Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

This is me and my music when I am in a mood:

 

DAY 71:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Another night of triggers and festering for me. Slept poorly because of it.

Everything was going seemly well for us, we talked everything out yesterday morning/night etc., well that's what I thought anyway. Yesterday morning, after I asked him how his night went (with ogling) and he said: "good, nothing happened, it wasn't a busy night". I took him at his word, I had no reason to doubt his response, as he has been honest about everything so far. Fast forward to last night, we were talking about various topics and then right before we got up to go watch tv, he tells me "oh yeah, I remembered there was something that happened" and I said okay... he preceded to tell me "I did ogle some girl, but I stopped myself midway but I don't remember who or when or where" and I said okay and then he says "oh, there was another incident of 'unintentional' ogling last night: He said it wasn't a big slip, it happened towards the end of his shift. when he caught himself he tried to not look. But, this was how he described it to me last night... he said the woman was standing and put her hand under her shirt to scratch her stomach, her shirt lifted up slightly but he was staring long enough to notice she had stretch marks. He said that when he saw them, he thought to himself "you know, stretch marks don't really bother me". Then he said this woman was squatting talking to her uncle in a wheelchair and of course, her ass was light of sight for him. He claims he tried to avoid it, but was able to recall that she was wearing sweatpants without underwear because there were no lines and her butt crack was visible. But he quickly looked up to 'avoid' further ogling. At first, I just said okay. We got up, he grabbed some food and we decided to finish watching The Walking Dead before he had to head out to work. As the show was ending, it hit me: "Hmm, I recall asking him about ogling this morning and he said nothing happened that night"... so I just decided to ask him: "Hey, so why did it take you so long to tell me this? I asked you this morning and you said nothing occurred" (he has been telling me up until now, so...). He claimed he forgot and suddenly remembered now, 12 hours later and mentioned it as a 'matter of fact'. Whatever, I just dropped it for the moment because he had to leave for work. All of a sudden, he starts acting really weird. He seemed very scattered, walking around the room, going back and forth to the aquarium trying to find fish that were hiding, he lingered around for an extra 10 minutes past when he had to leave to get to work on time. I kept asking him, what's going on? something feels off, he's acting weird!? and he said "oh I just want to skip work and stay home with you tonight" I scoffed/giggled with a "yeaaa if only" and said, "I don't like you wasting time, I don't want you racing to work and speeding". So he left for work and I felt so off, defeated and hanging. I thought to myself, what was it about this that he decided to probably lie to me about, skip over telling me, had a change of heart at night and didn't want me to ask any questions about it? hmm.... then it began the influx of thoughts, feelings and figuring out what it could be. It kept me busy throughout the night.

So, what did I come up with? well, obviously this girl was different, had to have been to get his so worked up when talking about it. Then I thought, well if what he has been telling me is true and he catches himself now, stops, looks up and think "shit! wtf!"... maybe, in this case, he DIDN'T stop himself, how did I figure that? well from his own description of events. He was staring at her pelvic area long enough to see her shirt go up to notice stretch marks and think about how they don't bother him, as he was looking at HER. (Side note: he never once randomly looked at me and said "hey baby, I know you hate those stretch marks, but they don't bother me at all" / he only has said something like that AFTER I say I hate them)... Then he was ogling her long enough to see her ass crack AND notice she had no underwear on.

So, my conclusion? much like my trigger over the waitress at Chilli's (check referenced post here), he didn't just look and move on, he lingered and had thought about HER, his subject, his victim. That's what makes it different and chances are, that's why 'forgot' about it and then got all flustered when I asked him about it. This wasn’t just a quick ogle or slip up. He had to have watched her / her parts multiple times and long enough to notice such details (stretch marks/no underwear). What irks me the most about it was that while he was looking at HER, not me, he came up with an analysis that he actually doesn’t mind stretch marks… Something he never did with me. He never looked at my stomach or touched it and said: “you know, I don’t mind stretch marks, they don't bother me like they bother you”. I thought to myself if it was really nothing, he wouldn’t have acted so weirdly, then come up with "I just wanted to stay home" which is obviously BS, he was deflecting.

I've been down this road before with him. When he acts off, it’s because he is hiding something, if he is hiding something it’s because he is guilty of something.

