450 Days of No PMO

Friends,

Peace.

Before I begin (this slightly late post--but I have been busy), I will post links as context for my journey thus far.

My Journal
90 Days of No PMO Success Story
180 Days of No PMO Success Story
365 Days of No PMO Success Story

This fifth cycle of 90 days was a unique time indeed.

Upon completing it, I thought to myself something like, "Wow! This time was much easier than ever! I had no difficulties this time around!"

But then, I decided to actually read my own journal for that time frame.

The results were quite different than I had remembered!

For the first half of 90 days, give or take, I was constantly barraged with terrible temptations to act out on my old PMO cravings (including a fetish). These sorts of stories ranged from desiring porn all the way to thinking about re-entering a fetish community & kick-starting a fetish-based podcast.

I am embarrassed to admit those things, but it shows how faulty my memory was on the subject matter. I am glad I have a journal to hold me accountable!

Otherwise, the last half of this period was fairly solid. Temptations diminished a lot. Why? I think my life was normalizing a bit.

Why was it normalizing?

-During the beginning of the streak, I had COVID & had to quarantine. I underestimated the power of the quarantine. Even at my best "game," there was simply so much time for the mind to wander...

-During this streak, I also struggled for the first time in over a year with spontaneous Os during intense workouts (mainly if they were core-based exercises). Two times during this streak, I experienced this. The first one was actually a complete accident; the second one, I likely could have stopped. Regardless, this whole experience definitely created "chaser" effects that were not fun to deal with. And so, I eventually cut out a significant part of my workout routine simply to avoid this problem. That was not fun...but I have been less "triggered" ever since.

-During this time, I signed up for a certification exam. I studied for it during the beginning of this streak, & all the study was a source of anxiety (not to mention actually taking the exam). But, I also passed the exam & (not too long after) secured a new job. And so, quite naturally, the second half of this streak did not have the super-weight of the anxiety of the exam.

-And I recently only got the new job that my certification prepared me for. This was at the very end of this streak, so it had its own anxiety linked to it...but it also had huge benefits in other ways, too.

I guess all of this is to say that even after all of this time, I still get bogged down & tempted to PMO/fetish.

But even so, I learn something new through each reboot, & I grow cleaner & stronger each time. I think it is quite safe to say that my mind has been made cleaner, & my tastes have become more normal.

It is then true to say that my initial reaction to this streak was genuine: it at least felt easier!

I look forward to growing even more--there is hope in it.

Feel free to ask questions, if you might have any!

God bless,
A Modern Miroku

 

These change, but I have at least two simple goals:
1. Gain experience in my new job/career.
2. Spend more time on certain Catholic principles of discernment (marriage, priesthood, religious life, &c.).

I would not mind spending more time writing, reading, & working out, either...but time is limited.

But some of those desires would also have a vain root. Some of my writing could get published (I have been published in the past). Some of my reading could make me sound more knowledgeable. And if I sacrificed a lot more to my workouts, I could easily enough become fit & have above average muscle definition (why do I say this?--because I am disciplined. I have no doubt that I can do what I put my energy into).

I am not sure that my desires are that new...but I have more time (although I have had more time for a while now). That said, my desires have normalized a bit, & I also have greater power over my desires (they might come to me, but I am not overcome by them constantly). It is hard to describe, but this has been a slow growth in self-mastery.

I hope I have sufficiently answered your questions. Thanks for stopping by!

 

I would say that if you do this, be sure that you are able to get by financially. Also, make sure that you are professional about quitting (generally a 2 weeks notice).

A trip of this kind could unravel rebooting progress if this goal were irresponsible in nature.

A lot of NoFap success revolves around taking on daily responsibilities with regular fidelity...most especially mundane, jobs, life, &c. NoFap, in part, avoids PMO because PMO can be mere escapism. It is best to avoid mere escapism in other parts of our lives as well.

When you take that big trip, make sure that it is really a true experience that you will enjoy & not simply some extension of fleeting fancy.

---

On another note, I do have another goal, though: I would like to make it to two years free of PMO. This would be my longest streak then.

And upon reflecting on your other question: I certainly do have a lot more time. It has just been so long since I was at a super-addict level (not to say I have not been stuck at smaller streaks). Back in the day, I really was a multiple times a day PMO-er who acted out in more extreme ways. This would usually be 30-40 minutes each serious (night) session at minimum, but if I were putting off work or it was a weekend, I could easily pour 4 or 5 hours into it. So it really does suffice to say that I have more time.

 

-I do not claim to be a master! I struggle a lot still, & I have had at least one longer streak in my life (post addiction).
-Sexual fantasies arise, & they do so to different degrees of intensity. There are also different ways in which they arise (sometimes, it is more exterior via "triggers"; other times, I am sad to say, it might be more of an interior wandering of mind). Overall, they are more manageable, less violent, & less frequent than long ago. However, if I am not vigilant, it is easy enough to get lost in temptations. But overall, again, things have gotten easier over time.
-I think that my experience is fairly normal. Things can appear like "superpowers" because of how poor one was living beforehand. It is akin to a starving man receiving proper nourishment; the man will not always become super happy when healing, but he certainly will not be dying from starvation. Even so, the man of proper diet is not immediately muscular &c., though he might feel strong when compared to beforehand. I digress. A lot of things in this journey come & go in seasons. So, too, is my current state.

-You would have to read my journals, but I was a Catholic monk for a while. I have no romantic relationships; I am single. Whether or not I get married is a question on the mind.

I am sorry if I have been confusing; perhaps I forgot the official terminology? I was using reboot to refer to the 90 day period. I just happen to keep on going...so perhaps it is technically no longer a reboot? That said, I suppose even that period is not so set in stone. Regardless, the numbers still hold up. It has been a continuous thing.

Thanks,
AMM

 

Unfortunately, I cannot spend a lot of time writing out an answer right now. I suppose I can come back later if you wish.

I just know that I have goals, & I am willing to use any licit means to achieve those goals.

Sometimes I run away from urges. Sometimes, I face them head on in self-reflection.

Due to my practices of discipline & prayer, sometimes these temptations become a non-entity.

It is really hard to describe.

A lot of it has to do with the healing process.

When I first started, there was a lot more violent "suppression," I suppose you could say. Eventually, things became less violent as I healed with time. As they say, the pathways were not being fed, so they stopped asking for what had become a habit.

I also tend to keep myself busy with goals & accountable with IRL friends.

It really is not one thing so much as it is a lot of things over a lot of time.

 

@pagan_lord : Thanks for the response! I am glad my writing helps in some capacity.

If I were to add a note after-the-fact, I would comment that the word "suppress" (& its related synonyms) seems to have become a negative thing in society.

And yet, I do not think it so.

If a man were an alcoholic, one would wish him to suppress his alcoholism. If a man were abusive, one would wish him to suppress his abuse.

And with the suppression would come the reveal & rise of the other buried traits: The alcoholic would be able to show sobriety and temperance. The violent man would have room for patience and meekness.

My PMO and fetish problems are not good qualities, & so I treat them in like manner. I suppress them.

But suppression is not always running away...

As the monks would say...

"...the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent bear it away."