I was on day 49 and I masturbated

S

seagulls6878

Fapstronaut
I feel like all my hard work has gone to shits . I had 49 days of clean time . I jacked Off this morning and my d1ck wasn’t even hard . I had an orgasm with a soft one . What led me to this was I was seeing someone , we hadn’t attempted sex yet but she left me last week to go back to her Pentecostal religion . I got bummed and sad and I got in my head and I fapped. Guys , it’s hard dealing with pied/Ed since I was 20, I’m now 31. I remember when I was 20, I’ll never forget that night . I spent all night drinking and edging till I fell asleep . I woke up in the morning time and I went to fantasize about whatever . My dick wouldn’t get hard and I wasn’t very turned on, like sexually, my emotions were blunted . It’s been rough , a lot to deal with at 20. I tried to kill myself when I was 22 and I still struggle with suicidal thoughts today . I have no sex drive and my dick won’t get hard . I just feel all this despair and misery all the time . I guess the only thing I find joy in is they thought that one day I will die and this will be over with . Alot of people comment on how nice and stuff I am . I’m thinking well , when you’re at This point in you’re life . Suicide attempt at 22 and severe depression , why would I want anyone to ever feel like that. I think you truly can’t understand that until you’ve been at a point like that in you’re life . My dad he has multiple sclerosis and I don’t know what I’m going to do when he’s gone. He tells me all the time he says “you’re my son , it bothers me that you’re so unhappy and I can’t do anything to make you happy “. We’re very close and I feel like if I’m still at this point , when he dies, they might as well dig a hole for me too . I don’t think I can do it . I’ve had full blood work ran , they can’t find anything wrong . I don’t know if I could get an EEG brain scan. I really don’t know what to do . I feel like I’m on here saying yeh same stuff . It’s just been a really hard day today .
 
You sound like an intelligent young man, and being here on nofap shows that you are seeking solutions to the problems in your thinking.
Every one of us has problems, and gets depressed from time to time, so I understand where you are coming from.
I am older than you, but have been where you have, and know very well the feelings you are having.

But, if it helps, life does change as time moves on, and despite my crappy situation in the past, things gradually got better and now I am happy most days.

I too had a tragedy with my father, we both almost died on the same day in the same way.
I made it through alive, he did not. I won't go into details, but it haunts me still as you can imagine.
My mother also was a tragic case, but again, despite the mental anguish, I am still here and happy.

I am not a therapist, but only someone who has gone through tragedy after tragedy and understand your thinking.
The only advice I can give is to take life one day at a time, and try to enjoy each moment, that is all I do, and it seems to work.
Don't get me wrong, I still have my depressed days, but what keeps me hopeful is that I know happier days will come along as well.

Please stay on this forum and if you need help seek the advice of a good professional therapist to overcome any negative thoughts.

You have friends and confidants here brother, you are not alone.

Cheers for now brother.
 
I’m sorry to hear that about your dad . I don’t mean to go on here and cry about stuff . This life hurts , it hurts a lot. I was talking to my brothers girlfriend about the world and she said when you really do get down to it , it’s a very depressing place . I’m human , I have feelings, we all do . I’ve never been this miserable in my entire life. I read a lot these days about the afterlife. Even though I’m angry at “god” alot of days , I still hope there’s something better after this . I just want to go back to my normal self . Have a normal sex drive and a working thing down there . It’s not sex I crave. I want to form that connection with a women and get married and start a family and do everything everyone else does . I just can’t do it and it and it’s really really messing with me . I wake up at 2 am to be at work at 3 am, hard work outside in the southern heat . What am I doing this for ? So I can pay someone later on in life to wipe my ass for me . Then this whole “if you kill yourself you go to hell”. How could god send someone to hell who is at a point like that , who has that much pain that they felt it was the only way out . Idk if that one M session counts as a relapse . I’m feeling it today . I’m in a really dark place . It just sucks so bad when you see no way out , and the thing that’s hurting you the most is living .
 
I hear you brother, I have had dark thoughts myself many years ago, so I really know where you are coming from.
I know you want to be near your Dad at this time, but also know you are young, and have many years yet to form relationships and achieve the things you want to do.

