EveryDayZit
Fapstronaut
Hi,
Long post and may contain triggers
I am 21 years old. I've began watching porn since a very young age, I was 10 or something like that. It starded with pictures of naked women, then the videos of naked women, after that the lesbian videos. I've masturbated very often, few times a day, I started to fantasize about my female friends, teachers, my female cousins and aunts. I remember that often I didn't even need porn, I was masturbating to my imagination. Soon it became a habit, something to do when I was bored. Of course the videos I've watched became worse and worse, I've developed sick fetishes, normal naked woman didn't do the trick for me anymore. I've found 4chan back then, and it was full of weird shit, what started to get me going was Loli porn. I knew then that something is wrong, but I didn't care. I didn't care in fact about anything, I was a lazy turd that masturbated and played video games all day. I remember one day, I noticed, I don't even have an urge to masturbate, to look at porn, to masturbate to my female friends, teachers, it's like my libido just shut down. I was 18 or 19 i think. I've wanted a girlfriend badly then, because every guy around me had one, and already lost their virginity. But I was shy, lazy, and too ugly to even try dating. Also at that age you have to think about the future, and further education. That got me so fucked up. All those things got me depressed. I was a total mess. I've depeloped some stupid OCDs back then, I've payed too much attention to my looks, my penis size, my erection quality. I was checking everything every day. Looking back at it now I did this because I wanted to be ready to have a girlfriend. It was shit. After all of that went away I've focused my attention on 3D graphics, I wanted to pursue this. I've started to see myself in the future, I loved it, I would spend every day on making 3D graphics. I've made a portolio, and that was it. I've kinda started to get more popular on the internet also. But I've stopped doing it. I think I went back to porn, but I still didn't even had urges to watch it, my libido was low. I mean the porn was present now and then, but I didn't pay much attention to it. After some time I've got out from my parents home, and moved to a big city, and started my education. It was something new, exciting, I remember I've read some book about not giving a fuck about stupid things and it helped me. For a short time it was nice, I've met new people, I was dating even, and I wanted to become a better person. It all went to shit when I've decided to get my first tattoo, and the tattoo guy gave me a blowjob. It was my first sexual encounter. With a guy. He locked the doors, started telling me some weird shit, he said he likes me and he trusts me, he said he was an ex member of a gang, he killed a man, he started taking amphetamine and said that I have to take some too. Basicaly he was threatning me. Saying stuff like he will know where I live, and he can do everything. I WAS SCARED SHITLESS he made the tattoo, I took the drugs. I was blocked. I was always a too much agreeable person. He did what I've wrote earlier, I've let him do that because I thought that it will be over, and I will be free. It was awful experience, definitely not pleasurable. But to this day. It left me broken, fucked, full of guilt and shame. That I've let this happen. OCDs went back, I thought I had a STD from that. I've cried every day. During that time I got a job as a 3D graphic designer. It was a huge success. My work has payed off. But, I was still devasteted, and I still am as I'm writing this. I've eventualy got a girlfriend, a beautiful girl, amazing face and body, a wonder, but with a very specific character. I've lost my virginity to her. She was very experienced although younger than me. She liked sex very much, she would innitiate it very often. Tbh i didin't like that. I've had an ED. My dick barely worked. I couldn't get aroused by her. She understood that. She was very helpful. But instead of focusing on the other important aspects of a relationship, I've focused only on my dick. Espacially when she loved sex. Soon I've became angry, resentful. I didn't like the way she behave, I was extremally jealous of her. I've felt weak, like I was not a man. She noticed that. From the beginning there was no love between us. I wanted this more than sex, more than anything. I've opened myself to her, all of my bad, weak sides. She began too. I thought that we could make it work, that together we could move to the top. Soon my dick started to work. I've quit cigs, began nofap and told her about this. I did kegels, which helped BIG TIME. And it was amazing, I remember that one time I thought of porn and I came very quick. But it went to shit. She would prefer to get drunk with others, joke around to make me jealous, she focused more on her male friend. I've noticed that she liked to manipulate. She was cold, and I knew that. She said that she is not able to love someone. She didnt want to have sex, I've started watching porn again and masturbating. Eventually she broke up with me. I also believe she might have betrayed me at some point. She was a sex addict, and she liked to drink a lot. It was too much for me. Eventually she broke up with me, and focused on partying and having sex with randoms. It left me destroyed. I don't feel like a man. HOCD kicked in. During the relationship even. I went to a psychologist and he said that I might be gay or bi. Since then, I have intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and I often check my arousal. I've looked at gay porn to see. And I was scared and what I am afraid of, aroused. I've began to look at other males to see if Im aroused. Constantly I was thinking about my male friend from work. I think that I never popped an erection to it. But there is some level of arousal. While still a naked woman body does very little for me. It's terrible, I want it to stop. Thoughts about having sex with males occupy my mind. When I was with my ex gf it would go away. I loved getting emotional with her, that would always get me a boner. But why do I have these thoughts? I have nothing against Gay people, I knew that I'm not gay and I will never be. Yet something like this happens. I am on my second day of NoFap. Hard mode. I am a mess. I cant save up money, im lazy, sad, dont feel like a man, no motivation or ambition. When being with my ex gf i've did nofap, for 60 days i think. I've entered flatline, small libido, then HOCD. I don't want to be Gay. I can't believe that at this age you can just switch like that. It is not who I am. Im afraid that I will turn Gay.
TL DR:
21 yo, huge PMO since childhood, sad, depressed, lazy, ED with ex gf, lack of arousal with women, HOCD, intrusive thoughts, I don't feel like a man.
