He has watched over 360 porn videos in 7 days!

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by fadedfidelity, Apr 17, 2019.

  1. I found podcasts to be helpful for me. But I was already working on getting clean and they just pushed me along. They didn’t convince me to change in the first place.

    Also I went to one psychologist that was most unhelpful so I quit. I found a therapist that I like now but it’s true he just supports what I already know.
     
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  2. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    This happens to a lot of couples. I think the biggest problem is when you don't find a therapist who specializes in PA/SA and who also understands betrayal trauma as a real condition. If they aren't trained specifically for PA/SA, or if they go along with the theory that all SO's are codependent, it can actually do more harm than good for couples in this type of situation.
     
  3. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    My biggest issue right now is that my husband hasn't started posting on NoFap, nor join a program or group here. He said he "checked it out" and that the site "looks amazing", but not sure if he has gone beyond looking at it. He also hasn't come to me to sincerely apologize or try to show me in any way he is going to try and win back my love and trust. I guess I am wanting to see true emotion from him like crying, begging, yelling, anything. But I do not think I will ever see that. He has set up web filter to start that again, but at this point that is not something for me--it is for him. And if he thinks that doing that is showing me anything, then he really doesn't understand. It's like a kid cleaning their room after weeks of asking/telling/yelling at them to do it and then the kid expecting a reward. Look what I did, ma! Pft. Congratulations on doing what is expected of you and no more.
     
  4. There’s a difference between stopping pmo because your spouse wants it and you want it.
    Idk how to implement it or reproduce it, but this is my experience...

    I never felt good about pmo do I was always trying to quit, though unsuccessfully for many years.
    My concern for my relationship came not because of anything direct from my wife because she didn’t know.
    It came because we couldn’t connect emotionally anymore and I didn’t want that.
    No threats
    No asking

    I just wanted something different and thought pmo was the culprit.
    When I stopped it didn’t fix things.
    Do I told my wife about my struggle.
    That didn’t help either
    So I got all the help I could find and addresses the underlying codependency and self-worth issues that fueled pmo.
    Things are improving a little but the best part is how I feel about myself now.
    It’s not dependent on my wife’s view.

    I think you have to heal the me before you heal the we.
    If your spouse doesn’t care enough about the relationship to work on it, I guess that’s their choice.
    But you can choose happiness either way.
     
  5. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Yes, you need to know that your pain matters to them. You need to know that they, too, don't want the damage to keep getting worse. You need them to show you that change is as important to them as much as it is to you. I understand exactly what you're saying.

    But, when you continue to see no emotion from them, as far as you can tell, nothing is different. It all looks the same as every other time they've promised to do the right things but haven't followed through (or only followed through for a brief time.) I believe that, if they finally get to a point where they are truly ready to change, permanently, you will see changes in them. You will notice the difference...in attitude, emotions, behavior, etc. It probably won't happen overnight, but it will happen. I've told my husband many times, as long as everything looks exactly the same from where I am...no emotions, no empathy, no noticeable effort towards recovery...I know that it's only a matter of time before the cycle repeats itself. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
     
  6. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Bingo. @Thor god of thunder you absolutely nailed it. Plus you describe you initially were codependent on her which means she played too large a role in how you viewed things so you had to work on yourself , by yourself. Respect !

    @fadedfidelity ,

    In my case i would give my wife access to EVERYTHING. Phone email, snail mail, Twitter, insta,Facebook, bank acct , etc. it helped for a while. BUT...

    It doesn’t fix the root just the symptom. I have been reading another so struggle that is heartbreaking @lostintx ;
    when pmo is discovered we tend to look to want to control our way “back to normal.”

    The monitoring changes the behavior not the urge.

    Bad news is :

    We have practice everyday hiding our addictions in front of you and kids but not in front of everyone. Everyday. We get good at it unfortunately. But it eats us alive. We want to share it.

    When we finally do, we realize we have no safe-space” to do so.

    The more we expose our failures , saying what we have done or our future plans—the more we hurt our loved ones.

    So we want to stop, but ...
    what makes it worse is, our women say that they want to know everything while their bodily language screams : “ I can’t take any more”.

    We hear their words and see their body Thus our choice is: hurt the woman we love with hurtful truth upon truth, or hold back and “protect them:”.

    I think many men choose to hold back for the latter reason. They act cowardly as self preservation, because they loved their wife more than the truth.

    This thing sucks.
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2019
  7. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    It's pretty heartbreaking for everyone involved. I know my SO has been seriously dreading telling me everything because he's terrified I'll leave him. I can't eat or sleep or function like a normal damn human being because of all the messed up narratives going through my head, the hypervigillance, the anxiety and the depression. It's a nightmare.

    I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. I hope your SO starts doing some true recovery work too. For the record, I was super upset with mine because I didn't feel like he was putting any work into it for the first few weeks (no meetings, not using this website and he PMOd again the day after he disclosed this addiction to me while I was busting my ass at the hospital.)

