The day my Marriage changed...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by MaKa, Feb 7, 2016.

  1. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    As each day goes by, although my anger has seemed to dissipate a little quicker than the day before. I really hate it when all the reminders of all that pain try to wiggle their way into my brain and heart. I know it doesn't accomplish anything, so the less time spent being angry is working in my favor. But I'm really angry right now, so I'm gonna have my moment.......

    The selfish indulgence, the betrayal, the total lack and disregard for our most covenant vows to one another, the disrespect of oneself, the wife, and all woman during this addiction is something I find very difficult in moving forward, let alone forgive. There is a very deep underlying sense of sadness in my heart over this and it will be there until time wipes it away. Truthfully, time will only slowly wipe it away when there is a long enough period of time where he simply stops...ALL OF IT. While I appreciate the admission, acceptance, and choice to stop, is a path to save the marriage, took some courage, and does create hope..... it's still not very substantiating given the level of betrayal that's already occurred. Without the diligent work, effort, total commitment to change, open honest communication and abstinence, this path of hope will inevitably end. This addiction to pornography has affected my unity in the very worst way possible. Succumbing to the lust for anyone other than me (adultery), the lies and secrecy for years, the purposeful deflection onto me that I was crazy, stupid, over-reacting, jealous, and accusatory.

    That person's daily words of "I love you" turned into just that for me, words. Am I delirious enough to believe that love conquers all? No.....How could I, with knowing that this "said love" was not honored, respected, and treated with the highest regard promised. This level of betrayal is not okay, and will never be accepted or tolerated. The actions while under the influence of this addiction has stolen the ability to be an honest man and husband, whom was supposed to be exclusively mine. This has destroyed my confidence as his partner in life.

    I know all of this, I hate all of this, I will never allow myself to be accepting of any of this.

    Guess what addict, you lost your wife.

    Now...I will go have a better day.
     
  2. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    I'm feeling the same. Despite their current changes, the betrayal and heartless, callous behavior have done their damage. Stopping isn't enough. They have to find a way to somehow not only become a new, better version of themselves but ALSO actively find a way to make it up to us. So frustrating.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2016
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  3. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Yes....it's beyond frustrating. I'm almost speechless. The description of how I feel doesn't even do it justice.
     
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  4. Last edited by a moderator: Feb 15, 2016
  5. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    So here's the thing....because of selfish thinking and behavior on the part of our husbands and boyfriends, we ladies have been half of really low quality relationships. We've read books and done research and bent over backwards trying to find a way to make our relationships better....all the while the men have been NOT reading books, NOT doing research, NOT making ANY efforts to make our lives and relationships better.

    Now they are FINALLY making life changes. NOW they are FINALLY making an effort to be less selfish and to STOP the active sabotaging of their relationships. They are trying to put the breaks on that crazy train. But now that they are trying to make efforts to not ruin the relationship, the significant others are realizing just how little control they actually had in the relationship in the first place. We've been doing all this work trying to fix our house and make it better, only to find out that all the while, the men have been ACTIVELY TEARING IT DOWN.

    SO Please don't tell us to read another book and do MORE work to take control of our lives and emotions. We deserve to feel as bad as we want and lash out and say mean things. Maybe we shouldn't. Maybe that's not helping. But considering how much damage the men in our lives have been doing all the while they SHOULD HAVE BEEN supporting US......They SHOULD HAVE been reading books and doing research and finding a way to make OUR lives better. They should have been supportive life partners all this time. We've earned the right to our emotions.

    Since most of our partners have lived life in a porn fog and been uncommitted partners in the first place, we've been emotionally supporting ourselves all this time. We've earned the right to feel HOWEVER we feel. MORE THAN EARNED IT. We've earned the right NOT TO TRUST YOU. You've taught us that lesson over and over and over....in most cases, over YEARS of lies. In many cases, you've been lying to us and emotionally cheating on us for the whole length of our relationship.

    So
    maybe don't tell us to empower ourselves. We're struggling to survive here in the face of hurt and constant betrayal. And we're dealing with years of accumulated distrust and hurt and betrayal. We're going to deal with it differently. And if you have to suffer from our distrust and hurt feelings, maybe that's a good thing. It's time to face up to the consequences of your behavior. Suck it up, gentlemen and be men about it. Politically correct of me? Nope. Kind and gentle and nurturing? Nope. Honest? Yes. And really, isn't it time we we're all a little more grown up and honest? YES.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2016
  6. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    I couldn't have said this better myself, accept in my mind. Those mere words of "maybe a bit of empowerment is in order" was almost a kick to the gut when I'm already down. Just waking up in the morning is my damn empowerment these days.
     
