Espi1971 Goals

Goal 10. Explore moving to another city/state/country.

STATUS 12/16/2019: I am open to moving. I love where I live and I have a pretty good job, but I have no wife, children, family, or close friends; however, this also means that I am free to wander the globe, at age 48, and it actually feels exciting and powerful. I am happy; I am living life with honesty and purpose; I am currently blessed with good health; and, I have a passion for clean eating and fitness, so I feel like I have a lot to offer, and I love the thought of challenging myself, testing my comfort zone, and moving to another city/state/country. I am ready and willing to move when the right opportunity presents itself, whether it's for a job opportunity or for a potential serious relationship. I am pleasantly surprised how welcoming and optimistic I feel about this

 

Looking forward to lifting weights and doing cardio at the gym this morning.

Exercise has been a lifesaver for me. Besides keeping me healthy and fit, it alleviates anxiety and depression, and it helps me sleep well.

Eye contact and saying hello remain real challenges for me, especially at the gym.

I make it a priority to remove my headphones and never look at my phone during the weightlifting portion of my workouts. This forces me out of my comfort zone and connects me to my fellow gymgoers.

Almost every day at the gym now, I engage people in conversation. They are complete strangers, but I know a few of their names now, and a few of them know mine. This is progress. I feel like I'm starting to become a "people person":

--I've shared several conversations with a fellow gymgoer. We now know each other by 1st name. He is 47 years old, and his son is 16 years old, just got his driver's license, and wants to attend a Division II college on a baseball scholarship.

--Recently I shared eye contact and a very brief conversation with a fellow gymgoer, a tall, gorgeous, fit woman. I felt completely at ease and confident while interacting with her.

--Last week I spoke 5 minutes to a man who is 81 years old and still working out! God Bless him. He inspires me. He looks like he is in his early 60s. I look forward to seeing him around soon.

--A few weeks ago a fellow gym member assumed I worked there and asked me to advise on using the stairclimber. I could hardly believe hearing my own words: "I don't work here but I'm happy to show you how to use it." And I was happy to help!

--I've stopped ogling women. I do feel tempted at times. A few women catch my eye, but I am almost always able to easily refocus and shift my mindset back to my training, because I have my priorities, and I am not going to deviate from them, no matter what. But I do enjoy maintaining eye contact and saying hello to the beautiful women when our paths cross

 

What a day!

More car problems:

Drove to the gym, parked, but I couldn't turn the damn ignition OFF (!) (?). I immediately drove back to my apartment to cool my mind and strategize. I was going to drive the vehicle straight to the dealership, but fortunately I was able to turn the ignition off and re-start it again with no issue. Not sure what the hell happened but thank God the problem hasn't re-ocurred. Still worried though. What will I do if I am unable to turn the ignition off when it's late and the dealership's closed?

I will say that I remained cool throughout the debacle. I felt scared and angry, but I didn't panic. I repeated the Lord's Prayer and Psalm 23:4, and those prayers helped me stay calm, and I didn't worry nearly as much about the yellow check engine light!

More Money:

I received ANOTHER raise today! In the last 7 days, I've been awarded TWO raises! Effective January 1, 2020, my salary will increase by 25%, AND I'll have an additional $760.00 per month in take-home pay because my ex-wife is no longer on my health benefits. What a relief! Up until this afternoon I was very concerned about being able to pay my rent and my bills and for groceries. Now I feel like I have an opportunity to succeed again!

I feel like a revived man. I am ready for a 2-week rewarding Christmas break. Then I am ready for a rewarding and successful 2020. I feel so grateful right now. For the first time in a LONG time I am feeling optimistic and looking forward to experiencing what life has to offer.

 

Trained this morning:

Pushups

Squats and pullups (6 sets)

Pushups

Skipped the Stairmaster due to car-problem-related time limitation.

