s 100% wrong and dishonest of her. Just imagine how you’d feel finding out not only did she reject you but was masturbating to and for other men for your entire relationship

 

Absolutely this.

 

I know there's a lot that has gone on DURING your marriage that is impacting you right now, but I also wonder if you realize that you are claiming equivalent hurt that your wife had relationships before you as to people who were actively cheated on during their marriage. Just as a straightforward question, do you actually believe those are worthy of equivalent hurt?

 

I would propose that you lack a full understanding of what our feelings are to try and make a claim that you are experiencing similar feelings if you have not been through the same experience. It very much reads that you are saying that her actions before you were together impact the same way as our situations.

I would never claim to have similar feelings to an immigrant in my country, even though I have felt ostracized before in my life, because even though the emotions are similar, their impacts and experiences are so wildly different that it would be insane for me to think I really understood the impact that the US's attitudes toward immigrants has on them, if that analogy makes sense.