Hey I'm brand new here. I've been struggling for years with both porn and sex addiction amplified by several substance addictions. I recently learned about how sexual trauma can fuel or cause this sorta thing when I decided to actually admit to myself that maybe I am actually addicted and this is problem. I don't know what to do. I'm really trying so hard and it's not getting me anywhere. I wish I wasn't like this. If anyone has any suggestions I'd love that. I've turned my trauma into kinks to deal with it and it feels like I'm stuck reliving those events everyday for hours, and it honestly makes me hope that maybe I just won't wake up tomorrow. I keep on fighting though. I try and have successful days every now and then, but those are numbered while the bad ones are countless. I want to get better; I need to get better; I don't know how to get better. All of my relationships in the past have been purely built off of sex, I've cheated on almost every girl I've been with, and I've been with so many girls that I can't seem to develop any kind of emotional bond anymore. Almost a year ago I stopped sleeping around as much because I realized that It was making me severely depressed. My wakeup call was when I addressed how I felt with someone I was screwing at the time and she seemed to understand at first but just about an hour later didn't really seem to care and I ended up just doing what she wanted in order to be left alone. After that I stopped seeing her and anyone else which led me to realizing that I had a porn addiction as well. When I didn't have a girl in my bed I was watching one on my phone. This addiction spiraled once I stopped sleeping around and I'd essentially become a hermit who wouldn't leave his room or go outside except to eat something and get more drugs. I relapsed with sex addiction in November 2022 with a girl who I'd slept with a few times before and who I had cheated with during my last two relationships. Despite her telling me multiple times that she actually liked me I ended up treating her like garbage, cheating on her several times, and throwing her out without a second thought. Since then I've just sunk deeper into my porn addiction. Sorry for the long post and I know I'm an awful person with how I treat women. I don't know if this was an overshare and actually belongs on this thread but yeah that's been my journey so far. edit 1: Please don't send me hate even though I kinda deserve it. I'm really trying to better myself if that's possible for a guy like me. I get it the guy described above is a piece of shit and might grind your gears; he sure as hell grinds mine in those quite moments where it's just me and him. If you really want to post hate I can't stop you, but it's just a humble request from a one human to another.
There's no need for hate here. We are all guilty one way or the other. Coming to the realisation that you need help is the first step, acting on it is the next but the hardest. You will come out clean. Stay determined.
We are all here for the same thing. This is a level playing field, we are all much more alike then different. You can recover from this, it will be hard work but you can do it and it is worth it. Take care.
I am no expert but my advice after reading that is the first thing you need to do is to forgive yourself. The more you hate what you do and the person you are, the more you fall back into the same habits. Especially, if you are a substance addict as well. The guilt and shame somehow lures you back into repeating the same activities because your negative ego wants to prove you are right about all the bad things you think about yourself. Acceptance of that part of yourself is so important. Your positive self esteem is going to be absolutely vital in your recovery, so I recommend you seek ways in which to improve this. There is loads of material online to help with this, go and seek it - Become a student of recovery and learn everything you can about your ego and self esteem.
Thank you I really appreciate that. I've been trying to be more accepting of myself and have made some slow progress. For a really long time and even now sparingly, I would just insult myself in every way possible after doing those things, but I've been doing that a lot less and it's helped a lot!
