Espi1971 Goals

Dating Hopper is heating up again. The past week or so I've just let things go. I pretty much stopped visiting the dating site. I still check my emails for alerts but I don't feel nearly as OCD about it. My attitude lately is, "If I meet a woman, great, but I'm done with forcing things. If they can't handle or appreciate me, oh well."

But I'm 100% confident that I'm going to meet a woman of strength, character, and beauty, and I won't settle.

Missouri Girl: Not 100% convinced that she'll be my next GF but I'm intrigued. Tall (5'9"), smart, humble. Very outgoing. Has a nice voice. Accountant. We talked on the phone and she conveyed the importance of faith/belief in God. I was 100% honest and conveyed my own beliefs, i.e. that I'm not 100% convinced that God exists, etc. She seemed to accept that.

Date set for SAT 11 am at Starbucks.

Russia Girl: So far, of all the women I've connected with via online dating (and there have been hundreds of them over the years), this is one I feel very deeply connected to. She is originally from southern Russia but has lived in the states for awhile. Widowed. 19-year-old daughter. She is very close to family. She lived in California before moving to Florida. She has a very interesting career background. Lookswise she is not as beautiful as some Russian women (solid "7" though), but she is the most sensitive and humble Russian woman I've ever spoken to. Petite (5'2") but loves to wear high heels (I am 6'2"). Dark skin, hair, and eyes. We have not met but we talked via the phone last night about what we value in a relationship and it seems like we're almost on the same exact level. Bonus: she initiated contact with me when I first joined the online dating site last month, but I never responded. To my surprise she again reached out to me yesterday. So I like that she persisted in reaching out to me. I sense an extremely sensitive and nurturing side to this woman, and I sense that I can appreciate those qualities and connect with her on a very masculine and confident and loving and sexual level. Though I've yet to meet her, I am sexually drawn to her, and at the risk of sounding arrogant, and crazy, I think there's some serious potential here for a fulfilling emotional and physical bond. We'll just have to see how it goes though.

Date set for tomorrow evening at 6:30 PM (Valentine's Day, which is a day I swore I wouldn't date on). Good vibes.

 

121 days hardmode

Things seem to be going well lately.

Life is always far from perfect, and still I'm up and down emotionally, but the past few days I've had prolonged, acute feelings of inner peace, gratitude, and confidence. If I could feel like this all the time I actually wouldn't mind living forever.

Exercising with renewed focus and intensity. I'm getting leaner. Lots of cardio and minimal reward meals and drinking. No temptations to reinject testosterone. Haven't injected it since December 1, 2019, though I do have it on hand. I'm not ready to throw it down the toilet just yet because I may end up using it again.

Eating clean and minimally, although I have been drinking recently. 3-4 beers per night this weekend, along with a few shots of my favorite liqour. Not the best choice, but I'm not that dissapointed either. My desire and tolerance for alcohol has greatly diminished the past 4 months.

Dating hopper is as full as I want it to be right now. There have been many emotional triumphs and dissapointments, but overall I'm really enjoying putting myself out there and meeting women. I realize that in many ways my life is so different now. I'm 100% honest about everything, so the words just come out. I never really have to think about what I'm going to say. I speak from the heart, which frees my mind and allows me to enjoy and connect with people through conversations. That's new to me, and I realize that women either really like it, or they choose to move on, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have nothing to hide or prove to anybody, and the emotional reward for that is priceless.

Sleeping well, though not the best, and I have only 3 more days left until I quit alprazolam for life. This has been a long-term process: 16-weeks of tapering, and as I near the completion of this goal, I'm realizing that I am going to miss the aid and comfort of this drug. I've used alprazolam for years, and even though I have weaned myself off of it the past 4 months, I'm still not 100% confident that I'm truly ready and willing to quit, so I am really going to have to buckle down and accept whatever may come. One thing I know for sure: the mind and body are incredibly strong and resilient, and I will eventually be able to sleep without it. When the demand for sleep becomes great enough, I will sleep. But one thing for sure: I am definitely NOT going back on this drug. I'll be done for life starting 2/19/2020. What a great way to start my 49th year of life. Better late than never right?

 

Daisy Girl: Forbidden fruit date. She's married. I had a great time with her. Felt 100% comfortable, relaxed, and happy the whole time. Best date I've been on in a long time. She looked fantastic. 8 on the looks scale. Impeccable style. High sexual tension interspersed with flirtatious banner and engaging conversation. I have no idea if I will see her again. Bonus: she paid for lunch while I went to the bathroom.

Missouri Girl, out. She cancelled our SAT date and even though she did counteroffer with SUN, I declined. She then asked about my availability next week, and I asked if I could get back to her. She said OK, but I do not plan on getting back to her. "Umatched" her via the online dating site and deleted texts and phone history. Will reciprocate only if she reaches back out and pursues me. Not that dissapointed.

