What is too much to share when telling my fiance about my addiction?

P

puravida.21

Fapstronaut
I have been addicted to porn and masterbating for more than half of my life, probably about 19 years. My fiance has a general knowledge that I masterbate but other than that, does not have any idea how far my addiction has gotten.

I am attending SAA meetings and working with a therapist and I've come to the conclusion that I want tell my fiance about my addiction and how I have started this journey towards recovery.

I am worried about exactly what to tell her though. I have done some research and while it seems like the majority of the NoFap community believes that there is benefit in telling their partners, they also seem to agree that some details may just hurt her more than help.

I am worried about exactly what to tell her though. I have done some research and while it seems like the majority of the NoFap community believes that there is benefit in telling their partners, they also seem to agree that some details may just hurt her more than help.

I know for sure that I want to tell her at least the following things:
  • I am addicted to porn and masterbation and have been masterbating since I was 12
  • I feel ashamed of this addiction
  • I do not want to carry this addiction into our future marriage
  • Nothing about this addiction has anything to do with her. I love her and I think she is beautiful.
  • This addiction is real and have serious impacts on my brain and the way I behave
  • While I am not looking for her to be my accountability partner, I recognize that telling her will help smash bring the addict out ofthe dark and help me feel less ashamed
  • I am currently in recovery, speaking with a therapist once per week and going to SAA meetings at least once per week with the intention that I will go more now that I no longer have to hide it from her
  • If she wants to, I will share with her how I think this addiction began, how it's related to anxiety from my childhood and early 20s
I am unsure if I need to tell her more details about my addiction (past voyeuristic actions, taking candid photos of women, masterbating in front of the window at our apartment, and even getting caught one time taking a candid photo) On one hand, I feel like a complete confession will help me feel relief but I am unsure if that will do more harm than good.

Any advice from other NoFappers who've told their SO about their addiction?
 
puravida.21 said:
I have been addicted to porn and masterbating for more than half of my life, probably about 19 years. My fiance has a general knowledge that I masterbate but other than that, does not have any idea how far my addiction has gotten.

I am attending SAA meetings and working with a therapist and I've come to the conclusion that I want tell my fiance about my addiction and how I have started this journey towards recovery.

I am worried about exactly what to tell her though. I have done some research and while it seems like the majority of the NoFap community believes that there is benefit in telling their partners, they also seem to agree that some details may just hurt her more than help.

I am worried about exactly what to tell her though. I have done some research and while it seems like the majority of the NoFap community believes that there is benefit in telling their partners, they also seem to agree that some details may just hurt her more than help.

I know for sure that I want to tell her at least the following things:
  • I am addicted to porn and masterbation and have been masterbating since I was 12
  • I feel ashamed of this addiction
  • I do not want to carry this addiction into our future marriage
  • Nothing about this addiction has anything to do with her. I love her and I think she is beautiful.
  • This addiction is real and have serious impacts on my brain and the way I behave
  • While I am not looking for her to be my accountability partner, I recognize that telling her will help smash bring the addict out ofthe dark and help me feel less ashamed
  • I am currently in recovery, speaking with a therapist once per week and going to SAA meetings at least once per week with the intention that I will go more now that I no longer have to hide it from her
  • If she wants to, I will share with her how I think this addiction began, how it's related to anxiety from my childhood and early 20s
I am unsure if I need to tell her more details about my addiction (past voyeuristic actions, taking candid photos of women, masterbating in front of the window at our apartment, and even getting caught one time taking a candid photo) On one hand, I feel like a complete confession will help me feel relief but I am unsure if that will do more harm than good.

Any advice from other NoFappers who've told their SO about their addiction?
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It’s great that you are taking this next step in your recovery! It will spare her the pain of accidental discovery! I think everything you listed is good but I also think that you should let her have some control, ie if she decides she wants to know specific details then answer honestly. Some women do and some don’t. Some women care and feel betrayed, some couldn’t care less and really believe “ all men do that”. Just be honest.
 
Ignore what p1n1983 has to say on this if you want this to be a long term relationship or headed towards marriage. He has views that are very in the moment, self focused pleasure, which while they seem to work for him, are not what the rest of us who are looking for forever relationships have in mind.

