Wrestling with a fetish all my life

Thank you all for your comments, and it's encouraging to know that my experienced are helping others

I talk a lot about asking God to change the heart, but it just occurred to me today that I've been so focused on resisting PMO that I haven't considered the change of heart with respect to other areas of life. I have done so... but nowhere near as thoroughly. I felt convicted to start doing this today.

I recently advised somebody in another thread that we should confess not only what we have done but what our hearts want us to do, because that's where the root of the sin it. Again I was only speaking in related to PMO recovery but the principle applies to all areas of our lives.

 

Temptations have been acting up a bit over the past few days, though I'm not really sure how to describe them. Pangs feel as through they are all in my head and not in my genitals. I want the dopamine rush of exploring my fantasies, but not necessarily the sexual pleasure leading up to and including O. That said, all the temptations have some sexual element... it feels as though the dopamine rush could only be triggered by the images I used to fantasise over.

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I had an "Inception"-like level dream-within-a-dream last night!

To make this less confusing, let's say I, my real self, am Xande A and the fake version of myself in the dream is Xande B.

B's dream within A's dream concerned my usual fantasies, and B woke up and started M-ing without O. Although it was only M and no PO, either way, the 310+ day streak was broken, but not completely, and it left B not really knowing what to do. Face the shame of admitting failure or the confusion of a day count that's accurate w.r.t. P&O but not M? Or go all the way as B would normally do when he slipped into MO or PMO? Normally PMO would lead to a full-on "well I've broken my streak, might as well enjoy it" binge involving all the old activities, but B was only guilty of M so far.

B continued to M as he thought this over, slipping in an out of his dream. The idea of completely giving in to all the old practices - searching online, drawing, etc. - grew stronger and stronger. This train of thought has been experienced by A in the past, and real, long (albeit shorter) streaks have ended because of this line of thinking.

A's dream ended before B reached a decision, however. I, A, was relieved that no errors had occurred at all.

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As I write I realise B's sense of resignation to his failure is still being felt by my real A self, even though no such failure has occurred. Perhaps this is the best way to describe the subtle temptations I'm going through right now, though I've felt like this yesterday (before I had the dream) also.

The resignation to failure is part of a cycle those stuck in the habit often face:
1. One is trapped in PMO, giving in on a regular basis
2. One manages to break free for a while
3. This becomes a multi-day/week/month streak, but temptations get harder
4. One slips up
5. One accepts that they have given up and wants to "make the most" of it
6. And therefore starts to binge again... return to stage 1.

Perhaps my brain is somehow going trying to go through this cycle, forcing state number 5 onto me even though states 1, 4 and 6 never occurred during this "cycle". It sort of reminds me of jetlag... we have circadian rhythm that dictates when we get tired, when we get hungry, when we're alert, etc. Even after we fly across the world and sleep and eat and expose ourselves to sunlight at different times, for a while our bodies insist on us sleeping at certain times and sometimes won't even allow us to sleep when we want to!

We have spent our lives devoted to evil images and thoughts, and acting on our temptations through our sexual organs. We've trained these 'sexual clocks' to expect certain behaviours and mindsets. We can remove the behaviours, but the mindsets still have set times in which they need to activate.

Of course, I'm no neuroscientist... this is all just a theory based on my observations.

 

Things have been going strong generally, but not without temptations.

For the purposes of this post at least I think there are two main categories of temptation:

1. Individual triggers - Those moments when an attractive woman, a tempting scene on TV etc. catch my eye and trigger a brief surge that makes me want to touch myself or entertain some fantasy in my head.
   
2. A more fundamental temptation to submit to the old lifestyle. As a consequence of giving into this I would not only let the triggers of #1 get the better of me, but I would plan to fail... plan drawing stories of my fantasies, plan self-bondage sessions, collect archives of videos and photos that turn me on etc. and not delete them in frustration after I O but save them for next time. A complete surrender to the life of sin. This kind of more fundamental temptation usually affects me more first thing in the morning, when it affects me at all, but these temptations also come in waves, it seems.