He sent me a message in the middle of the night (I must be influencing him) because he was mulling this whole episode over in his head and couldn't concentrate on anything else, so he had to reach out to me. He said he felt bad the way things were left off, and that he really wasn't hiding anything. He felt cornered when I questioned him about the ogling (although I didn't question the ogling at the time, I was questioning why it took him all day to fess up). He added it already made him feel bad admitting he checked her out and then to add that he analyzed her too. His instinct is to just hide it and not tell me at all but as minor, as it might be, even if I might not care - he wants to tell me because he wants to make a habit of telling me everything, no matter how difficult. So he can be honest in the future.

That's the thing though, this wasn't just your run of the mill quick ogle and 'moving on'. He had extra thoughts during the process, analysis of the woman's parts. THAT makes this case different, it should have been more memorable than the others. Hence, why I was shocked he "forgot it" even after I asked about ogling. Or perhaps my gut feeling is correct, he didn't just forget but he decided to 'omit' it until he talked himself into bringing it up.

He said he panicked for no reason, he thought we dropped the topic earlier and was thrown by me bringing it up again a few minutes later. Had he verbalized THIS to me, when I first questioned his behavior before he left for work, my mind wouldn't have turned into the runaway train that it did. I was fuming by the time I got his late night message and I was at the point where I didn't want to talk about this or anything else anymore. This behavior triggered me to think that he was so scattered and antsy all of a sudden because there was something else he had to say, but didn't know if he should or know how to come out with. Something he did when I caught and confronted him about his PMing.

I wanted to drop this conversation, I didn't want to talk about it - I wanted to just bottle it up and move on. He kept bothering me to talk, I had nothing to say. Something was off and that feeling was enough for me to tell him that I don't want to keep fighting my urges when he can't return the favor, sorry not sorry. This is a TWO WAY street and if anyone, owes anyone else openness and honesty, it's HIM owing me. That's a fact, we wouldn't be in this situation if it was not for his actions. On the car ride to drop our daughter off at daycare, he kept trying to get me to talk and I didn't want to. I don't feel comfortable talking about this crap in front of OUR child, whether she understands what we are saying or not. On the way back, he kept bothering me to tell him. So, I got annoyed and pissed off and just told him everything I just posted above, exactly what I was thinking, MY analysis of the events of last night, through the morning. I guess it was good that I didn't bottle up like I planned to do, but still.

He kept apologizing, reiterating that there really wasn't anything else, that he was just thrown by the question and didn't know how to react and went about it all wrong causing an even worse reaction from me when all of it could have been easily avoided if he handled himself better. He told me he is scared of hurting me and losing me, even more now, because of where we were at these last few weeks. I get it, I'm loving this new guy too, but when this new guy starts resemble the old guy, I just don't know who I am dealing with anymore. I want to believe him, but 'episodes' like this cast doubt on all of it for me.

 

And it couldn't be more true.

 

EXACTLY what I thought.

LOL

@Jason Russo NYC, I forgot, you never make mistakes Right?

 

DAY 72:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Yesterday was tense from the middle of the night through the morning for me. I ended up mellowing out by the evening though. He made me talk, even though my intention was to say screw it and NOT talk because I was livid after spending the whole night putting the pieces together in my head, as to why he acted so weird, suspicious and 'off' the night before. After we talked it out in the morning, I did feel better about it but there are still residual feelings of queasiness about the whole thing. In an interesting twist, he also spent the whole night at work freaking out about how he acted before leaving and where my mind could be taking me all night. He even sent me a message at 2 am because he couldn't concentrate on anything else. Pre-recovery, he would have gone about his business and moved on like nothing ever happened. Something I definitely noted in my brain. #HeIsMakingChanges

