Day 80 Another day, another morning wood. Started to see that I get a bit complacent with the small things in my routine, because it feels like it's going well for 80 days straight. That has always been my downfall; taking it too easy. Making my GF hypervigilant, as she thinks I will slide down. And I'm afraid that my allowance will do that, as I've only been down this path for 80 days and down the PMO path for 23 years. Still a lot of ground to cover and a lot to prove to my GF. Work-out: Went out for a long run in this heat. Felt amazing Netflix: Watched 45 minutes of Netflix. Mainly Slafende Hunde. Lying: Practicing to take personal inventory. Being transparant to my GF. Meditation: Did 25 minutes/3 sessions of meditation. Relaxation meditation, Wim Hof meditation and another relaxation meditation. PMO Study: Read other posts of partners of Fapstronauts who say that their partners get complacent and see that I'm still a long way from home. Read stories from wives who found out the porn use of their partners after 8 - 10 years of marriage. All of their husbands promised change and all of them made some streaks, but relapsed in old behavior, because they were being complacent. Needless to say that the wives divorced the husbands. Sleep: Met my girl and brought her back late. Bit anxious, as my routine comes in jeopardy. I still managed to meditate after I brought her home, and then went to bed. Slept well
Day 81 Followed my routien tightly yesterday. Had a lot of energy and a lot of self control. Did not only follow my routine, but was able to set extra steps in cleaning my house. It smells so nice and fresh now. Work-out: Did my workout and finished off with 20 push ups. Went for a long evening walk. Netflix: Watched an hour of Slafende Hunde on Netflix. Gripping series. Lying: Practiced to be as open and transparant as I could be. Informing her the whole time how I was doing. It is time that I take responsibility for my own healing. Not depend on others to do something. Meditation: Did 30 minutes/3 sessions. A relaxation meditation, a Wim Hof meditation and a focus meditation. PMO Study: Read 40 odd pages in Your Brain On Porn and understand that it is proven time and time again that abstinence is the way forward. It has shown that ED, anxiety and even depression go away when abstaining from PMO for some time. It has also been proven that a process of being free from it all can take up to 6 months of abstinence. Sleep: Followed my routine to the letter. Went to bed 22:30. Slept well
Day 55, feel ok. Bit of depression.. lack of motivation. Mental clarity seems to be getting stronger slightly.. turning off all triggers by setting filters up on your phone that stamp out inappropriate material very simple to do if you have an iPhone.. aiming for 365 days. I have watched some in the first 55 days was just curious . Nearly relapsed. Cold showers are good just not if you have sciatica like I have.
Day 82 Followed my routine tightly, but picked up my GF to go for a walk. Good walk and a good talk. I furthermore had a good relaxing day yesterday and was able to already get some meditation in at 8 AM. My eyes are opened that it is really my responsibility to do this and to not relapse. In the past my GF would be hyper vigilant, but I need to take over to own my recovery. That means that I need to create an environment where she trusts my words and actions. I made good steps and I need to continue. Work-out: Did an elaborate workout and finished off with 10 push ups. My arms were so sore. Went for a evening walk With my girl. Netflix: Watched half an hour of Slafende Hunde. Like with every (German) Crimi, the protagonist's life is always a mess. They are either divorced because of something stupid he did, or the maffia killed his family. Always predictable, but nevertheless a lot of fun. Lying: No lying today. Taking inventory of my own healing Meditation: Did 25 minutes / 2 sessions. A relaxation meditation and a boxed breathing meditation. Great to have some minutes in early. PMO Study: Read some success stories on NoFap and became inspired of the willpower and the strength of those who have succeeded. I learned it really needs to come from you for 100%. Some people on the forum are stulill doing a reboot for the benefits. Better wood, more confidence, more libido, but do they realize that this will not help them conquer their PMO demon? Sleep: Brought my GF back late. Went meditating and went straight to bed
Day 83 Morning wood is daily now and I have no trouble resisting it. Had a lovely work day yesterday and was able to take it easy. Was productive, but not too strict. Noticed that it was easier to take responsibility for my actions and to inform my GF of things she didn't even think about. I will endeavor to sustain this, as I want to carry my own responsibility. Work-out: Did an elaborate workout and finished off with 30 push ups. Wanted to go for a run, but did a run 2 days ago and still have pain in my left knee ache. Netflix: Watched 45 minutes of Netflix. Slafende Hunde. As I'm nearing the season finale, it all starts to become very interesting. However, many finales are so over the top that there is no way that a second season can even happen. Lying: It is important to stay transparant to my GF and to continue to take personal inventory. Meditation: Did 35 minutes / 3 sessions. A relaxation meditation, Wim Hof meditation and a focus meditation. Felt good after having finished it. I'm trying to get some morning meditation in, as I feel it prepares me for my workday. PMO Study: I read in Your Brain On Porn and the writer spoke about the addiction mechanism in the brain, as it is actually our brain in overdrive. Evolutionary speaking, we would be chasing good food and good sex because it was scarce. Sweet berries didn't grow on every bush, so you made sure that you took your share. As soon as you had too much, your brain would make a chemical that would resist further pleasure. In the modern world, we eat more to feel the same buzz and effectively bypass this mechanism. This starts the addiction. Also read something about rewiring the brain. Read this link for more information: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/nl/...my-brain-totally-cured-of-the-impulse-to-pmo/ Sleep: Went to bed on time, but had trouble falling asleep. Think that the Wim Hof breathing wasn't such a good idea in the evening.
