Leaving the Hive

For whatever reason , he has still not made his way to the Den . He’s just up here in living room still . Watching tv with me , sleeping on the couch . Like in limbo . Maybe waiting on my clear cut decision. I’m not making any moves yet . I have not told him to do anything like in the past where it was too hard and hurtful to see him , of all the things I was about to lose .
This time I just don’t care enough to have him move himself . The big convos of WHY and what now are over .
The problem with this is no decision has been made out loud. I think he thinks he can keep it , I’ll stay in the relationship and nothing changed . PROOF : last night he was actually joking with me like we used to but cocky . I then had to say “ we are not in a place where you can joke with me like that ( sugar was low so I ate a few of his chicken tenders , his response to that “IM GLAD I COULD make YOU dinner “then I ate one of his cookies and he said “I’m glad I helped save your life “) aww poor man’s feelings got hurt with my response lol .
His response “ well I’ve been staying quiet , or I’m at work , I won’t say another word “
I really don’t know WTF he thinks is going to happen. I said status quo for now on Tues . Which was very little communication. This man baffles me .

 

Wow , an actual apology lol for poking the bear

 

It was an “ I’m sorry if you took it that way , this sux , but it is what it is and I don’t want to fight “ apology lololol

 

What a weird ass dream . In the dream I asked if I could kiss him to see if I felt anything. I felt nothing other than I wanted sex from him . That says a lot about my huge heart . It’s been preparing itself for a long time . The dream then went into us being swingers lol . I took that as my plan of him keeping it and me moving on while living here

 

Well FUCK ,I’m starting to invest in myself, separate from the marriage and hopefully that pulls me further from any investment in the home other than my boys /men

 

I’m TRYING !! 2 bottles of champs with my sis today lolol

 

Welll the Lied To , just became the liar . I don’t know how ppl lie so easily . The lies tasted horrible coming out . I will be in a fake “ relationship “ . I literally will give none of myself . At least I’ll have health insurance. That’s the MOST important right now .

 

I lied and said I didn’t tell anyone ( so things aren’t weird w family gatherings )
I lied and said we can be one step above status quo ( I am not inwardly )
I lied and said we can start to build a different relationship slowly ( I have NO intentions on investing any of my feelings or heart into this , by different I’m only here for health insurance and a roof over my lol )
I am NOT lying to MYSELF anymore . I know what this is /was . Only now the “fake” will be on my end . For however long it takes me to heal my foot enough to get a FT job . It’s going to hard but without this marriage I absolutely can not afford health insurance

 

No , but definitely make my life very awkward and uncomfortable in the home and I honestly just want peace . He pouts like a child when he doesn’t get what he wants lol I have made multiple plans outside of the house coming up without him . My focus will be ME . People shift their relationships all the time . If we just coexist my kids will feel it and I don’t want that for THEM . I know he’ll never change that’s clear , and for the first time I actually don’t want him to I’m not fighting for him to . I don’t know if any of that makes sense to you . Other than this we have a nice life that I can very easily keep while filling my own life with things that have zero to do with him . I will not become bitter I will not be hardened by this just he’s not gonna get any of the love He truly doesn’t deserve who I am and who I’ve been. I will very easily forgive him for myself

 

Poke the bear . Why ? I’m leaving him alone . I dunno why he keeps pushing me to fight back . I won’t

 

THAT makes perfect sense !!!
Me : “ Why do you keep poking the bear
Him : I’m usually quiet
Me : So it’s either gonna be quiet or jabs there’s nowhere in the middle
Him : I guess I don’t know how to be with this
Me : how bout try maturity
Him : I’ll try to be more mindful

great ! Cut to an hour later my son asked what time my EEG Is , dickhead says “ maybe they’ll tell you your crazy “
I said very softly : MAYBE CUZ YOU MADE ME THIS WAY

So ya I think he’s trying to get me angry since anger is an emotion. Not doing it . That shows I care . I just have to keep doing what I’m doing I’m not fighting not arguing with him anymore . But If he keeps this up I’m really not gonna try to keep the peace in the house just not I’ll give him one final fuck off lol

 

I saw this quote today and it really is so profound yet simple <3

“Even the strongest
feelings expire when
ignored and taken
for granted.”