What's the point of Relationships?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by TrueSaiyan2.0, Jul 10, 2021.

  1. TrueSaiyan2.0

    TrueSaiyan2.0 Fapstronaut

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    I'm just asking this, because I ended one last week Wednesday.

    She basically threw the last straw at me and I have the comment still in my eyes.
    But what is the point of friendships/relationships? I've been told that they don't last forever. I'm theoretically starting to believe this to be true. Since I've had many failed ones in the past year. Maybe I'm just in denial right now and not at my prime. I'll be honest with you people and that I only have about 3-4 close friends.

    Life is very rough right now and I deleted a social media platform family I was apart of. Somethings just telling me to be alone right now.

    But what do you think nofap? Do you have a number of friendships or relationships? Are they all special to you in every way? Did you have any close friends that you needed to boot out of your life?... At this point I'm not sure anymore.
     
    Buddhism Is True likes this.
  2. CAKCy

    CAKCy Fapstronaut

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    I won't respond to the friendship part of the question since I have very few people I can truly call friends.
    The point of a relationship for me...
    It's what inspires me. What makes me feel happy. What makes me feel good about life, about the world. It makes loneliness disappear. It charges my batteries. It gives me a reason to live. It's the oxygen of my soul. It makes me want to be a better man. ("As good as it gets." - Nicholson, Hunt)

    Yes... relationships don't always last forever. There are relationships that their termination doesn't hurt as much. But there are those that destroyed my days and nights for a very long time and grief escorted me like a shadow for a good part of my life. Could I be wiser? I don't know... I'm not sure... When one falls in love with a person one does it for many reasons. Depending on whether these reasons hold through the passing of time is what makes a relationship special or not.
     
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  3. Buddhism Is True

    Buddhism Is True Fapstronaut

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    Friends should motivate and inspire you to be more than what you are. So should lovers. So your job is to be the sort of friend, and the sort of lover, that motivates and inspires your companions to be more than what they are. To be better. The purpose of relationships is to make one another better.
     
  4. loverofpeace

    loverofpeace Fapstronaut

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    We're not meant to be alone. That's a basic principle. We are meant to live in relationship to others.
    Even monks and even hermits experience relationships and see themselves in relationship to others.

    Trying to make life good for others makes for good relationships, whether it's online communities, friends, dating...just don't be selfish about it, although there's nothing wrong in seeking comfort and joy : )
     
  5. Buddhism Is True

    Buddhism Is True Fapstronaut

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    Having lived at a monastery for nearly a year I can confirm this. They strive to be unburdensome in relationships because their success is dependent on them.
     
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  6. TrueSaiyan2.0

    TrueSaiyan2.0 Fapstronaut

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    Maybe it's a wiser decision? I like what you are saying here. The fact is she was very loving and understanding towards me, but near the end we were very toxic with each other. I will say to my heart that I love her and understand her for who she is.

    Maybe this is a "brake".

    Awkwardly enough I saw a Tarot card reading. Normally I don't believe in this sort of thing and never really ventured out to this point in my life. But the death card popped up half way threw; then a rebirth card happened next. I'm not sure what it truly means, if there will be a new beginning or healing to make our time heal. But oddly the readings I've viewed are kind how life's going. Maybe my skepticism is fading on this.
     
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  7. TrueSaiyan2.0

    TrueSaiyan2.0 Fapstronaut

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    I've been reading a book called Think like a monk. I'm realizing the value's of the relationship disappeared, not only with me being toxic, I believe it took a place in her to absorb that energy and made her toxic back. I realize our sentimental values evaporated.
     
