Heartbroken but hopeful...

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by hope4healing, Aug 8, 2015.

  1. That was such real, heart-wrenching letter. My heart breaks for you, and all the SO's then I'm sure feel very similarly.

    I hope and pray that you are able to work through the Betrayal trauma and all the pain and anguish that you are feeling.
    CowardlyLion and hope4healing like this.
  2. That’s really powerful and from the emotional core of your being. But I can share with you that during and after my divorce I had many strong feelings about my ex and relationships in general. And here’s what I learned. We don’t really know ourselves. There’s a reflection of our true self that we call ‘I’ and the characteristic of this reflection is that it changes. This changing ‘I’ looks beautiful sometimes and ugly sometimes, but that is actually a characteristic of the mind perceiving it, and not an intrinsic property of the object being perceived. This changing ‘I’ is not the real I. All our life is simply a quest of the real I. Strength and hope help us along. If you think you are beautiful, you are beautiful; if you think you are ugly, you are ugly. What I learned from my divorce is to not be too affected by what other people think of me. That power is for us to give, or retain for ourselves. I will never cede that to another human being, but gladly to the Divine.
    All the best,
    hope4healing likes this.
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'd like to like the letter... But I'm not sure it' pproper liking something so sad... It' bbeautiful tho.
    I feel exactly this.
  4. @hope4healing, that's a very touching, moving, beautiful letter. Like Kenzi, I can't bring myself to click 'like' - but if there were 'sympathise with', 'admire the writer', 'cried at this' or 'learned a hell of a lot from' buttons, I'd have clicked them all.

    My heart aches when I read it, for you and for the rest of the SO's I know. Please consider giving it to your husband. It's beautiful, powerful and I think it needs to reach its intended recipient.

    Best wishes. You're awesome.
  5. Thank you for all the kind replies. It's nice to know that there are some who really are able to understand the depth of the pain caused by this horrible addiction. Unfortunately, my husband isn't one of them. Not yet, anyway. I've been trying to work through the betrayal trauma for a long time, but it's difficult to make much progress when the hurtful things keep happening, even if it is happening "less often" than it did before. When he says that I should be glad "it isn't as bad as it used to be," I believe, in his addict frame of mind, he truly feels like I should be so appreciative of that because being unfaithful less often is something to be happy about? Obviously, if it's weekly vs. daily, that's better, but it doesn't just make everything all dandy. The addict way of thinking really is so messed up.
  6. Is your husband on NoFap?
    hope4healing likes this.
  7. No, unfortunately, he isn't. I've tried to get him on here for awhile, but, although he keeps saying he will, he still hasn't followed through. He's still trying to keep himself convinced he doesn't really have a PMO addiction. Over the years, he's said a few different times that it's "like" an addiction, but then he always backs off of it. His most recent rationale is that "it must not be an addiction if he can go for periods of time without it (even though he always returns to it at some point.) I think he has brief moments where he does realize it's truly a problem, but they don't seem to last long. The addict thinking takes back control.
  8. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut


    I’m glad you posted this- I know a lot of us can relate. @Fighting Axeman- please read.
    Deleted Account and hope4healing like this.
  9. Thank you for the encouragement to do so @BetrayedMermaid :)
  10. You are infinitely beautiful, but what you have written here is even more beautiful.
  11. @hope4healing, anything new with your story / your journey? I see you adding so many constructive comments for others .. how are things between you and your PA? And how are you handling the process of dealing with betrayal trauma and life in general?
    hope4healing and Kenzi like this.
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    She has a journal.
    I await for the new entries too :)
    hope4healing likes this.
  13. A journal? In the private SO forum??
  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I thought it was Reboot and relationships, but I just tried to look for it and maybe she deleted it?
    It was awhile ago.
    And if she asked a mod to move it to the group, I wouldnt know.
    I don't go there.
    But it's possible too since the journals got a section and several SOs had them moved to one or the other.(the new section or to be private)
    hope4healing likes this.
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Or THIS is her journal and I am clearly multi-tasking way too much today.
  16. I appreciate you checking in. Things between us have been mostly the same...the fact that he won't acknowledge/accept that the problem exists continues to be the biggest obstacle. I think he has convinced himself that abstinence for a period of time (from P, not M and Psubs) proves it can't be an addiction. I feel like my healing is being held up by his lack of progress towards recovery because I'm in constant fear of the next time he falls back into P. It's seems inevitable that it will happen at some point. It always has. And, considering that he hasn't done anything differently this time than the other hundred times he managed to abstain for awhile, there aren't a lot of reasons to think otherwise.

    Can someone who's addicted to PMO for 30+ years and who's failed multiple times to stop on their own (regardless of the risks and possible consequences) suddenly just quit forever, especially without true acknowledgement of the problem and with no outside sources of support at all? I'd love to believe it could happen, but it certainly seems unlikely.

    Given the way history has repeated itself time and time again, I'm bracing for yet another backslide in the next couple weeks. He's been on light-duty for a few months to rehab an injury so, instead of working his usual 24-hour shifts, he's been on a regular 40-hour/week schedule which means he's been home every night. However, he's about to go back to 24-hour shifts. In the past, whenever he's been off work for any amount of time for leave, vacation, etc., he has PMO the very first returning shift. Every. Single. Time. I've tried talking to him about my fears and how much I'm really struggling with all of this, but all I get (if anything) is, "Stop worrying. I don't do that anymore." As if it's that simple...not to mention that's what he's always said, and it's never been true.

    It's frustrating because I know there's nothing more I can do. Either he will follow through this time or he won't. Of course I want to cling to that shred of hope that this time won't be the same, but I've learned this valuable lesson so many times that it's like I'm setting myself up for disappointment if I do. I guess time will tell. All I know is, if this does turn out the same, things will change one way or another...either he'll finally wake up, see the problem, and be willing to finally deal with it properly, or I'll just have to give up completely. Battling this for so long is wearing me down. I feel like I'm living vicariously through the success stories here that keep giving me bits of hope. And, while I'm so thankful to have found this place, it can only carry me so far without some success of our own.
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2018
  17. Yep, this is my journal. I had started it waaaay back before there were so many different forums so I had asked a mod to move it here.
    Kenzi likes this.
  18. In my opinion, no.
  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Reverent and hope4healing like this.
  20. It is so hard to make someone change when they just don't want to. All you can do is keep on showing him the error of his ways
    hope4healing likes this.

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