Confessed my fetish and my addiction to my gf

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by RebootingProtestant, Feb 21, 2021.

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  1. RebootingProtestant

    RebootingProtestant Fapstronaut

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    So recently, I've been working on being open and honest with people who are close to me in regards to pmo so they can help me. In my mind, the more the sin is exposed then the easier it will be to quit. However, when I told my girlfriend about my latest relapse and told her how it went, she massively freaked out. She was scream-crying and saying that I was cheating on her and that I needed to be stronger. That really hurt, but she isn't wrong though. Still, my question is if that is healthy for me and if I should refrain from telling her that stuff ever again.
     
  2. whathaveidone88

    whathaveidone88 Fapstronaut

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    I think that the healthy thing to refrain from would be PMO. I know it's easier said than done but that would save you a lot of trouble. Truth is always the best policy, even when it hurts. If she hasn't left you yet, she obviously cares a lot about you. Sounds like you have yourself a great gal. I would do anything within my power to keep someone who didn't dump me after learning I had porn-related issues.
     
  3. TheForsakeen

    TheForsakeen Fapstronaut

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    Should have left it at your have porn/sex-addiction issue.
     
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  4. dancingwithyou

    dancingwithyou Fapstronaut

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    Jeez pal you really have balls. But some things are so nasty that it`s better to forget about them yourself. Cmon, it`s like you telling someone that you deep shit in your trousers mere seconds ago, WOOPS!
     
  5. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    That's good, you can share it with your close friends or maybe a professional.

    Yes, but don't go and tell it to everyone. Share it with close people.

    You never tell your weakness to your woman. Woman love strong man, letting her know your weakness is going to turn her off imidiatly.

    Yep.. sometime they freak out and sometime they are supportive, but in all cases she losses respect and attraction for his man.

    You were not cheating, the fact that is cheating to her is on her. But now that she tell you that she consider it cheating you are no longer allowed to do it if you want to be with her, that's her boundry, you can accept it or not.
    "I needed to be stronger" you confesed weakness... that's what happens, or you are strong or you are out. Woman don't want weak man, they don't respect weak man. Weak man end up in friendzone or without sex.
    In worst case scenario the get dump or cheated.

    She isn't wrong, she is trying to help you because she like you. She wants a strong man..

    never tell her your weakness again, if you have one work on it. tell it to your friends and professionals. For your woman you need to be her rock. A strong man that can handle everything, that's what keep a woman respecting you and on your team.
    Listen to all the people that tell you (a lot of them are woman) yo open up to your woman and you are going to end in a sexless relationship or getting dump.. or cheatead.
     
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  6. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    You told her something you did that hurt her - and she acted hurt. Why are you surprised.

    Based on your post and the fact you said relapse and not first disclosure I have a feeling you knew how she would react.
     
    Freedom_from_PMO likes this.
  7. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    You can unnecessary hurt your relationship with other people by that.

    I am not suprised at all. You probly mentioned too many details and made her uncomfortable.

    You really have to be careful how are you talking about this problem with other people.
     
    Oliver Gunter and TheForsakeen like this.
  8. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    Maybe your fetish is wierd, people might react in various ways to it.
     
  9. Uncle_Iroh

    Uncle_Iroh Fapstronaut

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    Hey man good for you for saying something, honesty is the best policy for this problem thrives in secrecy, but don't let your girlfriends words hurt you. Although she is technically right, she obviously has no clear understanding of the addiction recovery process. You are POWERLESS, there's no amount of power you can conjure up alone that can stop this, will power and self control are a part of recovery, but not the first part and they will not come for a looooooong time. You need to find others, community, and not NoFap, I love this place but it is only a tool of recovery, you need a steady community of people to whom you can see, hear and talk to. I suggest joining SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) and meeting up with them, you will see people who are just like you and suffer in a similar way, you will find community with them and hope for the fact that this can be overcome. They will have face to face meeetings usually oncea week if they are in your area or close, but currently msot are confined to zoom meetings and telemeetings, which are still great and eye opening.
    You cannot overcome this alone I assure you, you wil just grow angry with yourself as time goes on and you are still fighting this, which will only lead to further acting out, you need to come to believe that something more than yourself can help you towards recover. SAA literature says "God as you understand him", and this does not mean any god in the world unless you want it to. You get to choose your deinition of god, I believe that my higher power is the SAA Fellowship and my recovery programme, for if I stick to these principles and keep in contact with my fellowship, I will overcome this problem. I am an atheist there is no doubt about that, so if religious speal puts you off don't worry, you'll find many in SAA aren't religious. Just go and find somewhere to have a true community, a face to face community and I can guarantee if you jsut go in open minded and willing to recover, you will find something there that helps you.
    Good luck friend, if you ahve questions just drop me a message.
     
    primaljade, ELITE2BE and dandausa like this.
  10. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    Keep at it bro. Well done! We need more men like you in this world. Honesty is huge. Keep going. I think one thing that is helpful is explain the reasons why we struggle with porn. The things you're looking for in it. It's not a sex problem. Like for me, much of it is rooted in my insatiable desire for acceptance and being desired. I also like the "Husband Material" podcast if you need more insights.