  7. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Forgiveness

    The big word of the day. In these last few days I've scorned through tons of literature on this topic. There seems to be a general consensus and common theme, that everyone has the ability to forgive themselves, and others, even in the most volatile acts of dishonesty and breaking one's trust. I have thought long and hard about this for a very long time and actually have utilized the basic principles in "letting go" and "learn to trust again" many times already in my marriage. I believe that there are many dynamics to forgiveness. When trust is broken in the beginning of a relationship, and mended to the point of feeling better, stronger, more connected and open, and feeling that you have ultimately forgiven the other, only until the next break of trust, and the next break of trust, and so on, and so one, and so on. How many times can forgiveness be carried out? After all, staying in the relationship, working through the issues, and forgiving and moving forward only to be burdened with the broken trust and heartbreak over and over again.

    I find myself almost wishing now, that I hadn't known about any of it, until now. I then could just now begin my path of forgiveness. So, not the case. How in God's name can we forgive someone who continuously broke this trust? With no regard, no care of what it would do to our marriage, and knew very well the repercussions of his actions? He knew. He knew all along, my desperation for a solid honest marriage, my devotion and hard work in "learning how to trust" after each time. It literally became "my issue", "my problem", "I'm looking for reasons not to trust". It became MY FAULT! I'm baffled by this! The sheer manipulation is frightening.

    So, I'm supposed to now forgive again if I want my marriage. If there is a magic wand to do this, I'm game! What have I gained by staying in a relationship after repeated breaks in some common basic principles of a marriage? How many times does someone forgive for the same damn offense?? This leads me to the reason or response I've already witnessed while reading. "It's an addiction". Okay, I got that. I also suspected it and verbalized it to my partner throughout the breaks in trust. "Denial", yes it's part of the addiction. But, he wasn't drunk when he lied! Okay, he was in a "porn fog". But he knew after the FIRST time he was caught the damage he caused. He is a grown man for god's sake, and knows right from wrong. I can sit here all day and listen to excuse after excuse. I get it, it's a problem, deep within him, that has made him a liar, a cheat, withdrawn, and hurtful to his wife. But again, it's my problem to forgive. It's my problem to feel this heartache, It's my problem to get counseling for myself now. Help me folks, I'm all ears. I'm at a complete loss. I quite honestly don't understand how to even begin to get there now.

    So this all leads me to the question of why. Why now? Did you just have an epiphany? Did it just sink in that THIS time was going to be my LAST? I can be as supportive and loving as I have been, ALL ALONG, until the next time. I want off this mental abuse fog! I don't deserve it.

    I'm not sorry for how I feel right now, I'm angry and rightfully so. Just need some general guidance before I flip my lid. As much as this sounds like an angry broken wife, know that I find comfort in expressing myself in writing and I'm just struggling to make sense of it all. Although I've expressed that I have the love and support to give him, the positivity and patience he will need, the desire to repair this, and willingness to do all the work this will entail...I know that forgiveness is paramount in this process and I can't even imagine ever getting there. I feel hopeless.
     
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  8. Hello Melissa, I know it's hard to forgive someone you love that betrayed your trust i in them. I am 66 and was married for 35 years when my wife passed away. I remember when she found a porn magazine years ago when she was pregnant with out second child. It sure hurt her, but eventually she got over it, but as they say, never forgot. Some years ago she found that I was looking at porn websites on the computer, I couldn't deny that, she did not seem as mad then, although the site was pretty nasty. If you look in the over 40 year old forum you can read my story it's titled Sex Addiction. I know that if anyone that knows me read that they would not believe that was me. I would say most people would say I am a nice person, but I guess I have a dark side. I am trying to beat this addiction, probably for selfish reasons, as I don't want to deal with porn induced ED. I am involved with a lady friend for the past 4 years and don't think I would be comfortable talking about this with her. I have went over 6 months PMO free then something gets me to look. I do know that this NoFap works, and I am determined to beat it. I wish you and your husband well.
     
