Escort challenge

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by need4realchg, Nov 14, 2019.

Are you struggling with paid-sex?

  1. Yes— and I would join the challenge/group

  2. No, but I would like to join too

  3. Yes— but not interested in a challenge or a group

Results are only viewable after voting.
  1. Veritech

    Veritech Fapstronaut

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    I am proud of you for your big win. But you used the word "instead" which appears to connote that sex with your girlfriend is less satisfying than sex with the hooker.

    It should not be tough to say no to a hooker who is only having sex with you because you pay her.

    You have a loving girlfriend who cares about you and is having sex with you because she cares about you as a human being.

    I think the ultimate goal is to hear you {and all of us say}:

    "It was wonderful to have sex with my loving girlfriend. It was easy to say no to the hooker."
     
  2. New Account

    New Account Fapstronaut

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    Just want to chime in to add my thoughts. I was a 25 year old virgin up until a few weeks ago when I wanted so badly to know what sex was like and succumbed by going to a massage parlour (an idea I had been fighting for 5 months) and had sex with a masseuse (everything protected with condom). I went to the same place again the next day and did the same thing with another masseuse. I felt terrible guilt and shame after those encounters and even though I was protected and sex workers regularly get tested more so than average person actually, my OCD made me obsess about STDs. I also felt shame because of spending so much money for short term pleasure. The sex was done with a condom (rightly so) so I actually found that I did not feel much and the blowjob felt like nothing, just a bit of pressure on my dick. It was a great experience because I finally saw a naked woman for the first time and felt a naked body and was touched intimately etc (all things I lacked before) but other than this, it was not what I thought it would be like (I thought it would be like a magical heavenly feeling when it was not). The fact that the whole thing was also a transaction made it meaningless .
    Up until now, I have not gone back to the place neither been with a sex worker. So many people feel like shit after paying for sex (at least I know I definitely do). And the knowledge of that feeling (the fact you just lost so many money on some short term pleasure and succumbed to your urges very easily) made me avert any other attempts on my part at seeing a sex worker (up until now and until so long as the future goes (at least I hope). I just thought to myself that short term pleasure you will get to experience with a sex worker can be topped by a long term pleasure you can experience without a sex worker (attained by mulling over the thought that you had strong resolve and succeeding in averting your urges and can now spend those $300 dollars on constructive things (be it books, self-improvement, How about use this money to help the unfortunate etc). It's like you are proud of yourself for not doing it and the pleasure is derived from that feeling. Also, (at least for me), I know I will feel like absolute shit after paying for sex, which at the end of the day, is opposite to pleasure. So paying for sex gives me short-term pleasure but extended melancholy after the encounter is done (guilt, shame, worry etc).

    Another thing I use is the notion that these urges are programmed in me by nature. I did not choose them. Nature placed them in me. So at the end of the day, they are all fake urges just programmed in me by some random process. Evolution placed them in us just so we could pass on our genes. Being conscious beings, we counteracted the prerogative to reproduce by using condoms. How about be even more conscious and try to just remove the the whole thing altogether (i.e the very act of sex and the urges themselves)? There is no objectivity to them. They are subjective feelings that are not real and artificially induced by the brain. It is all just some chemistry in my brain. This thought has been one I had been using to suppress my urges before I ended up succumbing and paying for sex. And, I felt terrible afterwards. I was proud pursuing my philosophy. I always liked to think it was quite enlightened and reasoned. Thinking about it gave me so much pleasure that I even felt like wanting to die a virgin many times. I should also mention I grew up extremely religious (Catholic) but became an agnostic at age of 20. I changed my philosophical views about God but my attitudes to sex (shame, denial etc) may never change due to the religious programming instilled in me. My brain (hardwired by religious upbringing) may have just subconsciously supplanted it by some other alternative secular philosophy which had the same attitude to sex as the religious values I had attained and tried to rationalize my denial about sex using something else now that I am not sure about God.

    I wanted to know what sex was like. And, at least, now I do. I hope I will now forget about such an obsession (wanting to know what sex is like) that had plagued me and took much of my time before and move on with self improvement. Perhaps, I could find a partner or get into a meaningful relationship. I could use the time and money for that purpose instead and focus on. If I cant find a gf, maybe just stay single and change the world LOL or do whatever.