I actually think the last bullet point is crucial. My husband acts like he cannot figure out how it began. In his mind, saying something like, I was curious or I stumbled across explicit content while browsing on the internet is blame free enough. Him minimizing the choice to be unfaithful to me while were together and sexually active creates unimaginable pain for me. In contrast, if in truth he were to say, oh when I was 16 before I met you and my father was a complete ahole to me, I would escape doing xyz, I would feel so much more relieved. It's a little hard for partners when being with us is a lot like being with the drug and we look a lot like the drug too. Any detail that helps draw a line that the two are not even remotely the same is helpful. Because on our end, our naked bodies are a lot like their naked bodies. And an orgasm with us is a lot like an orgasm with them. While splitting hairs is crucial, it is very, very hard on our end to understand. Any detail that makes ie clear that porn wrecked you, did not fill you, was not good, but SHE IS, is helpful.

Letting her know now is hard. But if this is going to last, you avoid more pain by her knowing now that this is a problem that predates her and that she is so important that you are willing to endure some really hard crap to keep her and to start your marriage pledging to be faithful to her.
 
p1n1983 said:
Keep it to yourselve and work to get your shit together. Telling her this is only going to bring drama to the relationship and less attraction from her to you.
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I tend to agree to this point because this will only give her Ammo in future discussions you may have with her...I think just generalize the issue, and You fix You because she can't! The fact that you are telling her what you have dealt with in your past is good just so it won't affect your future marriage....I will have to be doing something soon as well with my fiance.
 
Soldado_De_Dios said:
I tend to agree to this point because this will only give her Ammo in future discussions you may have with her...I think just generalize the issue, and You fix You because she can't! The fact that you are telling her what you have dealt with in your past is good just so it won't affect your future marriage....I will have to be doing something soon as well with my fiance.
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I don’t know what type of people you are with, but healthy woman do not use vulnerabilities for ammo. Ever. If you think your fiancé will use your short comings as ammo, maybe don’t marry her. If, however, you mean she wants to talk about hurt feelings and you feel this is an attack ( ammo) perhaps discussing how you can communicate together without feeling attacked. When my husband was deep in addiction, he felt like everything I said was an attack. I literally could not disagree with him, without him feeling attacked. When he started working recovery was when he realized I could disagree without it being an attack. Do not marry someone, you don’t trust enough to be honest. It will never work if you do.
 
puravida.21 said:
I am unsure if I need to tell her more details about my addiction (past voyeuristic actions, taking candid photos of women, masterbating in front of the window at our apartment, and even getting caught one time taking a candid photo) On one hand, I feel like a complete confession will help me feel relief but I am unsure if that will do more harm than good.
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At no point ever share this info.

Your shame and guilt are enough! Carry them on their own and move on with your life.

With my ex-wife, while we were dating, we separated like 5-6 times for something around 2 weeks to a month or so. One of the times we split, I went to a party hosted by a friend she hated and there I met a girl with whom I slept with (I was already in the bed when I overheard her say to the host "I'll just go lie next to Barry"...good idea, ofc!) We kissed intensively for hours and we ended up having sex when the sun was already up.

It's something that my ex still does not know and I'm quite happy she never did learn.
Use your guilt to motivate you to to leave that man you were behind and become a ghost of the past.
Sharing it with your significant other is just asking for trouble.
 
puravida.21 said:
I have been addicted to porn and masterbating for more than half of my life, probably about 19 years. My fiance has a general knowledge that I masterbate but other than that, does not have any idea how far my addiction has gotten.

I am attending SAA meetings and working with a therapist and I've come to the conclusion that I want tell my fiance about my addiction and how I have started this journey towards recovery.

I am worried about exactly what to tell her though. I have done some research and while it seems like the majority of the NoFap community believes that there is benefit in telling their partners, they also seem to agree that some details may just hurt her more than help.

I am worried about exactly what to tell her though. I have done some research and while it seems like the majority of the NoFap community believes that there is benefit in telling their partners, they also seem to agree that some details may just hurt her more than help.