Russia Girl, out. Great date. She showed up looking fantastic, albeit more in style than in beauty. 7.5 in looks and I liked her, too. Had a nice drinkdate and appetizers. But I suspect I was too candid for her. She knows I lied and cheated on second wife, and she also knows I dated married Daisy girl earlier that day. I walked her to her car and I don't recall her asking me to call her, etc. Big red flag there. Texted her the day after, wishing her a good flight to Los Angeles, and her response was bland: "Thank you!" So I deleted her number, call history, and texts, and I "unmatched" her via the online dating site. If she reaches out to me I'll reciprocate. But I'm 99.9% convinced that this one is done. I'm not pursuing her any further. Pretty bummed but I'll be OK. $60.00 with tip, 3 drinks and 2 appetizers.

Queens Girl, out. I love women with NYC accents, even if they're not the prettiest or most slender. Talked to this woman on THURS night and we agreed to meet for lunch SAT 1 pm. I was really looking forward to meeting this woman. I knew, based on her photos, that she was definitely NOT slender and not that attractive overall, but she did appear curvy, particularly in the chest, and she had plenty of thick wavy brown hair, so I was interested. The minute I met her, however, I was very dissapointed, lookswise. Definitely not my type, at all. I thought about ending the date right then and there, but I decided to have lunch with her anyway. Maybe I could learn about her and from her. She is a great girl, but I I was more focused on devouring my burger and fries and soda. Neither of us drank alcohol, so at least it was a cheap date ($33.00 with tip). But immediately after I walked her to her car and said goodbye (she asked me to call her), I felt an acute sense of depression and loneliness. I met this woman in a shopping center where my ex-wife and I liked to visit, and I thought about calling my ex-wife and inviting myself over to her house to watch movies together, but at least I was strong enough to forgo calling her. I instead drove home, and spent the rest of a very beautiful Saturday afternoon and evening feeling somewhat depressed, watching TV.

Over Achiever Girl. leading the pack now. Gorgeous, blonde, nice enough body, beautiful face (smile and eyes) very successful, likes to work out, competitive. Overall looks are 7.0-8.0. Haven't met her in person yet. Phone calls (2) and lots of texting. She is 10 years younger. She has intiated all texting thus far. Has 2 young sons. Lives a bit south of me (30-60 miles), so travel could be an issue. The distance concerns me only because of my vehicle's check engine light. But I regard this as the price I have to pay to be with a woman of exceptional strength, character, and beauty, and this woman appears to have all 3, especially the latter 2. Date set in her town on WEDS at 8 pm. Not 100% sure it will happen though. She leaves for NYC today and returns WEDS at 2 pm ish. So she has energy for sure. I'm also concerned that I'm trying too hard. We will see. May hit the jackpot on this one. Or things may simply fizzle out and she will go ghost. It happens all the time.

Turkey Girl: Lukewarm about this one but we set a date this afternoon at 1 pm. Spoke to her on the phone yesterday and there was a language barrier. Communication was strained at times. A minute into our conversation I advised that I was hanging up and calling right back, because there seemed to be a bad connection and that I couldn't understand her. I was actually ready to end the conversation for good if it continued after my calling her back, but amazingly the connection improved and she sounded much better on the second conversation. She is a nurse and that appeals to me, but she also lives far, 50-60 miles away in a town that I have no interest in visiting or being a part of. To her credit, she intends to move soon. She did agree to meet me halfway today, for coffee, so what the heck: I'll go and meet her. I don't expect much, but you never know, right? Plus, we are meeting at the mall, one of my favorite places, so at least it gives me a reason to leave the house. And I can hone my honesty/conversation skills. I feel like I have nothing to lose by meeting her. Based on her photos I would rank her as a 7 at best.

Mary: Short and petite. 2 heads-up photos only on her profile, but it appears to me that she's thin and curvey enough and very gorgeous. Enough for me to want to explore further. And I like how she describes her ideal man. Phone conversation set for 6 pm tonight. 2 kids. Distance challenge as well, though. 30-50 miles away.

 

Trained yesterday:

Pushups
Reverse crunches
Will I ever be able to do these the right way? I need to continue doing these at a slower pace, paying closer attention to form, feeling the burn, and watching youtube videos, etc.

Squats and pullups superset, 4 sets.
Usually I do six supersets but I stopped after the 4th. Felt like I pinched a nerve in the left side of my rear neck, and the discomfort and pressure span from the left rhomboid area to the bottom of my rear head area. This is the second time I've felt this, both times resulting from the squats and pullups. I suspect it's from the pullups. Gonna take it easy the next few days. Still feeling it in my head neck and shoulders today, like I have a "crick" in my neck, and, my legs and glutes are feeling pretty sore, too.

