His addiction becomes my paranoia

[blue is everywhere]

Hello everyone,

I'm just putting it out there in hope to find some clarity, if not some answers.
My boyfriend's porn addiction is a struggle for both of us. He's one of the ones who recognized long ago that he has a problem and he wants to solve it. He wants to quit, for good, but so far, there isn't something that he tried that really worked. I know he is making progress. His consumption diminished and he talks about it. He journals and makes exercises everyday. But still, there are frequent relapses. And they are devastating me. I feel like it becomes always harder for me to get along with it. It hurts me harder and harder. I try to be supportive as much as I can. But it's eating me from the inside. I'm scared. I've got panic attacks. I think about it everyday and feel a fear deep inside, which doesn't seem to leave me.
I even have the feeling, that I think more about it than my boyfriend does. He says he loves me. He says that we can fight this and still be happy, even though it's not solved yet. And I think this is true. But still I'm afraid, everyday. I can't help but wonder what he might think about. We have sex and i think about it. I see him working on his computer and I think about it. We watch something on YouTube and i think about it. I can't live like this, in permanent fear. I wasch his computer history all the time and read his journal. It makes me become like a crazy jealous person and I can't stand that feeling. That's not who I am. I feel like I need constant reassurance from him, I need to be convinced that he wants me all the time, and that is crazy for both of us. I'm tired and don't know what to do to escape this unhealthy dynamic. So if you have any advice, please do share it, I'll be grateful.

 

[Real Roboin]

Hello everyone,

I'm just putting it out there in hope to find some clarity, if not some answers.
My boyfriend's porn addiction is a struggle for both of us. He's one of the ones who recognized long ago that he has a problem and he wants to solve it. He wants to quit, for good, but so far, there isn't something that he tried that really worked. I know he is making progress. His consumption diminished and he talks about it. He journals and makes exercises everyday. But still, there are frequent relapses. And they are devastating me. I feel like it becomes always harder for me to get along with it. It hurts me harder and harder. I try to be supportive as much as I can. But it's eating me from the inside. I'm scared. I've got panic attacks. I think about it everyday and feel a fear deep inside, which doesn't seem to leave me.
I even have the feeling, that I think more about it than my boyfriend does. He says he loves me. He says that we can fight this and still be happy, even though it's not solved yet. And I think this is true. But still I'm afraid, everyday. I can't help but wonder what he might think about. We have sex and i think about it. I see him working on his computer and I think about it. We watch something on YouTube and i think about it. I can't live like this, in permanent fear. I wasch his computer history all the time and read his journal. It makes me become like a crazy jealous person and I can't stand that feeling. That's not who I am. I feel like I need constant reassurance from him, I need to be convinced that he wants me all the time, and that is crazy for both of us. I'm tired and don't know what to do to escape this unhealthy dynamic. So if you have any advice, please do share it, I'll be grateful.

WE can fight it? He has to fight it. I been your shoes worry if he is watching and jacking or is he using psubs. Can you just stop with him and concentrate on you? Get some good boundaries set up?

 

[Wolfgirl]

Hello everyone,

I'm just putting it out there in hope to find some clarity, if not some answers.
My boyfriend's porn addiction is a struggle for both of us. He's one of the ones who recognized long ago that he has a problem and he wants to solve it. He wants to quit, for good, but so far, there isn't something that he tried that really worked. I know he is making progress. His consumption diminished and he talks about it. He journals and makes exercises everyday. But still, there are frequent relapses. And they are devastating me. I feel like it becomes always harder for me to get along with it. It hurts me harder and harder. I try to be supportive as much as I can. But it's eating me from the inside. I'm scared. I've got panic attacks. I think about it everyday and feel a fear deep inside, which doesn't seem to leave me.
I even have the feeling, that I think more about it than my boyfriend does. He says he loves me. He says that we can fight this and still be happy, even though it's not solved yet. And I think this is true. But still I'm afraid, everyday. I can't help but wonder what he might think about. We have sex and i think about it. I see him working on his computer and I think about it. We watch something on YouTube and i think about it. I can't live like this, in permanent fear. I wasch his computer history all the time and read his journal. It makes me become like a crazy jealous person and I can't stand that feeling. That's not who I am. I feel like I need constant reassurance from him, I need to be convinced that he wants me all the time, and that is crazy for both of us. I'm tired and don't know what to do to escape this unhealthy dynamic. So if you have any advice, please do share it, I'll be grateful.

