Made it 10 days, then relapsed due to me not remaining disciplined. I got caught up in the feeling of being horny and got lost in the sauce. Was supposed to be finishing an assignment but I told myself to take one look at pictures of attractive girls. This lead to me taking a deep dive and relapsing pretty hardcore. The next time I feel these horny thoughts coming over me I will put the computer away and go for a drive to listen to music and clear my head. This relapse is no big deal and is only a small speed bump in my grand recovery. Life goes on!
One important thing to note is that a girl I hang out with is clearly very attracted to me. Went for a drive with a group of friends. They had alcoholic beverages, but since I am focused on recovery I am keeping consumption of alcohol to a minimum. I was the DD and drove us to a beautiful mountain spot with a view. The whole way up from the back seat she could not keep her hands off me, stroking my chest, running her hands through my hair, etc. I just tried to focus on the road, but the way she was touching me was very distracting. Probably should have told her to stop, but my monkey brain wouldn't let me. we got back to her place and started watching movies as a group. I sat on a couch, and she laid down, draped her legs over me, and scooted herself so she was pretty much sitting on my lap. I didn't know what to do, so I just set my hands on her legs and kind of gave her a massage I guess. She enjoyed it so i kept doing it. every once in a while she would move and her leg would rub against my junk. I tried so hard not to get an erection lmao.
Im not sure if I want to try anything with this girl because I know she does not want a relationship. I know that she partly influenced my relapse, because I entertained thoughts of being with her in the shower today. I clearly need to be more disciplined with how I go about my home life and free time. But should I try and pursue a sexual relationship with her? I guess time will tell. A lot of my friends are telling me I should go for it. I like her, but we are just so different I don't know if it is a good idea to try. She as an attractive girl, and we get along really well when it's just joking around and having fun, but we have completely different sets of morals and our views of the world couldn't be further apart. Yet when I'm around her, her presence is almost intoxicating. The way she looks at me and the way her hand slowly drags off my back after a hug is so unbelievably powerful. I think the best course of action is to remain cool and collected and let whatever plays out happen.
