This quote inspired me today: I‘m Brandon Novak. Some of you guys might know me from those movies Jackass, you might know me as a former professional skateboarder from the TV shows Viva La Bam, you might know me as the author of that New York Times TopTen-selling autobiography addiction memoir titled „Dream Seller“. But what I am is a person in longterm sobriety. I‘m in recovery and I keep that first and furmost throughout anything I do because I‘ve seen in my story, in my experience what happens when I put my sobriety second. I loose it all. And I do not even loose it all, I give it away. (transcibed from the video „Addiction - Tomorrow Is Going To Be Better. Brandon Novak's Story“) Keeping sobriety / recovery first and furmost – that‘s a very good guideline! Today I struggled, because my sleep cycle is so f*cked up and I lack motivation and drive very often. Yes I do what I can to get back to a good sleep cycle. And at the same time I try to keep my cool, not to freak out because of that matter. But really, there are several issues that come together. And it‘s so much more difficult for me when I have to face all those issues, without the escape routes of entertainment, internet and porn. Maybe I‘m pretty much on the rim to depression all the time. That sucks! NOTE: TLDR in the last paragraph Yesterday went smoothly by the way and I kept all the five Seals intact. These things are „sealed“: 1. porn and subs 2. masturbation (and no sexual arousal – but arousal alone doesn‘t break the Seal) 3. compulsive / unregulated internet use and for the time being no internet at home 4. drugs (alcohol is included, caffeine isn‘t) 5. sugar It turned out that avoiding sugar is the most difficult task for me. Today I felt so down that I decided to break that Seal and bought a lot of sweets. The next thing I considered was this: should I buy the ethernet cable I cut ten days ago, so that I can use internet at home and catch up on some tasks, which I hadn‘t done yet due to sleeping / lack of motivation / procrastination? I didn‘t even realize that that alone would break the 3. Seal (using internet at home again). But my next thought was that I could use internet to entertain myself while eating those sweets that I had bought. That seemed logical, because I had already given up on being productive and instead looked for ways to uplift my mood (without too much of effort). At the same time I had that tingling sensation – it were the dancing neurons, the anticipation for pmo. I instantly knew: if you buy that cable now, you‘ll watch porn! Well, I pondered about the possibility of staying strong and clean, despite having porn just one click away. But not only did I see how unrealistic that was (disproven by so many tries! Really, just wishful thinking), I didn‘t even want it that way. The tingling sensation alone was so powerful that it seemed to turn my intentions 180° around: I wanted to watch porn. While I could see how my thinking was suddenly corrupted by the addicted part of my mind, the urges I felt weren‘t especially strong. So fortunately I could seehow all my thinking resulted in nothing more than in a plot to get my drug: porn (together with sweets by the way and probably all kinds of entertainment). Set aside the insanity of cutting and rebuying an relatively expensive cable just for the sake of continue this in-and-out game of addiction. I said to myself „screw this!“ and, thank God, I didn‘t buy that cable! But at home I ate enough of sweets to make my stomach hurt. At least then I turned to recovery and wrote this text which I‘m going to upload now from a public wlan spot. I believe that, despite all the crap that I went through today, I can still keep my head high. I‘m glad I wrote this text which really helps me to understand what happened – what IS happening. And I‘m relieved that I didn‘t made the worst of decisions which presented themselves. So in the end of the day … it was just another day where I didn‘t do what I planned to do, or nearly anything productive, creative, social .. but it was still a good day for a recovering addict who has to be humble sometimes. And of course I know: it could have been so much worse! I guess this is what „one day at a time“ also means: not every day can be a good day. You won‘t instantly become the fresh super newborn guy, just because you made some progres and fancy it that way. Rather you‘ll encounter all kind of crap but you need to push through. It‘s all part of the Journey! NEVER GIVE UP!!! Shout out to all SAIYANS! I love you guys! Remember, we‘re here for one another. And here‘s the TLDR of my long post in form of a motivational call, a lesson if you will: Whenever the addicted part of your brain suggest you actions that would lead you to relapse and destruction, just think of what it will be and feel like afterwards! Remember yourself how more miserable you would be and feel. Stay humble and try to acknowledge the (longterm) advantage of doing those little steps, that you might be capable of right now. Even if those little steps means dancing on the spot (not advancing) this is much better than giving up and falling into the traps of addiction or other selfdestructive behavior!