Felt tired and cranky throughout the first round of pushups and throughout the entire squat-and-pullup session. Surprisingly, though, I barreled through the final round of pushups. Solid finish.

Not my best training session, but at least I showed up and got the job done. It was a cold, rainy morning and there were only a handful of gymgoers. To me the gym felt empty and kind of depressing, but again: at least I pushed through and worked out. That's good enough for me.

 

Trained yesterday evening:

Pushups

Stairmaster

Pushups

Great workout, especially on the Stairmaster. 45 minutes long (I usually do 30 minutes) and 700+ calories burned. At the end of my Stairmaster workout I still felt like I had plenty of energy left. Lungs and legs are really starting to feel strong.

Taking today off, my last day at work before Christmas break.

 

Goal 6. Consider a 401(k) loan.

STATUS 12/20/2019: On 12/19/2019 I submitted a 401(k) loan request for the maximum amount of funds available. I received written confirmation that a "check will be mailed within two business days to [my] home address."

 

Goal 7. Make yellow check engine light dissapear.

STATUS 12/20/2019: On 12/19/2019 I took my vehicle to the dealership for diagnosis. My service technician advised, due to the holidays, that it will be several days until diagnosis is complete. The dealership provided a free loaner vehicle.

 

Checking in at 60+ days PMO, hard mode.

In the past 2 months I've pursued and accomplished more goals than I did in the past several years:

--I live life with 100% honesty; no lies, no exceptions. Ever.

--I have made friends and reconnected with family.

--I have divorced my wife after a very unhappy 6-year marraige.

--I have released my mother's remains into the Gulf of Mexico (after holding onto them for 10 years).

--I have received 2 raises and increased my salary by 25%.

--I have removed my ex-wife from my medical, vision, and dental benefits, thereby adding an additional $760.00 per month in gross income.

--I have tapered from 2 mg to .5 mg alprazolam (will be done for life on February 19, my 49th birthday).

-- I have stopped injecting testosterone cypionate.

--I have stopped smoking weed, cold turkey.

--My desire for alcohol is greatly diminished.

--I go to bed at 9 pm and wake up at 5 am, 7 days a week, without the aid of an alarm clock, feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

--I train with weights and cardio 5 times a week, with the intensity and focus of a man many years younger.

Every time I look in the mirror, I see a new man.

Today I realize that whatever fears and limitations I have are self-imposed. I can choose to envision a life of fear or a life of freedom. And today I am choosing the latter.

I feel like whatever failures and struggles I face will never outweigh the joy and energy and freedom that I feel from living anew.

I am a grateful, humbled, and happy man, full of newfound energy, joy, strength, and purpose.

 

Today I'm starting the first day of my 2-week Christmas Break, and I have a busy, challenging day ahead:

I'm rising early, driving an hour north, and spending the day in nature at a state park, for some fresh air, hiking, and mountainbiking.

I'm bringing only the essentials: backpack, water, almonds, protein bars, and an apple. I'm going to embrace the sights, smells, sounds, and the unfamiliarity of being in the woods and in nature

While I'm exploring in nature I will make minimal use of my digital device. I'm instead going to do my best to look people in the eye, smile, and acknowledge them as they pass by.

This evening I'm attending a high-school reunion with a female, a friend who is married and whom I haven't seen since June 2019. She knows all about the changes I've undertaken the past few months.

I will admit attending the reunion feels like a significant challenge. I'm looking forward to seeing my friend, but I'm not looking forward to attending the reunion. This is something that I feel like I MUST do. This is testing my comfort zone and bringing up some ugly and disturbing remembrances of my past.

I've never felt at ease interacting with people in a crowded bar drinking alcohol, and I was an unhappy outcast at my high school. I made zero friends at this school, which I attended only for a year and a half before dropping out and moving out of state.

My high school years were just a very tough, miserable, and lonely experience. So it's going to be a challenge tonight walking into this bar and interacting with strangers.

But at least I'm trying. And at least I'm attending with a friend. My goal, though is to uncling myself at times from the proximity of my friend and risk mingling with strangers. I've never liked risking rejection and engaging in smalltalk with strangers, but the reward of interacting with a pretty woman or two might be worth the risk and effort

I feel nervous just thinking about it.

Have a great day Spartans!

 

My goal for the next two weeks is to stay OUT of the gym and immerse myself IN nature every day: fresh air, hiking, mountainbiking, swimming in the Gulf of Mexico.

I want to start the new year and decade feeling healthy and looking lean, tan, and muscular.

The current water temperature in the Gulf is around 63 degrees F. Talk about your cold shower!

I'm really looking forward to it all. I'm amazed that I feel so excited about doing something so alone and so simple.

Thank you God.
Thank you friends and family.
Thank you nofap.com.

 

I learned a few things about myself yesterday:

I have a LOT a of energy:
I woke up at 4 AM yesterday, traveled 40 miles to a state park, and I hiked and mountainbiked nearly non-stop, at high intensity, from 8 am to 2 pm. After driving back home, I unloaded my bike and gear from my SUV, ate and showered, and spoke to a friend on the phone. I had very little time for couch sitting and TV watching. At 6 pm I drove across town to meet another friend, and I danced, ate, drank, and stayed out until midnight.

I feel like I am becoming a "people person":
On the hiking and mountainbike trails, I looked each person in the eye and said hello to just about everybody I passed. I detached my digital device and headphones for a majority of the time. On the trail, I met a fellow hiker, a complete stranger, and we finished the 3.4-mile hike, together, talking the whole time. My fellow hiker is from India. He has a wife and 2 children (a son and daughter, 6 and 2 years old). He works in IT and his family are still in India, and they are due back in the USA in March 2020. He's looking forward to taking them to Disney World. I enjoyed every second of my conversation with him.

I went out to a bar last night for the first time in nearly a year. Bars and crowds used to intimidate me, but last night I felt very much at ease. I had a great time catching up with a friend, whom I hadn't seen in months. I introduced myself to a few people, I laughed, and I enjoyed live music and dancing.

My desire and tolerance for alcohol are greatly diminished:
A few months ago, I could consume up to a case of alcohol in one weekend; however, over the past several weeks, I've had very little desire for it. On Friday nights I usually allow myself a few beers and maybe a shot or two, but it stops there. Last night at the bar I drank 3 high-percentage-alcohol IPAs. I hadn't drank at all the previous 8 days. This morning I woke up and feeling a bit sluggish and nauseous. I'm not sure why I continue to consume alcohol. I fail to see any benefits whatsoever. I'm meeting a friend for lunch today, and I'm not drinking any alcohol whatsoever.

I'm still acting selfishly:
My friend whom I met at the bar last night is married. I could write a list of excuses in defense of my meeting this woman, but the facts are: I'm choosing selfishness and ego; I'm compromising my morals; and I'm compromising the sanctity of my friend's marraige. Last night, on the dance floor, I got a bit "handsy." There was no kissing, but there was too much affection, and there was flirtation.

How would I feel if I were married and my wife was dancing and hugging and flirting with another man? Have I forgotten the ugly remembrances and feelings of my past life? Will God continue to forgive me and help me trust and support and forgive others when I choose to cling to anger, ego, and insecurity?

Lies, deceit, and selfishness have no place in my newfound life of joy, energy, strength, and purpose. I will no longer
accept this behavior. No exceptions.

 

1 week into my Christmas Break:

SAT 12/21 Hillsborough River State Park
I hiked approximately 4 miles and mountainbiked at least 10 miles. Met a hiker from India and we hiked 2 miles together, talking the whole time. I had a great time in nature and exerted a lot of energy, particularly on the bike trail. I am really starting to feel like I am in great cardiovascular shape.

