I need urgent help, please! :(

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by zackseamus, Feb 4, 2019.

  1. zackseamus

    zackseamus Fapstronaut

    Sorry for the wall of text :(

    Hello guys. Well, this is not the first time I am posting here and not the first time I try Nofap. I have done it before, reached the 72 days but ended relapsing due to a panic attack at the end of 2017. That was my longest streak. The benefits are real and I have never felt better, but there are situations that I still don't know how to deal with, and your point of view, perspective and opinions would be very much appreciated, if possible :)

    So far I have relapsed numerous times and ended up giving up on nofap due to my own weakness, even knowing and experiencing the positive results myself. It came to a point where I decided to try to fap once per week, so I could retain both sides, the benefits of nofap and also the pleasures of fapping/porn. Obviously, I fell, to the point where I was doing it again daily. I tried this multiple times with no success.

    I have decided to start nofap again, day 2 of February. Hard mode.

    My depression is extremely crushing at this point, I have pure-o OCD and it's getting worse and worse, I have absolutely no energy and no motivation to get out of my room and I even contemplate suicide frequently. Well, I know this is nothing new to you guys. Most people that start nofap are somewhat at this stage. But here comes the other issues:

    I have a foot fetish. Not only that but also a tickling fetish. And the only way I have found to satisfy this fetish was porn. I'm an introvert and a recluse, barely leaving my room. What chance would I have to go out, ask a girl out on a date and satisfy those fantasies? I have asked dozens of girls out, but they all rejected me, sometimes in traumatic ways (humiliating me in front of the class at school). I ended giving up. I felt it was easier to just watch porn to satisfy these fantasies. I don't want this fetish, but I have it. I never told anyone I have it. I tried to fight against it numerous times, but I lost. It's not my fault.

    Eventually, after decades of watching BDSM, tickling and foot fetish videos and hentai, it was not enough anymore. I decided to take a step further. I decided to start Roleplaying (RP).

    I found Forums where people would meet up to Roleplay their sexual fantasies, so you would partner with those that had similar fantasies and RP virtually (no cams, just texts). It was amazing because, with this, I could realize my deepest fantasies and fetishes. I could roleplay a scene where my character would have sex with an anime or video game girl that I had a crush on, an orc would have sex with an elven lady, a fairy, whatever. There's no limit. Things that would be impossible in real life are all possible in RP. We could go Non-Consensual (which would be a crime, obviously), and so on. But eventually I ran out of RP partners, and I needed more. Porn videos would not satisfy me anymore, neither images. I needed the RP experience since it looked like I was living that. It looked so real to me.

    To solve that issue, I started RPing as a female. Yes, I would RP as the female girl since it was so much easier to find male RP partners than female RP partners. I wouldn't mind RPing as the female since it was all about writing a story for me as if reading a book where I was one of the authors (writing the female, actions, reactions, lines, etc). So far, this is one of the main struggles I have: Quitting Roleplay, especially because you make connections and friends there that are constantly sending me messages "Are you free to RP tonight?", etc. Porn Videos, drawings and images don't do it for me anymore. Just RP, to be honest, because I feel like I live it. Possibly because I am an amateur writer, the words do for me what images cannot.

    The second issue is: I like to draw. Art is my life, I love drawing, and I decided to start drawing tickle, BDSM and foot fetish artworks to try to express myself and to earn money. The financial situation here at home is not very good, especially with me unemployed (I tried several jobs but I never seemed to fit). As soon as I started drawing these NSFW artworks, I began to receive commissions. And soon I was making money with them, quite a lot to be honest. More than what I would receive in a regular job here at my town working 8 hours a day 5 days a week. All this while working at home, with these porn drawings with the fantasies I like. The problem is, I began to feel VERY guilty of drawing these things, especially after some people commissioned me for darker stuff (like rape, pedo, and gore). Most of these I never ended up posting. I just drew for the person and sent it to them, but made it private. All that along with the fact that I am trying NOFAP again makes me really not want to draw these things anymore, adding, as well, the spiritual side of things.
    I mean, what am I doing to make the earth a better place? Drawing porn?

