Journal. Cheer me on?

Long time. Also, I am high on stress and low on time, hence...long time. Checking in. Sober one day at a time by God's grace. Would like to respond to some other posts in some other threads...sometime. But as I say, low on time right now. Hard mode has resumed, also for a long time. One day at a time. I have written the word 'time' a lot in this post. Very tired. Peace out for now.

 

I am triggered for the first time in a while. Trigerred on tiredness. Wife in hospital and baby slept 10.30pm-2.00am and then woke every 40 minutes for me last night for some reason. Cannot think straight and feels like addict waking up, P memories popping up for first time in a long time and seeming appealing. I commit to depend on God for sobriety just for today.

 

i just need to get through one more hour and then the paid help which we were given funding for (nurse) who has been away for the weekend will return to relieve me.... have been looking after our other v young elementary schooler too, both at the same time.... so tired. i am a broken man lol!

 

Thank you.

Made it. Phew. Can get some more unbroken sleep until Friday night.

One night doesn't magically fix everything, though! I still feel almost sick with exhaustion!

And therefore vulnerable. Need to keep connected. To God, to others, to my family, friends, APs, SA contacts, here by posting this. To myself, in a healthy way! 'Only connect.'

 

Really horrible P dream last night, and emission. In the dream afterwards I was so distraught that I had acted out. Then I woke up and was relieved. Then I fell back asleep again, possibly had another one, and was distraught that I had acted out again again, then woke up and was relieved again, repeating the whole cycle.

Truly horrible. I surrender these dreams to you, God. The emission also has a nasty chaser in its tail, and some testicular pain. I surrender that, too.

Again, not sure why it happened now, but I am absolutely exhausted and trying to catch up on rest, and I have noticed that these dreams can happen when I am really really tired.

Also, temptation has been high for the first time in a while, and I may have let a little bit of lust in by courting it in my mind briefly.

Thank you God that I have not looked at P, or done M. I seek you for more and more victory over lust, by your power alone.

I need to connect with God and others, or I’m dead. AP coming round this evening. Going to message SA fellows too.

One more thing. I want to push back against the language of ‘streaks’ that some people on nofap use. To me, using the word ‘streak’ betrays completely the wrong mindset. It implies that eventually the streak is going to end, and it also sounds like achievement by our own strength. How long can YOU go for?

What I want instead of a ‘streak’ is permanent sobriety, till I die. A permanent streak. That is what I seek God for. But I can’t get it all at once. It has to be one day at a time. So God, I choose to depend on you to stay sober just for today, just for this day, this hour, this moment. Please help me. I need you. Amen.

 

Hello. I have edited the first post in this journal thread with a very brief summary of my story, as I realise this is something that lots of people have. Thank you.

 

I have had a currently unusual wave of P cravings lately, or maybe it is more to correct to say that I have been turning briefly in my mind to thoughts and memories of P lately? Courting temptation. ‘Acting in.’ Particularly first thing in the morning, last thing at night, or in the watches of the night.

Why should this be so now?

I am still very tired.

Also, ‘hard mode’ continues. There has been one instance of ‘normal mode’ in the last five months.

There have been one or two opportunities when I thought ‘hard mode’ would cease again briefly, but they have not worked out, for various reasons. That could be something to do with the temptation wave too—the temptation to turn elsewhere out of disappointment, frustration and an misplaced sense of selfish entitlement.

It seems to me that the way through all this is acceptance:

I wish that P did not still have such power over me, on my own, left to my own devices (pun). I wish that I did not sometimes experience P flashbacks, dreams and craving waves. I wish that somewhere in me, in some part of me, my flesh, my sinful nature, I did not desire it and want to use it. I wish I did not have a weakness for attractive women, and for images and videos of nude and topless women, posing or having sex.

But, at least at this point in time, I do, and I need to accept it and surrender it, hand it over to God, rather than trying to fight it, which will only make it grow.

I wish that I wasn’t so tired at the moment.