I think the reason why I was triggered so bad was due to the kind of reaction he gave me that night; though physical this time, it was exactly how he used to react verbally, when I'd catch him in a lie (circa all our D-Days). That behavior triggered me back to all of the moments I confronted him and he would stutter, fluster, pace his way through a thousand excuses and denials until he finally admits his guilt. So far in the last two months, that feeling (trigger) has never come up, not once (until yesterday) and that has been a big relief for me during this process. I don't like feeling suspicious, as a matter of fact, I HATE IT I don't like who it turns me into. I am really enjoying having some calm and inner peace these days (with minor bumps here and here). I prefer NOT thinking/questioning him/his motives/actions/words - because I know he is for once, being completely honest with me. That is my biggest boundary this go-round. If he resorts back to lying - he continues this recovery, alone. For me, once the lying comes back, that other guy, you know the one who betrayed me, hurt me, left me feeling like shit all the time - I know he is lurking just around the corner and I am not putting up with that guy anymore, period. This new guy though, I'm willing to get past some minor mistakes here and there, so long as they are ALWAYS followed by honesty. I see that he is indeed trying and keeping up his end of our deal (so far) staying open and honest with me, no matter if it hurts to hear sometimes - I reward his honesty with mine, when I feel safe I can be vulnerable and talk, but when I get triggered back to him as the liar, that other guy, I don't want to tell him anything, that guy always ends up hurting me, and that's the sad truth.

Today was better, he had to do some work stuff for a few hours, once he got home we went on a walk and there he told me about his latest ogle at work and what he did to stop further engagement. Then we spoke about a lot of various things, my feelings and thoughts. I explained how his ogling pretty much destroyed my confidence and that is why I always scoff every time he calls me beautiful, sexy, hot etc., it's just difficult for me to turn off 12 years of those kinds of emotional scars. Him checking out other women (24/7) with me right there! (instead of giving me attention) - has been seared into my brain and I don't know if or how that could ever be undone. He keeps mentioning after everything he has done to me - he is so sorry, he has so much remorse and says there are not enough sorries in the world to make up for it all but he will keep apologizing to me, for the rest of his life. I tell him, why? why do you want to stay in a marriage to someone you have to apologize to, for the rest of your life? he says "because it's worth it to me". This will be the most difficult decision of my life, one I had already made and was so sure of at the end of Jan '18 but now I don't know what the fuck is happening anymore. It's all about taking a huge risk, a leap of faith if you will and I'm really scared. I don't know if this 'new guy' is here permanently, I don't know if he won't lie to me again 'just this one time, it's a small lie, won't hurt' and then the next ten times after... in 5, 10, 20 years... it's a whole world of unknowns and risks. My risk is even greater now, I'm completely out in the open and exposed, I am raw, full of new found love, emotions and extremely vulnerable. He knows things about me today, that no other soul knows... but with a drop of a hat, with one big lie, he could destroy me again and this time, into unrepairable bits and pieces. Look, all of this would have been so much easier had he not started this recovery and every stayed the same, like after every other D-Day (even after my threats of 'one more time and I am out) - had I not finally felt what true love, intimacy, and connection is and could continue to be with him. I was already checked out from this marriage, I was actually looking forward to what 'it could be like' to feel loved, wanted, chased, desired, have intimacy etc with a new man, a restart for me, a fresh new go at love without pain. Someone who preferred to check my ass out, not every other woman, just mine. But, for some reason - this time, he decided to change. Now, he has given me a taste of exactly what I've been yearning for the last 12 years. He makes me think: wow, could it be? could I have all my needs as a woman met, with him? something, if you asked me two months ago, I could have given you a straight answer quick: HELL-TO-THE-NO! Is it possible that I don't need to find a new man after all? but then, unfortunately, reality clocks me in the noggin and I am forced to consider that he is still the same man, the one who put me in this position in the first place... can I really ever get over those 12 years of trauma and what if history DOES repeat itself and I end up regretting taking such a risk and losing even more of what's left of my youth?

He knows full well that his actions in this recovery will play a huge role in my final decision (to end this marriage as planned or not) and he wants to try his best to prove to me that he is changing in his CORE, he wants to be different and now, more than ever before he doesn't want to lose me. I just hope it's all for real.


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I responded to @Broken3's post and I thought I would share my response here:

Yes, this was me for almost 11-12 years, I would disassociate sex with connection/intimacy because I always felt something was off (on his part, like he was "there" but not really there with me 100%)... and given all of my D-Day's, I was right. So the more emotionally I unattached myself from him as a "lover", I just was there for the motions and to get my own release.