I’m actually in a very similar place although my SO put his foot down and told me directly how motivated he was. He has been relapsing frequently, but after saying directly his goal and getting on the forums, I felt more at ease. When I asked about his urges and he barely had any I was thrilled. Just recently, his urges are getting worse and I worry about a relapse.

I believe that it’s not good for you to worry, if you believe that he is truly trying to quit, being cautious can be a good thing, but not to the point of extreme paranoia. If you believe that you are in it for the long haul, I think it is good to show your support and love. If the paranoia continues, you may have to take a step back and realize that you need to take care of yourself. Don’t be afraid to tell him how you feel. I personally don’t think you should refuse to see him after he relapses, but that is simply because of the way my relationship is and how my SO would most likely relapse again if I did that. I find that restricting his phone and computer gave me piece of mind. I wish you the best. Don’t forget to take care of yourself!

 

[Liina]

But still I'm afraid, everyday. I can't help but wonder what he might think about. We have sex and i think about it. I see him working on his computer and I think about it. We watch something on YouTube and i think about it. I can't live like this, in permanent fear.

This was me, too. It was exhausting to live like that, it felt like the fear drained all energy and I couldn't feel happy or relaxed at any times. I learned that it's out of your control, if he chooses P then you can do nothing about it. I know it is reaaally hard for us to stop controlling them, for me it took time to let go of the control. I know it gives a lot of peace to monitor what PA does, but in the end that's not a solution to his problems. When I step by step let go (the control), and I said to myself that if he chooses P, it's his problem. I said he must be honest, and tell me if it happens. Then I eventually got peace of mind. I don't live in daily fear anymore. I'm still work in progress though, sometimes I get thoughts "what if" and "I don't want it to happen", and I get triggered by what we see in the tv or YouTube, but it's not as extreme anymore as it used to be.

And again, I know it's difficult, it took time, but for your own sanity I recommend to start working the thought of letting go of the control, because the controlling drives you crazy, and HE is the one who should be able to control his own behavior. He has to respect you, and show it with his actions.

Edit: I talked about control, but by control I also meant that paranoid thinking, and not only checking his devices etc.

 

[Karnakavach555]

Hello everyone,

I'm just putting it out there in hope to find some clarity, if not some answers.
My boyfriend's porn addiction is a struggle for both of us. He's one of the ones who recognized long ago that he has a problem and he wants to solve it. He wants to quit, for good, but so far, there isn't something that he tried that really worked. I know he is making progress. His consumption diminished and he talks about it. He journals and makes exercises everyday. But still, there are frequent relapses. And they are devastating me. I feel like it becomes always harder for me to get along with it. It hurts me harder and harder. I try to be supportive as much as I can. But it's eating me from the inside. I'm scared. I've got panic attacks. I think about it everyday and feel a fear deep inside, which doesn't seem to leave me.
I even have the feeling, that I think more about it than my boyfriend does. He says he loves me. He says that we can fight this and still be happy, even though it's not solved yet. And I think this is true. But still I'm afraid, everyday. I can't help but wonder what he might think about. We have sex and i think about it. I see him working on his computer and I think about it. We watch something on YouTube and i think about it. I can't live like this, in permanent fear. I wasch his computer history all the time and read his journal. It makes me become like a crazy jealous person and I can't stand that feeling. That's not who I am. I feel like I need constant reassurance from him, I need to be convinced that he wants me all the time, and that is crazy for both of us. I'm tired and don't know what to do to escape this unhealthy dynamic. So if you have any advice, please do share it, I'll be grateful.

I had PMO issue for years. I am 70+ days now, No PMO. I had urges till 60 days. Now i feel free and my thoughts are clean. Urges are diminished now.
90 days reboot may help him. It may take many more months for full recovery. May be 1 year. He may make continues improvements during this time. If you can, help him to over come his addiction or let him go.

