He has watched over 360 porn videos in 7 days!

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by fadedfidelity, Apr 17, 2019.

  1. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Nothing she has said, in this thread or any others, is self-centered at all. She is simply stating what's true...and you're actually proving her point for her. PA's are typically the self-centered half of relationships as the addiction itself is very selfish. They gaslight, rationalize, and throw blame around anywhere but on themselves where it rightfully belongs. And, they have a complete lack of empathy for the pain and damage they cause to the ones they love most due to their addictive behavioral choices.

    Of all the thoughtless, insulting, and incorrect accusations you've made about @EyesWideOpen , this is the one that really feels like a massive punch in the face. When we discover our partner is a PA, do you think that gives us the feeling that 'everything' is all about us? When we realize that the trust we had for the most important person in our lives has been broken, repeatedly, how do you think that makes us feel? When we make the choice to stay with and support our partners in spite of all the pain we're feeling, is that being self-centered? When we do our best to forgive and move on after multiples relapses, are we being so selfish as to make everything about ourselves? When our hearts are aching from betrayal trauma caused by their PA, are we so selfish not to put all our focus on the "porridge brains" they've developed?

    Anyone who's been in a relationship with a PA for any amount of time can tell you that everything is absolutely not about the SO...not their feelings, wants, needs, or anything else. Although addicts can keep themselves convinced that they're considerate of others, especially their SO, it's all a part of the immense amount of bullshit they constantly tell themselves to rationalize their continued behavior. If they pretend their SO is the selfish one, then they feel entitled to feed the addiction. No one is better at playing the victim than addicts themselves. The list of ridiculous crap used to justify is endless and includes things like...
    A really important part of a successful recovery is recognizing the harm caused by your addiction and making amends for the damage done. As @EyesWideOpen said, it also requires the ability to develop empathy. The betrayal trauma experienced by SO's is not a nice thing to see. No PA truly wants to see the pain and suffering they've caused to their loved one. So, it's easier to ignore it, deny it, downplay it, flip the blame, or do whatever else is necessary to avoid facing it. Sometimes, it even includes extreme gaslighting (similar to many of the things you said to EyesWideOpen)...making unfair judgements about the SO, belittling them, saying mean and unjustified things to them to try to make them feel as if they are the real problem, guilting them for feeling betrayed, criticizing them for wanting to protect themselves from further harm and somehow turning that into the SO not being supportive enough for the only one they see as a victim of PA, the addict himself. Of course, gaslighting in any form is not helpful for anyone's recovery. In fact, it only perpetuates the damage and serves as a clear reminder to the SO that, in reality, everything is really about the addiction.
     
  2. Given the extent of the responses I have to reply back. I'm afraid that instead of taking what I had written as a genuine opinion, you decided to be my psychoanalyst which is nice of you but misguided. I assure you that since I don't know you, have never met you and probably never will, I'm not performing any manipulative tricks on you as you accused me.

    This is just a repeat of what was written earlier, hopefully you'll take me seriously this time. The reason why I called you self centered is that you seem mainly concerned by how you're feeling and not what's happening to your man. Which you vehemently denied and proceeded with a 200 word essay about your emotions. Welp.

    I acknowledge that it might be hard for you, ok? (btw it's not universal, many women don't care a bit about their partners porn habits) But that's collateral damage. I can't believe that this needs to be spelled out but the primary target is the guy who has his soul and life force repeatedly getting sucked out of his body while completely aware that he's doing that to himself willingly yet unable to stop.

    If you decide to clean that cesspool that's his life for him, you have to be prepared that it's gonna smell really bad. If you're not ready for that, don't do it and don't complain about it online, please. Leaving him to his own devices, letting him man up and pick up himself from that crap alone is a valid route to take and I have yet to be convinced that it's not the better one.
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  3. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Why would you think that a partner to a PA wouldn't have empathy with him? Most feel incredibly bad for their addicted spouses. The pain we feel as SOs are separated from that. We have had our lives ruined because of someone else's choices. If it's selfish to grieve over your own lost life, then fine, I'm selfish.

    The comment that one shouldn't complain is the essence to why people kill themselves. We should always welcome those in suffer and need to open up about their struggles. If I had a friend who's husband suffered from PMO addiction I would want her to feel that she could visit me any hour of the day to cry on my shoulder for as long as it took for her to feel better.
     
    lostintx, Numb, Susannah and 4 others like this.
  4. If that's the case then my complaints don't apply to you at all. I aimed it at those who are just upset that their partner finds other people hot too. I mean, that's life. Meanwhile, the other side might be experiencing complete loss of control over their actions and disintegration of character. Putting an equal sign between what those two parties are going through is what pissed me off. Like I'd much rather live with a gf who plays with herself to Brad Pitt than to disappoint myself over and over again. After 5+ years of constant relapsing despite giving it my all is fucking demoralizing. I've personally never made it past the contemplation stage but a few boys actually tried to rope because of that...
     
  5. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Trust me, if your girlfriend would choose to have imaginary sex with Brad Pitt instead of you every day, you wouldn't be so jolly. Rejection isn't a picnic unless you are the rejector. It's not really about finding people hot or not, it's about compulsively seeking others for sexual pleasure. I can see physically attractive men too but I don't give a damn and I would certainly never make them a part of my sex life. I got married for a reason and I'm tired of the endless excuses men makes. If you don't want monogamy, no one will force you too it. We are very lucky to be living in the modern world, when getting married is a conscious choice, don't you think?
     
