The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Checking in: day 32.

Sacred Heart of Jesus, pray for us!

 

MONASTERY

Sex and the world are not pure or impure. The fire can be use to make food and energy or to destroy a forest. All depends on how you use it.

13 years ago I became a monk, I left to become a doctor and I did it.

Now I'm sitting on my apparment in a Sunday afternoon, with my girlfriend.

How times have changed

 

Day 12, fire academy has me being busy so I might forget to check in every now and again.

 

Day 2

Had a nice day today, I went to go visit my great-grand parents since I haven't seen them in a while. It started raining on the way back home so I didn't go on my usual walk to the park.
I had a couple of small urges in the morning, I noticed that if I get urges in the morning I usually get a really strong stomach ache with it but this seems to only happen during the morning for some reason. I had a pretty strong urge earlier tonight too, I did this technique where you try to find 5 things around you that you can see, hear, smell and touch which helped a surprising amount.

 

Checking in for Day 12

Semi-lazy Sunday. I've done some editing work and I'm about to talk with friends on the phone.

 

Day 0:
I laid in the darkness looking at the cursed ring and its corrupting shine took over my will, I have sworn to destroy it so many times and yet I always crawl back to the cavern. Beaten yet not defeated ,I have to rise, I must.



Back on the dirt again, what ever you do guys, don't binge, its poison for the mind, it all starts with a bloody glimpse, and the ripple effects remain for days.

 

20 days today. We can do this!

Onward!

 

I'm in Bree! This is about the farthest I have ever gone.

My wife getting angry at me is what is making the difference, sadly.

 

Day 224

 

434 days

 

Day 27!
Still going on. I'm very glad for reaching this day, but I don't want to lie to myself. I know I'm still an addict and I still need to keep my mind its place, otherwise I'll relapse again. I'm the same person from one month ago, who was diving blindly into PMO, I cannot say that I have changed yet, but I'll keep going until I can.

 

1 Day

 

66 days – Paddeling down the river, you crossed The Gates of Argonath, The Pillars of Kings.

"Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old!"

And now upon to river Anduin I prepare for my final days as a Dwarf...

Gimli: I have taken my worst wound at this parting... having looked my last upon that which is fairest. Henceforth I will call nothing fair unless it be her gift to me.

Legolas: What was her gift?

Gimli: I asked her for one hair from her golden head. She gave me three.

I have put extra effort into making my body sturdy much like their kind. I feel sore all over, which is good because it means I hit a lot of muscles with that workout yesterday. It was more intense than what I was doing previously. I wanna go full out and do it 5 days a week, but I don't know if that'll harm my gains doing it that much.

 

Cut off the possibilities and exercise your power to choose now for it will set your future.

Why is she getting angry at you?

 

It won't if you split your workouts by different muscle groups/movements and keep on pushing some while giving the rest to the others. This way you can get all the intensity you desire even with 5-6 workouts through the week.

 

Some of your words

speak of expectation to fall and a fear of relapse , whilst others speak of what you keep in your mind

and

no you are not the same person for you wouldn't get to 28 days whilst being the same person, but your current beliefs like the one mentioned above can push you back into being similar person. You say to yourself

but you have changed, we cheange with every thought we entertain in our mind. Does the thought -'I'm still addict' makes you feel good and empowered on you path? If not then why do you keep it? Gradually your old ways will give way to the new and desired if you but stop perpetuating old thoughts and beliefs in your mind and replace them with the ones you dream about...

 

Relapsed.

So, unfortunately I got a really strong urge whist I was in bed last night, which I haven't had an urge that late at night in a while so I kind of panicked because my options for distractions are very limited that late at night since I my PC isn't on. And because of this limitation of distractions my addiction tricked me into thinking there was nothing I could do about it. Obviously after I relapsed I realised that wasn't true at all and that there were a lot of things I could have done like watch YouTube, listen to music, play a mobile game for a little bit, but when I'm having an urge that strong my mind is so hyper focused on the urge itself and the distractions that I CAN'T do rather than the ones that I can.

It's so frustrating because I know that if I just keep doing stuff the urge will go away. I know that I want to and should do this thing (distractions) but the pull to do the other thing that I don't even want to do (PMO) is so strong that I just end up sitting in the middle limbo state where I'm just not doing anything and I just sit there stressing the fuck out over this really strong urge. I know that this is simply a matter of "be more disciplined, stricter. Don't think, just do, before you have the chance to procrastinate the distractions" but it's a easier said than done, there's ALOT of mental hurdles to get over when it comes to distractions for me, stuff like feeling like I'm wasting perfectly good productivity time (even though it's highly unlikely I was gonna use that time to be productive anyways), stuff like "this won't work so do this instead", stuff like being incredibly impatient when I have an urge so if its not an instant urge killer I seem to just assume its not working and give up on that option. I keep thinking "just wait a little longer, just see if we can sit with it before we decide to resort to a distraction", but most of the time, by the time it's gotten to that point the urge is strong enough where my mind is in hyper-focused mode on the urge and so I can't think properly and then I can't bring myself to perform distractions. For some reason I'm too caught up in the negative effects of the distractions rather than the negative effects of relapsing, even though it would realistically look like this: either waste maybe 20 minutes playing a video game for a distraction or relapse and waste an entire hour or so and then feel like utter garbage afterwards for the next couple of days. Again, when I think about all of this whilst I'm in a calm state with no urges it's so clear to me what the problems are, but whilst I'm in that state I just forget about everything I've learned.

I'll do better.

 

Check out this bro, maybe you'll find there what you need to get over these strong urges of yours.

 

Sometimes our relapses come as the desire to punish ourselves for bad behaviors( like broken promises, bad-angry-abusive language, time wasting when we know we have to be doing something else etc. which make us feel somewhat guilty) but rather as an act of self hate and it won't help with the cessation of that behavior. To stop the behaviors causing us to feel guilt and stress we have to discipline ourselves and use our accumulated energy to rectify the wrongs, to make amendments, to apologize to ourselves and to those we wronged to stop giving promises we are not absolutely committed to keep and to relearn to communicate without using bad-abusive language to name just a few...

 

450 days high king
516 days no PMO, semen retention