Also, the world is bigger than where you live now, and it only takes an air ticket to get to some other part of the world where you may find a completely different life.
I was in the merchant navy at one time, and I can assure you there are many opportunities in other countries as well.

If your current environment sucks, consider moving somewhere else, go for a holiday first, and then see what you want to do.
Some of my family members have moved to other countries where they found success, so it is possible.

I know with your Dad's condition you may want to stay close, but do consider your options, you are not locked into a particular part of the world, you are a free spirit and can go where you want, and achieve what you want.

Cheers,
 
I appreciate you man . Next month I am taking a vacation to Wisconsin to see my friend . This all just sucks man . Like I said I’ve been dealing with this since I was 20 and I’m now 31 . It’s difficult when you see one way out . I thought of calling the suicide hotline yesterday , just to talk to someone who may understand me . I assume those people who answer the phone have been in similar situations , idk . I just wish my mind would go back to normal . I was talking to my brothers girlfriend and she said when you think about it , the world is a very very dark and depressing place . People are superficial and don’t care about anyone else’s feelings. People comment on how nice I am to everyone . Can’t be mean , wouldn’t want anyone to feel like this man . It’s just a bad place to be In. I don’t understand why this is happening at all . Maybe I should call the hotline , just to talk to someone who may understand .
 
Glad to hear that you are taking a vacation, I am sure it will be a good time to find yourself again.
The world can be a dark place, and many people are indeed superficial, but there are also many good people in the world, and we are all in this together in the end.
Talking to the suicide hotline sounds like a good idea, if for no other reason than it helps to unburden yourself to another human who understands your thoughts.
Also, be mindful that being on nofap has the so called flatline as one of the withdrawal symptons, and when it hit me I was also in a depressed and dark frame of mind for at least a week.
But those feelings are just a part of the healing process, and they do go away in time.

It has been great chatting with you brother, and I hope we can do it again soon.
I have to go and get some jobs done, and will be signing off now.

Cheers until we chat again brother.
 
Thanks so much for talking to me. Always great to hear some positivity. I’m sorry about what happened to you. I think getting away for a bit will be good for me . I hope to talk to you again soon.
 
seagulls6878 said:
I really don’t know what to do
Click to expand...

Is it really that you don't know what to do, or that actually you do know and it's just too hard?

Look, I'm going to be honest with you as I only want to see people here get better. I could feed you some feel good fluff that will be nice to listen to for all of five minutes but it's not going to improve your situation ultimately. If you don't think you can handle some hard truths then maybe stop here and ignore what I'm about to say below.

------

Ok, so the fact of the matter is, you have done considerable damage to your brain. Now, short of getting into this mess in the first place, the ideal time to start recovering was the day your brain effectively gave up when you were 20. You can be forgiven for not doing so as just like many of us here, you were probably totally unaware of what was happening or how destructive this behaviour can be. You are now 11 years on and whilst I'm sure you have tried to quit since then, you have only compounded the original damage by continuously going back to it. Again, I am not blaming you, beating an addiction is extremely difficult, I am just stating the facts of the situation.

Where you are at now is akin to an obese person wanting a fit, athletic physique. Now the good news is that it's still possible, the bad news is it's very likely going to take a considerable amount of time and pain to get there. The question you need to ask yourself now is whether you truly want it enough. The alternative is to just accept the situation and live a life you don't really want. The damage you've done to your brain won't fix itself without you putting in the work, you won't just miraculously recover one day despite carrying on the way you are.

Your GF or whatever she was leaving you is a blessing in disguise. She would have complicated matters and the relationship wouldn't have worked anyway as you are in no fit state to please her physically. You now have a clear run at this to focus on just yourself and your recovery.

You need to put all thought of sex and relationships out of your mind. Until you are recovered, women do not exist in your world. Do not try and cheat the system by talking to girls online or looking at their social media. At this point, they are nothing but a drug to you anyway, a drug that temporarily makes you feel better but just worsens your situation in the long run.

Masturbating with a limp dick is not the man you want to be and it doesn't have to remain that way. The situation may seem hopeless now but things can definitely change for the better. You need to start now though and you need to do it properly, no half-measures.
 
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