I had the belief since an adolescent that moral principles were based on religious dogma and feel-good propaganda that people used for virtue signaling.
I had to learn the hard way that the feelings of alignment, peace, confidence, fulfilment and wholesomeness that I'd always experienced by being truthful, loving and kind even despite rationally practical judgement were not just consequences of being brainwashed into a moral framework in childhood.
I discovered that I had an inherent conscience inside of me, and it demanded a certain kind of behavior. The more I kept resisting that voice, labeling it as dogmatic echoes of indoctrination, and the more I tried going against it to pursue a life that I thought would be fully optimized for "happiness", the more I kept failing to have a sense of meaning and fulfilment in life.
Listening to the conscience has taken me down very rough paths in life circumstantially, but I've also been the happiest ever.
I do agree with you that nothing can be considered general. Maybe there is a set of possible scenarios (considering both the short- and the long-term situation) for which hiding the addiction and recovering in silence would be, probablistically (but never certainly) the best path to choose.
It might be hard to think of those scenarios, and it might be hard for truth- and transparency-obsessed people like myself to admit that those cases might exist. Just like the SOs here I really wanted to tell you to tell the truth. But my mind of pure rationality held me back.
Conversely, it might also be true that you, just like myself and people throughout history, experience the reality of a conscience that we can't disobey if we want true fulfilment in life.
The reason I'm now a complete truth-teller is that during the last few months I went through a very deep introspective search, analyzing my past, connecting the dots and reading/listening to a lot of discussion, books and work of popular figures throughout history who talked about finding and pursuing meaning in life, something that I'd felt was always missing in my life. I felt a strong sense of connection hearing the advice and encouragement to find that little voice in myself that aligned with love, truth and kindness, and then start listening to it and let it be expressed in action.
That's been increasingly rewarding to me and I have strong probablistically rational reasons to be truthful even when it might suck to do so.
But again, your experience might vary and I can't tell you what to do.
I'd just recommend starting some thought experiments and visualizations of telling your wife the truth, and of also not doing the same. Make them elaborate, and take into consideration not just the episode of disclosure, but also long-term aftermath. I'd like you to pay attention to the feeling that each scenario gives you. This might be difficult at first, but for a long-time meditator myself, I know that it's a practice of recognition that can be cultivated and used greatly.
Try noticing a contrast, and use placebo controls to diminish false judgements.
