Wrestling with a fetish all my life

I've been meaning to say that this has been incredibly helpful, thank you. I'm reminded of Matthew 11:28-30, when Christ invites us to seek rest in Him and take on His easy yoke and His light burden. It's a verse that speaks against legalism and burdensome expectations. He doesn't want us to be weighed down by it all but to seek rest in Him.

I notice that just before this too Christ speaks of the Kingdom being revealed to "Little Children". Sometimes I overthink the new testament as well as the laws of the old... E.G. thoughts like "If all we need to do is believe, then why does Christ still tell us to X Y Z"... but at the end of the day, Christ really does only expect a simple faith from us. Understanding and accepting the truth should not be a burden.

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Another fetish dream last night. No touching that I'm aware of this time, thankfully. In this dream I drew three of the women I used to draw a lot, together in a bondage scenario. As I was drawing, I was justifying this to myself somehow, but deep down I knew that I was making excuses and it was all driven by lust.

I don't try to read into dreams too much, though it is certainly significant that fetish-related dreams have been much more common since I turned my back on PMO. Last night's dream and the incident from a few days back feel like a warning to stay vigilant... we have no control over our dreams or some of the images we encounter day-to-day. Today's dream in particular also felt like a reminder to keep my motivations in check and keep on questioning how honest I am with myself.

 

Temptations

Temptations have been up a bit the past few days. The sin is trying to convince me that it's "not fair" that I shouldn't be able to enjoy my old ways and reminding me what I'm "missing". Yesterday or perhaps the day before it felt like my mind was hoping for a temptation to appear that would be so stimulating so as to drive me deep enough into the PMO process that I figure I "may as well carry on" and consider it "no longer my fault because I can't help myself". All lies.

These thoughts don't last long. They move along as I get distracted by something else or just sit with God and admit my temptation. In any case, I rebuke them.

A beloved friend goes to the home prepared for her

In other news, I recently attended the funeral of an elderly lady from a long-gone period of my life. I hadn't seen her in years, but she was honestly one of the most Christ-like people I had ever known. She was like a mother to so many and supported my family in so many ways. I regret losing touch with her and firstly would encourage any of you not to lose touch with such people and stop making excuses to not see them.

Sorry... lecturing you of visiting the elderly isn't why I'm writing! But just wanted to warn you against making my mistake while I had the opportunity.

Anyway... I was nervous about attending this funeral as it meant seeing many old faces from a past life... something that always makes me nervous. But I was determined to go... mainly to pay tribute to such a remarkable lady, to a tiny extend because I want to push myself to do social things that make me nervous, but also because I knew that stories and reflection shared at the funeral of a Christian such as her would bring me encouragement. I wasn't wrong.

Love should be easy

John 13:1-17 (Jesus washing His disciples' feet) and various other verses where Jesus commands us to love one another were shared, and the eulogy was filled with examples of how this elderly lady had spent her life in service to others, inspired by Christ's example. For anonymity's sake I won't go into detail, but believe me when I say this is one of the most servant-hearted people I have ever met.

I don't really know how to phrase this, but what really struck me during the funeral was how easy she made it seem. She just lived it without any reservation. We keep saying we want to improve ourselves and love others more... but why should it be so hard? I know I will go away and fail at this today, tomorrow and the next day, whether through selfish acts, sins of omission or whatever. But why? Should it really be that hard to put others first in every decision we make? If it is then something is wrong, for me at least, and I need to spend some time examining myself. But I shouldn't even need to do that. Can't I, or even we, just simply be nice to people? This lady's life, a reflection of what Christ has showed us from the beginning, is leading me to some serious self-reflection.

It has occurred to me in recent years as I've tried to think of others more that when you remove yourself from the equation a lot of decisions actually get easier. The problem is I consider the selfless path, the personal cost gradually crosses my mind and consciously or sub-consciously I give that path less priority. But if I had been less selfish from the start, perhaps that would never happen.

Pursuing Creativity

A lesser encouragement from this funeral was catching up with an old friend who like me has a lot of creative talent. We used to to a lot of drawing, and it make me reflect on the more wholesome drawings I produced in the past. It's made me want to return to drawing again, even though I keep getting distracted or worse, I use it as a means to manifest my lustful desires.