    But at the same time, this is the only thing I know how to do. This is the only thing I can make money right now, and the only way I can express my fantasies, my fetishes. But I know that they cannot walk hand in hand (drawing NSFW while being on NOFAP).

    The funny thing is, you could say, why not draw SFW art instead? Well, my SFW art profiles have much less than 1% of the views and interactions than my NSFW artworks do. Literally, I am not exaggerating. When I make a digital painting, I have around 10 ~ 20 likes, but when I make a tickling, foot fetish or BDSM art, I have 5 thousand likes, loads of comments, people message me for commissions and so on. It even got to a point where I would have to deny commissions because the line was full.

    So, the bottom line is: What should I do? How should I proceed with the RP issue? Should I bluntly block all my RP friends?

    How should I proceed with the foot fetish/tickling issue? Should I try to seek out a girl (wich will be hard since I have no money right now) who has the same interests and engage in a relationship to try to satisfy this need? I even ended up thinking about going to those fantasy or bdsm pubs/clubs, but I'm not sure, those places sound very underground and creepy for me.

    And how should I proceed with my tickle/footfetish/bdsm drawings? I really need the money and this gives it to me, and also some sort of way to explore these fantasies that I have (take them out of my head and put them into the paper/screen) but I know that I am enticing others to fap, that I am using what I feel that is sacred for me (my art) for something not sacred, and that it is VERY dangerous to walk in NOFAP while working with NSFW artworks.

    Could you guys give me your opinions and pieces of advice? This would be very much appreciated.

    Thank you SO much and sorry for the wall of text :(
    Jwarrior77 likes this.
  2. Honestly it's a tough one because it's your main source of income, but you are pretty much a porn producer right now. Is that who you want to be? Can you not use your drawing skills in a healthy way?
    zackseamus likes this.
  3. zackseamus

    zackseamus Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the reply.

    Yes, I definitelly can. It's not fair to say that I can't when there are hundreds of successful artists out there. The main problem is that the competition is way bigger. But I guess with Nofap I will get the motivation to practice even more, and become a better artist, to be able to make a living out of it :)

    That's my goal right now.
  4. 4DCreator

    4DCreator Fapstronaut

    Money is not everything. I have given up things in my life which were bringing me money but these activities were not good for anybody.

    There is karma my friend. You can be "blessed" by devil energy to live like a rich guy while doing what you really love. But you know what is waiting at the end of this road. You came here to get rid of your problem. You are making artworks that are creating a problem for somebody else. You are literally helping a porn industry. It is a tough one but I would try to learn how to earn money in a different way. You will also find inner happiness and peace.

    justafriend likes this.
  5. You cannot be a slave to two masters, as the wise old saying goes. My friend, you sound like a very talented and intelligent person. But you've let yourself believe that you can have it both ways. Quit anything and everything to do with porn. Use your talent somewhere else. You are at a crossroads and you absolutely must do the right thing. Good luck. People here totally believe in you and want you to succeed.
    Jwarrior77 and 0111zerozero11 like this.
  6. Westsidejimmy

    Westsidejimmy Fapstronaut

    So basically your a pusher that started using his own drug. Rough road man. If you want to stop your going to need to disappear from the digital world. I know one other who did this by posting that she died. At the time she was my favorite fetish model. She got caught up in the addiction as well. I only recently found out she was still alive thru a random person at a bar who taught she was a goddess. She did it to save herself.

    Your situation is extreme. Not only are you an addict, but also a creator. Seek help from a sex addict specialist. You will be redeemed but the next 9 month's to a year are going to suck big time.

    Just know that it will pass, but only after you have walked over the coals. It took me three years to quit. And my current streak is 9 months with only sex with the wife ( who is hot as f$!k by the way). I honestly don't understand how I got so low, but I do understand your problem. Throw everything away. Even your computer. Start over like a child. It's the only way.

