Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 69:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has continued to be honest with me about his urges/triggers...
• Verbalize my triggers or frustrations, as they happen or same day.
• Daily talk with my husband (w/o distractions)...

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First and foremost, I wanted to give a special thanks to @HARP for reaching out to me in the middle of last night, when I was frustrated and couldn't sleep. That was very kind, helpful and much appreciated. Being about to vent, helped me figure out exactly what was bothering me and I was able to get another hour of sleep in - backstory will be below.

Yesterday he got held up at work, but still didn't want to miss our morning walk because he wanted to talk to me about his first night back at work (managing his ogling etc.) but in any event, we got home, he went to shower, then sleep and I decided to give him some more time to sleep because I didn't want him to be tired at work later that night. Once I woke him up, he went to make himself some coffee and went straight to his computer to do some NoFap stuff (reply to people/journal etc.) which is fine, I thought he wanted to be done asap and come hang out with me a little, maybe watch tv or something. About an hour in, he emerges out of the room to get something and he informs me that he is trying to get everything done quickly so that we can get to our talk quicker because he wants to leave for work earlier, so he can go workout. I said okay, what else was I suppose to say? anyway... time kept moving, I put the little one to bed, he was still on the computer, closer to 9:00 pm, he tells me he is done, so we can talk now. He had to leave at 10:00 PM.

So, we talked for a bit... I told him what was on my mind (pretty much what I wrote about in my previous journal post, so I won't bore anyone by repeating it). He said I shouldn't be concerned and he still feels the rush he has felt throughout the two weeks+ he was home, now he just looks at it as something to look forward to when he is off. I kind of see what he means, but I don't know I feel like it will start to dip off a little, I guess that is to be expected. It's not like he can stop working lol. He assured me, everything will be fine etc. My mood was still off, I couldn't put my finger on it though. He kept looking at the clock, that kind of irked me too. 5 minutes to 10 pm, he got up to get ready for work, then he left.

I decided to head to bed a little earlier than normal because I was feeling 'off', tossed and turned for two hours, I guess at some point I finally fell asleep, but then every hour, on the hour I would wake up. At a certain point, it began to drive me nuts. I couldn't figure out what was disrupting my sleep all night. So my anxiety was getting the best of me, so I decided to text my husband. I told him I couldn't sleep, been waking up nonstop but I told him I don't know why. All he replied with was: 1) "Poor thing, I wish I was home to hug you". I replied with "me too" then he said 2) "Love you". and I replied with a crying emoji. That was that, he didn't ask if I was okay, what was on my mind, if I could think of anything that could be bugging me etc., he pretty much ended the whole conversation with two words, implying he was done talking. So, I got even more agitated, but I wanted to give him the benefit of doubt and assumed he was just busy at work and couldn't talk, only to see him commenting on unimportant stuff on facebook 10 minutes later. Then, I felt I was just proven right about my theory that as soon as he went back into his usual routine, we'd get setback from where we got to. Plus, he was back to brushing me off / ignoring me again when I needed him most. I don't usually send him messages in the middle of the night, so when I do - something is up. This event reminded me of how I felt when I woke up with an anxiety attack, walked out to tell him and he just continued watching tv as I went back to bed, alone.

Frustrated, I went to NoFap to vent a little because I couldn't really do it anywhere else. Then @HARP sent me a message, saying he was up if I need to vent and we had a nice back and forth, I got to release some of my 'stress' and figured out what was bothering me this whole time. Here's what my talk with HARP helped me figure out:

Even though I didn't really think about it as it was all happening, in the back of my mind I guess I was a bit disappointed/angry with my husband. I was considerate of him and gave him extra time to sleep because I was worried about HIM at work. Instead of him being considerate of me (after our talk the night before) knowing he already spent a lot of time sleeping, then on the computer, he was worried about rushing through everything to make sure he was done with it all (including our talk) so he could get to the gym, that was his top priority, not me, just like it always was. Translation: Yep, there he goes being selfish again, putting his needs first. So then, to make matters worse, fast forward to 3:00 AM, getting brushed off by him (something he did often before) triggered me further and made my mind wander into some dark places. I posted a subliminal meme on Facebook and at around 6:00 AM he texts me with "I hope you didn't think I was ignoring you". I didn't know if I wanted to tell him, yes or just play it off with "no" as I normally would have done in the past. I had to seriously fight that intense urge (to not tell him) because I WANTED HIM TO FIGURE IT OUT FOR HIMSELF, FOR ONCE! ugh. *** Breathing in and out *** thinking - mind over matter, I convinced myself to just give him a straight answer, so I wrote back YES. One of my biggest challenges in this recovery/healing is to be upfront about my feelings and it has been so difficult to force myself to be out with it all. I prefer people just 'get it', if they know me - they should know what I am thinking or what I expect by now and it just frustrates the shit outta me that I have to explain something that to me, seems so obvious.