One issue is I get distracted by video games a lot lately. Games these days are built a lot more on achievement than they used to be, especially with open world games and the availability of downloadable content... games give us so much to do. I thrive on achievement, and games provide a means to achieve something without the frustration that sometimes accompanies creativity when a drawing doesn't come out right, for example.

An open world game was a comfort to me following a breakup many years ago. I gamed a lot as a child and missed it as an adult but got back into it after this breakup. I spent a lot of time with God then too, but the game was another outlet. I feel like since then, I've missed the relief that the game gave me, even though I have processed the breakup itself. I sometimes wonder if by gaming I am seeking a relief from a non-existent problem.

I had been thinking this for a while, but am more determined now, that I will give up gaming for Lent when it comes round. Primarily as a means to trust in God and spend more time with him, but also to allow more room for creative outlets and to glorify Him with what I create.

 

Something in my life I hadn’t been writing about is that recently I had been seeing somebody for quite some time, but we decided to just stay friends and the desire to do so was mutual. There are various points I need to reflect on here.

Firstly, in the past such a situation puts me in a state of mind more vulnerable to temptation. At at least 2 occasions, parting ways with past potential partners that ultimately didn’t work out (can’t quite call them breakups as we never got together) led me to giving into my temptations. One of my motivations for giving up PMO was knowing I’d have to open up about it and my fetish sooner or later. At least if I could tell my partner I had given up, it would be easier, right? But by that same logic, when I’m released of the fear of having to open up*, it becomes easier to excuse failure to myself. One reason this would happen is that the motivation is wrong. It’s not particularly bad… but of course the true motivation for giving up PMO is that any form of sexual activity outside marriage is a sin against God and our eventual spouse (if any). It is not love as God intended… if we forget that in our motivations then we are more prone to the failures as I had on these occasions.

Anyway… although I have come a long way in my journey since then, I can feel a sort of pavlovian response in my brain eager to pursue my old ways now that the possibility of this relationship is over. Please pray against it. I very much doubt it will be an issue… but complacency itself is another step towards failure.

I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process of getting to know this person.

Firstly I’ve realised that my anxiety makes it hard to know what I truly feel about someone. In the past, I’ve been so anxious about asking somebody out that I start to forget why I even like them and start to question if I really do. In this case we’d met on a dating app and that initial anxiety is sort of overcome for me… because the initial meeting is on the basis of the possibility of relationship. However as we slowly grew closer and the time to have “the converstation” came closer the reality that I’d need to be honest about my struggles became clearer and I became more anxious. This again took the fun away, and the anxiety was such a distraction that I couldn’t focus on whether or not I wanted to be with her long term. I was never quite sure if we were right for eachother even though we had a lot of fun together, but the fear and anxiety clouded my judgement. I did get as far as telling her I had serious lust issues and getting this far did relieve some of the tension inside of me. But upon this tension being released I did get a sense that friendship was all I wanted, and when she agreed likewise it didn’t really disappoint me at all. I think that this was the right way to go might have been clearer sooner if I wasn’t drunk on my own anxiety.

It’s also occurred to me as I write that this point and the earlier point about released from the fear of opening up leading me into temptation are connected. Clearly I am letting fear have some power over me regardless of my relationship status. The one time I actually was in a relationship my anxiety was even worse and that definitely clouded my judgement. When I’m close to somebody, fear leads me into confusion. When I’m completely single, fear leads me into temptation. I need to work on my understanding of the love of Jesus, because in Him there is nothing to fear. I’m going to meditate on this some more.

Something else I’ve realised about myself in this process is my lack of honesty with myself regarding the extent to which I let physical appearance drive my decisions. Don’t get me wrong, this individual was beautiful and a lovely, fun person to be with. But when I look back at my behaviour in the app where we met I realised that some of the likes I sent to other people were frankly superficial. For multiple people I, if they were attractive enough, I ignored the fact that the rest of the profile gave little evidence of having anything in common. “Why not try anyway?” I’d tell myself. “Maybe we’ll just click? If not, there’s nothing to lose”. I had liked a few of these individuals after I had started chatting with this new friend, back in the earlier days, but as we started to connect it dawned on me just how superficial I was being with some of these likes. I think my progress in my recovery had something to do with this revelation too because I began to realise just how much my lust had poisoned my pursuit for a partner, steering me off course from the path to true connection and towards pure superficiality.