Day 84 Had a lousy day yesterday. Lots of talks with the GF. Didn't take her along in my communication in something and she's very disappointed, because she thinks I'm hiding something. We spent hours looking through the browser history of my laptop and my phone and she found more seemingly small things I failed to speak with her about. The last two days in which I took charge didn't mean anything to her. Work-out: Skipped my workout, as I didn’t feel fit enough to do it. No walk as well. Netflix: Watched 45 minutes of Slafende Hunde on Netflix. Lying: I failed to stay completely transparant and failed to be completely honest when she confronted me with something. She says that it is time that she will catch me with PMO, because although it has been 84 days, the number doesn't mean anything to her. Meditation: Did 30 minutes / 3 sessions. A focus meditation, Wim Hof meditation and a relaxation meditation. Morning meditation is the best. PMO Study: I read in Your Brain On Porn. PMO makes you do crazy stuff. They did experiments where they sprayed rats with the smell of death and conditioned them to still mate with each other. It turned out that they could override this instinct of staying away from the dead, to make them still mate. Think about how we conditioned ourselves with all the crazy shit we watched. Sleep: Went to bed so late. Spoke many things through with my girl. Don't know what will happen next
Guys, I slipped up 2 days ago and my GF saw it in the browser history. I was Googling a guy's name and came on a website about college sports. After I looked through there, I clicked on women's beach volleyball. Didn't see anything, but this way of Googling is PMO finding its way back into my life. Should I reset my streak?
Day 85 Woke up with a throbbing feeling in the peen. It felt like it was on fire. I had sex with my girl yesterday and that always leaves this feeling. No urges to touch or whatsoever, but I did have a very weird (semi) sexual dream. I also dreamt about Arnold Schwarzenegger, but these two dreams were not related. Spent lots of time yesterday with my girl. She has seen certain behavior where I relax my boundaries and become defensive towards things she says to justify my behavior. According to a fellow Fapstronaut, this was fullblown addiction talk and the signs were there for a relapse waiting to happen. I need to do everything to prevent that from happening. Work-out: Took a walk in the evening and did my workout in the afternoon. Netflix: Didn't watch Netflix. Lying: My girl and I talked about my behavior and how lying about seemingly small things can set me up for big failure. It's important to set myself up for openness and realize my addiction usually still has a hold of me. I don't see it, but others do. Meditation: Did 20 minutes / 2 sessions of meditation. Session 1 was a focus meditation and session 2 was a relaxation meditation. PMO Study: Spent a lot of time with my girl. We spoke about my addictive behavior and which impact it has on her. We also spoke of the hopelessness she feels when I go on my high horse and battle her off. She put her story on NoFap and got advice from some very experienced Fapstronauts. As I put so much time and effort in my recovery, it is very difficult to see where PMO and p-subs are coming through. We agreed that I find a licensed addiction therapist and that we go into therapy together. I today will make a list of p-subs I can think of, so that I will not slide down that way again and prevent these things from happening in the future. Sleep: Went to bed. Had weird dreams
Day 86 Yesterday night led to a breaking point with my girl. She found out something that I wasn't truthful about and was afraid about telling her. That was about an ex. She was so incredibly upset and angry that she seriously wondered why she was in a relationship with me. And I couldn't answer that. I still can't, because I only seem to hurt her. Every time there is a new chapter of hurt that she swallows and deals with, but will she be really happy with me? I don't know that. We're still together, but will there be a future? We both want to continue, and I have said I will call an addiction therapist Monday to help me with my lying, but how many more moments are there to stomach? Work-out: Took a long walk in the afternoon. Skipped my workout Netflix: Finished Slafende Hunde and started the new Witcher. Lying: Described above. Don't know how to move beyond this honestly. Probably are the emotions talking, but my behavior hurts her and keeps on hurting her because I can't seem to change it. I don't lie for fun, but I lie to save from hurt/hassle. I lie unconsciously. Meditation: Did 20 minutes / 1 session. The session was a focus meditation. PMO Study: I see that the body is used to Dopamine. When you starve it from everything at the same time, it will do anything to create cravings that will lead you to consume Dopamine. That might be PMO, sugar, Netflix, whatever. You need to feel it coming. Sleep: Went to bed late because I spent time speaking things through with my girl
Day 8 I started slipping more. Was able to immediately cut off any thoughts of PMO. However, last night and today I allowed myself to touch my peen and stroke a bit, which was dangerous and borderline relapse. This has been very helpful to me: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...orn-and-masturbating-once-and-for-all.240844/ I NEED TO REMEMBER TO NOT ENTERTAIN EVEN THE SLIGHTEST THOUGHT OF LUST!
