Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Yes, thank you this has been one of my own battles that I am fighting, but decided I needed to try to accomplish in order to heal. Once I saw that he was being honest with me, I was able to fight my natural instinct to bottle up my pain and just fester about it for days. For me, it's one of the most difficult challenges in my process of healing. My entire life, I've preferred to just deal with my feelings, by myself.

Now that I am telling him my feelings, as they occur, I kind of feel a nice sense of relief after. Like the anger (aka "weight") has been lifted from my shoulders.

I understand EXACTLY what you are saying about wanting people to react, in the way that you would. I have been dealing with that my entire life as well. I tend to give others 110% but never get that back, I'd be lucky to get 45% back in return. However, when it comes to my husband, especially after I have opened up about all of this in recent weeks, plus after 12 years - he should know better. With his recovery he has been learning how to be more attentive, understanding and considerate of my feelings. So, after I gave in and did something so significant, something that required me cross a huge hurdle within myself and trust him, I EXPECTED him, especially at this point to understand how big of a deal this was for me. That's what hurt me the most. After something so intimate to be left feeling vulnerable, used, and alone. That's the only way I can describe it.

Not offended at all, you did remind me that I do project often and I guess it's kind of wishful thinking, hoping people would react, the way that I would.

Forgiveness is a big unknown for me, in my particular situation, I have a lot of hurt and pain to process, in order to even get to the possibility of considering it, plus, I am scared of taking another risk because there's still a chance of getting destroyed once more. There are so many moving parts within the concept of forgiveness. Feel free to discuss more, I would love to learn more and get other perspectives on it.

 

My intuition is also telling me, that the changes he is trying to make, have been real - maybe not perfect, but real.

 

DAY 53:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has continued to be honest with me about his urges/triggers...
• Reading information/watching/videos on healing and learning to verbalize my frustrations as they happen.
• Daily talk with my husband (w/o distractions)...

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Had a nice and quiet lunch date (no kids!) with the hubby. We had a really long night (yep, again lol) last night [talking] working out some stuff. We discuss my feelings, his, past situations as well as the most recent one - any questions I may have or he may have. Then later in the afternoon, both of us agreed, that even with some bumps, this has been the calmest and closest we have ever been. I can't really explain it, but I guess now that I am forcing myself to EXPLAIN why I am triggered/angry/upset to him instead of holding onto it, festering for hours/days which made me angrier - I have just felt like I am no longer carrying this burden alone. It's a really nice feeling to experience, I must say.

He hasn't really had any urgers/triggers to PM either.

 

DAY 54:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has continued to be honest with me about his urges/triggers...
• Reading information/watching/videos on healing and learning to verbalize my frustrations as they happen.
• Daily talk with my husband (w/o distractions)...

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Today was a peaceful day. No issues, triggers or urges for him (or me). It was nice, to just feel rested. Last night, after our talk, we tried something... different? we made out for what felt like over an hour lol and just worked on some foreplay and skipped sex and went to bed. It was so sweet and sensual.

Went out to lunch together again, where we talked some more. He brought up the fact that - how now when he thinks back to certain events, actions I took or reactions I had throughout the years are really beginning to make so much more sense to him now. Like when I didn't want to kiss him much during sex, or when he wanted 'some' and I would come up with some excuse, or say "not right now, later tonight" then when we get in bed, I would just go to sleep and not bring it up again. Or how I was constantly looking for new hobbies (like online gaming/MMO's) to avoid him since he ignored me anyway, I could escape to my online world where I got plenty of attention from others. He recalled what kind of an asshole he was on our honeymoon towards me, his behavior all together over the last few years. I was appreciative of this acknowledgment because; to be honest, I didn't think he cared enough to even notice these things were happening at all, especially back then.

We also talked about how weird but wonderful it is experiencing all these new feelings has been. How good it feels to finally know what true intimacy feels like, after 12 years of NONE.

Then we went into our fears, how we both have similar ones yet still different: For me, I am scared of falling for the new him, only to end up hurt again if he get's complacent and turns back into his old self. I am worried about making the wrong decision; to stay, then waste more time, only to get destroyed all over again. For him, he also fears he might get complacent at some point and is scared his old self could come back, but now after he has had a taste of what being so vulnerable, honest, intimate and connected with me is like - he is scared of losing all of that because he said it feels really good.

Talks help, any PA/SO out there, should be talking to each other!

 

Thank you so much, it has really helped us both. I agree that not all of our talks were, umm "pleasant" but those were discussions that we needed to have. I'm more of a rational thinker and he is more of an irrational/in the moment thinker. So, every time he talks about a situation, I've been helping him dive deeper into it and compartmentalize it all - so the cause/effect per situation, begins to make sense to us both. It's been such a learning experience for him and I both.