    Just wanted to share my thoughts to see if I have any insights that someone could use if they are struggling with an addiction to escorts. I know it may sound weird and crazy but maybe sometimes you need a bit of delusion in your life. I mean most people on this planet worship a sky fairy lol

    Anyhow, I hope I won't pay for sex again.
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2020
  3. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

    Unfortunately, sex with a prostitute will never be the same as sex with a loving partner. You've found out what it's like to have sex with someone who is pleasing you for money. You still have loving sex to look forward to, so not all is lost!
    For that, blame Hollywood! The movies give the most unrealistic portrayal — of falling in love, of attracting a partner, of making love. They're maybe as unrealistic as porn, but in a completely different way. They make lovely romantic comedies, but terrible education!
    Work primarily on yourself, become a good and strong man (but not a bully), find and work on your passion whatever it might be, and you will end up attracting a good woman.

    Good luck, and thanks for opening up.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  4. GA93JDeereboy

    GA93JDeereboy Fapstronaut

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    Just cut it off with the escorts now, you don't want it to get worse, I wish I had done a while back, I'm now getting my life together 4.5 years later.
    Take my advice!
     
  5. ElendilThePrince

    ElendilThePrince Fapstronaut

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    Just checking in here:
    Day 10 of sobriety which is always a critical point for me. Last 10 day was relatively calm for me urge-wise. Reading a great book that helps to keep the balance in my life, and it is becoming one of those books that i think i will turn to if shit hits the fence, so to speak.
    Today was the first time i caught myself fantasising about one of my facebook friends while looking at some bikini photos about her holiday, so i decided to check in here right away.
    I don't have any extra money in my hands so escorts are out of the question... but i always wondering that this is not a real win..i mean partly it is beacuse i keep myself from porn and fantasies that are available and would provide me with an easy escape.
    But the real win would be like if i had all the money in the world and still would choose the right thing to do. That's the real win in my book (in my new fav book as well as in the book of my life haha :D ). I feel as long as i don't have to face a big decesion and don't get tempted on a serious level, im just "keeping myself on the level". I do what i can with what i can today.
    Hopefully when that decesion comes i will have enough courage and integrity to the do the right thing and say a firm 'NO' to the wrong things.

    Hope you guys having a great and sober friday! :) <3

    Peace
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2020
  6. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Thank you guys for checking in. I want to reflect on how “the war is won but the battle rages on.”

    from a historic perspective; wars are determined but the damn fighting lingers on for a short while longer. Historians often phrase this “ the tide has turned .”

    I think of WWII battle of the bulge for the western front ; or the battle of midway as the pacific front; the battle of Stalingrad for the Russian front.

    lots of examples but basically ; making a series of battle wins changes the overall outcome but not the reality that we are still in an active war zone.

    When did your “tide change”?

    obviously it can vary for each. But when I stopped believing so many lies that I had told myself about myself about my need or dependency on porn. Obviously lots of writing and sharing before that slowed my disbelief. All of it Helped bring me up and out of that stupor.

    If you use this principal (when do you stop repeating the lies to yourself) as your litmus test for a turning point — you will see that this is a key difference which makes an impáct in how we view upcoming challenges.

    instead of assuming failure we can plan victory parades.

    keep fighting bros.

    In my case, my fight is not (primarily) with women or sex clubs who sell pleasure as a commodity when I’m on business trips ; my fight is with my fear-based nature trying to hide from life’s pains using sexual (detachment or reattachment) to escape.

    The war is lost or won first in the mind and spirit, not the brain.

    I hated valentines for this reason ; reminded me temporary love is en vogue.

    Health (gym/meal planning) commitments, healthy emotional attachment, planning my time, sexual accountability —all of this has helped push me out of the gutter. I am learning to be patient with myself.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2020
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  7. Samadhi Pañña

    Samadhi Pañña Fapstronaut

    Yeah, Step 2 is about restoring back to sanity. I was talking with my sponsor, defining, sane, insane etc. Insane, he said, is doing the same thing expecting a different result. Knowing this is one thing, stopping it another. That brings me to ...

    ... so true. I can feel a restlessness within my mind, a drive for completion, a constant urge that grabs for fulfillment; food, entertainment, sex, drama, the phone ...
    The war is won when that urge, that restlessness can be acknowledged, seen, without having to react to it. Each time afresh, new. From moment to moment. Be the witnesser of one‘s thoughts.
     
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  8. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    well said.

    I am free (for now) from the sex addiction but I see I’m desperate for attention. It’s an evolving thing. I want to kill the damn thing not keep fighting each reincarnation.

    But I will expose my corrupt , desperate heart to stay safe from this. I need to overcome. this month is all about overcoming !
     
  9. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Checking in guys. Decided to find a therapist. I can’t type this without remembering the snl skit.
     