Pushups
Jumpropes
I used the gym-sponsored lightweight speed rope instead of my own usual heavier weighted rope, and I absolutely blazed through 500 reps, quickly, though intensely (was sweating profusely). Felt like I could have done 500 additional reps easily. I'm gonna forgo the Stairmaster and go back to jumpropes as my cardio. I love the intensity and sweat that I get from JR'ing. Feels like I'm burning a ton of calories, too.

 

122 days hardmode

This weekend I drank too much alcohol and indulged in too much junk food. This will not help me feel or look my best.

Urges are intense.

Feeling tired and sore.

 

123 days hardmode

Struggling this morning with depression.

Almost every morning I feel depressed in the moments before I start getting ready for work.

My mind is flooded with feelings of loathing, dread, worthlessness. I turn 49 tomorrow and I question my value, my worthiness...is the struggle worth it?

Dating game is so up and down and uncertain. I realize I'm looking for a woman to take away my depression, fill my life with purpose. I might have to stop dating and focus on me. And that is going to be a challenge.

Gonna get up from bed now and go to work and do my best.

 

Not a bad day once I got into the office.

Trained this evening:

Back workout, 4 giant sets, no-to-minimal rest between exercises:
Bentover DB bench press lat raises
Shrugs
Machine cable row
Lat pulldowns

Pushups 200
Jumpropes 1000
TRX pushups 30
Reverse crunches 50

Fantastic workout. Intense, focused, sweat. No headphones. Gym was kind of crowded but I deftly and humbly, worked my way around people. Really enjoying my evening workouts.

 

Goal 5. Stop taking alprazolam (for life). STATUS 2/18/2020: Last night taking alprazolam! At approximately 9:00 PM I took a 5 mg. tablet of Valium, and assuming I wake up in the middle of the night, I will take my final .25 mg aprazolam dose...for life.

I have 12 5 mg..Valium tablets remaining, and I will take it only as a last resort: panic or severe depression only. Sleeplessness is not an option.

I'm scared of quitting, but I have to do this, and now I am actually doing this.

 

125 days hardmode

Didn't sleep too well last night, which I expected. No valium or alparazolam.

Didn't train today. Feeling depressed and tired, and a bit nervous about re-connecting tonight via the telephone with my younger sister, to whom I haven't spoken in nearly 6 years. Still thinking about skipping out on the conversation.

 

126 days hardmode

First night's sleep with no alprazolam or Valium. Last night I went to bed at 8 PM feeling depressed and exhausted, and I woke up at least once (12:30 AM), but I re-awoke this morning at 5 AM feeling alert and refreshed.

Spoke to my younger sister last night for the first time in 6 years. I feel like I'm starting to get family back in my life. I've now spoken to both of my sisters recently, both for the first time in nearly 6 years.

I need to train at the gym this evening. It's Friday, and I'm tired, and I just want to end the workweek and go home and drink some beers, have a few shots, and talk on the telephone with a beautiful woman or two. But this is a day that I will prove to myself that I am a Spartan. I'm going to train hard this evening. Weights and cardio. Lots of sweat. Alcohol and women will have to wait.

 

Trained WEDS 2/19/2020

4 sets, minimal rest between sets and exercises:
DB Incline Press
Skullcrushers
Pushups

Jumpropes (1000)
Reverse crunches (100) finally felt like I was starting to get a nice rhythm going, but I still need to work on my form, and I still need to focus on the quality of each rep, feeling the burn, rather than trying to crank out a bunch of reps.

Overall fantastic workout. Intense. Focused. Lots of sweat. Very little eye contact with fellow gym members, but no headphones, and I was willing to work my way around people and forgive those who encroached my space.

Midsection is looking lean and more defined. Diet is really dialed in now: minimal calories from nutrient-dense proteins and carbs. Jumpropes seem to be melting off those extra few pounds of excess weight. I want a leaner, more chiseled physique, but so far I am pretty happy with the results. I trained hard, on my birthday, and I'm not looking too shabby for a 49 year old. No testosterone, either.

 

127 days hardmode

Trained last night:

4 sets, shoulders, minimal rest between exercises:
OH DB press
Side lat raises
Pushups (50)
Upright rows
*Was sweating profusely after the 3rd set.

3 sets, Farmer's Carry, 50-lb. DBs

Jumpropes (500)
Reverse crunches (100)
Jumpropes (500)
Reverse crunches (50)

I think I'm starting to "get" reverse crunches. I'm finding a rhythm that seens to be inflicting the burn on every rep.