It may even be that my lust is why I struggle to understand what I truly feel about people, and not only the anxiety, which is more of a by-product. In my lust I devalued women in my heart, and in doing so made it harder for me to connect with them or know when I truly have done.

If this is so, I accept the consequences of my sin. I know Christ has paid the price and my soul is saved, but my actions have nonetheless damaged my physical and mental wellness in this world. I accept that, and pray that if it is in God’s will, I may be healed.

 

I didn't know this about your child, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's a really nice thing that your friend did though, and thank you for suggesting it here. However neither painting nor portraits were ever really my thing... my drawing style is more comic-like. Also, sadly this lady doesn't have any immediate relatives (husband also passed on, no children etc). Many agreed she was like a mother to her community though.

Thanks, though as I said it was something of a mutual agreement. That said, I was somewhat surprised that it nonetheless made me feel a bit depressed. I think there are two reasons for this:

1. Part of it is pride I think... she made the call before I got the chance to. That shouldn't make be feel emasculated, but somehow it does. Possibly because I put so much effort in the past into overcoming my anxiety to make the first move and lead in the relationship that I'm eager to prove to myself that I can, even when it comes to breaking up / deciding to stay friends. I remember once when I asked somebody out I realised on reflection I did it to prove to myself I still could because I had only asked one person out before that, 20 years into my life. Anyway, this first reason for any sadness I've felt this week is completely unjustified... driven by pride and my own worldly measure of self-worth.

2. The more justified reason: that I'm more lonely than I cared to admit before. I'm generally quite introverted, but I do value friendships, even if communication is infrequent (my best friends I can go years without communicating but we see eachother again we get on just as we did the previous time). But with her it was nice to have daily chats even if it's just a few messages exchanged each day. Though we both agreed on friendship, the communication has slowed down and I realise that I value having somebody to talk to daily more than I thought I did.

Relationships really aren't black and white... and that's something I learned a bit too late in life, I think. You can like somebody a lot, but even if there's no feeling of that person being "the one", it hurts to be separated from them.

I also notice I seem to value female friendships in a different way from those I have with male friends, almost as though there's some element of attraction even if it's clear that we work best as friends. Perhaps it's an element of lust trying to trick me into thinking I want something more.

This, combined with this need to prove my courage and leadership to myself, causes me to become confused I think. My pursuits of relationships end up being for the wrong reasons and I never stop to actually ask myself "what do I actually want?". One thing I realised while seeing this individual is that I'm not sure what I want or how to recognise it when the moment comes. As I get to know women... what am I actually expecting to happen before I know?

As my past year or so over recovery progressed, it did lead me to realise how superficial I had become. I've always known that physical beauty doesn't imply a good or compatible personality, but somehow I wasn't willing to accept it. Recovery has helped me know it in a more concrete way, to the extent that I apply it. I see an attractive lady on the dating app, but nothing else in common (beyond a shared faith - I set the filter to only show Christians!), and so no real attraction. Swipe left.

In recent years I've realised how good I am at lying to myself, and I think this is another area where I've been doing exactly that. Less so throughout recovery, but still much work to be done.

 

Thanks. I should clarify I don't feel deprived of community... I have a church family who I love dearly and numerous friends scattered all over the country and even all over the world. The issue is that very few are close by. Even my church is a 45 minute drive away. I chose that church because it's a very suitable one for me to serve at and in fact one of the reasons I tried to move house was to be closer to it. But for the time being it's difficult to socialise outside of church itself.

The friends I have in my town I don't see so often... we saw eachother all the time at school (we were all members of the Christian Union), but those of us still around all go to different churches and have developed separate lives independent of each other, in some cases because they have families.

I think I've just gotten really used to a lot of time alone even though I have a lot of friends, family and people like family out there. But giving more of that time to somebody recently and then withdrawing from it (even though it was a mutual agreement) has reminded me how much better time devoted to others can be.

 

Thank you brother! I actually feel as though my year of recovery has served as a catalyst for other changes in my life... not only with respect to relationships (whether romantic or platonic) but leads me to ask myself what else I can change (or rather, what else the Spirit will change!).