On this morning's walk, I told him everything, he said he was sorry - that he is still learning and with every new mistake, he learns something new. I explained to him, it would be equivalent to him sending me a message because something triggered him and instead of talking it out with him, I would just say "Awe, sorry hun, wish I was there. Love you" and that's it, conversation over. I felt better letting it all out, but something inside of me still fights against doing so. Then he told me about his triggers for the night, nothing about PM but ogling. His coworker(s) have been making it really hard for him to maintain control of his ogling. He's been doing good, from what he has told me but they constantly say "oh man, look at her ass!" or "damn, look over there she's hot!" etc and none of them know about his addiction or recovery, so he says he just nods and agrees with them but when he "pretends to look" he keeps his eyes above the shoulders. Then one of his other coworkers sent a group text with a photo of some naked woman, then one of them kept trying to show him the photo (by shoving their phone next to his face), while he was driving. So not only was that dangerous, but he was egging him on about it. His coworker is married and just had a second child (girl) - his wife doesn't know, just like I didn't, makes me angry and sad for her. I understand how difficult it is, especially around others who ogle 24/7. He said, now though, he thinks to himself "that's someone's daughter", that he is looking at all of this stuff from a whole new perspective now. However, he can not let them know that or tell them to "stop" because he WAS them, a little over two months ago - so it would be extremely hypocritical of him to out of the blue get all righteous about it. I'm happy he is trying though, it's more then he has ever done before. The most important part is, now he is catching himself and instead of thinking "whoa, damn she's hot!" he thinks "fuck! why'd I look" or he thinks "that's someone's daughter, wife, mom etc." then he reminds himself that he is also raising two girls - none of these concepts ever crossed his mind prior to this recovery.

I ended it with, now imagine this: just how difficult it is for you because you never realized how bad of a problem this was, how much you did it -- now think, how much I had to endure watching you do it IN FRONT of me for 12 years, with every look, every DDAY, PM, being ignored etc., a piece of my self-esteem, confidence, self-worth was being chipped away, bit by bit. That's how I ended up being an empty shell of a person by the end of Jan '18, with no more fucks to give.

I'm trying though, I want to be a better person, a bigger person, and even more understanding person, so each time I talk myself into speaking up instead of bottling up, it's like a small breakthrough for me.

 

Ahahahahaha Nah, you lent me your ear when I needed one

Yep, fought myself, my stubborn instincts and just let it go.

I'll pass it on

 

I'll talk to him about it tonight for sure. Work is a tough one, the guys here are also 'it's what guys do' kind of people.

It's definitely a good point, thank you!

 

I know, even if I get a bit triggered, so long as I come back down to reality - I realize he is early in recovery and it's not easier to undo 12 years of habit/actions etc. So long as I do my part and talk to him about it and he talks to me about it, we will still be on the right path, together.

Awe thank you guys lol ya'll are really putting me up on a pedestal, I don't deserve that much credit. I am just doing what any woman would do. I promised him that if he decides to take recovery seriously, I would support him every step of the way and that's what I will continue to do.

 

Yes, you probably do know a little more than my family about this subject as I have told no one. BUT not all SO's are one in the same. I am fully aware of the situation I am in and how I should or should not handle myself. Like I mentioned before, I don't mind comments or opinions - just know that repeating the same point over and over again, will only tire out your fingers, because the only person that can/will affect my decision is @Wade W. Wilson through his actions. Period.

 

DAY 70:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night, we continued to discuss how I felt about what happened the night before (when I texted him and he pretty much brushed me off). He apologized again and thanked me for opening up to him. Spoke about boundaries and their pros/cons. Then we spent some time talking about the controversial topic on these forums: having your SO as your AP. For both of us, this concept works, however it is not for everyone. We feel that me being his AP it helps him stay honest, vulnerable and accountable to me, his wife. He is making a habit of it, coming to me for all of his issues PA/non-PA. He see's it as a positive thing, so do I. In return, he is my AP. Some of you may be thinking "How can a porn addict be an accountability partner for his betrayed significant other? what does that even mean/entail?" well, what that means (to me): He is there for me (when he never bothered before), encouraging me to be open, honest and vulnerable with him because my walls have been sealed off for over a decade. It is REALLY difficult for me, LIKE REALLY DIFFICULT. I have to look past the fact that he pretty much destroyed and betrayed me for 12 years, that he is the reason my wall has been put up in the first place - with reinforcements. I have to find the courage within myself to let go, to risk it all - risking the possibility that he may end up putting the final nail in my coffin or maybe this could blossom into something everlasting and beautiful? (that's why it's a risk, the unknown.) With every mood, trigger or frustration, I have to force myself to fight my own urges to just bottle up my feelings and keep them from him... because I rather have him figure it all out on his own ... because he should know, it's obvious why I'm mad!!!. This has been my way of thinking since I could remember thinking at all, so it's a rather significant part of myself and now, I have to let him in. If we are fighting this together, both of us have to give up our secrets, shame, insecurities, fears, and truths. He can't recover without that and I can't heal without that. It is what works for us. I'm not saying it's easy, there will be things said that will trigger the other person, maybe even piss them off but so long as you can come back together (after cooling off) and talk about it, getting to a point where you can manage/get past those feelings is most definitely worth it.

This morning we talked about PA's being patient with the SO, not expecting any gratitude or thank you's. He watched a few videos at work that he really agrees with on this very topic. I also agree, you must always reach out to us SO's, even if we push you away or ignore you. You can not expect anything from the person you just hurt, patience is a virtue with us, it's a rather tender and emotional time BUT even through our silence, we are ALWAYS watching, listening and taking mental notes. We NOTICE all of the things the PA is doing, whether it's your effort/actions towards change/recovery or continuing to go backward and repeating the bad behaviors that only reinforce our painful thoughts of "see, there he goes again, proving my point".

P.S: After talking it out with my husband last night, I actually slept better. Only woke up twice and fell back asleep rather quickly.


In my opinion, minimal boundaries for the PA equals:


For those who are ever so curious: