Just need to tell my story

addictesteem · Feb 8, 2018

Hello fellow addicts,
I'm new to this website. I have been on nofap for about a week now. I have not kept exact count of the days because it gives my mind the impression that PMO is going to be my award once I accomplish the 90 days. All I know is that I never want to go back to porn again.

Since I've been on nofap, my energy level has skyrocketed to the level that I exercise almost daily, and do grueling exercise for hours on end. I've had more focus and I'm able to accomplish tasks that matter.

See I've been watching porn since I was 10. I'm now 32. At times, I've watched porn all day and masturbated and orgasm six times a day. Regularly I watched porn everyday and masturbated at least twice a day. I've been a very heavy user for a very long time. I've had all the symptoms of the negative effects of porn. PIED, promiscuity, prostitution, unsafe sexual encounters, sexual encounters that challenge my sexuality......

I was never a confident kid. I had multiple health problems through out my life. I have teeth that do not grow and got so stuffed in my jaws that I had to remove all of them because the cysts created by my impacted teeth were at risk of entering my blood stream. Long story short I have 7 teeth in my mouth. I wear dentures all the time and have for the last 6 years. Needles to say I have terrible self image.

I have replaced people (friends, family, girlfriends) with porn because of the terrible shame I feel everyday. And the rest of my life is filled with lies so I can avoid shame. I have literally given my life to porn. I haven't been able to accomplish anything I set out to do in life because when ever it gets tough, I run to porn and pretend I'm doing the work in front of everybody else. What I didn't feel with porn, I have filled with Oxycontin (which I have stopped), Weed (which i have stopped), alcohol (which i have stopped), and cigarettes (which I just relapsed on). I'm proud to say at this moment even though I seem to be crying myself to sleep at night, that i haven't watched porn or masturbated since I decided on my nofap journey.

What this journey is turning out to mean for me is that I have so many issues that I have hidden with porn, boos, and drugs that I'm having to deal with them every night. I usually exercise so that's keeping me on the straight and narrow. But when the loneliness monster comes at night I greet him with tears of regret for the past and hope for a better future while I wipe away my tears. I've become an emotional wreck.

I know it's going to take some time to fix all the lies I told to everyone around me. I just hope there is some one on this forum that reads this and says 'good job'.
Sincerly,
addictesteem the lonely addict.
Hope you have a great one. Stay strong.

Journeyer · Feb 8, 2018

addictesteem said: ↑

Hello fellow addicts,
I'm new to this website. I have been on nofap for about a week now. I have not kept exact count of the days because it gives my mind the impression that PMO is going to be my award once I accomplish the 90 days. All I know is that I never want to go back to porn again.

Since I've been on nofap, my energy level has skyrocketed to the level that I exercise almost daily, and do grueling exercise for hours on end. I've had more focus and I'm able to accomplish tasks that matter.

See I've been watching porn since I was 10. I'm now 32. At times, I've watched porn all day and masturbated and orgasm six times a day. Regularly I watched porn everyday and masturbated at least twice a day. I've been a very heavy user for a very long time. I've had all the symptoms of the negative effects of porn. PIED, promiscuity, prostitution, unsafe sexual encounters, sexual encounters that challenge my sexuality......

I was never a confident kid. I had multiple health problems through out my life. I have teeth that do not grow and got so stuffed in my jaws that I had to remove all of them because the cysts created by my impacted teeth were at risk of entering my blood stream. Long story short I have 7 teeth in my mouth. I wear dentures all the time and have for the last 6 years. Needles to say I have terrible self image.

I have replaced people (friends, family, girlfriends) with porn because of the terrible shame I feel everyday. And the rest of my life is filled with lies so I can avoid shame. I have literally given my life to porn. I haven't been able to accomplish anything I set out to do in life because when ever it gets tough, I run to porn and pretend I'm doing the work in front of everybody else. What I didn't feel with porn, I have filled with Oxycontin (which I have stopped), Weed (which i have stopped), alcohol (which i have stopped), and cigarettes (which I just relapsed on). I'm proud to say at this moment even though I seem to be crying myself to sleep at night, that i haven't watched porn or masturbated since I decided on my nofap journey.

What this journey is turning out to mean for me is that I have so many issues that I have hidden with porn, boos, and drugs that I'm having to deal with them every night. I usually exercise so that's keeping me on the straight and narrow. But when the loneliness monster comes at night I greet him with tears of regret for the past and hope for a better future while I wipe away my tears. I've become an emotional wreck.

I know it's going to take some time to fix all the lies I told to everyone around me. I just hope there is some one on this forum that reads this and says 'good job'.
Sincerly,
addictesteem the lonely addict.
Hope you have a great one. Stay strong.
Click to expand...

Fear not, you will get there. I too am finding out that there are a lot of emotional issues tied to porn and masturbation use. It might take a while to untangle them, but if you keep at it you will succeed. If you haven't already, I recommend starting a journal. It can be a really cathartic way to sort out your feelings and help in the healing process.
Just keep going and don't look back at what you left behind. You will get there. Don't listen to the voices that say you can't change, if you're breathing, there is hope.
Best wishes on your NoFap journey!

Hufflekid · Feb 8, 2018

WOW. That's a story. I started masturbating at a very very young age (not knowing what it was) and eventually got hooked on porn very young too. Although it didn't get quite to the level you describe, I certainly can relate to a certain degree.

Here's something I really want to emphasize: Don't expect your first week to be like the next, or any week after that. I've found that I truly have to check in with myself every single day and week because there are urges and triggers that come out of the blue. While you could remove TV, social media and as many attractive people from your life as possible, chances are there's going to be something that sets you off. Especially since you've gone 20+ years being stimulated by this stuff.

My best advice is to constantly check-in with yourself and re-affirm your reasons for doing this. Every time your motivation wanes or you get an urge or you see something triggering, go back and check in with yourself. I run through a bunch of goals in my head, but I know some people have had luck writing them down and reciting them. Like any addiction, it's most likely going to be a rollercoaster.

Stay motivated! There are a lot of people on your side.

jjnf · Feb 8, 2018

Thanks for sharing such an intense story.

It's obviously been a difficult struggle, the self image part is tragic...

I understand your lack of confidence there.

It's sad that people like yourself have to face the world with a health issue.

The good news is that you haven't and won't give up on improving your life.

I won't just say "good job" for that, I'd FUCKING EXCELLENT JOB! That takes a lot of strength!

My only suggestion is to not make your entire life about beating addictions, try and write a list of a few things you can do every day/week that take your mind of it and bring joy into your life...

For me, those things would be...

- Come up with ideas for a business (even if you never actually do any, it's still a great way to focus the mind)

- Find people that you can relax with, in a healthy way (perhaps a friend who you can grab a coffee with or even a pet that you can look after - I love walking my dog, it's so relaxing and she's so grateful)

- Exercise (I know you mentioned that you are doing exercise already, but perhaps find a variety of exercises to keep things interesting, and some relaxing activities like tai chi, yoga, long walk to a scenic place)

- Meditation (you will probably have heard this suggestion before, but it's really great at managing emotions and not being controlled by them, there's a good app called 'headspace' which I use in the mornings, it costs money, but there are loads of other free mediation options, if that's an issue)

Ideally we'd all be able to get over addictions in a day or two, but no human being is perfect, so don't expect perfection or aim for "purity".

You know it's going to be a journey, so prepare yourself and keep checking in with yourself as you move forward.

Be proud of yourself for taking action to improve your situation - most people never do that!

If things don't always go to plan, then avoid hating and shaming yourself - criticism is only good if it helps you achieve something good. If it hurts your self image further then avoid it.

Just keep walking in the right direction. Every step towards success is something to be proud of - make it a habit to praise yourself for trying and....

LOVE YOURSELF (that sounds cheezy, but it's really important!!! It gives you strength every day.)

Well done for posting on here.
Well done for taking positive action.
This forum is here to stay, so you have the support if you need it.

Guysavi · Feb 8, 2018

Best of luck

addictesteem · Feb 8, 2018

Hufflekid said: ↑

WOW. That's a story. I started masturbating at a very very young age (not knowing what it was) and eventually got hooked on porn very young too. Although it didn't get quite to the level you describe, I certainly can relate to a certain degree.

Here's something I really want to emphasize: Don't expect your first week to be like the next, or any week after that. I've found that I truly have to check in with myself every single day and week because there are urges and triggers that come out of the blue. While you could remove TV, social media and as many attractive people from your life as possible, chances are there's going to be something that sets you off. Especially since you've gone 20+ years being stimulated by this stuff.

My best advice is to constantly check-in with yourself and re-affirm your reasons for doing this. Every time your motivation wanes or you get an urge or you see something triggering, go back and check in with yourself. I run through a bunch of goals in my head, but I know some people have had luck writing them down and reciting them. Like any addiction, it's most likely going to be a rollercoaster.

Stay motivated! There are a lot of people on your side.
Click to expand...

Thank you brother. It really means a lot to me to find some kind of support since this is the first time I really have admitted my problems to my self. I feel a boost of motivation just reading your comment.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

addictesteem · Feb 8, 2018

jjnf said: ↑

Thanks for sharing such an intense story.

It's obviously been a difficult struggle, the self image part is tragic...

