21 years old, ED, no libido, awful mood, no motivation, questioning my sexuality

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by EveryDayZit, May 2, 2019.

  1. EveryDayZit

    EveryDayZit Fapstronaut

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    Hi,
    Long post and may contain triggers

    I am 21 years old. I've began watching porn since a very young age, I was 10 or something like that. It starded with pictures of naked women, then the videos of naked women, after that the lesbian videos. I've masturbated very often, few times a day, I started to fantasize about my female friends, teachers, my female cousins and aunts. I remember that often I didn't even need porn, I was masturbating to my imagination. Soon it became a habit, something to do when I was bored. Of course the videos I've watched became worse and worse, I've developed sick fetishes, normal naked woman didn't do the trick for me anymore. I've found 4chan back then, and it was full of weird shit, what started to get me going was Loli porn. I knew then that something is wrong, but I didn't care. I didn't care in fact about anything, I was a lazy turd that masturbated and played video games all day. I remember one day, I noticed, I don't even have an urge to masturbate, to look at porn, to masturbate to my female friends, teachers, it's like my libido just shut down. I was 18 or 19 i think. I've wanted a girlfriend badly then, because every guy around me had one, and already lost their virginity. But I was shy, lazy, and too ugly to even try dating. Also at that age you have to think about the future, and further education. That got me so fucked up. All those things got me depressed. I was a total mess. I've depeloped some stupid OCDs back then, I've payed too much attention to my looks, my penis size, my erection quality. I was checking everything every day. Looking back at it now I did this because I wanted to be ready to have a girlfriend. It was shit. After all of that went away I've focused my attention on 3D graphics, I wanted to pursue this. I've started to see myself in the future, I loved it, I would spend every day on making 3D graphics. I've made a portolio, and that was it. I've kinda started to get more popular on the internet also. But I've stopped doing it. I think I went back to porn, but I still didn't even had urges to watch it, my libido was low. I mean the porn was present now and then, but I didn't pay much attention to it. After some time I've got out from my parents home, and moved to a big city, and started my education. It was something new, exciting, I remember I've read some book about not giving a fuck about stupid things and it helped me. For a short time it was nice, I've met new people, I was dating even, and I wanted to become a better person. It all went to shit when I've decided to get my first tattoo, and the tattoo guy gave me a blowjob. It was my first sexual encounter. With a guy. He locked the doors, started telling me some weird shit, he said he likes me and he trusts me, he said he was an ex member of a gang, he killed a man, he started taking amphetamine and said that I have to take some too. Basicaly he was threatning me. Saying stuff like he will know where I live, and he can do everything. I WAS SCARED SHITLESS he made the tattoo, I took the drugs. I was blocked. I was always a too much agreeable person. He did what I've wrote earlier, I've let him do that because I thought that it will be over, and I will be free. It was awful experience, definitely not pleasurable. But to this day. It left me broken, fucked, full of guilt and shame. That I've let this happen. OCDs went back, I thought I had a STD from that. I've cried every day. During that time I got a job as a 3D graphic designer. It was a huge success. My work has payed off. But, I was still devasteted, and I still am as I'm writing this. I've eventualy got a girlfriend, a beautiful girl, amazing face and body, a wonder, but with a very specific character. I've lost my virginity to her. She was very experienced although younger than me. She liked sex very much, she would innitiate it very often. Tbh i didin't like that. I've had an ED. My dick barely worked. I couldn't get aroused by her. She understood that. She was very helpful. But instead of focusing on the other important aspects of a relationship, I've focused only on my dick. Espacially when she loved sex. Soon I've became angry, resentful. I didn't like the way she behave, I was extremally jealous of her. I've felt weak, like I was not a man. She noticed that. From the beginning there was no love between us. I wanted this more than sex, more than anything. I've opened myself to her, all of my bad, weak sides. She began too. I thought that we could make it work, that together we could move to the top. Soon my dick started to work. I've quit cigs, began nofap and told her about this. I did kegels, which helped BIG TIME. And it was amazing, I remember that one time I thought of porn and I came very quick. But it went to shit. She would prefer to get drunk with others, joke around to make me jealous, she focused more on her male friend. I've noticed that she liked to manipulate. She was cold, and I knew that. She said that she is not able to love someone. She didnt want to have sex, I've started watching porn again and masturbating. Eventually she broke up with me. I also believe she might have betrayed me at some point. She was a sex addict, and she liked to drink a lot. It was too much for me. Eventually she broke up with me, and focused on partying and having sex with randoms. It left me destroyed. I don't feel like a man. HOCD kicked in. During the relationship even. I went to a psychologist and he said that I might be gay or bi. Since then, I have intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and I often check my arousal. I've looked at gay porn to see. And I was scared and what I am afraid of, aroused. I've began to look at other males to see if Im aroused. Constantly I was thinking about my male friend from work. I think that I never popped an erection to it. But there is some level of arousal. While still a naked woman body does very little for me. It's terrible, I want it to stop. Thoughts about having sex with males occupy my mind. When I was with my ex gf it would go away. I loved getting emotional with her, that would always get me a boner. But why do I have these thoughts? I have nothing against Gay people, I knew that I'm not gay and I will never be. Yet something like this happens. I am on my second day of NoFap. Hard mode. I am a mess. I cant save up money, im lazy, sad, dont feel like a man, no motivation or ambition. When being with my ex gf i've did nofap, for 60 days i think. I've entered flatline, small libido, then HOCD. I don't want to be Gay. I can't believe that at this age you can just switch like that. It is not who I am. Im afraid that I will turn Gay.

