I might have an escort problem...

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Mattew, Jan 13, 2019.

  1. Mattew

    Mattew Fapstronaut

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    I was reading a book by john kabat zinn on mindfulness, that was the most complicated, unnecessary, unreadable book ever...
     
  2. RightEffort

    RightEffort Fapstronaut

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    Yes I am telling you from personal experience. My first retreat was in 2010. It transformed my entire life. I'm coming from a lot of addictions and darkness and it has been a life changing event multiple times.

    I have done it 7 times and planning to do a 20 day sit soon. It is life changing. There are over 2 million graduates, the results are 100% real to those serious students who actually do the method sincerely. You can also do some search on youtube and google to see others testimonial.

    I have nothing to gain from this share but to express my gratitude to the teaching and im not a buddhist either. :)
     
  3. Mattew

    Mattew Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, i already searched, there is a retreat also in my country, i tried to book a retreat but they're quite busy.
    I'll try to book a retreat more forward in time.

    They don't say nothing on the costs, are these 10 days courses expensive?
     
  4. RightEffort

    RightEffort Fapstronaut

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    This is what is so beautiful about it!

    It is 100% donation based. which means it is free when you attend, and then you pay what you can based on your financial situation.

    From my research it costs about $350 or so to feed and host some one for that long - this i just the hard cost not the growth cost which would be more like $500.

    You receive this as a gift of the generosity of the older students who have personally benefited from the teachings.

    According to the teacher Goenka he had to do this so the teaching would be pure, you basically become a monk for the duration of the course. And as monks you receive the food and shelter and teachings as a free gift.

    The amazing part is no one really tracks who pays, or who doest. No pressure and yet this organization has been growing non stop for 30+ yrs.

    Here in Canada recently I heard an amazing story.

    The course finishes and some Asian guy goes to the donation table and asks, how much does the course cost. THe person behind the desk says, NO set price, you can pay whatever you can and you think it was wroth to you.

    So it turns out, it was worth 1.5 MILLION DOLLARS to this man.

    This money went to start a new center in Merrit BC.

    I thought this is so heartwarming because many students dont actually have the capacity to pay much, but instead some other people who are more financially well off pay more and cover the rest.

    It's such a beautiful movement. Eckhart Tolle talks about it and agrees to its potency. I have never seen anything as powerful and helpful in my life. But be prepared to go thorugh HELL and its NOT easy. but when you leave you will be happy you did it ! :)
     
  5. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    This may not be a good idea for everyone......see below article

    https://www.pennlive.com/news/2017/06/york_county_suicide_megan_vogt.html
     
  6. RightEffort

    RightEffort Fapstronaut

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    Yes it is extremely potent and should be taken very seriously that's why there is a huge application process and people with mental health and addictions are not allowed unless they take special permission.

    I have had all kinds of mental health and suicidal tendencies in my life and still find this to be helpful for me.

    Any type of true transformative training or course or thing will have by definition a danger involved in it.

    Take ANY training, book, transformation program and you will have a small 2% of the people who will find something wrong with it.

    Never the less, I think vipassana is a powerful tool but it is NOT for every one and I say this without judgment as I nearly walked out on the 4th day. I have actually left the retreat 2 times after having successfully completed it 4 times! The inner aversions that come up are like KICKS - and they cause reactions.

    Follow your inner guidance if this is for you or not, as for me I will continue with it as it is like day and night for me life with it vs without it :)
     
  7. Mattew

    Mattew Fapstronaut

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    That's what i was talking about in the last page, meditation is not what people and meditation sellers talk about, it's not that relaxing no stress thing many people say.

    For example, i was feeling good the last month, so the other day i meditated longer and deeper, and after a while i immediately started feeling worst, super angry, suicidal, incredibly nervous anf full of hate.

    That's what meditation is, it makes you in front of what's deep whithin you, and that is not relaxing at all...
     
  8. Mattew

    Mattew Fapstronaut

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    Can you delve a little in how it changed your life?
     
  9. I'mJustAChoice

    I'mJustAChoice Fapstronaut

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    This is going to be a long post, but in the end it relates to your story, and it might be of help.
    You say you can only be with escorts, and in that sense we are similar; I can only flirt when drunk, and I am actually good at it, but when it comes to sex, I don't know if it is Porn Induced Erectil Dysfunction, if it is the fact of being too drunk, if it is my fears and insecurities coming out in the last moment, if I'm gay and I don't know it, but the thing is that my dick doesn't work. Also, I feel nothing when making out with a girl, touching her or whatever (when being drunk, never did so while sober), despite the fact that they turn me on, which makes me wonder if I became a voyeur, and I rewired myself into thinking that my sexual life is supposed to consist on masturbating while watching anything that stimulates me sexually. I even tried with an escort once, and it didn't work either. I was also drunk, always fucking drunk, man.
    So I am still a virgin at 25, I haven't had any love relationships (discarding two when I was under 12 yo) and I feel as if maybe I can't have them, like it's been too many years being alone.
    If to that you add 11 years of watching trans porn, you get a very messed up guy.
    But the thing is that there are women that make me tense, and I know it is because I like them. There is this cashier that never talks to anyone, and whenever I go through her she says "oh, it's been so long" and she always asks stuff and tells me stuff, and I know she is into me, she keeps an eye on me all the time while I walk the store. So today, on day 31, I MO, due to prostate problems that I couldn't keep pushing aside. I did it without porn or fantasies. And I don't know if it had anything to do with it, but I saw her today, after weeks of not seing her, and I got visibly nervous and had a stupid ass conversation, just saying stupid things because I was nervous. I think she might have actually liked it, just for realizing that I am into her.
    Okay, so here comes the interesting bit, as I got home, I started looking for tranny escorts, I watched like 3 or 4, so I consider I have relapsed despite not having masturbated to their pics (I didn't even get hard). The thing is, that this woman got me nervous because I obviously like her, but soon as I get home, my brain reacts to this stress as always: "go for trannys", it's almost like I disciplined myself to believe that I don't deserve women, and here is where I think that we are similar.
    This goes to the point were, whenever I partied and got drunk, women would make me insanely horny, and either if I made out with a girl or I didn't, soon as I got home I would masturbate to trans, not to women.
    So I am sure that I have build myself around this idea of not deserving real women and real relationships, and I think you are at the same point. And if you are, then I am afraid that it all has to do with no self-love, no sense of self-value, being too ashamed of yourself, not considering yourself someone worthy to have a relationship with. It's fucking sad, but at least I know, so all I can do is to work on it, because I'd rather struggle trough this than to live a life of regret, watching porn secluded like a bug, or fucking trans escorts when it is actually women that get all of my real attention and feelings.
    Man, I think love is worth it (I was in love for years as a teen), and I think we must go through this.Quit porn, quit escorts, work on yourself, hope for love to happen eventually, hope for life, do not live a life of regret.
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2019
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  10. Mattew

    Mattew Fapstronaut

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    You're perfectly right, t is a self-worth problem, but that is no news for me, i had known that for years, tried infinite solutions, read tons of self-help books, and here i am, after years, at the same point, but without even a sparkle of hope because i tried everything, it just looks like woman are not into me, there's nothing more i can do.
     
  11. I'mJustAChoice

    I'mJustAChoice Fapstronaut

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    Well, I can't put myself in your shoes, but I wish you the best in any case.
    As Kase.O said: "neither I know how to live, I'm just improvising".
     
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  12. Mattew

    Mattew Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a lot, the best also to you.
     
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