the story i felt i could never tell to anyone in person ever

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by kbids_, Feb 1, 2019.

  1. kbids_

    kbids_ New Fapstronaut

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    Hey everyone

    its been a long road of PMO, think almost 18yrs of it (im 30)
    when i was young P was not as accessible as today, the occasion magazine or when the family left the house you had some time to look that stuff up
    growing up in a catholic school made it very hard to understand why as a boy we go thru these internal sexual feelings. i dont blame anyone in particular for this but i do wish my parents (solid christians at the time) and school would have taken us aside and explained the process some of us males will have to see during theeir pubescent years

    at the age of 13 if found some ads in the news paper which were for escorts, at the age i hired my first escort and lost my virginity to her, she was an asian lady who spoke no english and i wonder did she now i was under age?
    It didnt feel right, and it also felt awesome to have finally "lost my virginity and become a man" all of which was a huge joke in reality
    over the next 6 years (getting license and maturing) i would randomly hired escorts to my parent house on school holidays and indulge in P to the point the ad popups destroyed the computer (back before the wonders of youp and phub)
    at 19 i got my first girlfriend and immediately i was in 'love' i had no urges for escorts due to the fact i had what i needed. this relationship ended with me having chylmidia due to my gf having copeus amounts of unprotected sex with her ex bf, i was so destroyed for a while and found solace in PMO and escorts again.

    several months went by and i had a new gf, she however ended up causing me so much internal pain and anguish, i wasnt allowed to see my friend, i wasnt allowed to talk to women (whether in my job, university for assessments and even my own sister) i couldnt understand the jealous and control person i had in my life and once again i picked up chylmida from her after finding out she was sleeping with several guys. i stay with her for an additional 3 years (within that 3yrs i also had numeral late night encounters with escorts as she was at work and it literally felt like home to me as i felt in control in one aspect of my life.
    one day i was at work (massage therapist) and i had a male patient get off the bed and physically dominate me, at first i was alittle aroused, till he grabbed me, punched me and raped me. i kept it quiet as it was so degrading to have no stop a guy from doing that to me when i was supposed to be a strong male.
    after this incident i really ramped up the PMO and escorts while keeping it as quiet and discreet as possible

    i then injured myself quite severely at the gym (which was another thing i wasnt allowed to do and was my only good release of stress) and jumped on steroids. steroids gave me the confidence i hadnt had in years (especially after my sexual assualt) and i was finally able to break that relationship off as i had the confidence back again.. this obviously wasnt the best thing to do but it served its purpose
    the breakup got extremely ugly as my ex was the type to have my passwords or changed my email/fb/phone passwords and found my search history and email to an escort i had spoken too after we had broken up and she spread rumours that i had got herpes and stds from this women, so i basically broke away from all my friends due to embarrassment and decided to start fresh.

    months later i let the love of my life ...legitimately the love of my life
    i absolutely love this woman
    i had stopped the PMO and escorts for almost a year, i also had an enormous break down due to failing subjects and dealing with sever depression/anxiety (50% from the trauma of the prevoius relationship and 50% coming off steriods)
    she went over season to america and i was so lost and destroyed that the only thing i could find to help myself was seeing escorts. i was able to put those disgusting feelings deep inside for another few years till again (partly due to my depression and anxiety) i had found photos and msgs of her being intimate with another guy. on one end of the spectrum, i was numbed to shit due to my SSRIs and thought well ive done just as bad so surely it cant be any worse. i continues to be with her and see escorts discreetly. we ended our engagement after she fell out of love and then i started my fuckboy stage with just seeing as many girls as possible along with escorts.

    months went by and again i met a girl that sort of fit the instagram booty era, she was 8years younger than me and sex with her wasnt great but the physical attraction was enough. she was abit of an attention seeker and there were signs that she was being sneaky ( i read the signs because i did the same thing myself) eventually i lost trust and found she was polyamorous (without knowing what that meant) by this stage i was sleeping with an escorts for free as she took a liking to me.
    we broke up and i had a huge break down, suicide attempts, PMO, escorts, drugs, till one day i snapped out of it and closed myself off to women.

    at times i had attractive women throw themselves at me and i knew how complicated it was to just have sex and fear what they wanted next because i hadnt realised my prolem with escorts and PMO.
    i even had a stage where PMO overtook seeing escorts because the money spent wasnt worth the feeling afterwards.
    evenutally PMO was my thing, at times i was PMO almost 15-16 time daily and that would go on for weeks at a time, i had started a new job and i woud call in sick for days at a time and PMO the enitre time i had off. i felt disguiting, weak and very sick mentally.
    i blamed everything else except PMO and escorts.

    as time flew past i come to last year august. i met a girl who is on my wavellength, we have had some trauma in the past that made us click and we are so in love. i love this woman more than any other woman, she to me will carry my childern and has in many way strengthened me. However my PMO/escort addiction has started to worsen and i have at times relapsed to my 15-16 time a day habit and i havent go th heart to tell her otherwise as it isnt exactly an easy topic to talk about especially with the escorts thing.
    it wasnt until yesterday i was able to identify why i have been doing this to myself for so many years, i came to terms with my problem when i read a few NOFAP posts about guys and girl who have the same problem with PMO/escorts. it was sort of comforting that i wasnt alone.
    ive been day two of the no P and escort site, i plan to MO when i can only bring myself to an erection without artificial stimulation or with my beautiful partner.
    the thing i came to terms with was i was actually the problem, causing all this hate within myself instead of doing something contructive. i was the problem and i know what the solution is

    i hope that this thread can help many others as well as inspire many to tell there story because nothing is gross or disgusting, we all want some of these sexual experiences for what ever reason.

    lets all reboot our systems together
     
  2. Hi welcome here, that's quite a story and you started young. Escorts at 13!? Shocked that the escorts would do that, horrible. Good that you're able to get this out here
     
  3. Retentionman

    Retentionman Fapstronaut

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    Don't let this addiction take over your life and control it. You have the control man, you can do this, let's go
     
  4. That's some mad shit you've been through brother. Respect to you for still standing, and being resolved to move forward. Thankyou for sharing your story.

    Sounds like you have had a string of dysfunctional relationships...something I've found personally, and I think I've read about, is that those of us who've been through abusive situations often attract / gravitate towards further abusive situations down the line. But the healthier we fight to live, the healthier relationships, friendships etc we can attract into our lives :)

    Please know that sexual assault is never your fault, it can and does happen to anyone.

    Taking steps to take control of your life is something to be so proud of.

    Keep fighting.
     
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  5. Fide Leo

    Fide Leo Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to NoFap. You seem to have a long history with this thing, almost 17 years, that's a lifetime. However, you have just joined this community and have accepted what's your situation and want to leave that behind. That's an important step, brother. Many people cannot cut with their bad habits because they fail to admit they have them and, as you say, they blame the consequences on other things or persons.
    You should know you can get out of there, and start doing positive things into your life. It seems to me that you've got a lot of things to leave behind. The recurring memories of those girls, I know it can be pretty difficult to get over them. But, if you get some strength, you can make it. It is important that you gain control over your mind with little achievements every day, you can start by trying turn off the WI-fi or any other distraction that might lead you to MPO.
    That's just an idea. Try to go out of your house, starting a new hobby, practice some sport you might like (if you can practice with other persons that would be better).

    Hope you keep posting some threads about your situation.
     
  6. ImpureHuman

    ImpureHuman Fapstronaut

    Oh! This is too much. You seriously need a recovery brother.
    Together.
     

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