Another fantastic workout. Feels like this is an area in which I'm doing very well right now. With work and women, I feel like I'm struggling. But with fitness and nutrition, I feel like I'm crushing it. Looking forward to more exercise this weekend. I have only 1 date scheduled this weekend, 5 pm this evening (6), so maybe I'll rack my bike and get some miles in before meeting her.

 

Dating thoughts:

Feels like a whirlwind right now. Many women have come and gone over the past month. Lots of email connections, some of which escalated to phone conversations, and a few which escalated further to meetups. Kissed very few. No sex, of course. Only 1 second-date woman, in whom I wasn't very interested, but liked (Buffalo Girl).

I'm convinced that my being 100% honest is pulling women away from me. The woman who wins my heart will either accept me for who I am (i.e. my past) or she won't ask questions. I'm not compromising on this. When they ask, I will answer truthfully, no lies, no exceptions. Ever.

I can slow the courtship pace. I tend to invite women to chat with me via the telephone after only 1 or 2 email volleys on the online dating site; also, I tend to invite women to meet me for drink(s) on the first telephone conversation. I'm not sure I will ever choose to engage in prolonged emails/telephone conversations. I'm not looking for a text or phone pal. But I am open to slowing the pace of things. A worthy enough woman will make me want to pursue her.

I've been separated nearly 1 and half years; officially divorced nearly 3 months; and dating for about 5 weeks.

I think it's a good thing to be putting myself out there right now. I'm practicing honesty, patience, resilence, and acceptance (toward myself and others).

Even though I've had failures, I feel like I'm meeting a lot of women, especially over the past few days, and I have a gut feeling that maybe one or two of them will be reaching out to me this weekend (I could be wrong about this, but thst doesn't matter; it's my believing it that matters). I feel my confidence building. Physically I've never been more confident, and I look forward to breaking out my tight polo shirts in the coming days LOL.

 

Drink date set for this evening.

Maine Girl. Intrigued by this one. 6.5 based on photos, but I feel glimpses of physical attraction, and I will admit that I am particularly attracted to her big chest, but we also talked for 50 minutes on the telephone last night, and I enjoyed the conversation, though I was pretty buzzed from drinking. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house this afternoon and seeing what happens. Maybe I'll activate my new credit card. Place I'm meeting her is pricey. Per her text, she wants to meet "for drinks." That's a good sign, in my opinion.

Clothing: Sky blue Psycho Bunny knit polo; dark blue Hugo Boss jeans; black belt; black Calvin Klien loafers; Tommy Bahama leather jacket (weather pending).

Completely open to a night of adventure with this woman. My gut tells me that I have a low percentage chance of "getting lucky," but of course I'll be content with just an evening out. Hope for the best; expect the worst. She's an elementary school teacher, and you just never know...

 

Date set for 12:30 FRI 2/28.

Picking her up at her house for a lunch date.

J Girl. This is the woman who cancelled on me on January 12th. We share a long-term, special connection: I have known her since 2014; we've had sex several times; I have ghosted her several times; I had several affairs with her during my marraige, and she knew that I was married. She also knows that I have changed my life over the past 4 months: no lies, no PMO, no weed, no alprazolam. I have not seen her since February 2019, when she drove to my place for an overnighter (her suggestion).

In my opinion she is stunningly beautiful. Older than my 49 years, perhaps considerably, but she is a stunner: big fluffy "80s" hair, which is always meticulously styled.

Her body is just absolutely sick: lean build, very big chest. Lots of makeup and maintenance, head to toe. Sexy nails. She likes glitter, the remants of which were everywhere after a few particularly steamy dates: on my clothes, on my skin, on my car seats. She wears terrific outfits. That voice. That spunk.

I identify and embrace an animalistic, bad boy side when I think about her, and when I'm with her, I feel like I have to control those visceral, primitive cravings.

She has 3 grown sons, and I once asked if her sons' friends ever tried hitting on her; she laughed and said, "All the time."

I absolutely love the way that she flirts with me. She can be very subtle and extremely sexual about it, especially when I am least expecting it.

And I love the way that she kisses me. With DESIRE.

Her work colleague inscribed on the reverse side of her name tag, "Dolly Parton lookalike," and I love that she's OK with that, that she can laugh it off.

She dismisses compliments about her body and her exceptional beauty. She pretends that she is not that pretty, while wearing killer-sexy-revealing tops (like the day we spent together while she was having her car repaired).

However, I remain very cautious. Trying to get her out on a date has been challenging. Multiple times she's accepted my date invites, only to cancel, almost always on the day of the date.

As much as I hate to admit it, I feel emotionally crushed when she cancels. I feel big highs leading up to dates, and big lows when she cancels.

The last time she cancelled on me, in January, I deleted her number, texts, and call history. I was done with her, but on 2/19/20 (my birthday), she texted me, and she included a little GIF image that was super-subtle-sexy-hot, and I was immediately drawn to her again, this time more intensely than ever.

But if she cancels Friday, I will never speak to her again, and this time I will block her number so that she will never text or call me again. Because I do not want to re-experience such highs and lows.

This time, to get her out on a date with me, I did my homework, thought about her passions, and I know she loves horses, so I'm taking her to a horse show, and I made reservations for it, and I texted her the reservations.

I also went all out: I told her I'm "really hot" for her, and, after the horse show, I invited her back to my place to watch a movie and spend the night together.

She didn't accept my overnighter invite, but I can tell that she's thinking about it, and I love the sexual tension. The anticipation.

I love my brazen, sexual pursuit of this woman.

But I'm also a little scared. Due to my past PMO'ing, drinking, and drugging, I've never been able to make love to this woman in the way that I truly desire, in the way that she deserves, in the way other men...could. I'll be nearly 130+ days PMO free on FRI, and though I'm having frequent and intense erections, I still feel like I might "flatline" if I get her in my bed again. We shall see. I am definitely willing to try!

So I have another shot at this woman, and this time I am as ready as a man can be: superfit, horny as hell, 4 months sexually abstained, and nearly 100% sober.
Of all the women I have chased, and sexually desire, this one is tops in my book. There's nobody better with whom to end my abstention.

Could be a life-changer on FRI.

Or, she might again cancel.

Who knows?

Either way, I'm moving forward, with or without her.

 

128 days hardmode

Had a wet dream! At 49 years old!

 

Trained yesterday afternoon:

Rode my mountainbike to a nearby neighborhood park with a full basketball court:

Running (NOT sprinting). Ran 10 times up and down the full court. Moderate pace and even rested for a few seconds at each end of the court. Glad I didn't go all-out. My hams were starting to pull, and this morning my shins are sore LOL Running demands so much but in return it offers great rewards. So I will keep doing this.

Pushups (2 x 100)

Reverse crunches (150 total) making progress on these but my form still needs work. But I do feel like I'm "getting" it.

Beneath-the-rim putbacks (2 x 5 minutes) really didn't put much effort or time into this. Very nitty-gritty stuff. Extremely, physically demanding on the lungs and body. I haven't played basketball in many years so my shooting and rebounding are way off. I looked really clumsy and awkward. I will keep doing this though. Because it's hard-ass work.

Jumpropes (1x 500)

Felt rather sluggish throughout the training and I had to force myself to keep going at times. Definitely not the most intense workout, and the weather was cooler than I preferred, but at least I got outdoors and trained.

Amazes me how I think I'm in such great shape, only to be humbled by a little bit of running and jumping. I'll keep visiting this park and working out here, especially on the running and putbacks. Such a great workout venue.

 

Dating hopper heating up yet again. Seems to come and go in cycles. So fleeting and unpredictable, but finally, after 5 1/2 weeks into dating, I feel like I'm making progress and connecting strongly with a few different women.

Listed below are the ones I'm most interested in:

1. J-Girl. Tops on the list. First dibs. But it's a long time until FRI, and she might cancel. Either way, I know where I'll stand with her by 2/28. Dating other women is keeping my OCD in check.

2. Maine Girl: Met for drinks yesterday evening. Traffic was hell. Fvucking traffic jam/heavy traffic on a Saturday afternoon. I really struggled to keep my temper in check. Anyway, the trip and the tab ($54.00 with tip) were well worth it. The restaurant was crowded but she texted me a heads-up that she arrived early and was waiting outside the restaurant, so I asked her to secure seats at the bar/a table, which she managed to do. After enduring near nightmarish traffic the last fvucking thing I wanted to do was wait in line just to have a few drinks.

When I greeted her I noticed that she looked even better than her photos. A solid "7," and I had to keep my gaze at eye level because her chest was enormous, and she was wearing a sweater that wasn't even particularly tight or revealing. Skinny/thin/curvy build everywhere else, and if she were to dress more seductively, she could potentially transform to an "8." Voice is very high-pitched and feminine. So I am very physically attracted to this woman.

Over drinks and appetizers we had great conversation and shared fliratious, sexual energy. Lots of laughing and nervousness, moreso on her part than mine it seemed. I several times noticed that during our date she licked her lips and exposed her tongue, which I considered an inadvertent form of flirtation, though I could be wrong.