It's the grip of PMO. And if you don't set steps to stop it now, you will continue to slide. Do more routine building, more thinking and allow yourself less leeway. Block all your obvious triggers, but also block social media and all other p-subs.
Day 87 Had a great day yesterday and spoke through the steps with my girl. Went out for a small trip and enjoyed each other's company. Ordered two books on betrayal trauma: Out of the Doghouse and Worthy of her Trust. Both books are written by highly experienced professionals on Betrayal Trauma, so I'm sure that this can help me further. Next to that, I will do therapy sessions and will do an Nonviolent Communication course with my girl so that we can learn to communicate better to each other. We had sex in the evening, but didn't O. That resulted my dick being on fire when waking up this morning. Easy to bypass and to get on with my day. Work-out: Went walking with my girl. Skipped my workout Netflix: Had no time and energy to Netflix. Lying: My girl and I are communicating more openly. I try to be more upfront with things I feel and she tries to receive them without responding right away. We have said that we will do the NVC course together and I have high hopes on this. Meditation: Did 10 minutes of guide meditation. It was the meditation on Inner Joy, from the As You Are series on Spotify. PMO Study: I have read posts of very experienced (and fully recovered) Fapstronauts that speak of Betrayal Trauma. And I'm always moved by the way they write their posts. It is completely neutral and doesn't shift blame. It does not say that something is good or bad, but they observe things from their own experience. They continuously say that they hope it is easier for the person to move through something as it was for them, as it took them decades of pain and hurt to come to this point. Sleep: Went to bed late, but slept like an absolute pig. Closed my eyes at 12:15 AM and opened them at 10:30 AM
Day 88 Had a quiet day yesterday, but woke up at 10:30 AM. Lots of time to stick to my routine. I have this whiteboard where I have my daily routine and have written there anew. Next step is to put all of the times in my telephone so that I'm constantly reminded of what steps I need to take. Work-out: Did my workout in the afternoon and took a walk in the evening. Netflix: Watched an hour of the new Witcher. Lying: My girl and I spoke about the previous days and the feelings it still caused. Although we are 'good', my GF said that she sometimes still has this gnawing feeling that something is wrong. Meditation: Did 30 minutes / 2 sessions of meditation. Session 1 was a focus meditation and session 2 was a relaxation meditation. PMO Study: Read in the book Your Brain On Porn. Read the chapter where the writer gives scientific evidence for the effects of overconsumption of PMO and that it can lead to a PMO addiction. It is really an addiction, but psychiatry and naysayers say sometimes that it is not this bad, or that this apparent addiction is actually something else that you're not dealing with. Sleep: Went to bed late and overslept. 4 days in a row, I went to bed late. And apparently last night was enough to lose my daily rhythm of waking up at 7 AM.