 

Life general

Things are a bit tough at the moment... work is quite demanding, I seem to keep catching a cold and I'm still feeling a bit lonely (but better than I was in that respect). Also I think there is a leak in my plumbing again... something which cost a fortune to deal with before. I think diagnostics will be easier this time... but it's a reminder that really the whole system is just old and faulty and ideally needs re-piping.. which is even more expensive. Anyway, I was already feeling a bit tired and under the weather when I noticed this plumbing issue, and it's gotten me down somewhat.

Gaming

I finished various sidequests of a game I had been obsessively playing. I'm still planning to give up gaming for lent when that comes around, but the plan is to try and gradually reduce it until then... partly to make it easier when the time comes, but also to remind myself that I don't necessarily need lent to give something up. That said, knowing lent is in a period defined outside of my control helps with my self-discipline, as I cannot "move the goalposts" so easily. By setting my break period according to the period of lent itself, I can't put it off.

I rarely observe lent and certainly don't do it out of obligation or any form of legalism. For me it's a discipline to help me pull away from earthly things and closer to God and more wholesome activities.

Anyway, my gaming detox has three stages: allowing myself to finish this current game (done!), gradually reducing what time I spend on any other games thereafter, and then lent itself.

Finishing this latest game reminded me of another reason it can be unhealthy: it can be a source of stress! Games are (mostly) difficult by design, especially if you want to pursue everything a game has to offer and collect all the achievements. All this does is create stress, which aside from being unhealthy anyway opens the door for temptation. Stress makes me want to turn to PMO not so much for the pleasure of it but as a way of sticking my middle finger up to a stressful world. But I leave God out of the picture when I do this or even entertain the mindset and this needs to change.

Determination to finish a game or any other activity increases stress when progress is slow or lacking entirely. I hate leaving things unfinished and this leads me to do one of two things: obsess over it until it is finished or to not start it at all. With gaming the issue is the former... but with my creative pursuits the issue is the latter. The one exception is when I'm creative with fetish material. My fetish would motivate me to start expressing my "ideas" through art or in self-bondage, and my compulsive side would be determined to finish what I had started, even if the arousal had waned.

Really, the issue is deeper than obsessing over games or my fetish. I can never just enjoy the journey... I either race to the end or don't embark on it at all. It's like I have a need for closure and yet a fear of that same need... I need to think more deeply why this might be.

Temptations

I must admit that recently I have been missing the creative aspects of my fetish activities more than I cared to admit to myself. I wake up fantasizing about my drawings and self-bondage sessions, though they often disappear once I'm up and about and haven't lead me down the path of acting out on them.

But, any desire for hunting and seeking remains very much dead. I remember recognising how futile this truly was and the clarity of this revelation. This is firmly engrained in my psyche. It was (and is!) futile because it's impossible to find the perfect scene, and impossible to look at all the images at once. I think this is why we end up opening multiple tabs on these ventures... somehow we convince ourselves we can look at all of them at once even though we know it's ridiculous and ultimately that none of them are "perfect" by our worldly, lustful definition of "perfect". Further, for me at least, the futility was emphasised by the fact that I have no control over the content. I can't get the model to pose in the way I want her to pose... I can't tell the camera-man where to focus. The video teases my ultimate fantasy but never actually takes me there and I have no way to make it do so. All this futility became so clear to me and as a result I very rarely miss these activities.

But with drawing and self-bondage I do have much more control, and the "perfect scenario" feels more in reach. I realise now that in that moment I recognised the futility of the online activities, it was only those for which the penny dropped. Yes, ultimately I know that creative pursuits of my fetish are futile, but somehow it hasn't quite sunk in in the same way. Strangely enough, I have the temptations to do these activites, but not to masturbate to them. They still feel more driven by curiosity and obsession less-so than by lust. But lust must play a part because all these fantasies feature attractive women (in my drawings or in my dissociations during self-bondage). And besides, they almost always lead to masturbation anyway eventually. Furthermore regardless of whether or not they are futile in the sense they do or don't gratify worldly desire... they are futile with respect to God's plans for me. In fact, they are worse than futile... they are destructive!

Creativity is a means to explore curiosity, and I am a very curious person. I need to make sure that curiosity is channeled in healthy directions, not least towards a deeper knowledge of God and his immeasurable blessings.