Urgent advice needed

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by StartingOver, May 17, 2019.

  1. StartingOver

    StartingOver Fapstronaut

    So...i need some quick advice on how to respond to my husbands relapse after being 12mths no PM. I just discovered it myself and confronted him. He is on his way home to discuss.
    Short back story... after 18mths fighting this addiction I asked him to move out until he was ready to make changes to our relationship. He moved in with his brother only 10days ago. I deleted all the software monitoring his devices when he left and discussed how easy it would be to go straight back to PM without me ever knowing. He swore he wouldnt.

    I dont want to fly into a rage like i would have a year ago.
    Please help!
  2. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    It's hard to stay calm when you're hurting so much. I get it. But, it's good that you're thinking about how you'll act ahead of time because it doesn't help when you rage. It usually just makes them defensive and angry back at you. At least that's what happens with my husband. Just try to be strong and stand your ground...let him know how you feel, as calmly as possible.
    This should let him know you're serious about things. Unfortunately, maybe he isn't as serious yet himself. I know it's agonizing. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hugs.
  3. Hros

    Hros Fapstronaut

    I'm not married yet, so maybe it's not my place to say anything, but I couldn't help noticing that you wrote that your husband had a relapse after an entire year without PM. That in itself is amazing! Try to remember this. And try to remember that your husband - as we all are - is only human. We make mistakes. And one fall after an entire year of purity doesn't just reset everything. It doesn't cancel out all of his progress.
    fadedfidelity and Butterfly1988 like this.
  4. Cuauhtli

    Cuauhtli Fapstronaut

    Remember that P is an addiction, it creates a strong dependency in your brain. He was able to be free for a year and relapsed. That is amazing! I’m almost sure it took him years to fall for this addiction it will take a long time to be able to never relapse again.
    He needs your support and bring those blockers back, think of it as a training wheel for a bike, he definitely still needs them.
    Best of luck!
    fadedfidelity and Butterfly1988 like this.
  5. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Obviously the changes you needed were not directly related to the porn use if he had been clean for a year.... What were the issues?

    Such a change and lack of monitoring would be a strong urge to relapse especially if he was doing this for you and not himself, but the way your story reads I'm more suspect of the 12month clean than anything else.

    Hope it was a one time slip and not part of a larger issue.
  6. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    "after 18mths fighting this addiction I asked him to move out until he was ready to make changes to our relationship."
    Seems like a complex situation if PMO isn't the only thing causing issues. What kind of changes were you needing?

    "He moved in with his brother only 10days ago."
    Is this brother a good influence or bad influence on your husband?

    "I deleted all the software monitoring his devices when he left and discussed how easy it would be to go straight back to PM without me ever knowing. He swore he wouldnt."
    What was your reason for doing this? Are you wanting to see if he is truly recovered and can use self discipline without the blockers? Are you secretly wanted to test him? Or, don't take this the wrong way, but do you think deep down you want him to fail so you have even more reason to leave him?
  7. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Agree. However, it is very difficult for some SO's to see things in a positive light when we keep getting shat on. I know I struggle with this too. But then my PA has done this to me several times and each time makes you more jaded.
  8. StartingOver

    StartingOver Fapstronaut

    It wasnt a once off slip up. He relapsed daily from the day he moved out. And kept it from me even though i had shared my concerns about possible relapse once all monitoring was removed. He was not remorseful at all in the conversation. He was angry and full of gaslighting.
    Since the first dday i have expressed the need for us to fix the problems in our relationship....communication, intimacy and sex.
    But even without P, he continued to lie, give a false reality to his psych in order to use them against be and towards the end he was telling me im too negative and toxic. He had always denied my betrayal trauma and just expected id get over it. Especially one year without P. But he wasnt different. And i knew it. These recent events proved it.
    The excuse for relapse was that he needed to find a new psych since moving away....so why not binge on porn until he found one? Apparently it never occurred to him the damage it would do to me, our marriage, or his son's future.
    This i do not understand. I have been an addict (not porn) and there is no way i would just go back to it without some serious thinking about consequences.
    So at this point it feels like divorce is the last consequence. I will never trust him while he is living elsewhere, and im not letting him come back just so I can prevent it again. He has never done any of this for himself or to be a better man. It was simply a case of trying to not get in trouble anymore. It was only bad luck for him that i found out. Who knows how long it would have gone on.
    hope4healing and Lostneverland like this.
  9. StartingOver

    StartingOver Fapstronaut

    I deleted the blockers because he asked me to and told me that he had given up his privacy for long enough. To me, this was the end, i was no longer going to keep track of him if he was living elsewhere.
    I wasnt trying to trap him into relapse. I did actually think that maybe 1year had passed so he would have self control.
    hope4healing and Lostneverland like this.
  10. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Starting Over...YOU GO GIRL. Hold your head high and walk away with dignity. I know all the headtrips you are talking about, and seriously life is too short.
    You can always love someone , but sometimes it has to be from a distance.

    Good luck in your new life , Im routing for you, I’m the invisible cheerleader .
  11. StartingOver

    StartingOver Fapstronaut

    Thank you. I needed to hear this. In the past few days i finally revealed the truth to my friends about the secret hell i have been living. While it is nice to have their support, hearing it from someone who truly gets it feels amazing.
    I hope i can create a better future for me and my son
  12. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I think you have done everything you could. That type of reaction after 1 year sober (or dry drunk perhaps) is quite incredible really. I agree that you need to do what is needed for your future and hold your head high. You will create a better future for yourself and your son. I hope your husband will make that easier and be a part of it but on terms that are safe for you.
    Deleted Account and hope4healing like this.

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