    TL DR:

    21 yo, huge PMO since childhood, sad, depressed, lazy, ED with ex gf, lack of arousal with women, HOCD, intrusive thoughts, I don't feel like a man.
     
  2. Florida Freedom

    Florida Freedom Fapstronaut

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    Hi, thanks for telling your story...………...if deep down within yourself you want a normal relationship with a girl who loves you then hold onto that hope. What that tattoo artist did to you was manipulating, wrong and not your fault. If you are hetero and thats what you want to stay then its possible that the porn and the experience you had with tatoo guy has confused you. at this point, get off Porn asap...………..then you will see your mind clearing up. if there are attractions that you have that are obsessive and against what you want, then you have the power to stop them and be healed...……….but it starts with a life without Porn.
    I am pulling for you and I know you can turn your life around.
     
  3. EveryDayZit

    EveryDayZit Fapstronaut

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    Thank You, it's just weird for me, because even when this thing tattoo artist happen, I was pretty certain that I'm straight, It was stupid experience, and I was weirded out by it. I was ashamed that I've let that happen in the first place. The HOCD kicked in when I had sex problems with my ex Gf, when psychologist suggested to me a possibility of being gay and bi, when my friend laughed at me for not being able to have sex with my girl, and that I'm probably gay. My confidence was destroyed. I began thinking what may arouse me and what does not. Gay thoughts popped up. Before all of that I never had those thoughts, and If I somehow encountered things like that I was like damn that's not my thing. Lately I went to a gym and I got anxious seeing dudes there. Before that, I would go to the gym regularly, I wanted to become a bodybuilder even, had no problems with that. I tend to think a lot about future, and I always think about many aspects of life in a negative way, I overanalyze EVERYTHING. I am afraid now, that somehow I might end up living in a denial in the future? A buried voice in my head keeps telling me that, come on, do not think about that, why do I even give those thoughts so much attention. But I want to be certain about things in my life. I now know that porn is a terrible thing, and I hope that parents will keep their children away from it. After 60 days of NoFap I stared PMO again, in massive amounts, then came the fantasies, and I would fantasize about my ex Gf, I would put her in porn scenarios in my head. Recently I look back a lot to the past, and I've noticed that when watching porn or fantasizing I've rarely imagined myself in those acts, being a dominant or something like that. My ex Gf wanted me to dominate her, but most of the time, I wasn't able. Sometimes I wish that she could stay with me, and maybe help me with this. Still I am very thankful for her help. I have always felt week, worse than others, on the low place in the hierarchy. I want to change this, I want to stop giving a fuck about little, stupid things, I want to focus on what's important. And I want to have a relationship with a woman, I always did. I want to have children in the future, a family. But with those thoughts, and experiences I think I'm losing interest in women. Yet, the funny thing is that I saw a beautiful girl yesterday, and we looked at each other, and I've felt butterflies in my stomach. Almost instantly I've felt better. I know that because of porn, I have perverted mind. I want to get rid of that.
     
  4. Florida Freedom

    Florida Freedom Fapstronaut

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    Ok, so you were not born gay, stop listening to people who tell you that you are. in your heart you know you are not. The porn is what is messing you up. You have to beat this thing and get in the fight. There is a wife and family in your future if that is what you want. Now make it happen.
     
    vapid and AngeZarate10 like this.
  5. AngeZarate10

    AngeZarate10 Fapstronaut

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    if you were gay, you should understood in the teen age.
    HOCD is a trap, don't fall.
    go from a pyschologist.
     