Now, at the end of Jan 2018, that was my line in the sand. It was another D-Day, my final one. I told him it was over. All of a sudden, it was like a fire was lit from right under his ass and he (for once) started a recovery. I told him I would be there to support him as a friend, for his sake, and for our daughters. I didn't want them growing up with a father who spent all day objectifying women. Our plan was to play married for another 3 years, so our eldest made it into HS without a divorce affecting her grades. So, I'd still be around anyway, for 3 years. He asked me to be his accountability partner, I wasn't quite sure what that meant or what I had to do, but I agreed reluctantly.

He asked me to spend 15-20 minutes every night, just talking to him without any distractions (kids, phones, tv). We would put the kids to sleep, go into the bedroom, lock the door lay down in the dark and he would talk, I would mostly listen. One month in, he would report to me any triggers/urges to PM or not every day, soon he was opening up a little about his past, childhood etc. I was surprised he was being so honest with me because one of his other addictions what to lie with every word that came out of his mouth, especially when it came to this addiction. The more he talked, the more vulnerable he got. He kept asking me to tell him about my truth, my pain, what his betrayal did to me... I didn't want to tell him at first, but after a few weeks, I started to.

We began getting used to talking openly with one another, it was becoming our new normal. We never used to talk about anything more than tv shows or our kids. On March 4th, we began our nightly talk at around 10 PM and it lasted into March 5th, until 3 AM. He told me a lot about how he was exposed to sex early, how he thinks he became obsessed with it/masturbation, some childhood trauma etc. He just kept talking and talking, then all of a sudden he gets quieter and says: I have something else to tell you... I looked at him and said "Of course, you can be honest with me no matter what, I won't judge you" -- of course, I thought it was about some other trauma he has experienced; when I said that. Instead... he begins to tell me... about some stuff he did, his full disclosure. It made his PMing seem like daisies. He cheated. I was distraught, disoriented, shocked, enraged on the inside. On the outside: I was silently listening to my husband admitting he betrayed me in the worst way possible. However, I had to control myself because I asked for his total honesty and well it's what I finally got.

Right now, we are a little over two months into this recovery. We are both fighting our own second natures/instincts and now he is finally totally honest with me.

At this point, due to both of us being totally open/vulnerable - I can tell you, everything feels different. It feels NEXT LEVEL, I never really knew what true love, connection, and intimacy were, until now. I thought I had it when we just got married, but this is so different. Even sex feels so intense, passionate and REAL. Both of us are "there", both of us are giving 100%.

You must have full disclosure (no matter how painful). I suggest starting with nightly talks, it was the catalyst that led him to be comfortable enough to finally come clean. Only then can true healing/recovery begin for you both.

Now, I still deal with some slip ups here and there, it triggers me but at the end of the day we end up talking and working it all out together. He is still learning and mistakes are inevitable, I know that. But without full disclosure, YOU can not heal, he owes you that much in my opinion.
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DAY 73:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Daily talk with my husband.

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We are back on track, I think my trigger has dissipated, for the moment at least. We went over it last night and I decided to give him the benefit of doubt. We've been talking a lot again, he's off from work and that makes it a little easier for us both.

We were talking about subtle changes that we both have been noticing in one another. I think it comes with the fact that we are now both being transparent, for the first time ever - in this marriage. We are both telling each other what is going through our mind, so the other isn't left wondering "what is he/she thinking?". As I mentioned before, it's been a really nice feeling. He does make mistakes, has some slip ups but as long as he tells me the TRUTH and does not gaslight me, I can get past them. Even if it takes me some time to calm down after certain ones.

Spoiler: sex without intimacy VS sex with intimacy

We also talked about sex without intimacy VS sex with intimacy and both agree, how we were in that department before can not even compare on the same scale, to what we have now. It has just been so intense, sensual and just tantalizing - both of us are ONE. We used to have passionate sex before, when we did it but it lasted maybe 10-15 minutes with MAYBE a few minutes on foreplay, once done we went straight to sleep. Now, we usually spend over an hour on sex, with a lot of emphasis on foreplay and getting to that "build up" before the climax. Sometimes he spends most of the action on me (like kisses all over which I love) which never use to happen - it was always get in, out and done. We've also been exploring a lot of different things, stuff we've never told anyone we enjoyed or fantasized about, but only just recently shared with each other (and we've been married for 12 years!) and we have both been fulling them for each other and it has just been so raw, vulnerable, passionate, sensual and just awesome. I haven't REALLY enjoyed sex with him, this much, I don't think - ever. Then afterward, we make out for a few minutes (which I stopped doing years ago pre-recovery because it felt more intimate than sex to me and I was checked out emotionally) and we hug each other tightly, then go to sleep and when he gives me his embrace, I FEEL that he is there in that moment with me, 100% of him.

