35 and Older Accountability Group

Awesome dude ! This is what Im hoping for as well.

 

Checking in today. Man I had some intense urges this morning and flirted with the dangerous Google search bar. Fortunately my stupid actions lead me to an article on sexualizing/objectifying others which helped me snap-back to reality and avoid a serious fall. I’m not happy about my behavior since I know what happened was incredibly fortunate for me and not the typical outcome.

I’m trying to pinpoint the trigger which I think is a mixture of the frustration from work yesterday as well as thoughts of how long it’s been since I’ve O’d. The frustration mixed with the longing opened the floodgates to urges and other dangerous thoughts. Thankfully, as stated earlier, I was able to stumble upon the topic of sexualizing/objectification which allowed me the opportunity to let reality and humanity back into my life. I was able to empathize and humanize the people contained within my urges. To say “these are people, not things. I’m a person, not a thing”.


I then thought about how predatory in nature my addict brain becomes when it’s activated.

Definition of a predator:
pred·a·tor
/ˈpredədər/
noun

1. an animal that naturally preys on others.
   "wolves are major predators of rodents"
2. 
   a person or group that ruthlessly exploits others.
   "a website frequented by sexual predators"

Preying on and exploits others...man I’ll be damed if that doesn’t describe my addict mentality to a T. When my addict brain turns on I become so selfish that I just want what I want and everything else be damned. I don’t care that the people in the porn I watch are actual human beings and I don’t care that they’re being exploited or that I’m exploiting them. All I think about is what can they provide me with? How can I use their image to satisfy me and my wants. Now I’ve never raped anyone but I had to ask myself, how far off is my addict mentality from the mentality of a rapist or an a abuser? I’ll bet the similarities are so close that they would scare the shit out of me! Yikes, I’m already scared now that I could possibly share such similarities with people who commit those acts.

I must rise above the addict! I must rise above the predatory mindset and spirit addiction fosters!

 

Man...I am 49 and I cant believe I spent my 20s bound by this PMO nonsense because sex life suffered a great deal...what I am experiencing right now cant compare to anything in my PMO life...

 

Sober. Day 4.

 

Another day down . No porn at all - even turned away my head when a porn pop up came. Made love to my wife and it was great

 

Checking in on Wednesday, this week's looking good.

 

Check in wednesday

 

Checking in still on track

 

Will do my man. Thanks for the heads up.

 

Day 2 on the new journey.
The good news is that after feeling like shit yesterday, and on a real downer, today I feel back in good spirits. I don’t seem to have the same confidence with strangers that I had a few days ago, but I am sure that will return quickly!

 

So far so good - had to take photos of my genitals for my surgeon (long story) and needed to be aroused - could have been the best excuse to PMO. Asked wife to assist instead this is going well so far

 

Ending day 5 sober and healthy. Thanks for your support all.

 

Checking in today.

Riding the struggle bus right now. Work is stressful.

Breathe in
Hold
Breathe out

This will pass. Embrace the discomfort.

Breathe in
Hold
Breathe out

 

Check in thursday!

 

Checking in. 132 days and some urges.

 

Checking in today.

Relapsed. Had a stressful day at work and I allowed my emotions to control me instead of controlling them. Ive learned a lot about my triggers and how easy it is to let the monster’s foot in the door. Temptations will always be a thing in life but there is a difference between having a temptation and entertaining a temptation; it’s the entertaining that sparks the fuse of the pmo powder keg.

Beside the fall I’m thankful for the almost 11 days sober! That’s progress and I’m excited to go even further this time around. I’m gonna make it!

 

Checking in. Good week so far.

 

Checking in too. Feeling the punches of the battle but not surrendering.