Day 89 Woke up after a very weird sex dream. I dreamt that my aunt (whom I haven't seen in 15 years) gave me a handjob. Never been attracted to her, but suddenly my PMO brain finds it funny to throw this curveball in ny dreams. Didn't feel anything except disgust. Woke up with the usual morning wood, but not because of my dream. Work-out: Did my workout in the afternoon. Took a shorter evening walk as it was raining hard. Netflix: Watched 50 minutes of the new Witcher. That was enough. Lying: I was transparant to my girl yesterday and we were talking. Still find it hard to be completely open or to welcome her advice and not see it as her trying to convince me what she wants me to do. Meditation: Did 30 minutes / 2 sessions of meditation. Session 1 was a focus meditation and session 2 was a relaxation meditation. PMO Study: Read some other posts on NoFap. Saw that rewiring your brain, and thus recovery from the addiction is really long term. Some think they are recovered after a reboot of 90 days or after abstinence of 120, 250 or 365 days, but as long as the brain hasn't made the switch, it can still relapse. I don't feel many urges in the moment, but I think I'm in the eye of the hurricane. Being complacent will be my downfall if I don't put myself forward for the full 100%. Sleep: Went to bed nice on time and slept great. Funny thing was that I thought I was still tired, because of my late nights a few nights ago, but I totally wasn't
Day 90 The usual morning wood arrived. Realized I'm at day 90. I feel like I'm in the eye of the hurricane, in the middle of enormous shitstorms. The place were it seems quiet but really isn't. I managed to do 90 days without PMO so far, have a strict daily routine and temper my fantasies, but I see I'm far far FAR from recovered. Still need to learn a lot from my sweet GF. Work-out: Did a shorter workout as my muscles were sore. Took an evening walk. Netflix: Watched 50 minutes of the new Witcher. Think I'm going to switch. It's not triggering yet, but it's better to switch before it becomes triggering. When shows become overtly sexual, it will be too late to switch, as things will have entered my mind. Lying: Was dishonest to my girl (again). Three months ago, my friend asked me to take care of his house + cat when he would be away. As I am without job, I said yes. But I didn't tell my girl. I told her yesterday, as my friend will leave Monday and I was so scared to tell her because of the remarks she would make. She was disappointed and I should have told her earlier. These are the things that bring me on my knees eventually. Meditation: Did 30 minutes / 2 sessions of meditation. Both sessions were a focus meditation. PMO Study: I see many beginning fapstronauts struggling with urges. In me they are not so apparent anymore. I worry about the occasional sneak attack and the slippery slope that I'm on. I'm in the process of applying for therapy and am reading books that help me understand my brain on porn (book is called Your Brain On Porn) and Betrayal Trauma of my GF. These books will come today/this weekend. Sleep: Went to bed a bit later, as I was arranging a birthday surprise for my GF. She is celebrating her b-day Friday and I wanted to treat her on a weekend trip away. She knows about the trip, but she doesn't yet know where we're going
Day 91 Guess what? Morning wood. It went away after a bit. Didnt feel anything, except tiredness and that I wanted to continue to sleep. Met my GF yesterday and we didn't have sex, we cuddled and talked in bed. I like this, but I always fall asleep. Received the book Out of the Doghouse and it's for male partners of ladies with Betrayal Trauma. Will read to see how to work with it. I really worked with my communication (NVC style) and emphasized with my GF. It went really well, but I hit a wall which I couldn't pass yet. Guess I became to set on fixing things, then to emphasize and put myself second. Work-out: Skipped the workout and the walk. Cuddles with the GF Netflix: Switched to the Last Kingdom movie instead of the Witcher. Everyone looks so perfect and beautiful in the Witcher and I feel it's slightly unnerving. Lying: We spoke of my dishonesty 2 days ago. And I see that we are sometimes in loop. She confronts me about my behavior, because she needs me to taje responsibility. I eventually get pissed and start to deflect her words, because I need recognition of my feelings too. It's great to see this, as the book Nonviolent Communication (NVC) speaks exactly about working to meet different needs. Meditation: Did 10 minutes of meditation. PMO Study: Have read all the posts my GF has sent to me about struggling Fapstronauts. What do they encounter and how do they deal with it? Why do they relapse and how to they overcome that? Learn that complacency leads to relapse, as it really takes time before the brain changes back from an addict brain to a normal brain. I read about hypofrontality and that that is reduced function in the front part of the brain. It leads to increased anxiety, decreased executive function and the culprit of saying we want to do something, but not able to do it. If we abstain long enough, the function in our prefrontal cortex will come back. Sleep: Went to bed late, as I was talking to the GF. Feel tired now
Day 92 Morning wood, but it went away quickly after I woke up. Read 20 pages or so in Out of the Doghouse yesterday, a book on betrayal trauma. Was already very interesting to learn how the male and female perspective really differs from each other. As it is my GFs birthday today, I have been planning a weekend away. A friend will watch my cat when I am away. I also have some gifts for her, but don't tell her. Work-out: Did my workout yesterday and took a walk yesterday evening. Netflix: I enjoy the Last Kingdom movie. Watched 30 minutes of it yesterday. Lying: We spoke about how my GF is hurt by my words. And I try listen and accommodate her feelings. It really has to do with different ways of viewing that these things can happen Meditation: Did 30 minutes of meditation. PMO Study: Read Out of the Doghouse. The writer asks the male audience to define cheating. For us, it is usually the intentional emotional ánd physical act of seeking sex elsewhere. The view that was offered was that cheating is all intimate secrets that you don't share with your S/O. That makes PMO and lying also cheating, as you keep intimate secrets that violate the sacred trust that your GF has in you. That changes my perspective. Sleep: Went to bed on time and feel energized