    I think that most of it came from shame and
    anxiety about being vulnerable around a bunch of strangers. He's currently going to three meetings a week and has been trying to regularly journal on here. We aren't at a place where I'm comfortable reading it yet, but I get a notification any time he opens an unrecomended website and he seems to be really trying. Kaspersky safe kids sends to be a good accountability app. We already had it for my daughter just to keep her from questionable content, so we added him on to the registration and I can even see where his phone is at any given time.

    I think it helps that our therapist is a CSAT who has been in my shoes. She's very encouraging to SO, but she doesn't put up with BS. Perhaps trying to find the right therapist might be helpful??
     
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  8. Erichpure

    Erichpure Fapstronaut

    51
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    I understand this to be a problem often. Point is that there are underlying causes that need to be processed. It needs to be worked through whatever way works for someone. If a therapist is not a fit then mot good. Anyone can take the role. But yes it needs to be someone who understands and can get there with you.
     
  9. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I agree with you here. I will tell you why when we went to therapy it didn’t seem to work for ME, but it worked perfectly for her.

    1. I had never been to a therapist before (I still laugh at that word because of the hilarious SNL Jeapordy skit). My wife worked as a psychologist before so she had a better understanding of the methodology etc.

    2. Sounds silly when I write it, but My expectations were so childish—-kinda like Charlie Brown and Lucy— where I would talk for a long while and then I’d feel better because the counselor would translate my garble into “wife-speak”—-but again, that is not really how it works.

    3. I expected the counselor to RELATE to me. This was the most frustrating part of it. I wanted the comfort of knowing “ this guy is a verified expert, and can give me a sure fire opinion on what his diagnosis showed.” Hell I spent a lot of money only to be given homework and a bunch a stuff to read?? Yeah. Not what I had in mind. I’ve said previously, porn teaches you instant gratification, and the brain screams and whines like a baby at having to focus, face challenges, admit failures, struggle to get back healthy even if the changes are designed to help you.

    4. 85% of why I went was because my wife leveraged all her emotions to get me to go, not because I wanted it for me. She honestly like many, made a implied ultimatum. I apologize as I don’t know if this is harsh, but for me anyone who uses ultimatums is a bully or manipulative no matter the issue. For me the ends would not justify the means. Because of this technique, at that point, i was not interested in being held accountable, signing some sheet, or checking in. I silently told myself i would do all of this stuff on the outside (kinda like Kim jung un with the nuclear deal), but I was going to beat this in my time, my conditions, and under my terms.

    5. I had a need to have my issues analyzed by someone with authority in naming things;—to be affirmed, by giving a “name” for this trauma; something that would help me define and confront it. I guess I wanted to have some special name to explain my irrational cycle that was customized to our situation. I expected after his analysis for him to say: buddy you have “an anti-operational-housework disorder”. Or whatever. Just something I can go attack damnit! Lol. I advocate that men want to attack something. Women probably do too; but we want to go kill it. You tell me the “thing” I gotta kill is inside me—-well, I don’t know what you are asking me to do.

    I think therapists have a tough job, some of us (male and female) expect them to be miracle workers , or modern day dr.phil and tell our SO what we have been saying “all along.” Well is that fair? Is that what the other person actually needs ? I think more questions up front would save all of use time and money to flush that out sooner rather than after multiple sessions of suspense and what sometimes feels like mediocre progress.
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2019
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  10. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I feel for you. I agree shame perpetuates the urges but so does fear. Fear can kill faith , trust, and love — if we let it.

    Honestly I am impressed by your SO. He has HUGE balls to even admit that the day after you talked, he did it ...probably because he is preparing to leave it. That decision probably caused him anxiety.
    Your emotional flare up at hearing it can cause that too.
    His fear of failing will cause anxiety. His uncertainty to meet your expectations will cause anxiety.

    His anxiety pill is still pmo.
    I know you are looking at this from the normal perspective, but his coping mechanism is not “normal” , it’s one of an addict. He needs your support more so now than before. I wish you the best.
     
  11. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Great news yesterday! My husband started 90 day reboot and joined this site! Feeling a little more hopeful now. I went from definitely leaving to maybe sticking it out a little longer. We also had a heart to heart talk last night. He took off his wedding ring, gave it to me, and said he wanted to earn it back. He was tearful and seemed remorseful and genuine. He said he was doing it for him this time. He also said that he would accept it if I wanted a divorce after all of this, as he doesn't deserve me after what he has put me through. He said he would leave if he didn't change because I didn't deserve that. I hurt me to think about it. I still love him deeply.
     
  12. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Wow. That is beautiful in a realistic , non-Disney way.

    I’m absolutely floored. In a sense he is doing what I just posted about...He is asking that you remove your expectations —not your feelings. Meaning he wants to succeed without the hype, high -stakes drama. I completely get him.

    In a year, you will look back and high five each other. In 2 you will be counseling others. Go make it happen.

    Hard Marriages can work as long as the founders work hard!
     
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  13. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    This makes sense. Any addict quitting their addiction causes stress.

