What's going on is his mind right now? Recovering Addicts I need your advice please?

No that does not seem like the mindset of someone wanting to quit. I call bullshit on the your self esteem playing a massive part of how you feel about it. He is blowing smoke to justify continuing to do it and sway you into it.

 

Sometimes , you gotta know when it’s time to let go. Some people need their own individual time to come to terms with shit like addiction , and you should not have to suffer through it with them if you are in a different space. It doesn’t prove your loyalty , it just burns you out. Trust me. I’ve been that exact guy you’re describing. Excuses. Calling my gf insecure , do you know how terrible of a dismissal of feelings that is ? The guy doesn’t seem like he’s ready, and you can’t force change. He has to want it. If he’s not doing it for you , you gonna leave and give him time.

 

I’m only being so rough because I’ve been the guy you described . I ended up getting arrested because of it and had to move outta my place with my ex, and I couldn’t speak to her For a year. In that time I changed monumentally , and I found out that she wasn’t the one for me. So I’m happier now. I want you to be happy

 

Yes it is toxic. Destoys the relationship.

 

WE can not control them but we can control , how react, how we handle it and what we do for ourselves.

 

This is my third time trying to kick this. Once 9 years ago, another about 4. With my partner for 11 years.

I'm never going to be "recovered". This is a lifelong maintenance thing for me I've realised - you might be able to be better, or have less urges, more control, not have the anxiety, etc. But honestly, I can't imagine a future were I could watch something and it be safe - I think it'd be like an alcoholic going to a pub and ordering a drink "Just to look at it".

I'm not saying he's a liar or idiot - I have no idea about him as I've not met the guy. But tell him this, from one addict to another - it lies to you, and you believe it, so then you lie to you. It's like a parasite feeding on you, and it doesn't want to die - but you can't trust it or its logic.

 

Absolutely, 100% no. I'm so sorry. But no, he is not at all interested in quitting porn. But more importantly than that, he's not interested in caring about your feelings and how much his actions hurt you. That's what is most concerning to me about this story.

I can tell you right now, quitting porn is extremely freaking hard, even when you want to quit more than anything. If he doesn't even want to quit or see it as a problem, there's no way he's going to quit. It's not going to happen unless and until his mindset changes.

I'm not sure what advice to give as far as getting this across to him, but I can at least encourage YOU by reminding you that this is NOT about your own self esteem! That is complete and utter BS. He is doing something wrong that hurts you, and that is his fault. Don't let those lies get into your head and convince you it's your problem, that if you had better self esteem you would be okay with what he's doing.

The frustrating thing is how normalized porn has become. If this wasn't such a normalized thing, could you imagine how absolutely insane this would sound?? A guy telling his girl that it's her fault she doesn't have good enough self esteem to be okay with him watching other naked women have sex? WHILE having sex with her? That is downright crazy.

Nobody, I repeat NOBODY should EVER be okay with their partner watching other people have sex. Sex is supposed to be a sacred thing that builds intimacy between a man and a woman. Porn has completely ruined that, and it's so so wrong. You should never be expected to be okay with him looking at other naked women. If we took the screen out of the picture and imagine he was expecting you to be okay with him watching actual naked women, in real life, having sex in front of him, that would be insanity. Of course you shouldn't be okay with that.

I unfortunately have no idea how you can get him to understand that, but I hope that you at least understand and believe that. None of this is anything wrong with you. You are functioning exactly as you should by feeling hurt and jealous and upset by him not only having eyes for you. THAT is natural and healthy. What he is doing is NOT.

 

Are you married or dating? If dating, I would 100% just say screw it and leave him. You can find much better men out there. You don't need to waste time and energy fixing one who doesn't give a crap about your feelings.

Marriage would be a slightly different story, and there are things I would recommend trying before calling it quits, like marriage counseling for one. But if you're just dating, I wouldn't even bother. I would be out of there ASAP, and I would tell him exactly why you are leaving. I would tell him that he did this by not caring about how his actions hurt you. He will probably roll his eyes now, but maybe in 10 years he will grow up and realize how wrong he was.