The best part was the end. FINALLY I got a nice passionate kiss! I walked her to her car, and as soon as I said goodbye, I knew I was going to get a good kiss. She aligned her body and face to mine and said, "You better kiss me." I was happy to oblige. 2 kisses actually, bodies touching, both kisses rather prolonged, both sensual, both which left me wanting more. She expressed interest in seeing me again. Perfect!

She texted me an hour later, thanking me for a great first date, saying she looks forward to knowing more about me. I waited an hour to text back, thanking her for meeting me and quipping that the kisses were hot.

I texted her this morning, wishing her a great day, but I have yet to hear back from her. She tends to be very minimal with texting. I was thinking of seeing her again, today, but this is where I will be disciplined and slow the pace.

We'll see where this goes. Unless she texts back or calls I'l wait until TUES night at 730 to call and invite her for Date 2, this time in my neighborhood (testing her interest to see if she will drive to me). Only negative with this woman is her lack of texting.

3. NH Girl. Texting me, calling me. 6.5.

4. GI. 18 years younger than I. Solid "9" on the looks scale. Haven't mentioned her yet but she is responding to my emails. Might get this one out on a date. She emailed me this morning, asking about my plans today.

 

Dinner date set for 7:30 tonight:

4. GI. 18 years younger than I. Solid "9" on the looks scale.

Corny eminders to self: hope for the best, expect the worst. She might just be using me for a free meal. She's 17 years younger than I. I will be 100% honest, no exceptions, no lies. This 32-year-old woman appears to be a stunner. If she's as beautiful as her photos she will easily be one of the hottest women I've ever dated. Also sounds corny but I'm activating my credit card for this date.

I'm risking losing Maine Girl. I am supposed to call her at 7:30 but after securing tonight's date with GI I asked Maine Girl to move up the conversation to 7. No lies. Be honest. Women just seem to know when they're being juggled. Hate to lose Maine Girl but nobody said it would be easy. I guess if MG is interested enough she won't ask questions. We'll see.

 

129 days hardmode

I'm starting to feel like I'm fixated on dating women, so I listed my goals below.

I have listed my goals to maintain balance. I am reminding myself that there's more to life than just dating women. I will continue pursuing my goals and accomplishing them.

STATUS OF GOALS AT 129 DAYS HARDMODE (2/24/20):

Goal 1. Continue living life with 100% honesty (this is new for me). No lies. Ever. No exceptions.

STATUS 2/24/2020. I'm pleased. This is my most important aspiration. It is my life-blood mission. I'm striving to be 100% honest and I think I'm doing really well. There have been some big tests and I feel like I've met them head-on and handled them the right way.

Goal 2. Start thinking about what I REALLY want to do with the remaining years of my life.

STATUS 2/24/2020: I have a lot of work to do. Feels like I haven't made much of a connection or effort into accomplishing this goal. Because I see fear and monotony and hard work and rejection.

I'm 48 years old and I have nothing to lose by trying.

I will explore places that are remote and "off the grid." Destinations that are not easily arrived.

I will contribute to a healthier and happier society via my passion for fitness and nutrition.

I want to undertake the challenge of the most demanding physical training and nutrition certification.

I will contribute my time and energy toward preserving nature. I see myself volunteering my time at local parks.

Goal 3. Invite supportive men and women into my life, and offer support to men and women in my life.

STATUS 1/26/2020: I'm making progress but in some ways I've taken steps backwards due to my continued embrace of my ego, anger, and insecurity. I haven't texted or chatted with my sister in a month, and I'm resenting her wanting me to travel to Ohio. Why is it that I'm always expected to visit them? Why doesn't my family ever bother coming to Florida? I feel like it's a valid question, and I may suggest our meeting mid-way (i.e. Atlanta). Respect is a two-way street. Also, a part of me really doesn't care if I never end up reconnecting with my Ohio family. l've also purposely alienated myself from a colleague whom I felt was befriending me. I do not regret this. He and I do not see things the same way when it comes to social and religious topics. On the positive side: I have developed what I consider to be a deep friendship with 2 females (strictly platonic).

"God please help me. I want family and friends in my life. I want to trust and support people, and I want people to trust and support me. Please help me be more understanding and accepting. Please help me remove my anger, insecurity, and ego. Please help me forgive myself for the pain and harm I have inflicted on others, and please help me to forgive others who have inflicted pain and harm. Thank you God. Amen."

Goal 4. Pursue a long-term relationship.

STATUS 1/26/2020: Been a rough start. Dissapointing. Unfullfilling. Yearning. Humbling. My ego and anger (i.e. misandry) and obsession have manifested. I resent what I perceive to be misandry that permeates every aspect of American culture. So far, dating honest and sober is nowhere near as fun and adventerous compared to my whoring, weed-smoking, womanzing days. I've got a lot of work to do here, but I'm convinced things could change in an instant. It just takes one beautiful woman. So I'm confident that something will happen here. I'll just keep on reviewing profiles on Match and seei where that takes me. Pursuing a woman for a meaningful relationship, without the aids of P or M or p-subs or marijuana, or lies and deceit, feels extremely challenging and hallow, but I know in my heart that it's the right way, and I have to be patient and trusting.