I know for sure that I want to tell her at least the following things:
  • I am addicted to porn and masterbation and have been masterbating since I was 12
  • I feel ashamed of this addiction
  • I do not want to carry this addiction into our future marriage
  • Nothing about this addiction has anything to do with her. I love her and I think she is beautiful.
  • This addiction is real and have serious impacts on my brain and the way I behave
  • While I am not looking for her to be my accountability partner, I recognize that telling her will help smash bring the addict out ofthe dark and help me feel less ashamed
  • I am currently in recovery, speaking with a therapist once per week and going to SAA meetings at least once per week with the intention that I will go more now that I no longer have to hide it from her
  • If she wants to, I will share with her how I think this addiction began, how it's related to anxiety from my childhood and early 20s
I am unsure if I need to tell her more details about my addiction (past voyeuristic actions, taking candid photos of women, masterbating in front of the window at our apartment, and even getting caught one time taking a candid photo) On one hand, I feel like a complete confession will help me feel relief but I am unsure if that will do more harm than good.

Any advice from other NoFappers who've told their SO about their addiction?
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Pretty much everything you said except the last bullet seems pretty solid. Getting married is about sharing a life with someone, and she deserves to know what type of issues you have beforehand.

Things that I think you should not tell her is the porn you watched and any sexual acts or rituals that you performed that seemed to be related to PMO. As long as you don't do it anymore it doesn't affect her, so she doesn't need to know. Hate to stereotype but it's hard to gauge how women react to past sex acts and porn usage. Some could not care less, others can be deeply troubled and confused. Some will understand and be very glad you told them, others will see you as a completely different person. Telling her you had a PMO addiction is usually enough for them. If she pries more, just tell her it escalated into stuff that you find disgusting and are not attracted to, but it's still too soon for you to talk about it with her. If she keeps insisting, say your therapist does not think you're ready to tell other people.

I suggest using these articles and any others you can find on YBOP to gauge what you should tell your partner. The more she understands, the less hurt she will be and the more she can help you.

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-with-a-partner

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/what-do-i-say-to-my-mate

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/por...porn-induced-ed-what-do-i-tell-my-girlfriend/

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/book/what-if-my-partner-is-a-porn-addict/

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ybo...porn-induced-problems/relationships-and-porn/

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/book/boyfriend-quitting-porn-5-tips-2013/

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/por...porn-induced-ed-what-do-i-tell-my-girlfriend/



https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/16l51n/told_my_girlfriend/
 
modernstore99 said:
Telling her you had a PMO addiction is usually enough for them. If she pries more, just tell her it escalated into stuff that you find disgusting and are not attracted to, but it's still too soon for you to talk about it with her. If she keeps insisting, say your therapist does not think you're ready to tell other people.
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I agree with most of what you said...except this part where you encourage him to lie if there's particular information she wants to know. Of course he doesn't need to share every gory detail about the things he watched or did, but if she has questions about some things, I think it would be better if he is honest. You're right about different people reacting in different ways. That's why he should let her ask about the things she feels like she needs to know, and that way she isn't overloaded with more details than she wants. Some SO's don't want to know anything, and some want all of the information. Most are probably somewhere in between. But, my point is, she is the one who knows what info she needs to know in order to move forward with the least damage and be supportive. As you said...
modernstore99 said:
The more she understands, the less hurt she will be and the more she can help you.
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Put yourself in her shoes. Would you marry a man who has issues and hides them from you, so that you don't say no to him for marriage?
Now imagine the reverse situation. Imagine if your wife is addicted to having sex with male escorts and has all sorts of porn addiction issues etc. She doesn't tell you about all this, because she doesn't want you to leave her etc. Would you marry her? And why?
 
hope4healing said:
I agree with most of what you said...except this part where you encourage him to lie if there's particular information she wants to know. Of course he doesn't need to share every gory detail about the things he watched or did, but if she has questions about some things, I think it would be better if he is honest. You're right about different people reacting in different ways. That's why he should let her ask about the things she feels like she needs to know, and that way she isn't overloaded with more details than she wants. Some SO's don't want to know anything, and some want all of the information. Most are probably somewhere in between. But, my point is, she is the one who knows what info she needs to know in order to move forward with the least damage and be supportive. As you said...
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I see your point and agree to a limit. I want to make a comparison to start off.