    Good travels brother. The pain will be worth it.
    True Victory is Victory over ones self.
    Ogikubo likes this.
  7. zackseamus

    zackseamus Fapstronaut

    Thanks a lot guys. So far I've definitely decided to quit drawing porn and also PMO, and I am finding a lot of inner peace.
    I know it's the right thing to do.
    Ogikubo likes this.
  8. Wise! And keep us posted!
  9. zackseamus

    zackseamus Fapstronaut

    Hi guys, day 6 here.
    I have been feeling very depressed lately, as if my heart was crushing or an invisible hand was crushing my chest all the time.
    Does anyone know how to deal with this?
    Ogikubo likes this.
  10. I have a couple of suggestions. Breathe slowly and naturally. Don't force anything. Find peace and quiet. Even if you have never meditated before get yourself in a comfortable seated position and repeat something that will give you peace. The first time I went through something like that I kept repeating the word "forgive." I realized later I was forgiving myself, but it doesn't really matter, as long as it gives you some peace. Try that, maybe a few times a day. And get a counsellor of some kind. You are human and this is a natural thing to experience.
  11. C.HNF

    C.HNF Fapstronaut

    Just imagine this scenario and see if you will feel like drawing again. An eleven year old child (I say child and not boy because at eleven anyone and everyone is innocent) sees one of your porn works of art, gets interested and binge watching more of your "arts". This child somewhat develops the same fetishes as you did, and then the child grows into a 26 years old man whose minded is already fked up with porn use. This person gets depressed because of PMO fking up his life and after prolonged suffering commits suicide. Would you be so proud of your so called porn "arts" by then? So please try to quit this and PMO as well and be the best version of yourself.
    Don't cause someone else to suffer.
  12. brilliantidiot

    brilliantidiot Fapstronaut

    Quit everything dramatically. Not a little bit, everything. Block your rp "friends", quit produceing porn. Basically start your life over. For money, get a job somewhere like walmart or something easy, and work from there. Or join the military, that would be a great way to get away, they pay, feed, clothe you. Sorry to bring Christianity into this, but the church (if its a good one) will welcome you, its a great community and you will be loved/cared for. Best of luck man, I admire you for trying to pick yourself up again.
    Ogikubo likes this.
  13. zackseamus

    zackseamus Fapstronaut

    Hello, thanks a lot. I do try to meditate, but I need to be more consistent with it. Most of the time when I meditate like that, I imagine a dark smoke coming out of my nostrils and mouth, as I exhale all these negative feelings and emotions. It does make me feel better, but eventually, it returns, so I have to do it several times a day. The problem is I have read in some spirituality forums and subreddits that if I do this in my room, this dark energy and thought forms will get attached to things in my room or stay there, so I have to direct it somewhere else to be cleansed and destroyed (to a huge source of light or fire for example). I don't know to what extent I believe in these things. It kind of makes sense, but I don't feel I have the mental energy to meditate, exhale the negative energy AND visualize it burning in a fire all at the same time while the depression is crushing my chest.

    Do you have any opinions on this? Best regards! :)
  14. zackseamus

    zackseamus Fapstronaut

    Yes, that does make a lot of sense. I did think of that, not to the suicide extent but to the point that the drawings can make others suffer judging all the recent studies of how porn affects the brain, especially when on depression. It's hard because it is easy money, and also something I like to do, adding that to the NoFap pressure, but I will not submit. I will stay true to my values. Peace of mind is worth much more than money.
    C.HNF likes this.
  15. zackseamus

    zackseamus Fapstronaut

    Hello, thanks a lot for the feedback.
    I really wanted to join the military, but I am way too old (30 years old now) so I guess they won't accept me anymore :( will they? I really like their way of life, how they develop discipline, etc.
    About the church, I'll see into it :) thanks again.
  16. bigboibez

    bigboibez Fapstronaut

    30 isn't that old bro. At least give it a try.

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