I was separated for 13 months prior to my divorce on December 3, 2019. I want to share my life with a woman of exceptional strength, character, and beauty. I want to take my time and really get to know her and share life with her. I feel like the most important quality that I have to offer is 100% honesty: No lies. No exceptions. Ever. I want the same quality from my partner. I will be at least 100 days PMO before I consider having sex with a woman, and I want to have sex only with the woman I intend to marry. I am 48 years old, and have no children, yet I see myself being a loving husband and father/stepfather, the protector of my family, and I want to receive and offer unconditional love and support from family. I am attracted to women between the ages of 28-50, and I am OK if the woman I love and wish to marry already has/doesn't want to have/cannot have children, as long as I feel close with, am welcomed, accepted, and respected as a loving, supportive member of her family. And I want her to have the same desire and expectation towards my family.

I am willing to go out of town/state/country to be with the love of my life, and I am pleasantly surprised how welcoming and optimistic I feel about this.

Goal 5. Stop taking alprazolam (for life).

STATUS 2/24/2020: On 2/18/2020 I took my final dose of alprazolam. Remaining vigilant. Dreams have intensified (wet dream on 2/23/20), which is a sign of recovery. Hard for me to say how, but I feel different.

Goal 6. Explore additional job opportunities.

STATUS 1/26/2020: Have made virtually no effort whatsoever toward accomplishing this goal. Lots of work to do here. Now is a great time to work on this goal: I have a job; I had a successful month; and I'm feeling unfulfilled and unappreciated at my current job. Now is the time. I have to embrace difficulty, struggle, and the challenge of it all. Depresses and scares me to consider leaving my job but I need to act on this. Now is an optimal time to explore change.

Despite my having been with the same company for almost 5 years now, and receiving 2 raises in December 2019, I continue to feel uncertain about my ability and desire to do this job, so I will continue exploring other job opportunities to alleviate stress and maximize my feeling of self-empowerment.

Goal 7. Repair vehicle.

STATUS 1/26/2020: My check engine light has periods of showing and not showing. Fuel economy seems OK. Regardless, I feel like my vehicle remains a major source of stress. I feel stressed while driving it around town, especially when the engine light illuminates, and I would never consider driving it for long distances. The vehicle just seems to demand money from me, whether it's repairing, fueling, or just maintaining. I will never buy a BMW again. I'll stick with Toyota or Ford. I have zero desire or tolerance for expensive cars and disrespectful, greedy sales reps and "service technicians." For now I'm grateful that I live within 2 miles of work and that the vehicle runs OK. For now I'll continue riding my mountainbike to work and the gym during the week. It's a helluva lot more dependable than my BMW, and I'll stay in great physical shape riding my bike

Goal 8. Update my resume with 100% honesty.

STATUS 1/26/2020: For months now I have not exerted any effort whatsoever toward this goal.

Goal 9. Finish the 100-day Spartan Challenge on nofap.com, via hard mode: no porn, no masturbation, no orgasm.

STATUS 1/26/2020: Going very well. Checked in this morning at Day 83. I haven't missed a single check-in since starting the challenge in November. I am very grateful and appreciative for the daily support and encouragement that I receive from my fellow Spartans. Throughout the day I review the thread and offer support where I can.

I will continue to seek daily support from my Spartan family, and I will continue to offer daily support to my Spartan family. For the Spartan Challenge, I will be 100 days PMO free on or around 2/14/2020. And I cannot think of a better day on which to have sex with the woman I intend to marry.

Goal 10. Explore moving to another city/state/country.

01/26/2020: I revised my online dating profile this morning, expressing my willingness to move out of town, state, or country to be with the love of my life. I have not explored any long-distance job opportinities.

I am willing to move out of town/state/country for the right job opportunity and/or to meet the love of my life, and I am pleasantly surprised how welcoming and optimistic I feel about this.

Goal 11. Visit my family members in Ohio.

STATUS 1/26/2020: I am considering revising this goal to inviting meeting my sister, halfway, in Atlanta. The last time I saw her was in 2014. My ex-wife paid to fly her and her husband down to Florida. Also, in 2014, we offered to fly-in my nephew, and he declined our offer. Connection with my brother-in-law is non-existent. I genuinely think he doesn't care about me. I also don't recall any thanks or appreciation from my sister and brother-in-law for flying them down. So I'm not feeling the love. I'm 99.9% sure I'll revise this goal to meeting them halfway.