  9. about a girl

    about a girl Fapstronaut

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    I read through your journal Melissa and I also wish I never found out .... ignorance is bliss .... I was engaged , very happy not having a clue about his barely legal fetishism .... My bf is totally ok with his looking at porn .... I'm the one with the problem you see .... I also am in therapy by myself he won't go .... He rather lose me than realise he has a problem .... I can definitely relate with how you're feeling .... will never trust him near anything Internet related , All the time he was nice to me he was looking at porn valentines day , Christmas etc.... He just couldn't wait to get on the computer .... I am so depressed :'(
     
  10. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    These feelings do seem to come in waves. I experience them myself. The trick for me is to be able to vent and bleed off all that emotion just enough that I don't explode and verbally burn down our house.

    Being in oneSided relationships makes us feel like we are unable to unburden ourselves with our addict SOs. But - For a marriage to work and be any kind of healthy, there has to be mutual support. Which in the turn means that we have to be able to be honest with our spouses with how hurt and betrayed we feel. And they have to learn how to not only hear it, but also find a way to support US as we heal as a couple.

    I could certainly identify with everything you expressed.and you said it well. Try not to hold yourself to an impossible standard of being perfectly supportive 24/7. Let yourself feel the grief. It's an appropriate response.

    Then decide if you love him enough to start over. Even though it may mean starting again, and then again. Don't beat yourself up if you have a line in the sand. (I will take THIS MUCH AND NO MORE.) For your own mental well being, it needs to be there. Feel what you're feeling. And don't apologize. You got this!

    ((((Hugs))))
     
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  11. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    Sorry this hasn't gotten any better for you @about a girl
    Are you any closer to being in a financial position to move out?
     
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  12. about a girl

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    @WifeInTheDark
    Thank you for caring about me ! *hugs* here is an update :
    I am going to get my driver licence it's a big step in the right direction :)
     
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  13. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry to hear your bf is not recognizing his behaviors and breaking your trust. It's all very hurtful. My hope for you is he will soon see that his actions will cause his future much grief and likely lose his dedicated gf. Hang in there.
     
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  14. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your support. I feel better when I hear your words. I swear, The power of another womans words who relate to your situation is absolutely invaluable. I know all of what you so eloquently remind me of when I need it most. THANK YOU! I feel better.
     
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  15. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    Good girl! I'm proud of you! ((((Hugs))))
     
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  16. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    This feeling of helplessness is something we all feel I think. They hold all the power in the relationship at the moment. Especially in the case where the man isn't interested in sex or intimacy. The only choice we have is to stay and endlessly forgive. Or leave and ensure the complication of leaving a marriage or long term relationship (splitting assets, custody of children etc) and the emotional devastation of losing the one we love.

    Its ok to feel angry and unforgiving. Sometimes I want to shout at the husband. To make him feel as terrible as I've felt. Hurt him as much as he's hurt me. The thing to remember, is that you're only in control of yourself. You control how you chose to act and how you feel. Yes these things are brought about by his actions. But you can't control his actions. You can only control your reaction. Forgivness comes over time, with him sticking to his promises and changing his behaviour. If he continues to refuse to change his behaviour, you must decide if you can stay. If it is causing you this much distress (it seems like you're struggling a lot here) pperhaps it's worth distancing yourself. Maybe leave for a while? Stay with a friend? Sleep in the spare room? @TheWife sent me a good article about emotional distancing. Or something. It was a good read and maybe something you could try. Just to try and protect yourself emotionally for a while, get some perspective. Anyway, I hope you find happiness xx
     
  17. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much. I will take all of the sound advise I can get. This sounds perfectly reasonable to help possibly aid me with the emotional struggles I'm facing right now. I'm desperate to find some peace to help move forward, not only for myself, but ultimately to help save my marriage. Thank you.
     
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  18. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    You're welcome. That's what we're here for. This is an incredibly shitty situation to be in. Essentially, the one person we should be able to turn to for comfort and support, suddenly is the source of your misery. Its also difficult to find anyone else to talk to about this stuff.

    Fortunately for my husband, I can be a bit of a pushover. I forgive quite easily as long as I know he's trying. Of course, I will never forget what he has done to our relationship. I'm not perfect either though. I have quite a few (what might be considered) male attributes. (not a penis or anything lol). I'm terrible at expressing myself. I don't talk about my feelings if I can help it. I don't like relying on anyone else and I'm super stubborn and often grumpy.

    I figure,a good relationship is one where you both grow and learn. Thays how I feel right now anyway. I may change my mind haha.
     
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  19. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    It all makes sense and you got me to laugh, thank you. :)
     
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  20. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, best of luck to you as well
     

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