SUN AND MON 12/22-12/23 Indoors Stuff
Cold and rainy 2 days so I adapted and enjoyed 2 whole days doing nothing but indoors stuff: SUN met a friend for shopping and lunch; MON went to the movies and saw Richard Jewell. Afterwards I relaxed at the mall, where I participated in a pullup bar hanging contest: pay $10.00, hang on the pullup bar for 2 minutes, and win $100.00. I lasted 50 seconds. The guy against whom I competed lasted almost as long, and he appeared to be in good shape, but much younger, so I'm proud of myself, and it was a lot of fun. I was part of a constant crowd who gathered around watching men and women trying to hang from the bar for 2 minutes (90 seconds for women...nobody won). I spoke to a woman, a complete stranger, for about 30 minutes. She is from New York City. She was having a very rough day: her uncle with whom she is close is dying from lung cancer; her business, which she just started several months ago, may soon be out of business. As we went our separate ways, I wished her peace and strength and I told her I admired her toughness. I felt connected to her, and I hope she is doing well right now.

TUES 12/24/2019 Alafia State Park
THE place for mountainbiking: beginner trails, intermediate trails, and advanced trails. You know its serious when they require you to wear a bike helmet, and they list 2 local hospitals on the guide map! I explored nearly all of the trails. A few of the advanced trails I declined. They were no joke: steep declines and inclines, very narrow pathways with plenty of rocks and crazy angles, and high cliffs. I have a nasty-looking scar on my left hip from my first (and only) major wipeout, but I kept going, and I finished the advanced trail. I met a really cool guy who kind of took me under his wing. When I wiped out he was there waiting for me, and I appreciated his looking out for me. By early afternoon I was absolutely exhausted from trailriding, and my bike was mired in mud. The next day I discovered my rear tire was flat, and today I took my bike in for new tires and was advised that I broke a spoke and I that I needed a new chain and derailer. Cost me $350.00 and I am 100% proud to have to pay for it. Well earned!

WEDS 12/25/2019 Clearwater Beach
My original plan was to park in downtown Clearwater then mountainbike the remaining 5 miles or so to world famous Clearwater Beach, which would require my spanning the (huge and steep) Memorial Bridge. However, after I parked in Clearwater, I noticed my bike's rear tire was flat, so instead I drove over to Clearwater Beach, which was a blessing, because I was pretty tired from the previous day's trailriding. I spent a few hours laying on the beach, and for the first time ever I feel asleep on the beach! I got a killer tan from a day of suntanning and walking along the beach. It was quite crowded, but there were very few people swimming in the Gulf, at which water temperatures were 60 degrees F. I've been taking cold showers for the past few months, so several times I immersed my head and body into the cold Gulf waters, and I felt rejuvenated every time, and the looks that I got from my fellow beachgoers were priceless!

THURS 12/26/2019 Starkey Wilderness Park
First time here and I enjoyed testing the new components on my mountainbike. Plenty of off-road trails but I declined shortly after enountering mud and water. Just wasn't in the mood for it. So I biked about 15 miles via the paved trail and enjoyed every second of it. Exerted a great amount of energy and intensity and enjoyed seeing all kinds of folks exploring the trail. I'll definitely come back here for off-road biking. I could make a day of it.

 

Feeling a bit anxious and depressed right now.

Worry #1:

I still haven't received a check for my 401(k) loan. It's been eight days and I paid an extra $20.00 to have the funds expedited. I expected to have the money by now. What's the holdup! I'm worried that the bank either forgot to send the money, or is perhaps purposely denying the funds. ACTION STEP: After I train at the gym and check my mailbox, I'll call to confirm that the check has been issued. I will be 100% respectful, honest, and patient, and I will call with the expectation and faith that the bank representative will help and provide the information I seek. I will remind myself that this not the end of the world! Things will get better soon. I have a good job and my raise takes effect in 5 days And I'll have an extra $760.00 per month from my revised healthcare contributions. Hopefully I'll feel better after calling the bank today, but it would be great if I received the check today. But at least knowing WHEN I will receive the money will be good enough.