 

[ankith]

I don't mean to be rude or anything, but I think you need to ask someone else (male addict) to be his accountability partner. I know you are trying to do good to him by keeping an eye on him all the time, but that only puts extra pressure on him and makes him want to lie to you or find another way to get back to his addiction. The best thing is to ask him get an Accountability partner who is also an addict like him, cos addicts understand each other better and he will also learn that instead of doing this Nofap as if it were forced onto him, he has to do this as his personal responsibility to become a better person.

This will reduce tension/paranoia and burden for you as you can just ask him on alternate days about the progress.

 

[Trigirl78]

This was me, too. It was exhausting to live like that, it felt like the fear drained all energy and I couldn't feel happy or relaxed at any times. I learned that it's out of your control, if he chooses P then you can do nothing about it. I know it is reaaally hard for us to stop controlling them, for me it took time to let go of the control. I know it gives a lot of peace to monitor what PA does, but in the end that's not a solution to his problems. When I step by step let go (the control), and I said to myself that if he chooses P, it's his problem. I said he must be honest, and tell me if it happens. Then I eventually got peace of mind. I don't live in daily fear anymore. I'm still work in progress though, sometimes I get thoughts "what if" and "I don't want it to happen", and I get triggered by what we see in the tv or YouTube, but it's not as extreme anymore as it used to be.

And again, I know it's difficult, it took time, but for your own sanity I recommend to start working the thought of letting go of the control, because the controlling drives you crazy, and HE is the one who should be able to control his own behavior. He has to respect you, and show it with his actions.

Edit: I talked about control, but by control I also meant that paranoid thinking, and not only checking his devices etc.

100% agree with all that you’ve said! I feel exactly the same way!

 

[Trigirl78]

I agree you have to find a way to release the control. Believe me it took me a good 6 months and maybe longer and even now it’s still work in progress. I’ve just yesterday taken off the notifications on his laptop for when emails pop up, so I’m not tempted to snoop! I can look but I’m choosing not to right now. Work in progress.

as mentioned there’s always the worry of slips but it’s on them to own up and own it! Easier but as you know that’s the constant worry more than the slip itself!

 

[Trigirl78]

I agree you have to find a way to release the control. Believe me it took me a good 6 months and maybe longer and even now it’s still work in progress. I’ve just yesterday taken off the notifications on his laptop for when emails pop up, so I’m not tempted to snoop! I can look but I’m choosing not to right now. Work in progress.

as mentioned there’s always the worry of slips but it’s on them to own up and own it! Easier but as you know that’s the constant worry more than the slip itself!

 

[fadedfidelity]

This article said it best, "When betrayal shatters our sense of safe connection with our partner, it creates enormous feelings of fear, insecurity, and panic." https://partnerhope.com/sherlock-part-3/
It's not really about "control", it's about keeping you safe from hurt. You look and search because you don't want to be surprised with another "attack" discovery day. It really is about self preservation and keeping walls up to protect you from hurt. When I felt crazy consumed by paranoid thoughts of him hiding more from me and keeping secret stashes and accounts I hated it.
As women, we don't want to control our husbands, we don't want to be a micromanager or a mother to him! We want security and safety and trust that he will not lie and cause us pain. This source really helped me understand what I was feeling and why. Perhaps it will help you.
https://partnerhope.com/sherlock-part-1

 

[fadedfidelity]

Another big help for me was this blog article. I thought I was losing it and felt unstable. https://partnerhope.com/complex-betrayal-trauma-emotional-dysregulation/
It sounds like you are dealing with a lot more than he is right now. He isn't serious about stopping this addiction and that is why you are having to go through relapse after relapse. You need to step away from the relationship and focus on YOU. You will lose yourself trying to stay in it to try and help save him from himself. It he really loves you and wants to change, he will want you to take care of you and will understand.
One moment that sticks out in my head the last time my husband and I had a D day. My husband took off his wedding ring and handed it with tears in his eyes and said, "Don't give this back to me until I earn it. And if I don't earn it back then that's on me and you should leave because I don't deserve you." That's a real man. He knows his shit is ruining you and loves you enough to let you go before your soul is crushed beyond repair. I hope you get that from your guy. Thinking about you, lady. Take care of you. He is the only one that can help himself.