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  10. WilBil99

    WilBil99 Fapstronaut

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    Good for you @need4realchg ! Can’t hurt to have another’s perspective. You’ve made great strides without the aid of The Rapist, maybe they can shed some light on moving forward. Good luck!
     
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  11. GA93JDeereboy

    GA93JDeereboy Fapstronaut

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    Therapist is good, when I hit rock bottom that’s when I went, been doing pretty good since. That with an AP is also great!
    Hit me up if you need someone!
     
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  12. Samadhi Pañña

    Samadhi Pañña Fapstronaut

    :D TheRapist ... great. My shrink was overwhelmed with my stuff, had 4 sessions, told him about my online findom stuff I was into, the escorts and what I look for there and he kept saying that it is ok to have a submissive side ... and that I should just find a right way to deal with it. I listened and secretly hoped he would take advantage of „the situation“ and abuse me hehe. That‘s when I quit. But still I think if I found a good one I‘d give it another try.
     
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  13. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

    Well, it's OK if that is what you want and it's your nature. But if it's there as a porn-induced fetish, then no.

    May I suggest that you find a therapist who specialises in this field, or at least has some experience in it? Your therapist clearly was in over his head and should have referred you on.
     
  14. Samadhi Pañña

    Samadhi Pañña Fapstronaut

    Nature? Guess it‘s a cocktail of codependency and sex addiction. Yeah, he was clearly not at home with my stuff. Thanks for the suggestion. Makes sense.
     
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  15. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Exactly. Your experience is probably more common than you think. I have had too many therapists display their high level education and vast inability to relate in a beneficial way. It drives me nuts to know “more” as the customer.

    I have found group therapy much more supportive and therapeutic.

    I would end up blaming myself that nobody understood me. it’s like when the SO, is told that this is her fault. She knows it’s not true , but if the professional has a malformed opinion then it only creates guilt and frustration.

    It’s hard enough by to just admit we need help —- than to do the fucking job Of the therapist you pay to help you get out of the mess while you feel completely alone and helpless.

    codependency—check.
    Sex addiction—check.
    Porn addict —-check.

    finding a therapist or life coach who knows who to distinguish between the threads of these .... difficult as hell.

    I have sat with a therapist who is well renown sex therapist, psychologist and author — and he helped me very little. he did admit that this field is very murky and changes SO quickly. The escalation with online addictions makes it hard to keep up even with the latest experiments that people try.

    Csat are supposedly the best -/ I have not sat with one of those yet... kinda unicorn in my area but I am willing to drive to a major city if necessary.
     
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  16. Samadhi Pañña

    Samadhi Pañña Fapstronaut

    Besides Nofap and the meetings, honestly, is Youtube that helped me a lot. Thanks to YT I got to hear Gabor Maté for example. His understanding of addiction and his way to approach it ... great. Brené Brown on shame and vulnerability ... and many more.
    If I go to a therapist again I need someone who is not diagnosing nor making conclusions but helps me with questions to detect my blind spots. But as we all have blind spots the trouble is when the therapist and I have both the same blind spots hehe.
    Anyhow, I found out (not so big) that at the end of the day it is me who's gotta do the work, it is me who's gotta walk, one step at a time. No one else can do it for me. No therapist can bring me salvation.

    In addiction we look for stuff outside, let us not believe that help in recovery is merely out there. Outside is outside ... we will forever be caught in dependence.
     
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  17. Veritech

    Veritech Fapstronaut

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    I hate condoms (although they are a must use). There is minimal sensation.

    I cannot stand a kiss or kissing a hooker on the neck.

    I can barely look a hooker in the eye, when doing missionary or cowgirl.

    I have nothing to say when the sex is over.
     
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  18. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    interesting.

    I’m completely opposite.
    I hate the fake names that anyone in this industry— use it’s my first “question .” If you can’t tell me I go to the next.

    I flirt, compliment and tease endlessly— “I do not want to be your client , I’d like to know so Much more about you”.

    I love to look in the eyes and be looked at in the eyes. If it’s just penis exercise I’m not interested. For me it’s all emotional or nothing.

    When it’s over she is offering me her number 8/10 times.
     
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  19. Samadhi Pañña

    Samadhi Pañña Fapstronaut

    Hey, you seem to be The Hooker Whisperer hehe. If we weren‘t all in recovery you could do some workshops with us.
    But seriously, I guess they give you the number cause they felt being seen as more than just a sex provider when being with you. That‘s nice.
     
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  20. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Rofl.

    I just identify with being ignored or stigmatized by society as an addict too. I don’t let myself repeat that to anyone.

    it’s a pattern though that I want desperately to break. I am the Richard gere.
     
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