Worry #2:

My vehicle has been officially diagnosed, and I advised the dealership to proceed with repairs on the 3 major problems that require fixing, and it's going to cost me $1255.00 to fix, plus 6% sales tax. I have $1465.00 in the bank right now, and I have 6 cans of tuna, several bags of rice and almonds, oatmeal, a little bit of milk, and about 4 dozen eggs left to eat. I'm worried that the dealership is going to find a way to advise extra repair charges, and that I will not be able to retrieve my vehicle. I am also worried that even if I am able to pay for the repairs today and retrieve my vehicle that I won't be able to eat or do anything because I may have no money until next pay period (mid-January). ACTION STEP: At this point, thete's no certifiable reason to believe that I won't have enough to pay for the repairs, and it's going to feel AWESOME not seeing that yellow check engine light illumunated! Another goal accomplished! Even in a worst-case scenario, in which I can't pay for the all repairs today, I can pay for almost all of them, and I can return the loaner and mountainbike my way around until I can pay for the repairs. I live very close to my work and gym, so I'll be OK. Worst case scenario: I can ask my friends for food (LOL this is sad but kind of funny, and it feels good to embrace the funny side of this!). I have a few beers and a little liquor left, too, so I can always drink tonight.

 

Going to the gym now. Exercise always helps me alleviate anxiety and depression, but having just written down my worries has already helped.

 

Matthew 6:25-34

 

Trained this afternoon:

Foam roller:
Neck, back, glutes, hamstrings, calves, quads, hips, shoulders. Watched instructional videos, and for the first time I used a lacrosse ball for shoulders.

Pushups

Back workout:
x4 giant sets: bentover DB bench rows; seated cable rows; shrugs; pulldowns.

Stairmaster:
30 minutes
475 calories burned

Pushups

 

I received my 401(k) check! It was actually delivered last week. My apartment complex has a kiosk system, from which packages are delivered, and for which I never set up an account.

I'm not proud about taking from savings, but I am happy and relieved. Now I have enough money to repair my car, buy groceries, get my own auto insurance, stay slightly ahead on my rent and bills, and replace the tires on my mountainbike.

 

Goal 5. Stop taking alprazolam (for life). STATUS 12/27/2019: I will start the final tapering phase at 11:59 PM EST 12/31/2019. I will not take alprazolam on New Year's Eve, come hell or high water. Even if I don't sleep well. And, I will be done taking alprazolam for life by February 19, 2020 (my 49th birthday).

MON 12/30/2019 9 pm .5 MG alprazolam before bed.

TUES 12/31/2019 NO ALPRAZOLAM before bed.

WEDS 1/1/2020 9 pm .5 MG alprazolam before bed.

THUR 1/2/2020 NO ALPRAZOLAM before bed.

Etc.

 

Goal 6. Consider a 401(k) loan. STATUS 12/27/2019: At approximately 7:30 PM EST this evening, I retreived the check for my 401(k) loan. I will deposit the check tomorrow and then carefully consider how I wish to appropriate the funds.

 

Goal 7. Make yellow check engine light dissapear. STATUS 12/27/2019: The dealership advised that the check engine light warning is due to an internally shorted pressure sensor. Also, the vehicle's ignition switch is internally shorted as well, which is why I couldn't switch off the vehicle! Also, the dealership advised that my vehicle's rear passenger side tire is punctured from a nail and needs to be replaced. Total amount for these repairs: $1255.00. This is the price of driving around in an older "luxury vehicle" I guess In the meantime, since 12/19/19, I've been enjoying my vacation, driving around in a beautiful brand new loaner (courtesy of the dealership), and, since the repairs won't likely be completed until 1/2/2020, I will have another 4-5 days to enjoy the loaner! Despite the expense, it feels good that I am taking the necessary steps to finally accomplish this goal!