  6. EveryDayZit

    EveryDayZit Fapstronaut

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    Damn, I would NEVER thought that such stupid, bothering thoughts will keep on harassing my mind. Like all the shit I've came through for the past year, my mind just can't handle that. I feel empty, before all of that I've felt like a man, I knew I was a man, even though I was lazy, didn't care about much. But now after those erection problems, not being able to even get horny with a girl, thinking about porn during sex, not being responsible about the important aspects of a reletionship, and life in general, the HOCD, I've started to wonder if I want to be a woman, do I feel like a woman, wouldn't that just be easier. It would never cross my mind before. I had male role models, I've wanted to become a bodybuilder, I was interested in typical man like stuff, since a kid, playing with swords, pretending to be a knight etc. I've had a vision of myself. Right now I feel like a different person. Maybe I'm overreacting, many people would told me that. I'm going to a psychiatrist next week. I know all of this is in my brain, and that's scary. I'm sticking to NoFap, now I'm giving it a real chance, I want to be a better person. I think a lot, and very often the negative/intrusive thoughts are crossing my mind, usually I would relapse to have that dopamine shot and feel better, but fuck this, I'm going to make it through. I also tend to look at other people, my friends for example, and I analyze their behaviour, their approach to life. I have a friend, 22 years old guy, a typical "Peter Pan", still lives with his parents, has no money, no job, and his only interest is drinking every day and looking for love online. He said he is bisexual. He had a girlfriend once, a very pretty one. He had sex with her, and until age 21 he said he was only interested in girls. But suddenly he started to like guys, and from that moment it was guys and guys only, he said It's just easier for him. It's funny, I always knew he was homosexual, the way he talked, his behaviour, it just suggested it. I've asked him, have you ever had those thoughts when you were a teen? He said that yes, but It was just a hormonal phase or sth. Well I guess he knew earlier. Still it kind of scares me. What if I'm in similar situation? When I was a teen all I thought about was girls, I would be called a fag, and people would assume I'm gay, because I was a basement dweller. Still I knew that I am heterosexual. And god damn NOW I have these stupid thoughts. Basically, I'm scared to have a relationship with a woman now, because I fear that I might hurt her. And I'm sick of people saying, just accept yourself, you are good the way you are, your'e fine. BULLSHIT. Where would that lead us? There are things that are obviously wrong with many of people, and we have a duty to fix that problems, to become better, and healthy. I've read, and heard many stories, about people in a weird polygamous relationships, with weird fetishes saying this is normal, for me no, I think it's unhealthy. We never had this before. The amount of stupid shit you can read on the internet is amazing. The scary fact is that more of those things are considered normal. Well soon enough we won't be able to tell what is normal and what is not.
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2019
  7. Frog90

    Frog90 New Fapstronaut

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    Relax dude, it's gonna be ok. Don't be afraid of your feelings, I sort of understand where you are coming from, but don't be so hard on yourself. If you are gay, then don't worry about it, don't let it define you, do whatever you want to do. I do also believe that porn just fucks up your brain so badly, that, as you say, it can become hard to know what is endogenous and what is exogenous, wether you actually are gay or if its just the fact you have watched porn for so long that you are looking for something different. that stuff with the tattoo dude is fcked, really fcked, I would go to the police, I know its degrading and humiliating but that dude deserves to go to prison, what a fucking disgrace. Go through with NoFap and see how you feel, if those feelings stick then don't be embarrassed or afraid of them, there is no point making yourself feel awful for no reason. If they go away, which they may well do, then live your life. I had a similar friend, he get with loads of girls then came out, wasn't that surprised he was always really camp.

    I know it does get tiresome for people to say "just accept yourself", but do you really believe that being gay is akin to other actual perversions? Live and let live brother, if those people don't hurt others, then why let your feelings of disgust rule your reason. If they want to get married to a fucking amusement park ride, let them, who the fuck cares. Being gay is not a moral evil, and I shall happily discuss this if anyone wants a debate on moral philosophy. Freedom is the key, rid yourself of this addiction and then live your life as a free man.
     