True story that happened to me. Years ago, I'm having sex with this lady for the like 2nd or 3rd time, and out of nowhere she starts choking me while she's on top. No warning, no safety talk, no asking if I wanted it. I wasn't "afraid" per say, but it was pretty shocking and I definitely did not like it. I forcefully removed her hand, chewed her out for a bit, and then she went home. She asked to have sex a couple more times and I obliged, and each time she asked for me to choke her. She kinda grabbed my hand and brought it up to her neck and held it there while I kind of did my thing, but it was more her just choking herself with my hand.

A couple weeks ago, my girlfriend inquired with me about me choking her during our sexy times. She asked me if I had done it before. I replied no I have not, and to me, that is the honest truth. In my mind, I was tricked and almost forced into that situation years before. I definitely wouldn't say I was raped, and probably wouldn't say I was sexually assaulted, but I think it's fair to say someone took advantage of my arousal to get me to do something I didn't really want to do.

For years I watched porn with guys getting pegged, transsexuals, violent porn, cuckolding, fantastic and completely unrealistic hentai, and some genres with coercion or mind control. If a partner asked if I was into any of this I would say absolutely not, and would probably deny even knowing about some of these. For years I was deeply entranced by sissy porn, feminization media, chastity devices, and anally penetrating myself. If anyone asked if I had tried any of these things or considered interest in them I would say absolutely not.

It's well known that sensitizing to porn causes addicts to view more extreme, shocking, and even revolting porn.

Sexual Fantasy: The More You Scratch the More You Itch (2010)

I think it's fair to say that many of us didn't really make the choice to engage in the types of porn we did, it was just a result of our circumstance. The increase of more extreme porn being produced by the industry and the way algorithms on tube sites (and just Google, even if you're in Incognito) work pushes more extreme and stimulating content, trying to get us hooked. This doesn't exonerate us from our responsibilities and choices in the present, but I do think their is a presumption of innocence still. Like how I was kind of "forced" into choking during sex and then telling my partner that I have not done it before, I tell my partners that I have not engaged in anal play even though I have done it on myself because I feel that act was forced on me in some capacity.

I admit that I am young and am nowhere near getting married, so I likely do not understand the magnitude of marriage. You are going to be sharing every aspect of your life with someone, so they deserve to know your lowest depths as well. Yet again, sharing with your partner is not about knowledge, it's about understanding. "The more she understands, the more she can help you." I think people who don't completely understand porn addiction could be permanently hurt to learn their fiancee or husband watches "violent transwoman porn" or "how to deepthroat a dildo while crossdressing" or "eat your own shit while jerking off". Even if someone is pleading "please tell me what you used to watch", they will still usually be shocked by all of those things, and I'm sure we can all think of worse. Complete understanding of your addiction by your partner is necessary for this, in my opinion, and that happens on a timeline of experiencing and researching porn addiction on your own time for YEARS.

By that logic, I have not told any past partners or my current ones about the porn I watch or the sexual acts I've engaged in related to porn. At this point, if I had to marry someone today, I do not think I would tell them either.

@hope4healing I think this is a very nuanced and important question we're both considering, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on my response. I hope I was civil and polite. Please let me know what you think.
 
Psalm27:1my light said:
I don’t know what type of people you are with, but healthy woman do not use vulnerabilities for ammo. Ever. If you think your fiancé will use your short comings as ammo, maybe don’t marry her. If, however, you mean she wants to talk about hurt feelings and you feel this is an attack ( ammo) perhaps discussing how you can communicate together without feeling attacked. When my husband was deep in addiction, he felt like everything I said was an attack. I literally could not disagree with him, without him feeling attacked. When he started working recovery was when he realized I could disagree without it being an attack. Do not marry someone, you don’t trust enough to be honest. It will never work if you do.
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You cannot speak for what I know and do not!
You don't know what I have experienced and have not.... Let us leave it at that.
 
StarRider said:
Well a quick glance over this forum tells me, that it never goes well.

Issue at hand: People nowadays marry very late with a lots of baggage. That alone is a high risk for divorce (55-90 %). So for a man it's probably not smart to marry at all, except when you're young and have no past with anyone. So lets leave addiction aside for a moment and look at how we generally deal with the past in relationships:

Does our SO want to know when we had sex with someone in the past and all the kinky stuff we did to them? Probably yes.

Is it wise to tell them? Probably not.