Long post and may contain triggers
I am 21 years old. I've began watching porn since a very young age, I was 10 or something like that. It starded with pictures of naked women, then the videos of naked women, after that the lesbian videos. I've masturbated very often, few times a day, I started to fantasize about my female friends, teachers, my female cousins and aunts. I remember that often I didn't even need porn, I was masturbating to my imagination. Soon it became a habit, something to do when I was bored. Of course the videos I've watched became worse and worse, I've developed sick fetishes, normal naked woman didn't do the trick for me anymore. I've found 4chan back then, and it was full of weird shit, what started to get me going was Loli porn. I knew then that something is wrong, but I didn't care. I didn't care in fact about anything, I was a lazy turd that masturbated and played video games all day. I remember one day, I noticed, I don't even have an urge to masturbate, to look at porn, to masturbate to my female friends, teachers, it's like my libido just shut down. I was 18 or 19 i think. I've wanted a girlfriend badly then, because every guy around me had one, and already lost their virginity. But I was shy, lazy, and too ugly to even try dating. Also at that age you have to think about the future, and further education. That got me so fucked up. All those things got me depressed. I was a total mess. I've depeloped some stupid OCDs back then, I've payed too much attention to my looks, my penis size, my erection quality. I was checking everything every day. Looking back at it now I did this because I wanted to be ready to have a girlfriend. It was shit. After all of that went away I've focused my attention on 3D graphics, I wanted to pursue this. I've started to see myself in the future, I loved it, I would spend every day on making 3D graphics. I've made a portolio, and that was it. I've kinda started to get more popular on the internet also. But I've stopped doing it. I think I went back to porn, but I still didn't even had urges to watch it, my libido was low. I mean the porn was present now and then, but I didn't pay much attention to it. After some time I've got out from my parents home, and moved to a big city, and started my education. It was something new, exciting, I remember I've read some book about not giving a fuck about stupid things and it helped me. For a short time it was nice, I've met new people, I was dating even, and I wanted to become a better person. It all went to shit when I've decided to get my first tattoo, and the tattoo guy gave me a blowjob. It was my first sexual encounter. With a guy. He locked the doors, started telling me some weird shit, he said he likes me and he trusts me, he said he was an ex member of a gang, he killed a man, he started taking amphetamine and said that I have to take some too. Basicaly he was threatning me. Saying stuff like he will know where I live, and he can do everything. I WAS SCARED SHITLESS he made the tattoo, I took the drugs. I was blocked. I was always a too much agreeable person. He did what I've wrote earlier, I've let him do that because I thought that it will be over, and I will be free. It was awful experience, definitely not pleasurable. But to this day. It left me broken, fucked, full of guilt and shame. That I've let this happen. OCDs went back, I thought I had a STD from that. I've cried every day. During that time I got a job as a 3D graphic designer. It was a huge success. My work has payed off. But, I was still devasteted, and I still am as I'm writing this. I've eventualy got a girlfriend, a beautiful girl, amazing face and body, a wonder, but with a very specific character. I've lost my virginity to her. She was very experienced although younger than me. She liked sex very much, she would innitiate it very often. Tbh i didin't like that. I've had an ED. My dick barely worked. I couldn't get aroused by her. She understood that. She was very helpful. But instead of focusing on the other important aspects of a relationship, I've focused only on my dick. Espacially when she loved sex. Soon I've became angry, resentful. I didn't like the way she behave, I was extremally jealous of her. I've felt weak, like I was not a man. She noticed that. From the beginning there was no love between us. I wanted this more than sex, more than anything. I've opened myself to her, all of my bad, weak sides. She began too. I thought that we could make it work, that together we could move to the top. Soon my dick started to work. I've quit cigs, began nofap and told her about this. I did kegels, which helped BIG TIME. And it was amazing, I remember that one time I thought of porn and I came very quick. But it went to shit. She would prefer to get drunk with others, joke around to make me jealous, she focused more on her male friend. I've noticed that she liked to manipulate. She was cold, and I knew that. She said that she is not able to love someone. She didnt want to have sex, I've started watching porn again and masturbating. Eventually she broke up with me. I also believe she might have betrayed me at some point. She was a sex addict, and she liked to drink a lot. It was too much for me. Eventually she broke up with me, and focused on partying and having sex with randoms. It left me destroyed. I don't feel like a man. HOCD kicked in. During the relationship even. I went to a psychologist and he said that I might be gay or bi. Since then, I have intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and I often check my arousal. I've looked at gay porn to see. And I was scared and what I am afraid of, aroused. I've began to look at other males to see if Im aroused. Constantly I was thinking about my male friend from work. I think that I never popped an erection to it. But there is some level of arousal. While still a naked woman body does very little for me. It's terrible, I want it to stop. Thoughts about having sex with males occupy my mind. When I was with my ex gf it would go away. I loved getting emotional with her, that would always get me a boner. But why do I have these thoughts? I have nothing against Gay people, I knew that I'm not gay and I will never be. Yet something like this happens. I am on my second day of NoFap. Hard mode. I am a mess. I cant save up money, im lazy, sad, dont feel like a man, no motivation or ambition. When being with my ex gf i've did nofap, for 60 days i think. I've entered flatline, small libido, then HOCD. I don't want to be Gay. I can't believe that at this age you can just switch like that. It is not who I am. Im afraid that I will turn Gay.
TL DR:
21 yo, huge PMO since childhood, sad, depressed, lazy, ED with ex gf, lack of arousal with women, HOCD, intrusive thoughts, I don't feel like a man.