This morning we were talking about how much better and more comfortable we are with each other; be it - talking, sitting watching tv, touching, kissing or going crazy in bed. We started to wonder about other couples in recovery. Do they BOTH share their wants/needs? as it could be a slippery slope for a PA. We think some SO's might fear coming out with their own fantasies to their PA because they might fear that their PA could get triggered or might call them a hypocrite, an addict themselves or look at them differently (not so pure). My husband and I have been exploring some things that both of us have always wanted to try/do, but always felt ashamed to bring up until now, because we are so open - once we did open up we discovered that a lot of our fantasies aligned and we've been missing out on YEARS of fun. Yep folks, that's what no communication will do to you. I told him, there was a reason that a few weeks ago I didn't want to disclose all of my needs/wants in that department and it was for the reason most SO's of PA's probably don't or hesitate. We don't want to be a P-Sub. The beginning stages of a PA's recovery is a make or break time. My fear was, that if I told him and we explored sexual fantasies, his or mine - that he would just do the deed to release with me, in place of his regularly scheduled PM time. But after a while, I stopped questioning it. I said the reason why is because his honesty and ACTIONS before, during and after sex, answered those concerns for me. I can tell the difference between wham, bam, thank you, ma'am and what we have been doing/experiencing in the last two months. I can unequivocally say, I know for a FACT that he is not using me as a P-Sub, without a doubt. There is a difference and we, as SO's will be able to distinguish it. So any PA's reading this and thinking "GREAT IDEA, I can do A B or C and tell my SO it's because I want sex with her, but really I just miss the P" -- we can tell and when we figure that out, it will not end well for you, so don't try.

ALL OF THAT ^^^ could not be possible if he wasn't completely vulnerable, open and honest with me.

@Wade W. Wilson

 

Thank you, I sure hope so!

 

DAY 74:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Short entry today, it's been a long day - peaceful, we talked a lot earlier in the day but then we were busy doing family outings and then I took my daughter to a school dance, got home late but just in time for our nightly talk. We spoke, he left a little early to go to the gym and I'm heading to bed!

I will have a wordy post for you guys tomorrow, promise! <3


Something to make note of and what I am practicing myself:

 

DAY 75:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Daily talk with my husband.

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75 days! whoa lol

Yesterday was a pleasant, but busy day. We spent the afternoon with our little one - we went and bought some more fish for our aquarium, then took her to the playground by our older daughters school, picked up her up and let them both play a little longer. I was just standing watching them and he came around from behind me, grabbed my waist, hugged me from behind and kissed my cheek - this was the first time in many years that I allowed it, wanted it to happen because his touch made me feel loved, not triggered to bad thoughts. I hated him touching/looking at my waist; I avoided it like the plague, and I mean from the front/back/sides any angle - it caused me to have mini anxiety attacks thinking "he is touching my fat, I bet he is thinking about how he got stuck with someone who got ugly stretch marks after pregnancies (cause not everyone gets them*), I bet he is so disgusted right now, I bet he is touching my stomach and thinking why can't it be like hers __last girl he ogled in front of me__". Plus, normally I do not like ANY sort of PDA, especially by kids/school and well, I guess before, a part of me just didn't want him to embrace me at all, because of all the thoughts that usually followed - I rather just avoid them. Then we took both girls for a quick lunch and it was just nice family time. I don't remember the last time we were out with the kids, where he didn't do something to trigger me (like nonstop ogling) and ruin my mood for the rest of the day (making me NOT want to go out again unless NEEDED). But yesterday, I had no negative thoughts - I actually enjoyed feeling his arms around me.

