The Jedi Temple (open)

Day 11

 

Day 12

 

Day 1 & 2. Checking in.

Day 2 - Youngling

Coming soon, The Acolyte.


Jedi out

 

Day 13

I am feeling my self confidence rising again and that I feel like doing more important things rather than wasting my time. For the past few months when I stopped trying to do nofap, I basically wasted all of my time playing video games when I wasnt at work. Thinking back on that now I can't say that it meant anything. I can't point to anything to say how meaningful all of that time playing games were, because it wasn't meaningful. For the past couple of weeks though I have been reading some books that are of interest to me, and that I have been studying subjects which I feel I should have learned about since I was a child. There wasn't much opportunity to do so as I was growing up. There might have been a book about ancient Rome in school library, but I didn't even understand at the point I would have like to learned about that subject.

My parents didn't see it as very important to educate me themselves, or to teach me anything at all. They didn't help me to develop any of my interests or skills. In a way I feel underdeveloped in that way. But there's no point in me going to them now to teach me about these things, because they're not even capable of it in the first place, and it's up to me to look after myself now. All of my needs and wants I need to take care of now because I'm responsible for myself now.

A youtuber I watch who focuses on the ancient Neolithic peoples said that before reading anything about history or philosophy, to read Homer's Iliad and the Odyssey. That struck a chord with me because I've read a fair bit of philosophy and history. So I started reading the Iliad last night and I don't think I've read anything quite like it. I've seen the movie Troy, which is based off of Homer. But I don't think it captures the ancient written form of prose.

My point is that there is much better in life than being a consumer. There is more to life than making money. I don't know where my interests and passion will lead me, but its somewhere better than the example of where my family ended up. Destitute on a couch for hours on end watching television. That is not my destiny.

 

Day 14

I'm having a lot of urges to pmo and last night I had trouble sleeping. Normally I would have relapsed to prevent a bad night sleep but I thought it's better to have a bad night sleep than to relapse. I've had poor sleep before and I got through it. What I can't come back from is relapsing. I will have bad nights sleep in the future whether I pmo or not. Things have been getting me through are my hobbies. Although hobbies didn't prevent me in the past from relapse, so I think I have a different mentality this time. This time I'm thinking more long term about what I want in my life. I think it actually helped in a way to waste a fews months of my life just playing video games and I reflected on that. It felt absolutely meaningless. I don't want to live like that.

 

Day 3 & 4. Checking in.

Day 4 - Youngling

 

I relapsed. Back to day 1

 

Day 5 - Youngling

 

Day 2

 

Day 3

 

Day 6 & 7. Checking in.

Day 7 - Padawan



Jedi out

 

Day 8 - Padawan

JEDI KNIGHT and Angel. one piece that I bought earlier to further project #3. Few more to go before actually finishing it.

Not Tales of The Jedi Season 2?
Long Live The Empire. Hm.


Jedi out

 

Day 4

 

Day 5

 

Day 9 - Padawan

 

Day 10 - Padawan

Because an eclipse is coming soon. Tomorrow it is for me where I am from.
And wondering when this game will come out.


Fellow Jedis
Always remember: Your focus determines your reality. - Qui Gon Jinn

Jedi out

 

Day 6

I'm struggling with urges. But I'm going to challenge myself to read a fantasy novel I've been meaning to read and to read it every minute possible until I've finished.

 

Day 7, Padawan time once again!

I am still having withdrawal symptoms unfortunately. Having pmo thoughts and urges to relapse. My mental concentration is also shot so it's difficult to focus on anything. I'm having some thoughts like I'm not having a good time while I'm sitting at home and I want to enjoy my time, not to be feeling like this. Unfortunately relapsing isn't going to make me feel any better, and the symptoms are temporary. I did plan on reading a book which I was doing, but the withdrawal symptoms came on while I was reading and I just had to stop to take some deep breaths. My mind feels in chaos because of withdrawal. But I think I'm just going to have to ride it out and be patient. I think that I can give myself a break and just do something for fun like play a video game to relax.

 

Day 8

I am having a very hard time today with feelings of anxiety and listlessness. I feel heavy in the limbs and slow, a headache and chest pains from anxiety. These are withdrawal symptoms.

This video by a nofap coach put things in perspective for me

My mind, body and brain are screaming at me to watch porn so that I don't have to deal with these uncomfortable feelings. The habit of pmo as bad as it is creates a feeling of stability. Without it I don't know who I am because I used it as a substitute to deal with painful emotions and problems. I am fighting for who I want to be. I am fighting for what I believe in, how I should live and what principles to live by.

It takes courage to start doing new things that are better for me. To start living a life that I chose for myself rather than a way of life that was pushed onto me. It takes courage and self reliance to make serious choices in life about your identity. The old me who I thought I was has to fade away like an old nightmare so that I can move onto being the person that I want to be.

 

Day 9

Having watched that video yesterday about withdrawal I have been thinking a lot about what that means exactly for my life. The truth is that I have been spending a lot of my time merely to avoid addressing problems in my life that I feel are too big for me. From November to February I spend my time basically just playing video games when I wasn't working. From the context of trying to quit porn I used video games in the same way as pmo to avoid dealing with painful emotions, and to not deal with what I am doing with my life and how I decide to live my life. Addiction is an absence of living and making decisions.

In trying to do nofap this time around I have gotten back into reading, something I really like to do. But again in the context of who I want to be, and deciding not to avoid anymore how I want to live my life, I have realized that all of this reading isn't exactly going anywhere. If I were studying for a university degree that would be one thing. But it's just something that I enjoy to do in my own time. That is fine, but I have a big problem and that is that I don't have my future figured out, what career I really want to work in. It would make more sense for me to work on career goals rather than to spend all of my free time on a hobby. I want to feel like I am winning in life, not just feeling like I'm having a good time. In fact it is very difficult to have a good time if I'm not achieving anything or feeling like I am winning at life.

So I have decided that I will keep reading as a hobby, but that I will minimize how much time I will spend on that. Now I have decided to get back into my piano playing and that I am going to work towards the certificates for the piano levels so that I could get hired by a music learning institution so that I could get a job as a music teacher. That would be far more meaningful to me to do and to accomplish, rather than to spend all of my time just vicariously reading. I have a goal to do a piano exam within the next 6 months, and to be ready to be a teacher possibly within 2 years from now. 5 years from now I definitely would be ready to have a career as a music teacher or something else in the music field.

I'm not going to spend my time anymore to avoid solving the big problems in my life. I am going to keep working on these goals that I have had for a very long time and to take myself seriously. I can deal with these painful emotions from the porn withdrawal symptoms by learning how to win in life for myself. The reason essentially I think why I fell into a porn addiction in the first place is because I didn't learn how to stand up for myself and my needs. I didn't learn how to win at life, rather I learned purely a survival strategy to stay out of the way of everyone in my life and to not be noticed by other people. That was a toxic way to view myself and life in general that I learned from my parents. They don't live very positive lives and I thought that I always needed their approval before I made any decision for myself. But that always just ended up backfiring for me because for one thing they don't know how to take care of themselves or how to win at life. How could I ever expect them to help me how to do that myself? I am going to look after myself for now on, to make my own decisions and to follow through on how I want to live my life. I am going to learn self confidence and to feel better about myself by getting over this addiction and by living a better life than the one I was shown how to live when I was a child.