I understand your lack of confidence there.

It's sad that people like yourself have to face the world with a health issue.

The good news is that you haven't and won't give up on improving your life.

I won't just say "good job" for that, I'd FUCKING EXCELLENT JOB! That takes a lot of strength!

My only suggestion is to not make your entire life about beating addictions, try and write a list of a few things you can do every day/week that take your mind of it and bring joy into your life...

For me, those things would be...

- Come up with ideas for a business (even if you never actually do any, it's still a great way to focus the mind)

- Find people that you can relax with, in a healthy way (perhaps a friend who you can grab a coffee with or even a pet that you can look after - I love walking my dog, it's so relaxing and she's so grateful)

- Exercise (I know you mentioned that you are doing exercise already, but perhaps find a variety of exercises to keep things interesting, and some relaxing activities like tai chi, yoga, long walk to a scenic place)

- Meditation (you will probably have heard this suggestion before, but it's really great at managing emotions and not being controlled by them, there's a good app called 'headspace' which I use in the mornings, it costs money, but there are loads of other free mediation options, if that's an issue)

Ideally we'd all be able to get over addictions in a day or two, but no human being is perfect, so don't expect perfection or aim for "purity".

You know it's going to be a journey, so prepare yourself and keep checking in with yourself as you move forward.

Be proud of yourself for taking action to improve your situation - most people never do that!

If things don't always go to plan, then avoid hating and shaming yourself - criticism is only good if it helps you achieve something good. If it hurts your self image further then avoid it.

Just keep walking in the right direction. Every step towards success is something to be proud of - make it a habit to praise yourself for trying and....

LOVE YOURSELF (that sounds cheezy, but it's really important!!! It gives you strength every day.)

Well done for posting on here.
Well done for taking positive action.
This forum is here to stay, so you have the support if you need it.

Click to expand...

Thank you. I'll follow your advice to the tee. Your comment was so motivational that I had to read it a few more times. It really has made me feel better than I have felt for quite a while. I am so great full for your words. May the future be full of success for both of us. In this uphill battle we are in, may the future bring us progress. Thank you.

addictesteem · Feb 8, 2018

Guysavi said: ↑

Best of luck
Click to expand...

Thank you. Same to you.

addictesteem · Feb 10, 2018

jjnf said: ↑

Thanks for sharing such an intense story.

It's obviously been a difficult struggle, the self image part is tragic...

I understand your lack of confidence there.

It's sad that people like yourself have to face the world with a health issue.

The good news is that you haven't and won't give up on improving your life.

I won't just say "good job" for that, I'd FUCKING EXCELLENT JOB! That takes a lot of strength!

My only suggestion is to not make your entire life about beating addictions, try and write a list of a few things you can do every day/week that take your mind of it and bring joy into your life...

For me, those things would be...

- Come up with ideas for a business (even if you never actually do any, it's still a great way to focus the mind)

- Find people that you can relax with, in a healthy way (perhaps a friend who you can grab a coffee with or even a pet that you can look after - I love walking my dog, it's so relaxing and she's so grateful)

- Exercise (I know you mentioned that you are doing exercise already, but perhaps find a variety of exercises to keep things interesting, and some relaxing activities like tai chi, yoga, long walk to a scenic place)

- Meditation (you will probably have heard this suggestion before, but it's really great at managing emotions and not being controlled by them, there's a good app called 'headspace' which I use in the mornings, it costs money, but there are loads of other free mediation options, if that's an issue)

Ideally we'd all be able to get over addictions in a day or two, but no human being is perfect, so don't expect perfection or aim for "purity".

You know it's going to be a journey, so prepare yourself and keep checking in with yourself as you move forward.

Be proud of yourself for taking action to improve your situation - most people never do that!

If things don't always go to plan, then avoid hating and shaming yourself - criticism is only good if it helps you achieve something good. If it hurts your self image further then avoid it.

Just keep walking in the right direction. Every step towards success is something to be proud of - make it a habit to praise yourself for trying and....

LOVE YOURSELF (that sounds cheezy, but it's really important!!! It gives you strength every day.)

Well done for posting on here.
Well done for taking positive action.
This forum is here to stay, so you have the support if you need it.

Click to expand...

Thank you. I'll take cheezy all day. It's better than the absolute lost and numb feeling I have been living through for years. Since my nofap started i have been feeling better by the day. I would have never thought kind words from people i have never met would have such a positive effect on me. I have started meditating (and boy do i have a monkey brain lol) but it really has an effect. Helps me focus on the positive side of things. I'm sticking to exercising as well. All in all, I feel much better. Thank you for your comments. It really means a lot. You're awesome jjnf. Thank you again for your kind words.

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