The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Day 21

Rest day today - slept for a whopping 12 hours last night and then had a slow morning, started watching The Witcher with my flatmate and his fiancé, just the day I’ve needed after a busy few weeks.

Felt minor urges in the late afternoon, I’m not as aroused by nudity on TV (for now it seems) but the feeling of lacking a companion did trigger a part of my MO brain - managed to fight it off, and recognise that God will see to everything.

 

Day 22 - Felt really angry this morning when I woke up but not sure quite why. It might have been my subconscious processing things after I had been ruminating (but also working through past feelings and getting to a pretty solid perspective) about my relationship with my exwuBPD. I've been strictly no contact with her as I've been working on myself and thinking about how I can make changes to avoid getting into a relationship with someone like that again. For me it comes down to creating healthy boundaries, asking for help, and getting my needs/wants known even if someone is not able to meet them. I don't want to see her again but she'll be at a wedding I'm going to in the near-ish future. Thinking about having to see her used to fill me with paralyzing anxiety but it's less and less now as I realize her anger is part of her condition. In this whole process too, I've acknowledged my failures, am owning them, and trying to put in the work to change. This can't last forever though. I can't always be stuck in the world of self-help. I'll need to move on and make improvement/change/mediation/self-reflection so ingrained in my life that it comes as second nature. Getting this bad pmo habit under control is definitely one of the things that needs work and has been getting better lately as I've reached out to others for help and been more intentional about getting my lust under control. Overall though these last couple days have been filled with more lust/anger than other days so I'll need to make sure I do a good job of taking care of myself, reaching out to others, reading, journaling, exercising, and praying. If I can do those things daily, that is my recipe for success.

 

Day 134

 

Day 1 complete. It's been a rough few days, fellowship. These past three days have probably been the worst I've experienced, in terms of PMO use, since joining NoFap 14 months ago. I failed to resist the urge to revisit one specific memory from my past times of frequent porn use, so I turned off my blocker and everything spiraled from there. Today was basically an hours-long process of slapping myself in the face. Being strict with myself is what it takes. I can't rely on a blocker or an accountability partner or a whole forum community to do this for me. I've learned this lesson intellectually but in many ways I've still failed to take it to heart. Being patient with myself and learning to bear up under discomfort are important elements, ones in which I've still got a long way to go. It's discouraging, for sure. But the only way I ultimately lose is if I quit. That light at the end of the tunnel is a single photon right now but it's still shining.

Blessed Virgin Mary, pray for us.

 

Day 4 finished.
I didn’t write yesterday. I feel great, my health is getting better. I am back to cold showers for a week now. I am back to reading for a few days. I am not phishing for arausing content. I think I will get back to BJJ on January. Please pray for me so that my strength would continue coming back to me.

 

Day 13

Took the day off and went back home. Glad to see the family. Routine will be different the next couple of days but just need to stay mindful. Think my neck is seriously messed up from coding every fucking day so thinking about going to the chiro.

 

6 days

Not feeling ok right now. Many emotions are coming up. I must not numb them with pleasure.
My addiction to being liked is the worst. Or actually the root addiction is success. To the brain, PMO, being liked, success at work, success at video games, sugary food, caffeine, cocaine,... all is just success. And my whole life is directed towards success. I forgot how to enjoy the moment and the little things in life.

Do you remember the Shire, Mr. Frodo? It'll be spring soon, and the orchards will be in blossom. And the birds will be nesting in the hazel thicket. And they'll be sowing the summer barley in the lower fields. And they'll be eating the first of the strawberries with cream. Do you remember the taste of strawberries?

No, Sam. I can't recall the taste of food, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass. Instead, I'm... naked in the dark. There's nothing. No veil between me and the wheel of fire! I can see him... with my waking eyes!

Then let us be rid of it! Once and for all! Come on, Mr. Frodo. I can't carry it for you... but I can carry you! Come on!

This time we make it to the 90 @EpsilonDelta

 

Day 306

 

Day 299 no PMO. Yesterday was an easy day for me. No temptation.

 

Almost messed up again last night. Time to banish phone from the bedroom at night when I am tired and not thinking clearly.

 

Day 75
Thank you for your support, guys! All the support and love you gave me make me want to achieve my goals even more!

 

Take school like breaks - for every 45 minutes of coding 10 - 15 minutes break. Yeah, your workday gonna be a bit longer, but you'll minimize the harmful effects of long sitting and keeping your neck bent.

 

These are the trials of withdrawal, my friend. Do not give in, the whole reason you became addicted in the first place was to numb yourself and run from your emotions. Emotions in and of themselves are neutral, it is the way we react to them that causes issue. Do not resist or project any emotion, sit and be with it. Learning to be at ease with any emotion that arises will help you along the journey. Acceptance is an important part of the journey.

You've pinpointed the areas you need to address, this is a great achievement.

Keep strong friend!

 

Finally at 20! Feels good to hit a milestone Urges are bigger than ever now and I really need to be careful. I can feel myself slowly slipping and keep forgetting why I'm actually doing this.
I find this so interesting that your mind can play such tricks on you.. which makes me really see that I have a problem I need to solve.

Good saturday to all of you! If you want to chat I'm around

 

Day 18
The urges are getting stronger, but what most concerns me is that there's a lot a thing happening at the same time. I'm trying my best to keep my head in its place and don't lose my self control.

 

I'm curious of your opinion on this brother, what do you personally think causes certain men to stay with toxic women, or even just remain around toxic people?

 

Day 8! The weekend has started, and I feel a huge urge to have some.
It's nice, because I don't feel the need to watch lorn or do something by Myself.
Nah, this wood needs to be shared only lol.
Anyway, I think this is one of the results I enjoy most seeing after rebooting.

 

I love how my saying I had 5 coffees the other day started a discussion. I do want to note that if you are a mathematician who does not drink coffee or caffeinated tea, you are an oddity, reason being, the brain power required to do regular abstract math burns through your blood sugar, requiring something to bring it back up lest you crash. Caffeine releases a ton of sugar into the blood, which allows the brain to consume more.

Anyway, I MO'd today, so day 0 - Nazgûl

I will post more tomorrow

 

Great question it is basically because a wrong perception of reality, you are not seeing the person as toxic in general terms but it can be exceptions.

What are the causes of this misperception of reality:

1. Lust: the girl is just hot and great at sex but crazy and toxic.

2. Naiveté: you don't have experience around women and if a toxic woman flirts with you or you with her then you create a relationship with her not even knowing that what you are experiencing is toxic.

3. Denial:let's say you didn't know she was toxic or didn't see the signs to begin with but after you realice something is not right about the girl you think it's your fault for not acting a certain way or you think she will change as time passes or you need to make more effort. Toxic people don't change.

4. Fear: you fear you can't get a better girl so you stay with her.

5. She is hot: it could be she is so hot in your eyes you just don't leave her because of it. We are shallow creatures.

6. You felt in love: you allowed yourself to fall in love with a toxic partner. Love clouds your thinking and stops you from seeing the person for what she is instead you create an illusion of her.

7. Kids: kids could be involved so you don't break because of them.

8. Money: the toxic person and you have developed a life together a divorce could broke you, the toxic person can be the one in which you rely economically this is more common in case of girls with toxic men.

These are the ones I could think right now. That is why is so important to choose a good girl to start, never mess with toxic women and as soon you realice her toxicity leave her you can always find another girl but not your self respect which is what you lose being around a toxic woman.

That is why remaining objective around girls is so important do it as if your life depends on it. Which in a way it kind of does.