    Sharing our porn use can be traumatizing to others and I think that's why it can be helpful to share with others. Realizing just how traumatizing it is for them when they hear that we struggle with porn. It shows the addiction for what it really is. But don't let it keep you from sharing. I, for a long time, didn't share with others because of how one of my friends reacted to someone saying they struggle with porn. But we can't be ashamed of our stories. That's just part of it and so don't live in shame. We are broken sinners who need Jesus. It might also be helpful to share with your girlfriend a book or website on porn addiction to help her understand it. Our fetishes are part of our arousal template and often they are based in other root desires, so rather than just sharing the fetish really dig deep and figure out why it's your fetish and then if you can, share that root desire or maybe trauma that was done to us which I think most people understand.

    And I agree with @Uncle_Iroh. We need people to help us, I've never been able to do this alone and I never will be able to do this alone. Nofap isn't enough, we need in real life people who can help us and we can help them.
     
    TheJetDude44 and Uncle_Iroh like this.
  11. Doc. Tinker

    Doc. Tinker Fapstronaut

    Dont say it like its a fact, I was dating the girl who knew I was pmoing for year and a half after telling her
     
  12. silentmike

    silentmike Fapstronaut

    It's better to tell the truth at the beginning than to let her find out it for herself after many years of marriage, and that what happens In many cases. Depending on the region of the world from which you write woman expect men to be more or less macho. Sometimes it's the men who thinks that being a macho is a must. That's why you might get very different answers.
     
  13. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    Every time you show weakness to a woman she is going to be a little less attracted to you. She can have enough love for you that telling her about porn is not going to make her dump you, but is going to affect negatively her love for you. Keep showing weakness to her and is a fact that she is going to dump you for a more masculine guy.
     
  14. Doc. Tinker

    Doc. Tinker Fapstronaut

    I don't really care if I get dumped over some guy who does not show weakness. I would wish them to be happy since they are both going to live in a lie. It takes some strength to show weakness and whoever does not have that strength cannot be called masculine or whatever
     
  15. RecoveringInIsolation

    RecoveringInIsolation Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunately this kind of "macho man don't show your weaknesses" nonsense is part of the reason WHY lots of young men become porn addicts. They use porn to run from their emotions and their vulnerabilities. Admitting your weaknesses and understanding your emotions isn't a bad thing, in fact every girl I've interacted with both platonically and intimately would say it is a strength.
     
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  16. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    The sad thing is that there are women who will dump you for showing vulnerability. "Do not talk about your problems" is one of the most common dating advices. If it was totally made up, people won't mention it over and over again. It might be a contoversial opinion but some of the biggest enforcers of "macho man" stereotype are women who expect that. If someone was dumoed because of sharing vulnerability, they won't open up easily the next time.
     
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  17. RecoveringInIsolation

    RecoveringInIsolation Fapstronaut

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    If someone were to dump you for showing vulnerability they would be doing you a favour.

    No "do not talk about your problems" is common dating advice for on the first couple of dates, where you are getting to know someone and they're still basically a stranger. Because sharing all your problems early is a bit offputting and oversharing. Once in a relationship it's completely different

    What most people don't seem to realise is there's a difference between saying "these are all my problems and I'm going to wallow and do nothing about them", and "I've recognised these problems and I'm actively working on them to become a better person".
     
    Roady likes this.
  18. {Ananta}

    {Ananta} Fapstronaut

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    i confessed something heavy to one of my exes we were in a serious relationship, i was deep in pmo addiction an really believed i was stuck in my fetishes an beleived my bizzare sexual fetishes were a real reality infact it was just my pmo addiction poisonings me , now that im clear an understand everything ,its good to confess things cause that builds a heathly relationship, today i dont see much to confess cause i undestand whats going on with my sexual self now ,but the girl i confessed to i swore would end out relationship, but we ended up staying together for 6 years but my pmo addiction an other addictions still messed me up, my attention went to my addiction an she felt too neglected an ignored an couldnt take the neglect any longer ,
     
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  19. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    True, but your time is wasted. I was in a relationship that ended for different reasons, it has to end, but I have lost time and a lot of nerves. There are things that you should rather never start, but you can't always know that it is not a good idea.

    I agree, but I have seen NEVER talk about your problems to a woman a lot. I agree that you should be able to be open and honest in a relationship but nowadays more and more relationships are rather short and not very deep. If you have a mindset that a relationship will fall after a year or two, then why even bother with opening. A lot less relationship advice have a goal of creating a long lasting relationship.

    Good for you then!
     
    Roady likes this.
  20. RecoveringInIsolation

    RecoveringInIsolation Fapstronaut

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    Sunk cost fallacy right here. You can't get that wasted time back either way at that point, so them leaving is doing you a favour in that moment if the relationship won't be supportive.

    Hmmm, so the advise is NEVER talk about your problems, and we're seeing relationships be shorter and less meaningful. Have you ever thought that maybe the former is CAUSING the latter? Maybe it's kind of just shitty advise that won't ever work in a serious long term loving relationship?
     

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