Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Kratos_GOW, May 14, 2019.

Do you have something in mind?

  1. Yes i have to Confess something.

    5 vote(s)
  2. No, i want to be Alone

    1 vote(s)
  1. Kratos_GOW

    Kratos_GOW Fapstronaut

    So i see a lot of people holding stuff in their minds and that kills them from the inside. I recently lost someone in my family due to the this thing. He kept to himself and one day he is gone. Just like that!
    So i am starting this thread.
    I just hope you guys can just get some form of closure of make your heart less heavy.
    Don't worry nobody is going to judge you here, we all are going through stuff. But whoever is in this community, i want you to know you are not alone.
    Just trying to help. Good luck
  2. Hero:HOPE

    Hero:HOPE Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    A God? Indeed
    But a human ? Always
    CH3RRY and Kratos_GOW like this.
  3. Kratos_GOW

    Kratos_GOW Fapstronaut

    You got that right
    CH3RRY and Hero:HOPE like this.
  4. Fuck. I need to tell somebody this thing that's been eating me up inside.

    So I, and a great many people out there it would seem, developed an unhealthy fascination with the 'teen' genre right?
    I can't be the only one given that it's now apparently THE most popular genre on the internet.

    So it all seems well and good right because the 'actresses' have to be over 18 yeah? They'd have to be on the books and provide ID and that kind of thing.
    And then I started learning, and REALLY thinking about what trafficking is; I always thought it was abduction and transportation to another country etc. I have since learned that trafficking is coercion, deception in any form in order to force someone into sex work.
    It's well known that a lot of people who get into porn 'acting' have extremely troubled pasts, a lot would be wanting to get away from their own past history of sexual abuse and end up re-traumatising themselves by running away to the only thing they know- abusive and forceful relationship dynamics.

    One night when I was struggling with this whole thing, yet still fully acting on the compulsion to visit tube sites every day (it's alright cus this video literally has 500,000 views and it has a 'legit' porn site's watermark on it,) I had this realisation.

    I used to buy cigarettes and alcohol, starting when I was 15.
    With a fake ID.
    I looked NOTHING like the dude on my ID and it said I was 24, the guy had a full beard and I couldn't even grow a moustache.

    That realisation has led me to some new lows, the guilt and anxiety and sense of futility, and it's so hard to type but other people need to read it. Even if it sees me up shit creek and fucks up my whole life, I can't bear to think that I knew this in the back of my head but continued to do it, so I want other people in recovery to read it and factor it in the next time they're thinking of relapsing.

    I bought cigarettes and booze with a fake ID; the store owners and clerks would have HAD to have known that I was not the person on the card.
    As if some certified, horrifically sadistic amateur porn producer who gets off on and runs his entire business on the principle of violating his staff gives a fuck. It's probably part of the game for them, especially the part where they offer them their first line of cocaine.

    Please, let's make sure we never go back there again. Whatever consequences we face and life circumstances yet to be revealed, let's just move forward and do away with making the vile choices that we have made, for good.
  5. I lost my virginity at 19 to an escort. I hated being a virgin and I was way too insecure to even think about getting a gf.:( If anyone asks me how I lost it, I lie and tell them I just met her at a bar. Still not a good story, but better than the truth....I guess.
  6. Kratos_GOW

    Kratos_GOW Fapstronaut

    What happened happened, past is past. You will move on. As long as you understand it was wrong you will become better
    Deleted Account and CH3RRY like this.
  7. I lost my virginity to a heroin addict who I am pretty sure was also a prostitute at the same age. Unprotected.
    came inside her.
    She propositioned me, I can see in retrospect that she was drawn to my innocence. Horrible shit man, I know the feels. So much about my sexuality I'll never get back, BUT I can acknowledge that, acknowledge the damage that has been done and make good choices regardless.

    Wow, I'd completely forgotten about that, hahah... No wonder sex makes me feel guilty and empty. Therapy's fucking great.
  8. Kratos_GOW

    Kratos_GOW Fapstronaut

    As long as you remember thats was bad and how you felt then you will never do it again good luck.
  9. Shutting Down

    Shutting Down Fapstronaut

    As long as I've been on these forums I haven't made a post, but I think I reached that point where if I don't open up at least a little there will be no chance of bettering myself left. So I will start off small:
    I desperately want someone to catch me in the act to force me to open up because I'm far too frightened to bring it up myself. As weird as it is to admit. I've had countless thoughts about trying to find an accountability partner on here but my social anxiety is through the roof and I can't even trust myself to be honest with them. It's as if I have the timeline of how I got to this point mapped out in my head but I just have no pen and paper to draw it, ya know?
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. Welcome, Shutting Down! Yeah, it's really difficult to get started posting here. I thought I'd be met with scorn and ridicule but the reality is the complete opposite. Keep reading, post when you're up to it; hopefully you'll find that once you get started it actually feels really good to be able to express all of this stuff that one has just kept inside, further fuelling the cycle of problematic behaviour. I've made a point of putting out a lot of things, a lot of experiences, that I've never shared with anyone here. That in itself it helping me map out exactly where the issues started and to find the strength to keep going. Look forward to reading more of your posts :)
    Next Level Me likes this.
  11. Shutting Down

    Shutting Down Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the welcome as well as the reassuring message, Dakshinamurti. Posting here has been relieving, even if just by a bit.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. For me, it's been a really positive experience. The relief grows as I'm able to articulate more and more of my experience. I've had a couple of private conversations about stuff that really troubled me (don't forget to follow forum etiquette though, ie, ask permission to start a dialog if you're cold messaging someone... I've had a couple of unsolicited messages straight up trying to start a convo which I've ignored so it's worth a mention :p) which has also helped. A massive confession and movement of this unspoken part of myself which has festered away and become malevolent over the years. Take care :)
    Shutting Down likes this.
  13. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    I like chubby girls with stockings.

    That's it.

Share This Page