Relapsed yesterday and i was bored to come here and reset my counter so today as simple as that i found an excuse to relapse again. I knew it when my mind did that trick on me and i just ignored it.
Day 13 - had some stress from work...almost hit the search button for P...literally walked out of the house and left the phone there. But here's a new thing. The wife has always met all of my ideals as far as physical attributes are concerned. So I realized that whenever I look at her I can easily (and I think I often do) think...hmmm I like that, in an objectifying way. Jeez I know that's a kinda f'ed up way of thinking but I do love her and relate to her in more ways than just physically. It's almost like all the P thoughts I used to have (and we all know that sh1t can occupy ALOT of our waking moments brain function) are replaced with physical sexual thoughts about the wife. I suppose that's better than P, right? And here's another spin, she enjoys my appreciation of her physical attributes like when I am checking her out and complimenting her. She's told me that in previous relationships her partner never noticed her physically so my attention is good for ego. Am I replacing online P with a human substitute? Confusing. I guess I am once again trying to figure out managing my sexuality in real life within the space of a committed relationship. Thanks all for listening. Stay strong.
Checking in...on day 57 now with no P....I have finally M and O recently as got so crazy horny and touching myself so thought might as well just get it out of me which I did...but still no P. Next is to beat previous record of 63 days
Still ruining my life with porn. Tomorrow is another day. Or I guess today is another day since it's 2:40am here.
A reset. Had a lovely sexual morning with partner. Thought that would be enough. But no! that seemed to not have hit the spot, and fo a full release, I had to M on my own as well. With P. How f'ed up is that?! Starting from 0 and taking this lesson to make the next streak better.
Relapsed again. This one and the one from last week were very clearly stress related, not being able to cope with how busy and unfocused my work is at the moment. I could see both relapses coming very clearly: I knew that the way I was dealing with the stress throughout the day - basically panicking more and more - was going to put me in a place where I would at some point run towards the thing that my brain thinks is the ultimate escape. This boils down to the thing I keep returning back to, which is that I not only need to un-train my brain to stop running to PM, but also to find better ways of dealing with stress and the relating anxiety and self-hatred. But this is easier said than done. Well, tomorrow will be better.
I'm working through the same thing. How to disconnect the previous habit of PMO to "top off" intimacy IRL.
Day 14 - some good news...there is hope my friends. Some months ago I was experiencing a real lack of sensitivity that prevented O during intimacy with wife. I have only MO'd once in the last 50 days (no P). Happy to report that sensitivity is back and response is total. It seems the body CAN change back to its previous condition. This is welcome positive reinforcement to help battle my addiction and gives me another reason to avoid PMO when the urge to act out surfaces. Stay strong everyone - results can happen!