Telling the Wife

Great points all around! Sometimes that knowledge that you don't want to let others down is enough to keep you from letting yourself down. Yes, change should be from within. But we live within communities for a reason...social support and guidance is a part of how we grow.

 

Just because you don't want it to be doesn't mean it isn't in her mind. And you not thinking it's adultery doesn't change that fact for her. marriage isn't a court of law where you get to argue semantics and get ouot of trouble because of a technicality.

 

You're aguing porn use isn't adultery. (see highlighted above) No one here is arguing you're not allowed to have that opinion. You're not alone, and disagreements happen.

However, I'm saying in a mariage it doesn't matter what you think, it matters what your partner thinks. If your partner thinks it is adultery, then it's adultery in your marriage.

For example, if your wife gives the plumber a handjob, and she says it's not adultery because there was no penetration, but you think it is adultery because she used sexual energy for someone outside you, then guess what, it's adultery in your marriage. In that scenario is doesn't matter what she thinks, and her technicalities and arguments don't matter.

 

We can entertain ourselves with semantics until we are blue in the face, but ultimately, semantics are for the courts and for the playground. Us adults use morality and common sense.

My father drank 364 days a year, but since he was sober on Christmas eve, he never considered himself an alcoholic, since "those" were the only ones who drank during the holidays (according to him). He screamed and threw things at us regularly and also hit us occasionally, but never considered himself abusive since he never did anything sexual with his children. I've also encountered raging cleptomaniacs who used the terms "borrowing", "taking", "make use of" and so forth, but vehemently denied they ever "stole" anything.

You are obviously and deliberately hurting your wife with your actions. If you don't consider this adultery, then it's mental abuse, and I fail to see how collecting more carpets to sweep stuff under would make the issue any better.

If we take years from someone's life it is considered murder. If we do so while they are alive, what should we call it? Maybe you should figure out a definition, or better yet just stop and realize that here is a woman who can't make the most of her own life because of you. Isn't that enough?

Having personally been cheated on both physically and with porn, I much prefer the physical adultery as porn is more insidious and involves more people, more lies and subsequently, more hassle and heart ache.

 

He is not in denial, he has admitted his addiction. You are still clutching at straws I see. Looking at P is not adultery and neither is M. you can believe it is but that is your personal opinion. Again he has made his opinion on this clear. He wants to try and sort this out without his wife knowing, but you continue to make assumtions on what his motives are.

 

If kicking the addiction is something you want to do, either for you or for your wife, just do it and don't tell her. Telling her will change everything, and effectively make it impossible to get rid of the addiction, because it will always be part of how she sees you from that moment on.

Insofar as there's dishonesty involved, that's already there. You don't need to take things to new levels of messy disaster just for the sake of being honest. Besides which, I think guys who tell their wife are doing it because they know they're not able to handle their addiction and want/need to feel better by sharing their problem. It ultimately just burdens their spouse. You're handling it on your own, which is good, and in the end, if you want to quit, you'll quit; if not, not. Leave your wife out of the decision.

Armchair Coach Cactus has spoken.

 

My point is that it shouldn't matter if it's adultery or not, just as it doesn't matter if you kick someone, pinch someone or beat someone. It's hurtful, and that should be enough to stop.

Sorting it out without the wife knowing is one thing, and I'm fully supportive of that. But continuing to watch porn without the spouse knowing is potentially abusive, even if it's done in moderation.

 

I hate what this addiction has done. I love my wife and I never want to hurt her. If I was able to look at porn in moderation I would have stopped a long time ago.

 

This does not go with what is known in general about addictions. They thrive in secrecy. Being accountable, to the absolute bottom line is the only way to have a shot at staying clean. Addiction to porn is much harder to beat than addiction to drugs or alcohol because of how easy it is to get. Not to mention that real intimacy, real connection helps beat it. It's just not possible to have completely real intimacy with someone you're lying to and holding secrets from. Will it change it all? Yep. Is it going to suck for a while? Yep. But the only shot at the deepest, most honest bond is to burn down the old relationship and rebuild it on honesty. My husband stayed clean for 10 years after his first stint and then fell again worse. I only found out after the second time. I'm hoping now that I know, now that he's finally being real that it's gone for good this time.

 

I'm not persuaded.

 

Not the same thing, but keep lying to yourself. That will be sure to make your addiction better.

 

Since you insist on being right...using your dictionary definition of adultery you are married having voluntary sexual intercourse (your dick in your hand, fleshlight, sock, doll, etc, as a replacement for your wife's vagina) with yourself (someone other than your lawful spouse) while watching and fantasizing over other women (someone other than your lawful spouse).

I call tell you that all 12 step programs and every sex addiction professional will agree with you that splitting hairs, rationalizing your actions, and minimizing your wife's feelings is exactly the way to be successful in your addiction recovery.

 

You are twisting the truth a bit here because I never said that. Of course there is a connection, but in a proper thought out disclosure questions are going to be asked and therefore distinctions need to be made.

 

It is also suggested that the steps are worked in order and for good reason. For example, direct amends are not made until steps 8-9.
A 'confess all' attitude without deep consideration for others involved can be reckless and do more harm than good.

 

I don't see the matter of this dispute, this thread is not entitled "what is worse adultery or PMO?"
OP asked opinions on if tell of not tell his wife about this addiction (and he make it clear that PMO is bad), so there were some who said "yes, tell her", some "no, don't tell her" and some "you know better" (with all the explanations of their point of view).