He is at it again (help needed!)

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Lilla_My, Apr 4, 2019.

  1. UK Lad

    UK Lad Fapstronaut

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  2. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    this forum should have a "hug" option. So, so sorry.
     
  3. de severn

    de severn Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

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    You know the ironic thing is that my addiction fuels my insecurity. I can’t talk to my boyfriend without inadvertently interrogating him. You would think that I would be more understanding if he were to have a PMO problem considering I’m the addict but that’s not the case.

    I have never caught him with anything incriminating but my actions make me doubt him even though he is “normal” in every aspect. What’s “normal”? He seems interested in sex with me, he touches me often, he looks at me when I speak, he averts his eyes when the opposite sex is peacocking in public, he is emotionally predictable, and etc. I am the anomaly in the relationship. I am the dodgy, moody, and isolated person in the relationship. And surprise surprise, I am the PMO addict here.

    So to answer your question, he gets uncomfortable when I talk about this stuff because I get passionate about it. I tend to overwhelm him. He shuts down when I bring anything up.
     
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  4. petros1982

    petros1982 Fapstronaut

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    Hi,
    this is a bit out of date, so I hope my comment is relevant.
    First you have my sympathy. This sickness of character does indeed steal the person you loved away from you in a very real sense. it does this by stealing them from themselves. My wife is doing some of her own work and Melody Beatty's "codependant no more" is one of the cornerstone texts for her work. The most effective thing that she has done to get my attention is to step back and say "do what you want, I'm done". She had tried and tried to fix us for years, but I didn't realise where I was. I thought I was fine. Now, I'm ashamed of myself for the hurt that I've caused , but I'm accepting the decline I've put myself into. I can't see all the damage and shortcomings right now, but i am looking out for signs of what I'm not seeing. When I see these things they become obvious, but you get really good at convincing yourself that everything is okay. I know that it will take a lot of work to rebuild our relationship. it took me a long time to accept all this. D.E.N.I.A.L - Don't Even Know I Am Lying. I've booked myself in with a therapist and we will be going as a couple also.
    I know that before coming on here and sharing with some of the other guys was scary for me. I deep down felt that if I were to ever acknowledge this, the world would collapse and I'd be living in my car and be a hopeless case. So when I was approached with questions about this habit, I was reacting as if the person asking was trying to take everything I had away from me. I went into fight mode pretty hard. I don't know about anybody else, but I am not rational or open in those moments. all I want is the threat to go away. Having my wife actually threaten to walk out made this consequence real and changed the landscape for me. I'm not saying that you should do this, but my experience was that her leaning in further only resulted in me turning away further.
    I pray you find peace.
     
  5. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Codependent No More is a really good book. The thing is though what a number of us SO’s experience is much deeper and more traumatic, that being betrayal trauma.
    Our entire worlds have been destroyed. What we thought was real...our husband, marriage, family life has all been a lie of epic proportions.

    Additional books that are highly recommended for spouses of addicts are:
    The Betrayal Bond...Dr.Patrick Carnes
    Mending a Shattered Heart...Dr. Stefanie Carnes

    It’s also important to realize that addicts will do what addicts do to maintain their life of addiction: lie, cheat,manipulate,gaslight,stonewall,
    The very best thing you can do is take care of yourself, along with letting go of rescuing and fixing.

    I could toss life jackets upon life jackets to my addicts...but if they don’t grab them ,there’s nothing more I can except step aside.

    Peace and love are with you...you’re not alone
     
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  6. petros1982

    petros1982 Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry.
    You're absolutely right, and it's not right for me to be putting suggestions in where I don't understand.
    I hope ye find peace and healing.
     
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  7. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    It’s all right petros1982 that’s how we learn. By sharing our experiences. I REALLY like your acronym for DENIAL.
    I’m glad you’re working with a therapist, that shows true inner strength. Besides that it’s 2019 and if a person doesn’t have their own therapist, well their just not with it. (Wink wink)
    Ya life is a journey. Enjoy the ride. PEACE & HEALING to you and your wife
     
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  8. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Such an insightful post, I've been reading and re-reading. When your wife said "Do what you want, I'm done", did she actually walk out on you?

    I also find that leaning in has caused my husband to pull further away. He gets very hostile if the subject comes up; my tears, my despair and my grief over our "fake" marriage causes him even more anger.

    The thing I don't understand is why he doesn't seem to feel bad for the tremendous pain he has caused. He just denies and denies and denies. But we both know that he keeps doing it. Why doesn't he just say "ok, so I watch naked women, but I want to do it and you will have to live with that"? Or just divorce me?
     
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  9. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    As usual, your insight provides comfort for me, thanks. I guess it's a circle of torture: I get better, attend therapy, read posts on this forum, try to attend to my hobbies and relax; I feel small glimpses of hope and happiness. Then I get the urge to "verify" his words, I spy on his web history and boom, more porn or p subs. I fall into despair again, deeper than before, and this cycle of misery just continues and continues and he denies and denies. I look at myself in the mirror and see how every piece of my femininity is stripped away, piece by piece, making me even more repulsive to him while the women he looks at will always stay as tempting and gorgeous. I see their bodies in my dreams, when I'm awake, I see him drool over them and I just want to rip off my head but I am doomed to live in this torture.
     