    Numb, Susannah, fadedfidelity and 4 others like this.
  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    You aren't fully committed if you have been constantly relapsing for 5 years. It takes work, an intense amount of emotional and even physical work, to be in recovery. It takes finding someone or someones to help hold you accountable. It takes finding the right therapist that will help you discover what led you to this addiction and how to learn to cope in other ways. Many find 12 step programs like SAA, SA, SLAA, or Celebrate Recovery incredibly helpful. White knuckling it on your own will always lead to failure because you are only stopping the symptom, not the cause.

    Your comments show that your brain is still very much in the addict fog. If you are willing to do the work, you will see the world in a whole new light. It will be life changing.
     
    Numb, lostintx, Susannah and 7 others like this.
  7. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    @Gaius Julius Caesar I completely get you.

    I don’t know how deep your habit is, (mine is 20 years). I am guessing you tried lots of ways to quit. And hell yeah demoralized, depressed ñ, suicidal Can occur. I encourage you too. We know there’s help but we say “nobody’s gonna really understand the shit I’m in.”

    Plus, we have to be “clean” to get a girl. To keep a girl. Or at least we think so, so the lying starts to compensate for what we haven’t been able to master and the cycle continues.

    Truth is there’s no cure. There’s only hard work ahead of us. Lots of people quit and relapse. It’s not a sexually based problem, it’s an emotional one.

    I don’t know if this will make sense fully, but men tend to be action or results driven. Addiction kills the very essence of how we operate. We can’t show shit for achievement when we feel the slime of failure. As a result we try to manage our successes through statistical methods. Number of days or in my case how small my black book is.

    You sound like you want to talk in black and white ( but the reality makes it hard to do).

    I have read through success stories and see that the guys who get free don’t get there passively, it’s not a phase, they have to fight. For the rest of their lives.

    Unless you plan on dying prematurely, you will always have to fight. You failed,but you are bigger than that.

    Triggers can be anything. Can be a rainy day, or a day at the gym, or being disrespected , or getting a text from you ex, or angry that you can’t get laid. It’s all emotions bro. We suck at that maybe more than the women understand probably.

    I will tell you, i have tried to quit longer than 5 years in part because i have a super religious background and i knew it was wrong, even despite my earliest sexual experiences and trauma (10). So I have fought but the difference I have found, is that if you get in a group of folks who are dealing with it together you can really start to understand there is a “fog.” You describe it as mush and I totally agreed with that.

    I get you. It’s not hopeless—-not yet. You know you can’t give up. I have tried giving up , it’s not any easier. Staying in the addiction takes work too. Hang in there brother.
     
  8. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Yeah, what I'm talking about isn't supposed to be punitive. It's about creating a safe space for her and setting boundaries.
     
    fadedfidelity and EyesWideOpen like this.
  9. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    My husband ADMITTED to 3-4 hours per night with longer benders on the weekends, plus time spent in the bathroom at work during the work day AND to masturbating 3-4 times per day for many years. Given that he is a master at minimizing, the real amount of time spent was likely much more. He acknowledges this, too.
     
  10. Thistimeitsfinal

    Thistimeitsfinal Fapstronaut

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    Although your husbands time spent watching P is excessive compared to what I used to do, your situation in your marriage is what strikes a nerve with my situation. I put my wife through the same hell for years, and even after giving up the hardcore stuff I was still struggling with the MO and addicted to PSUBs like creeping Facebook, Instagram, sex forums etc. Now after finding this site for ideas and support, and hitting the "hard mode" with no PMO, I truly believe I am on my way to final success and getting rid of this scourge in our lives. What brought me to this point was that my wife actually removed her wedding band, gave it back to me and said it would remain that way until I had sorted myself out. Well after 40 days of hard mode (no PMO) she has accepted that I am on the right path now,accepted her ring back which was a huge lift for me. We have two independent grown up kids about to get married and I have too much to give up.
    I am still going for the recommended 90 days in hard mode to make sure I'm good, and we will then get our intimacy back on track. I do know that this will be a lifelong battle and we can NEVER let our guard down lest we relapse. I wish you all the best, this is a strong addiction and sickness and it needs a huge effort to fight. Don't give up!
     
    Numb, Erichpure, need4realchg and 2 others like this.
  11. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing your story and for your best wishes. I'm so glad you addressed your situation in time. My husband didn't take action until he began to believe that I was "serious" this time. Unfortunately, months ago he mistook "serious" for "mad" and more recently "finished" for "serious".

    What we've got here is failure to communicate.
     
  12. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Wow. Wow. Wow.

    Brother you are an inspiration. Thank you for your success.
     
    Thistimeitsfinal likes this.
  13. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    @Susannah you are spot on here.

    Maybe it’s not a matter of what’s being said , but the level of emotions at work around the conversation ? Do they filter, color, distort the message and it’s importance?
     
  14. Thistimeitsfinal

    Thistimeitsfinal Fapstronaut

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    And we as addicts have to admit that fact, it took me many years to agree that I had a problem and that it was NOT ok. So admitting and then trying the hard reboot is a good place to start. It can be done, never give up!
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  15. Erichpure

    Erichpure Fapstronaut

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    Great posts.
    Can someone explain hard mode relapse reboot flatline
     
  16. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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