Respect.

For the first time in 5+ years my sister invited me to visit them. I will set a date by January 31st, 2020. No excuses!

Goal 12. Continue doing what it takes to ensure that my credit is 100% clean.

STATUS 2/34/2020: Approximately 2 weeks ago I was approved for a credit card.

To accomplish this goal I will simply continue following Goal #1.

Goal 13. Assume financial responsibility for my auto insurance. STATUS 1/26/2020: I still haven't changed insurance companies, so I'm still on my wife's policy, but I have paid her monthly, on time. Once I'm financially able I'll switch over to my own policy. Hopefully I'll get a tax refund.

I will remove myself from my ex-wife's automobile insurance policy and have opened my own automobile insurance policy.

Goal 14. Increase my 401(k) contribution from 3% to 10%.

STATUS 1/26/2020: This is going to require sacrifice. Less money per paycheck but hopefully more money later. Makes sense to do this, especially because I'm due for another raise on February 22, 2020.

After year 5 with my company (February 22, 2020), I will be 100% vested. I will research how this works, and I will know about 401(k). I will then increase the contribution rate to 10% on Monday, February 24th, 2020.

Goal 15. Stop taking testosterone cypionate (for life). STATUS 1/26/2020: I've been tempted again to start injecting. I'm feeling tempted because I'm "dating," and I want to impress women with a lean, muscular "jaw-dropping" physique, which means that I am still yearning for acceptance and control. I trained today, and I've decided that my physique looks good enough, so I'm going to forgo injecting. I don't want to take any drugs whatsoever. If I can quit alpraxolam and weed, then I can also quit testosterone. I don't want to risk fvucking up my sex drive.

I haven't injected it since December 1st, 2019. I have about a month's supply remaining, and I may re-inject it, but after that supply is gone, I'm done injecting it for life.

Goal 16. Pay off my vehicle by 1/1/21. This is a lofty goal but I believe it's attainable. Remaining balance as of 1/1/2020: $8200.00. Equals $681.32 per month. This is doable. Even if I don't pay $681.00 per month I can always adjust accordingly.

STATUS 1/27/2020: On 1/24/2020 I made a loan payment of $500.00. Didn't meet my goal this month but I'm not that dissapointed either. Feels like I'm closing in on the goal of paying off my vehicle. I have no desire to finance another vehicle, nor do I need to.

Goal 17. Add non-animal protein sources to diet. I will contine adding black beans, pinto beans, and kidney beans to my daily meals. I will also research and implement more non-animal protein sources to minimize my consumption from eggs, chicken, and tuna.

STATUS 1/27/2020: I purchased 2 cannisters of organic plant protein mix and 6 cans of organic black lentils.

Goal 18. Enjoy a maximum of 2 K-Cups of coffee consumption per day, first thing in the morning only.

STATUS 1/27/2020: I deviated from this goal on Saturday 1/25/2020. I had 4 K-Cups: 2 at my apartment, 1st thing in the morning; then I consumed 2 more K-Cups that afternoon, while drinking alcohol (Bailey's) at my ex-wife's house. Could have been worse. All said: I'm 90% happy with my progress on this goal. I'm tempted almost every morning to exceed 2 K-Cups but for the most part I've resisted.

Goal 19. Enroll in a calculus course at my local community college.

STATUS 1/27/2020: I have looked online and I've yet to see a physical classroom being offered for a 48-year-old non-college student (go figure, right?!) Guess I'll have to choose to either explore enrolling in an online class or abandoning the goal. I'm gonna keep trying. I may even buy a book and learn it on my own. I'm determined.

Goal 20. Take flying lessons.

STATUS 1/27/2020 Haven't really tried. Very minimal effort. Per Internet search classes seem expensive ($150 per hour). So I'm thinking of re-inspiring my goal to perhaps taking a rock climbing class. This goal has me thinking of ways in which I can face and conquer my anxiety and my yearning for control and acceptance.

Goal 21. Buy an acoustic, right-handed guitar, re-string it, and turn it upside down, and play it like Hendrix.

STATUS 1/29/2020: Haven't taken any steps toward accomplishing this goal. 50/50 chance that I'll follow through on it.

Goal 22: Start looking at other apartments.

STATUS 1/29/2020: Haven't yet started, but I'll eventually get around to actioning this goal. My lease expires May 25, 2020, and I am very uncertain about renewing it. I suspect that I will soon re-priortize this goal at a higher number on my goals list. Who knows what will happen. Maybe I'll move in together with the woman of my dreams. I'd like that. But maybe I'll end up in a cheaper place. Or maybe I'll stay here, renting one month at a time.