That evening I had to go to a school dance with my daughter, normally my husband comes with us to these events. This time, as soon as it was announced, I told him I would be going alone this time. Thankfully he didn't argue with me about it. I was afraid if he went, even though he is trying to control his ogling now, I would be too triggered anyway. In the past, I could have pretty much picked out of a lineup, all of the moms he has checked out and sometimes obnoxiously obvious, right in front of me. You know how embarrassing it is/was to stand next to your husband, who has ogled another mom and SHE knows it, YOU know it and then make eye contact with each other? it was such a horrible feeling. Pre-recovery, at some point, after so much pain, trauma and embarrassment - I just stopped giving a shit about him as a husband - I needed to or I would lose my mind, so he just became "that buddy of mine, who constantly checks out other women". One of the moms who he ogled often was there and she was wearing something that I would consider "ogle material", so I'm glad he wasn't there. I can almost guarantee, without a shadow of a doubt he would have slipped a few times and made my PTSD worse. It's different when the 'victim' is some random person on the street vs someone I have to bump into from time to time. Even still, this experience has caused me to get even more paranoid about our upcoming cruise. I have until July to cancel the trip and I know I told him, that if he does well recovery wise, going would be a little reward for him. After last years cruise, he wants to redeem himself - but I don't know if I can handle the triggers. Last year, I was emotionally depleted, so it wasn't as bad internally for me - right now, I'm feeling all types of ways about him/us and if something does happen and it can really ruin the trip for me again - I'm conflicted, I'm scared.

This morning when we were in the car, he told me that on his drive to pick me up - he randomly got a big urge to M (not to watch P) just to M. This is the first time he has had such a strong urge since he began his recovery. Of course, I asked if there were any triggers that led up to this and he said no, it just came out of nowhere. I believed him because that has happened to me before too lol #PleadTheFifth. I was in the middle of saying something, he interrupted me to tell me about this, normally I am not a fan of being interrupted (he always does it and it's very annoying lol) but in this case, I'm okay with it. I am proud of him for sharing that with me; for being honest and open, especially so soon after it occurred and without me prompting him first, you know by asking "So, any urges or triggers today?". He said telling me helps him avoid thinking about it further at home, because now it's "out" and not just between him, his mind and his...

We did our daily walk, I told him about my concerns about the trip again. He said he thinks if we figure out some signals and work together on avoiding "triggering" areas we will be fine. I don't know about that, in theory, it's a good idea, but in practice - who knows? This summer will be challenging for him now that he is trying to control his ogling and avoid it, women will be wearing less and less, so there will be more to look at. He thinks if he manages to get it under control, even when I am not around, he should be able to be good on the cruise. For me though, that's a lot of "if's" - again, scary.

We'll be leaving for a family walk, the weather is nice for now - so, before it drops under 40 degrees again, we need to take advantage of it. Hopefully, that walk will go smoothly.

 

I am too exhausted to respond right now, but I will tomorrow.

 

I am not "falling" for anything. I know these changes are authentic because I can see differences in his core (personality and behavior) not just towards me. I don't expect you to understand because you 1) don't know him or me for that matter 2) your ex never tried 3) you can only see the bad in PA's because your ex burned you so bad. However, I can't blame you for that - I was you, a few months ago too. I didn't believe it was ever possible either, that's why I told him I was done. I've had many DDays with him and he never bothered to do anything to change his ways, only empty promises and a few flowers here and there. This time though, he is actively engaged in recovery and as his AP I can see his struggle, he is being honest with me when he doesn't have to (because I wouldn't find out) - I am witness to his minor personal changes, look I've known the man for over 14 years now and I know when it's for show or if it's real.

If he wanted to relapse, why on earth would he have given me a warning about it then? to risk me walking in and catching him??? that makes zero sense. He could have *not* mentioned the urge to me at all, went and done his business and went to sleep and I wouldn't have even questioned it - but instead he told me about it, see the difference?

Unfortunately, PA or not that's just life. There are always "what if's", we can assume it with anyone. So, I move on and meet someone new, "what if" he cheats on me too? "what if" he's also hiding a PA for years? "what if" we'll break up in three months. Life is one big risk I guess. LOL, I'm a wife and mother, I can't just take a "break" from him or my problems, it's just not that simple.