Which could be true, but when I told him I was done with our marriage on the 4th D-Day, I was unwilling too and didn't want to do anything with him; other than deal with kid/household issues. Then he decided to begin his recovery and about a week in, he asked me if he could talk to me; in order to help his recovery. I was hesitant at first, but after some persistence on his part, I finally agreed. I didn't do much talking at first, but as soon as I witnessed him actually being honest and vulnerable for the first time in his life, only then did I begin responding. But every one is different.

I thought my PA would never open up, but he proved me wrong. He showed me he was really willing to put in the effort, if it wasn't for his persistence, I would have remained closed off.

Thank you again, I really appreciate hearing that

 

@Jason Russo NYC I understand what you are implying because of everything you've gone through. Yes, it is his fault for what was done to me, our relationship in the last 12 years. Am I upset about that? yes. Can I change that? no. However, I'm appreciative of the fact, that he is at a point now, where he can acknowledge my pain, feelings and even remember some of these little things ON HIS OWN, without me reminding him. To me, that's some real progress right there because he is realizing how his actions, had consequences. This takes a lot of thought and self-reflection, he never bothered with before but now he is. I think that is wonderful.

You are right, he did tell me that. It's nothing new though, it's my fear as well, but that fact that he can openly confess that fear to me is a LEAP forward for me. Because it tells me that ever since he began his recovery he is learning to be honest with me. Hopefully with the solid foundation that we are rebuilding; together, he will be able to come to me if he feels complacency setting in. I personally see this as PROGRESS as well, you know why? because it would have been a hell of a lot easier for him to just say: "I have no fears baby, and don't worry about your fear of me going back to PM - I swear it will never ever happen! promise!". It's much easier for him to lie, but he decided to tell me the truth; at this point, that is all I am asking of him and I have been getting it.

 

DAY 55:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has continued to be honest with me about his urges/triggers...
• Reading information/watching/videos on healing and learning to verbalize my frustrations as they happen.
• Daily talk with my husband (w/o distractions)...

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Last night we talked some more and had a little fun after. Let's just say, I felt so good after that for once I actually slept through the night, I can't even remember the last time that happened. #Rested

Today started out just fine, we went to the mall. On the drive there, we spoke a bit about how his past PM use may have spiraled into what I now call, my DDAY #5 (the "actions he took" aka his full disclosure). He told me what he did in order to hide his PM from me after DDay #1. He said after a while he would get bored and so on, so forth, which led him to a really dark place eventually. This talk didn't trigger me, I was genuinely just curious to see how his mind worked itself up what he allowed himself to do later on. We discussed it in a quiet peaceful manner, no anger or hostility from either of us; most of our heavy talks have been that way though, thankfully. After that, we just listened to music the rest of the way.

As songs went on, my mind began to drift and I started thinking back to how I got to my own mindset back in Jan, where I was just done with him and our marriage. Then as we were getting closer to the mall, something random hit me: What other man would find it fun to go to the mall with me to play Pokemon Go? while the little one ran around in a kid's indoor playground? We are both geeks, we play Pokemon Go, yea I admit it. Today there was a community event to catch a rare Pokemon. We caught a bunch btw lmao.

It's a Sunday, which was probably a bad idea for me - for many reasons. One of which is, I hate crowds: there's too much noise, no parking and just too many people to get around. But we had a Pokemon to catch lol. Now, what I didn't think about but probably should have, was how packed the indoor playground would be... and how that would really trigger me. .. not the kids, but there moms - lots of them, some wearing really tight clothes. I sat there, as my husband was following the little one around and all I could think of is "yep, he's probably looking at every pair of tits and ass in this place right now - because he isn't near me, so he won't get caught". Then every time "his type" would pass by, I felt flush, anger and thought "he must feel like he is in fucking paradise right now". I just wanted to scream, but I didn't, I kept my composure. I sent him a message asking: "Controlling your urges? Bet it's a challenge today" and he responded with "I am and it is, I did want to talk to you about it, but so many ppl around". I guess we'll talk about my trigger and his urges tonight. Then I was the victim of oogling myself, I didn't think my sweater was too revealing but some guy (prob someone's husband!!) sat down next to me, started saying something to me, but I had my headphones in, so I paused my music and said "what?" and pointed to my headphones to implying I have no idea what he just said lol and he goes "just wanted to say God bless you". All while looking down my shirt - I just nodded my head and put my headphones back in. Maybe I should have given a link to NoFap? lol.

I've often noticed when men/boys check out my boobs or ass, I've been victim to so many freaking catcalls (born and raised in NYC), the constant whistling, the "ai mami", dumbass cheesy pick up lines and all sorts of bullshit - but it wasn't until I kept catching my own husband looking at other women, did it really begin to irritate me... from his end to my own. Now when I catch people oogling me, I don't think "oh wow, I still got it!" all that I think is "wow, I can imagine how many women notice my husband looking at them - then glance over, look at me and think, well he must like me better than his own wife".