Both are easy to resist now, though I choose not to be complacent in either case. Number 2 breaks down even further:

2A) There's a form of "mourning" - times when I miss the old lifestyle. I miss working on my story about Naomi or some of the "lesser" female characters I used to draw into my fantasies. I miss the hours spent in self bondage. Curiously I don't feel as though I miss all the hunting and seeking online. I think the futility of that one has truly taken root, possibly because I have very little control over what I actually find and would often be disappointed when I did. In any case, the choice of the word "mourning" speaks for the fact that this part of me has died. I have come to accept that I will no longer be drawing my fantasies, acting them out on myself or seeking them online.

2B) There's a form of frustration regarding ideas I never explored, or new ideas that present themselves when I encounter a "type 1" temptation. These 2B temptations are the biggest threat, I feel. Novelty has a very powerful influence over temptation in general... it's part of our animalistic desires. Novelty tempts me to think "if only I was still surrendered to my sin, then I would...." or rather "I wish I had thought of this when I was willingly giving in".

Type 1 still occurs on a daily basis but its influence is definitely weaker, praise God! Type 2 temptations have been more present in the past week, but I've noticed it's much easier to move on from them than it used to me. Type 2 tempts me into the old lifestyle, but it's easier to remind myself "you've put that life behind though, this train of thought is entirely futile.". To some extent I can do this with Type 1 also... a fantasy will start to form about somebody but it doesn't get far before I automatically say to myself "No, this is pointless too. Not only does it have no place in the heart of a Godly man but this fantasy will never come true. Move along."

Recognising the futility of it all really has been key in keeping this streak going. Well, that and God changing my heart, of course! But I think for me recognition of how futile PMO is is one of the most noticable hallmarks of this change that He has done in me.

 

Have been travelling for work for the past week or so but just got back yesterday.

Nocturnal emission last night. Extremely rare for me, but the second during this streak. I don't count it as a failure, and I can't even remember any fetish dreams that would likely have triggered it. but I want to make a point of reporting all such events.

As I approach a year of freedom, the truth of the fact that we don't need PMO really sunk in even further during my reflections the other day. Yes, I knew this already, but I think the reason for this truth forming even stronger roots than before is the realisation that I now have empirical evidence of the fact. Despite the 2/3 types of urges I wrote about in my previous post, and despite the most intense episodes of each over the year, I haven't given in and my life hasn't been worse for resisting. I'm still happy and enjoying life. I'm still doing well at work. I'm still able to server at church and look after my parents. These things all have their own challenges but none of these challenges are caused or influenced by a deficiency of PMO or any other sexual activity. Though it takes some serious effort to convince our brains as such, there is simply no need to give in to our lusts.

I feel like I may have mentioned this next point somewhere before but I'm observing it again so I'll report it regardless. I'm finding it easier to deflect even those lustful thoughts that aren't triggered by what I see... the temptations than just spring to mind or live rent-free after seeing an attractive figure even if we don't take that second peek. In a way, each time we sit with a thought we *are* taking another peek. It's tempting to sit with fantasies in our heads because they're "better than nothing" and we might argue that on a technicality we are not "looking" at a woman with lustful intent. But deep down we know we are.

In the past, sitting with these fantasies and letting them float around in my head, I was really planning my next failure. I would tell myself "okay I can't draw this or look this up online right now, but next time I do give in I'll come back to this". I'm convinced there is no "next time" any more... and I pray to God that I am correct and ask him to protect my heart... so why would I continue these mental second (and third, fourth...) glances that were actions of my old self who did secretly hope for another failure? The old self is dead. There is no place for these sort of thoughts any more.

 

Well, here it is… 365 days... 1 year of freedom! I don’t feel excited, just at peace with respect to this journey. I know there will be further temptations, that there is still a lot of work to be done, and under the right circumstances there is always a risk of relapse, but only in the sense that there is a risk anybody could become addicted in the first place. But it’s reassuring to know I’ve made it this far.

It’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one either, that others among us have made it this far or even further. In this sense I’m reassured for others who are still fighting this battle. Freedom is possible but it takes time! For me it’s taken 30+ years!

There are still changes I wish to make.