Lets face it: We like to create the illusion that our SO doesn't have a past, but cannot handle the truth. If we know it, it weighs down on the current relationship. For men: Your next girlfriend has probably slept with dozens of men already since the advent of Tinder. Do men want to know it: of course. Does it help them to know it: Absolutely not.

Lets say a man has been in love with three women during my life. At a certain point in time they meant something very special for him.

Is it wise to tell this number four? No. "You are number four in line" is something a SO doesn't need to know, makes her feel inferior and weighs down on her. There is absolutely no upside to this. Instead you keep up the notion, that THIS ONE is the special one and if you happen to marry them, it's very appropriate.

You can apply the same principle to your past with porn. And by this point it should be common knowledge that literally any man in the western hemisphere has a past with porn - no need to go into any detail - while keeping up the illusion that porn is only for these wankers in their basement. If you actually one few percent, that made a recovery and stopped using it, there is no need to get the skeletons out of the closet.
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Spot-On Star-Rider!! You are so right!
Thank You for writing this...
Journey On my Brother!
 
You can listen to other addicts who may or may not be in a relationship, or listen to the wives who have been married for decades. 35 years with my husband. He did not tell me about his porn use. Ironically, he was very open about his past girlfriends and sexual history with them. His lying about his porn addiction is what has completely destroyed my trust. The truth is, you can lie, however she will know something is off. She might not know what. She will ask, and you will lie some more. This keeps you in a cycle of shame. Every lie makes telling the truth harder. Every time you use makes it more likely she will discover your addiction on her own. The relationships that have the best chance at survival are those who disclose their addiction rather than get caught. The addicts don’t seem to understand that addiction alone causes divorce, breakups. Addiction is selfish. Addiction plus the added hurt of being addicted to other women makes it even harder for your partner. However, go read the women’s journals. In spite of the hurt many keep trying and work together. Many of us have been with our partner for years. We leave because they won’t quit lying. The lying kills us. The addiction is hard enough, but the constant lying, making us question our reality is what drives us away.
 
StarRider said:
It should be noted that this thread is strictly about older couples sharing their past before marriage. Teenage couples who married during the last century don't have any past to share, especially not one about high-speed internet pornography.

Also a breakup can be a very healthy thing, if a relationship doesn't work out. You're supposed to break up before getting married, if you figure out that your fiancé or you are not fit for marriage. A divorce is also possible if due to issues someone is unable to produce and care for children.

As for marriages lasting decades: The reality is that they don't. By the mark of ten years over the half of marriages are already divorced in the western hemisphere. That's the norm since forever. And who knows how much of the remainder consists of spouses who hate each other, lie to each other and cheat on each other.
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Ummm… they still have a past. Porn/sex addiction was still present without high speed internet. Maybe marriages don’t last because people aren’t honest BEFORE they get married and then have to deal with things they never would have considered before marriage. Like saying you want kids but knowing you don’t then refusing to have any after marriage. Or saying you don’t want kids either knowing you do then deliberately getting pregnant. Fortunately, in spite of his addiction, I still really like my husband as well as love him. Never cheated on him and I sure don’t lie to him. I think the reason marriages don’t last is the lack of honesty in the relationship before they get married. You cannot be intimately close to someone unwilling to share who they are.
 
StarRider said:
It should be noted that this thread is strictly about older couples sharing their past before marriage. Teenage couples who married during the last century don't have any past to share, especially not one about high-speed internet pornography.

Also a breakup can be a very healthy thing, if a relationship doesn't work out. You're supposed to break up before getting married, if you figure out that your fiancé or you are not fit for marriage. A divorce is also possible if due to issues someone is unable to produce and care for children.

As for marriages lasting decades: The reality is that they don't. By the mark of ten years over the half of marriages are already divorced in the western hemisphere. That's the norm since forever. And who knows how much of the remainder consists of spouses who hate each other, lie to each other and cheat on each other.
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We were not teenagers when we married, I agree marrying in your teens before you’ve graduated college or established a career is a recipe for disaster.
 
Psalm27:1my light said:
We were not teenagers when we married, I agree marrying in your teens before you’ve graduated college or established a career is a recipe for disaster.
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Wow! I sure am glad we can have someone like you that has All their ducks in a row like you!
How does it feel to be so purrrrfect! i wish i could be like that....not
 
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