  10. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Awh...We’ve all gone through what your are going through to various degrees. Please don’t despair. Sounds like you’re experiencing grief at the deepest level.
    I found it easier to just let my PA spiral out of control. I believed nothing he said and watched quietly everything he did.
    Please remember , this isn’t about you. He has a progressive illness and there’s nothing you can do.
    My thoughts and love are with you
     
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  11. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Isn't this *exactly* what he is saying through his actions, though?
     
  12. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    He knows that I don't approve and he has promised to stop. If he doesn't want to stop, why not just ask for a divorce and save me from this torture?
     
  13. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Are you powerless to take action on your own?
     
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  14. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I want to stay with him and support him if he wants to quit. If he doesn't want to quit I will want a divorce. I haven't heard the words "I want to stop" from his mouth, just "I promise..."
     
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  15. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    The relevant bit from my own story: When I confessed to my wife hiding my PMO addiction from her for 15 years of our marriage, I was prepared for her to leave me. She would have been completely justified in doing so. She chose not to, and we have worked on things since then. However, if I had acted toward her at any point the way your SO is acting toward you, I can assure you I would be a single man today.

    I would not presume to give you advice. I cannot imagine how difficult this situation is for you. I think, though, if you go back through the threads you have posted over the last few months, as I have just done, and re-read what is there, your path forward will become clear. You have answered your own question, many times over.
     
  16. I thought changing my behavior would draw my wife closer to me.
    She would say “I see that you’ve quit your masturbation and fantasizing and looking at porn. I’m proud of you. I can see that I mean more to you than sex. I love you.”
    But it didn’t happen that way.
    I thought that I could influence her behavior by changing mine.
    But I can’t.
    No one can change someone else.
    And if I didn’t want to stop my addiction for myself, I don’t think I would have for my wife.

    My point is, he won’t stop until HE wants to. And you can’t change his behavior by your actions.
    If he wanted to stop, your support would be most helpful.
    IMO you are a great woman for wanting to improve your relationship with him, and you’re very kind to be so supportive to him.
    But he’s stuck in the addiction.
    His love for you won’t make him stop until he wants to do it for himself as well.
    He has to be willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to stop.
    No matter what that is.
    This is my experience speaking.

    I share the addiction side with the PAs and the codependency side with the SOs :rolleyes:
     
  17. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Thor god of thunder, you are absolutely correct. Thank you for your contribution.
     
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  18. petros1982

    petros1982 Fapstronaut

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    No. Separation has been discussed and is not off the table, but for right now we still live together and are looking to work this out.

    I cant speak for your husband, but for me, it's like there's the me that I have been and want be, and there's the addict. In the moments coming up to acting out, my thinking changes. I need to spot this as early as possible to head it off and to do that I need to realise that I am an addict. The best example i can give is that its a bit like when youre about to get really angry and lose control.

    Stating "I am an addict" to myself is a stomach churning, ego obliterating moment that for me is survivable mainly because of my Faith. For many years I did everything I could to avoid this discomfort, including belittling my wife and pretending to myself that she was overreacting. I look at that now with great regret but I can't get it back.

    There is some neurobiology behind addiction that shows that the brain changes and the conscious thought part shrinks and the lizard brain grows. So in a very real way, I am not the person I once was. That's scary. It can recover, but only given the right conditions.

    Agreed. Her stepping away didn't get my attention until I has a 2 month binge under my belt. For some reason, I then realised what I was risking. I got myself on here and started reading and posting. I started noticing the distance and isolation around me. I booked myself in for counselling. Thank God I didn't have anybody that told me I was okay as I was. They want better for me.

    To be clear, I am early in my journey, but I've prayed many times that this is my rock bottom - that it won't get any worse. But I had to get to that place before I decided that it wasn't worth continuing and that it's time to kill the addict and trust that what's left of me afterwards is enough to justify life. And I'm really scared of failing. And I'm so grateful that she is willing to give me the chance to work through this, but also I'm grateful that she can't accept me with this addiction.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2019
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  19. Pinetree

    Pinetree Fapstronaut

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    Maybe you are overreacting, and I mean here in terms of the pain you're feeling. What exactly makes things so bad for you ?

    Because drooling over pixels on a screen is certainly stupid and pointless for his part, but why is this such a big deal for you ? I mean, those are not real women that he's looking at, just images on a screen. This is just the addiction at work here, it's not like he wants to replace you with another woman as his wife. At least, that's what I got from your posts.
     
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  20. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    It's apparent that you have no understanding what so ever of betrayal trauma. I realize that is the reason why you would leave such an inconsiderate post here, but honestly, ignorance is not a good excuse for being so insensitive. It's a big deal to her because it hurts when trust is broken. It hurts when you are betrayed. And, it hurts when people who don't understand at all say rude things without knowing what they're talking about.
     
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