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  8. Buddhism Is True

    Buddhism Is True Fapstronaut

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    The revelation that finally motivated me to stop looking at porn was very similar to this. I had two experiences back to back, one with an ex-girl friend and one with a new prospect, that shined a bright light on exactly how bad I am at relating to women. Its as though I have carried around this magical badge that says "The One" on it. And I have gone from women to women pinning that badge to her chest without even realizing it. Without any consideration for whether or not she wanted it. Without any consideration for whether or not I wanted it there. I have habitually trashed my own world in an attempt to gain access to theirs. I am still working through the implications of this habit, sorting out exactly how it manifests, and refocusing my energy on developing a better one, but the underlying reality is now painfully obvious and can't be unseen: I've been acting like a pathetic piece of shit who is unworthy of the women he desires without even realizing it. The result of this attitude is that none of the relationships I have been in ever really worked. Either they were short lived and volatile or long lived and stale. And in every case they were with women that were damaged and desperate in one way or another. And here is the kicker, by indulging in pornography I was cloning feelings of success with women that made me think my idiotic attitude was the right one, and that my mediocre relationships were the best I would ever have. Once I realized that is what I was actually doing by looking at porn, the details of the various fetishes and exact amount of time spent indulging became irrelevant.

    That magical badge that says "The One" is now pinned to my chest. And pretty much every ounce of my effort goes into creating and developing the life I want to live and the world I want to live in. I relate to people with an attitude of "are you making my life better?" It's as true for my friendships with men as it is with my relationships with women. I am the prize to be competed for. The goal is to make my life so much better that the women I desire are fighting over that badge, constantly trying to steal it when I am not looking. I have a lot of work to do, but my underlying attitude is finally changing. If you are struggling in the same way I was, I hope you come around to a similar recognition. It makes all the difference.
     
    loverofpeace, TrueSaiyan2.0 and CAKCy like this.
  9. So you've become that Jet Li character. :)
     
  10. I think it might be they are all special to them in their own way. Realistically very few people can be someones "everything" and when that romantic idealization becomes an expectation then of course you're bound to be disappointed to some degree. It's better to have no expectation and have people exceed it and/or pleasantly surprise you.

    And basically, expectation = people special to you in your way, not the way they actually, objectively are. It's a misperception and even if it's not significant in the beginning it can add up and compound over time.

    For me it's mostly been fading away over time. I think it goes back to expectations, that buddies are supposed to be this or that way, romantic partners even more specifically - which is all superimposed thinking instead of taking them for who they are. Some people are just more flaky in some ways.

    If any thing, I will just stop making an effort to connect on my side because they have these iron clad expectations and cannot be reasonable about the very basic and simple idea of accepting someone for who they are, or even actually bother to look and see the person for who they are. There will also never be a real conversation about it, it's like there's an inability to see things from another persons perspective. This works in business like when you have a job description, but I think it's very dysfunctional to treat people this way as if they're an automaton there to serve you with no life of their own. And of course, it happens all the time - a lot of it from older family members that just takes it as a given that they know better because they are older, but it happens to a lesser degree and in other ways with both friendships and romantic relationships.

    To answer the question in the subject, the "point" I think is you can relate on multiple levels, as a whole person. It's not like a damn job where you just do X or Y and you get paid money, you're supposed to have a deeper understanding of each other and that would make for a smoother time being with each other. But if people never question their assumptions, maybe because the ones typical in the culture nor have even basic psychological literacy then it'll probably end with fairly shallow judgments. If people did have a better understanding it can be more like okay, we're just very different people and it won't work, but the basic "you're a bad person" is a sign that probably points to a lack of understanding both of each other and human nature.
     
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  11. Buddhism Is True

    Buddhism Is True Fapstronaut

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    I'm mother fucking NEO!
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2021
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  12. CAKCy

    CAKCy Fapstronaut

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    You are too young. Give yourself time. Your dad's opinion, I'm sorry but, is wrong. Did he have girlfriends even after he married your mother? If not... when did he marry your mom? Would you say that your father's behavior (having 30 girlfriends or more) was a "slutty sexual history"??

    A "slutty sexual history" has nothing to do with a woman being a virgin or not.

    I agree that it's hard to find a decent woman. Before that happens you have to be a decent man. If you go around looking for a virgin you are not doing yourself a favor. You have some growing up to do and your dad isn't helping...

    Personal question: Was your first prostitute your dad's idea?
     
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