    Absolutely, and it sucks. But SO's cannot feel guilty about this. It is human and healthy to express emotion. This is something us SO's struggle with. It is difficult for us to keep our emotions hidden and not show hurt, as suppressing that will cause us harm. Then, when we do show anger and tears, we have to worry about PA. Not fair. Damned if we do and damned if we don't. I mean, if your SO told you she had affairs and maxed out your credit cards by buying lingerie, lovers gifts, and hotel rooms, would you be able to control emotions and not show it? Could you talk calmly to her and logically explain things without emotion? Because that would make her feel shame and then she would cope with her anxiety by going back to shopping and affairs, right? It's a shitty situation for both PA and SO.

    Absolutely true. I wouldn't want to be in that position and I feel for PA's in this way.

    This is so important to know as a SO. PA's need to deal with and understand their anxiety in order to break the cycle. Otherwise, he will always relapse.

    Supporting someone that has caused you great pain and suffering is VERY DIFFICULT. I have to compartmentalize things for me to be able to do this. It is important for PA's to have SO's support, but they shouldn't expect it. And it is a learning process for me to be able to understand addict behavior and thinking. Thank you for your posts to help me understand this monster.
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2019
  14. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    This made me cry. I hope that is what happens!
     
  15. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Yea ma’am. You BOTH are worth it or we would not be here.

    Please don’t forget to update your story. Human lives have amazing plot twists, instead of trying to figure out the ending, take 1 day at a time.

    Btw ... I love the “earn back the ring metaphor”, It’s good he’s found a way to give you the power to pace yourselves as how you ought move forward.

    Bad expectations= anxiety.

    Yes. The SO is damned if she does and doesn’t and so it the PA. When my SO focused on self-healing, it actually helped me get examples of what I could do to pull me out of the funk.

    Would it be so bad if both people focused on self-healing for a few months? Trips to the spa, getting facials, gym membership, some new hobby? Focus on new meal routine , some spiritual focus ? You mentioned a lux hotel sans enfants... I think it would do silly but a weekend trip with the girlfriends (healthy ones) is good !
     
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  16. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    He disclosed to me regarding the day after because I asked him several days later when the last time he had acted out was. I have done my best to be honest and nonjudgemental with him. We have been working with his addictions for some time now. First it was smoking, then drinking, now this. Therapist lady says that she thinks that he has done so well with the first two because he had PMO to help with the urges. I'm hoping he does as well with this one as he has with the smoking and drinking.

    I agree with you that it is important to work on yourself. Therapist lady says that myself and my daughter should be my number one priorities right now. But knowing and doing are two very different things. It's hard to pull yourself away from the fear and just focus inward.

    @fadedfidelity I sincerely hope that your SO is successful in his attempt to stop PMO. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I honestly don't have a lot to offer in the way of support right now, as most days I feel like I'm drowning myself, but if you ever want to chat feel free to send me a message.
     
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  17. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    ***Triggers**** Sharing from my journal.
    Last night was a mistake. I am weak. What started out as a good day turned into an awful experience at the end. I was good with being closer to my husband and decided he could hug me and kiss my cheek. Then, I felt comfortable enough to keep going. I told him I wanted to take things a little further and make out...waist up stuff only. I craved his touch and told myself I could handle it. It seemed like we were back in high school again and there was so much passion again. He kissed me passionately and had desire in his eyes. He was seeing me, really seeing me. It made me feel so wanted and close to him again. It felt amazing. I wanted him so badly! Things got hot and I let things go further....I thought we were ready. Our eyes were locked on each other, our touches united. But then, he seemed to waiver--intense passion to fizzle...back to passion...and then fizzle. He said I kept looking at him strange, like something was wrong. (I was looking at him intensely with my eyes open, which is something I don't usually do as much.) Maybe he was intimidated? Maybe he was too much in his head instead of in the moment? (His lack of self confidence has always been a problem even with all the years of me supporting and encouraging him, nothing I have said or done has helped.) He went from hard to flaccid within seconds. I was numb. I should have known better. I was fooling myself. He wanted to try again in a different position...I couldn't do it...too many triggers. I wanted him to be WITH me--face to face, soul to soul. If he couldn't perform with traditional stuff/missionary, and without any self handling or my ass either being seen or touched, then I knew he wasn't ready. His lack of erection was evidence. His sputtering and waivering passion was evidence. His lack of confidence was evidence. Anxiety performance?...I am his wife! Just fuck me! Make love to me! Get the hell out of your head! I need you! I couldn't even feel sad or mad....just numb. What did I do? Is it my fault? Did I put too much pressure on him? He said he wanted it too. Will things ever be the same? Is this us now? I can't live like that.
    I said my brain was tricking me to believe things were fine and normal. Last night proved it. I am an idiot.
     
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  18. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry that happened. You are not an idiot at all. You just wanted to feel close to the man you love. I hope that as things progress things will get better.

    His actions may hurt, but you are a kick ass lady and you've got this.
     
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  19. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your words of encouragement. I wish I could feel that way, but now I am feeling empty inside. I keep going from good to bad, back and forth...I am a mess.

    I wonder if it would it be easier if we weren't in the same house? Should he leave? I would leave, but he travels for work and is not able to be there for the kids like I am.
     
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  20. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Some people try an in home separation and that's helpful. Basically you are roommates until you decide otherwise is how it was described to me.
     
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