But, at least in this point in time, there is not a lot I can do about that. I actually get up very early to spend time with God and be creative (and do things like journaling this), because that sustains me and gives me joy-strength, but I also go to bed early too. I also have a newborn and young elementary schooler to look after and a very unwell wife. Tiredness just seems to come with this season of life.

I must accept this and surrender it to God.

And, lastly, for now, I wish that I was not stuck in what nofap dubs ‘hard mode’ (even if it is really just a form of ‘normal mode’).

But circumstances mean that marital intimacy is not possible right now, and MO is not an option for me as a recovering lust addict, because it is the action of lust, and for me leads to obsession, pollution, shame, depression, anxiety, even more heightened P cravings, and all sorts of other negative effects.

I must accept this and surrender it to God.

Now to focus on someone/thing else instead of dwelling on these pains.

 

Thanks a lot CPilot! Your replies mean a lot!

 

Thanks man. Really kind of you.

Treatment actually going well--it's working. It's just a massive slog! Lots of non-serious complications which means lot and lots of hospital appointments, visits, etc.

I have read about that Bare Marriage Story before on the blog and in Great Sex Rescue. I have even messaged/commented Sheila anonymously to ask if Rebecca's husband did MO in that time, back when I was still struggling to get clear about MO again. No response! Yet at least!

I highly recommend SA. Great stuff. Not specifically Christian, but full of Christians, and very easy to fit into it as a Christian.

 

200 days

-200 days no M, with progressive victory over lust (less and less 'acting in' by briefly turning to P memories in my mind, less and less second looks, etc.)

~4 months hard mode 'streak'

-1 year, 1 month, 7 days no P or 'P-subs'

Biggest lessons:

-Only God's power; only God's glory.

-Connection connection connection. Face-to-face confession and accountability; SA meetings. 'Only connect'.

-Surrender. Let it go. Lay it down. Let it be there and refocus elsewhere.

-Without God, I can't. Without me, God won't.

-One day at a time. I only need sobriety from Jesus for the next 24 hours, for this moment even. All I have is this present moment.

-Gratitude. Thankfulness.

-Stopping 'legitimate' fantasising about intimacy with my wife stops blue balls from happening.

 

Thanks so much, CPilot.

 

I am triggered on tiredness again. Seem to be getting into a bit of a pattern here. I have funded help with circumstances on the weeknights, but on the weekends it disappears, and this week it went earlier than usual for various reasons so I am utterly exhausted. I am currently looking after three people--not complaining, just reporting!

Temptation. Temptation to turn briefly in my mind to mental P highlight reel from years of acting out--mainly nude and topless posing and sex scenes from films--for moments at a time, especially last thing at night or first thing in the morning.

Anyone have any tips with dealing with turning to highlight reels in the mind?

I know from reading a Sheila Wray Gregoire book that most men who have viewed P have these inner highlight reels.

A revelation to me over the past few years was that there is such a thing as internal activity, as well as external activity. What I do with my mind and what I concentrate on and think about / imagine is a form of behaviour. That doesn't mean that everything that happens in my mind is a behaviour--like thoughts popping into it, noticing an attractive woman in RL, seeing an image that I wasn't looking for--but I can choose where I direct my focus and attention.

However. When it comes to these past memories, images and lust, I am powerless over them. They are always going to be pleasurable and enticing. And by myself I am hopelessly drawn to them. Fighting them doesn't work; I can't beat them myself and I can't make myself somehow not find them enticingand pleasurable anymore.

So really I know the answer to my question. The answer is to turn in my mind when tempted in this way to God, to Christ, to the Holy Spirit, who has power over these images and lust and can give me that power to resist them, by drawing me to himself instead. The answer is to pray and seek help from God, then refocus on him and other positive internal and external activities, including reaching out to others if necessary, not getting stuck in the deadly activity of dwelling on temptation. The battle starts in the mind, and if won with God's help, it ends there too. 'Acting in' can be just as deadly as 'acting out'. Lust is the root problem. Not viewing P, not M, which are lust full-grown, but lust--which is inner, in my heart, in me--until I let Jesus deal with it.