Tomorrow I will be doing my AEMT psychomotor tests. Hopefully I will pass with no issues. I always hated the national registry tests, because they are always oriented to the technician level. Whereas AEMT and Paramedic levels are clinicians. Kind of a crazy thought that after these tests I will legally be able to administer narcotics per my local protocol. I relapsed pretty hard last night. Evidently I still have a lot of work go do. It still feels good to have made it through the AEMT course with mostly A's and a couple B's. Where I live the basic ECG interpretation course is part of the AEMT course as a whole. I passed, and am now certified to interpret 3 lead ECG's. Pretty exciting stuff. I'm gonna use these victories to boost my confidence and fuel myself towards a meaningful recovery. The fact that even though depression has been absolutely brutal recently, and all of the terrible shit that happened is a testimony to the fact that I will crush this addiction. I am way more powerful than even I know, and if I harness it towards trying to make something out of my life, I know I will end up where I need to be.
Made it 5 days, then relapsed again. I just got so unbelievably horny. TBH I'm considering locking up my laptop as it is the only thing that I relapse with. The only issue is that I have to use it for school. 5 days is better than none.
I took my National Registry test on Thursday, and got the results in. I passed both the psychomotor and the cognitive examinations! I am officially going to be certified as an Advanced EMT. I got the official results from the cognitive exam, and the unofficial results from the psychomotor from my preceptor, and once the psychomotor results are formally submitted I will earn my certification! One step closer to being a full blown paramedic! This year has been a tough one, but I want it to serve as a reminder that if I can do this then I can do anything! The next steps are going to be regaining my healthy exercising and eating habits, as well as crushing this addiction. Too long has it held power over me! See ya later addiction I got shit to do, and feeling like shit over PMO isn't on that bucket list!
Had a massive relapse. Busted 4 times in 30 min. No issues getting hard, but the increased sex drive after about a week gets me. I am going to have to take more drastic measures. To be honest this whole time, maybe I just haven't wanted success bad enough. I am going to make access to my laptop (my go to relapse device) more difficult. I have thought about getting help from friends and family, but I don't want to go through the humiliation of telling them about my struggles to stop watching porn. I am getting better, with more frequent streaks, and longer streaks. The only issue is that my relapses are getting worse. I am busting more times, and it feels like once I get started I can't stop. So I'm going to figure out a better plan to avoid it. Time to keep moving forward!
Fuck boys relapsed. Still getting better though. I am gonna log off for a while, and do the hard work.