• I still wake up thinking about my fantasies, and don’t always push them away immediately
• I still sometimes touch myself as a stress response… a habit I had since childhood. Not sexually motivated so I don’t count it as failure, but if it happens to coincide with a sexual thought (or even if it doesn’t!) it could be the spark that leads me down the road to PMO.
• I still slip up and take second looks at attractive women I encounter out and about… or even if it’s one look I don’t look away as soon as I could.
• And of course there’s repeated sin not even related to lust but nonetheless offensive to God and harmful to others.

These things all need to stop, and it’s not easy to set a counter for each individual imperfection.

But in Christ, there are no counters! When God looks at those of us who has accepted him, He sees Christ, and it’s as though there never was any sin for which we have to count “days since last incident”. Because of this mercy, we repent of PMO and other sin. Romans 2:4 tells us that God’s kindness is meant to lead to repentance, and so I pray that God’s removal of the “sin counter” will indeed inspire me and all of you to stay free for all our remaining years on this earth.

Anyway, a massive thank you to all past and present readers and contributors to this journal. I tried so many things before getting this far, but opening up to all of you, reading your comments and own journals, clearly catalysed my recovery. This progress has many other factors too… books and articles I have read, revelations I have had, and of course the Grace of God! But those books and articles were recommended by members here. Revelations I have had were inspired by things I read from those books or from things you have written. God has used many of you in my recovery and I want to thank you all

 

Thank you all

Despite all this progress something rather odd happened this morning... more than a nocturnal emission but not significant enough I'd consider it a failure. Either way, it needs to be reported.

Essentially, I 'awoke' in a half-awake state in which I found I had started to M, but quickly stopped as soon as I came to my senses and realised what I was doing. I remember thinking about somebody too... so I can't classify it as one of the stress responses. But I don't remember choosing to do it either.. almost as thought I had started automatically in my sleep and awoke to find myself doing it. Because I didn't choose it and quickly stopped myself I don't want to count it as failure, though welcome comments from any of you if you disagree! It may have even been a dream, but probably not. My penis has felt extra sensitive throughout the day, but mentally I haven't experienced the temptations that I still get on occasion.

Whatever happened, it's a very humbling reminder of a couple of things:

Firstly that as I always say the counter really is only a number, and "Did or didn't PMO" really isn't so cut and dried. I still consider my counter an approximation of my progress... but it's "digital", and there's information loss. The "analog" measure of my progess is not so smooth.

Consider alcoholics... whether they "did or didn't" have a drink is unquestionably a binary truth, so it's easy for them to mark their progress, and an accurate metric too with no information loss. But with PMO there are so many grey areas, such as what happened to me this morning. Alcoholics don't wake up next to a bottle questioning whether they just drank from it! In particular I don't think the word 'Porn' is helpful... when we "quit porn" we are tempted to seek "porn subs"... but this is still lust and an admission to ourselves that deep down, we still desire sexual entertainment outside marriage. Even if we're not doing that we're taking those double takes or thinking about our fantasies. If I was trying to quit lust I'd still be failing every day. The point is... with P, M and O there are so many ways to argue that something is or isn't one of these things... when all along Christ makes it crystal clear that any sexual activity outside marriage is wrong, even if committed with the eye.

What I'm also reminded of is that there is always risk of another fall, no matter how much my progress reduces the likelihood. This was largely out of my control... which means I am not in control and that it would be foolish to continue relying on my own strength.

Another issue I'll touch on now but elaborate on in further entries is that I tend to overthink grey areas... and in fact I had been stressing about such things at work (but related to clauses in contracts etc) this week. While I said yesterday I was at peace w.r.t. my PMO journey, I was still stressing about a work issue. I was considering whether to address my overthinking problem in yesterday's post but decided to keep it to reflections on my year of freedom. Anyway, my work problem was on my mind as I went to sleep, and clearly disturbed my sleep overnight and possibly influenced whatever I was doing this morning... which only gave me another grey area to rack my brains over.

What I'm getting at is I need to address my overthinking too... it's been a huge problem for me and is often used by the enemy to tempt me into doubts spiritually... I overthink my sin to the extent that I'm forgetting that sin is dealt with. This morning's episode may have been a wake up call to address this. I will unpack this much further in later posts.

In general, getting as far as I have with PMO has led me to ask myself what else can I change (with God's help of course!).