  8. EveryDayZit

    EveryDayZit Fapstronaut

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    I didn't want to sound like a homophobe, but I guess I did. It's just that it's shocking to me. I always thought that gay people are just born that way, they knew their orientation when growing up. Even that friend of mine somehow knew earlier, same goes for my other gay friend. I respect gay people, I'm not saying that they're perverted or something like that. It's natural, I know that homosexuality is present even within the animals. I consider this normal. What I can't consider normal is for example a person wanting to get married to a amusement park as you have mentioned. Ok, let this person do it's thing, but don't expect others to consider it normal. That's a tough subject I guess, and everyone has different opinion about it. I'm just shocked and scared that the possibility of being Gay is now present to me. I consider sexuality a very important aspect in my life. It's scary that I've used to thought about myself as a 100% heterosexual, and now It may somehow, suddenly, just like that change. It really is messing with the vision of myself I've always had. There is also a fear of some other perverted, weird fetishes, who knows what else can develop in one's brain from excessive porn use. That's why I'm going with NoFap, that's why I'm getting rid of porn from my life. Damn, I have no idea how sexuality works, I know that I'm not gay, I can eventually be bisexual, that's fine, as long as I was born this way. I don't want my sexual orientation to be shaped by the porn I've watched tough. My biggest fear is that women will become boring to me. Atleast sexually. My romantic attraction was always headed towards females. That's why I've always wanted to have a wife, and children. I think I wouldn't be able to fall in love with a man. That's bothering me. I obsess about it every day. As of now I can't really label myself, I wouldn't say I'm 100% straight, my libido is low, the intrusive thoughts come and go, I am somehow able to manage them, most of them are really fucked up. I can still get hard when I imagine a female that's for sure. There are many things that I am afraid of. I know that I should focus on something else. In the end, maybe that's just me, and I'll have to get used to it. Porn is fucked, that's for sure.
     
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  9. EveryDayZit

    EveryDayZit Fapstronaut

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    When I've moved to a big city, I've lived with a belief that there are many great things ahead of me, that finally I have grown up, I've started dating, I've kinda sucked at it, but I wasn't worrying. I've got a job, money, I've stopped caring about stupid things. I feel like everything fell down the day the tattoo artist abused me. Since then I feel like a kid. I am 21 years old, I look very mature, but inside I feel like a naive, weak child. Tbh that's the first time I've ever told anyone about this. I'm hoping that I'll finally get a grip of my life and myself.
     
  10. Frog90

    Frog90 New Fapstronaut

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    I always used to believe people are born gay, up until now I haven't really questioned that. However if using porn can make people attracted to weird fetishes or people of the same gender, what is to say that environmental factors aren't a cause for change. Totally agree, getting married to an amusement park ride is abnormal, but not morally corrupt or evil. There is something here I don't think many people like to talk about because it can come across homophobic, that if given the choice, wouldn't all people choose to be straight? Wouldn't everyone like to naturally conceive of a child that is comprised of their and their partners DNA, that's is nothing about the morality of being gay or how it is to be gay today. I totally understand that feeling attracted to other guys is worrying, not because in itself is a problem but because most people don't feel the same way, and there is something to be said for "normalcy". I also have problems with self-image and who I perceive myself to be, and on reflection this is not uncommon, in fact I think it is very human. Don't let your self-perception limit yourself, although I would not want to be gay, as I too want to have a family and settle down, with children of my creation, if this turns out not to be possible, then it is far better that you live a way in accordance with your feelings. Living in accordance with your feelings, regardless of how you feel, is possibly the most liberating thing you can do, at least that is how I feel. Granted some people feel like killing other people and some people are Ed Gein, but as long as you are not hurting anyone don't let your self-perception and perception of gay people make you feel like being attracted to guys is a bad thing. Try not to let any feelings towards guys bothering you, its not something worth thinking over, if you do feel attracted to guys, then so be it. Toiling and questioning is not an end in itself, it will only make you feel worse. I'm not sure if thinking about homosexual feelings as "intrusive" will help you, if you find that you are attracted to a family member, the thats good grounds for calling it intrusive. Getting hard over another dude is fine, c'est la vie. Try not to let it bring you down, you are the master of your fate, you are the captain of your soul.
     
  11. EveryDayZit

    EveryDayZit Fapstronaut

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    I guess so, there are moments when I just don't give a damn. I have a goal now, and that's NoFap. I want to improve my life. Maybe it'll turn out that I am not 100% heterosexual, I don't care so much about that, at least now. The worst thing I've noticed with myself is that I am aware of my faults, and I know ways to fix them, to become better, stronger, yet I won't implement them in my everyday life. It's a slow process for me.
     

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