My Book Of Life - Chapter 5

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by IamGold, May 21, 2018.

  1. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

    this addiction and the attendant SO trauma is freaking awful.... just really really horrible. and unfair

    can I affirm that you are amazingly pleasant? and your English is perfect IMO. as for smart - I don't know, but as for emotionally smart? your are a PhD. honestly I am blown away by the depth of self-knowledge and reflection you have attained so quickly (I know it doesn't' seem quick). You are also shockingly and impressively objective in how you see your husband, and separate the real him from the addict him. So although you are insecure about it all - I think you come across superbly.

    and I'm going to wager a pretty sure bet that you can still be outgoing and social too :) and I know for a bloody fact you are neither pathetic nor ugly. in fact the person I see is deep and beautiful on the inside , and I know that always shines through!!
  2. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much for this:)
    I would hug you right now if I could! Your comment is just... incredibly comforting and encouraging.
    I'm just sitting here misty-eyed and smiling.
  3. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I've decided to take a day off from the grieving. I'm going to concentrate doing positive things today to let my poor overworked brain rest a bit.
    Yesterday we spent the evening plucking weeds from the garden with SR and we transplanted our corn and pumpkin seedlings outside. It was so nice to just take a moment and spend quality time with each other.

    As we were tending the plants we had a great discussion about his shame and where it comes from. He shared things he's never told anybody about his childhood, his insecurities, and private thoughts. It made me feel calm and close to him to see that he was so candid. And it felt SO GOOOOOD that he trusted me enough to tell me. It's been a while since I've felt this kind of connection with him.

    There were a lot of hand-holding and kisses and hugs.

    This is the man I love and these are the moments I stay with him for.
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2018
  4. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I just read my last post in this journal. The feeling I had when I wrote it seems so distant now.
    Last Saturday SR woke up and everything about him had changed.

    His phone had stopped working on Friday and I know that's always annoying. Not really the end of the world though. Also, our bills were due and he couldn't access the bank's online service BC he needs an app on his phone to log in. But hey, it's weekend and money doesn't move on weekends anyway. The bills can wait for a couple of days, so again not the end of the world.

    Anyway, he got up all cranky on Saturday morning but pretended to be ok. I noticed that something was going on but didn't engage BC we have agreed to speak up if there's need and not make each other ask questions like "Is there something bothering you?". We've also agreed to deal with our own feelings proactively, take responsibility of ourselves, and not expect each other to "kiss away the boo-boo".

    After a while, we got to talking and I tried to explain that the problems he has right now are not worth ruining the weekend over. That these are things that can easily be solved but he has to do it and not expect me to hold his hand. I know from experience that once he gets all worked up like that over minuscule things he regresses to a helpless man-child and expects me to make it all better for him. When I refuse, all hell breaks loose and in his mind, everything is my fault. And that's exactly what happened.

    When he behaves like this it makes me worried. It scares me. It offends me.
    Should I have just stayed quiet? ...Maybe...
    But does being quiet mean allowing bad behavior? I don't know.

    His storming went on for the whole weekend. He was relentless. When I tried to tell him that his hurting me by acting the way he does he only got more angry at me. He picked a fight over every single little thing, broke my boundaries and refused to understand that what he was doing was wrong. He even wrote here as a consequence but only picked more fights after that.

    On Sunday evening it got to a point where I simply couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I was too upset to function so I just sat by our vegetable patch tears falling from behind my sunglasses.
    He took this opportunity to yell at me uninterrupted that he doesn't care that he's breaking my boundaries and that he doesn't care that there will be consequences for him. He also yelled that he doesn't feel empathetic and that the only thing he feels is anger towards me.

    I sat there quietly thinking, how is any of this my fault...?:(


    After everything that went down, I felt I needed to get away from him. I've been warning him that there will come a moment when I simply can't take it anymore if he keeps pushing my boundaries.
    And so the moment came.

    We are doing an in-house separation now. We started yesterday and so far it has been a very painful and saddening experience for me.
    I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Who is this person who I'm married to? I feel like I have no one in this world.

    I'm depressed...
    I feel like I can't bear this uncertainty.
    I'm a hot mess.

    I'm horrified at the thought that this marriage might not work. That SR chooses his addiction over me.
    Then where will I go?
  5. Yes!!! All of this! You are doing amazing and this is wonderful reminder to myself even to continuously work through this and make progress. For our own sanity & healing.
    IamGold likes this.
  6. So sry that all this went down like this. I believe his addict brain basically took over and raged at you because you are trying to take away it’s secur blanket. That is NOT your fault. Stay strong, stand your ground & follow through on your consequences as tough as that may be. In the long run it will protect and benefit you to do so. Change starts with you.

    Hang in there! Hugs!
    TryingHard2Change, IamGold and Kenzi like this.
  7. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

    big sigh...
    another sigh and a helpless look....

    can I affirm that you have done the right thing? everything @Broken3 said is spot on (as always ;-) ) this is not you fault. you have to stand your ground and your boundaries for both of your sakes. it helps you learn you are strong (Jordan Peterson says we are all MUCH stronger than we know...) and worthwhile (which you SO are!) and it forces him to respect you as a person.

    if your marriage has any chance (and I see no reason why it doesn't) it is only on this path. by engaging his anger, or bending to it you would do only harm. peaceful and firm resolution is the only path. and you are modeling that like a goddess - even in the midst of the unbelievable hurt and pain he so recently threw at you.

    @IamGold - have you found a IRL friend you can talk with? humans weren't meant to endure these things alone. you would really benefit from someone to talk with. If there's really no one - i'll bet you could PM an SO on here you feel connected to and they would at least talk on the phone.

    you are strong. your are making amazing and correct choices. you can do this. :) :) :)
  8. WISE WORDS for every PA and SO on NoFap.
    IamGold, Kenzi and Deleted Account like this.
  9. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Thanks for this! I had reached a point where I was really struggling and ready to cave in. The situation felt so painful and I thought I couldn't bear it. I wanted my desperation and depression to just go away by any means necessary and felt like it was the right answer to end the separation. But then in the nick of time, I read your comment.
    It's true. I have to stay strong and defend my right to be respected!
    There's no room to be weak right now.
  10. Amazing, encouraging, impactful words for IAmGold!
    ( you should read them to yourself as well @Broken3 )
    Deleted Account and IamGold like this.
  11. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Why do your comments always move me to tears?:)

    Thank you guys for pushing me to reach out to my friends. I guess I didn't have enough courage to open up about this to anyone. I feared to be judged and didn't want to burden anyone with my problems, but today I decided to take that leap of faith and called a friend.

    My fears were unnecessary. She didn't judge, She was actually really happy to hear from me and offered a few words of wisdom that helped me to see my situation more objectively.
    I feel so much better.
    I feel lighter.:)
  12. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Yesterday and this morning I was a mess. My tears were constantly just below the surface so I cried at everything. Remembering every uncompassionate word or act by SR cut me like a knife.
    I was experiencing a constant debilitating emotional pain and feelings of sadness, disappointment, hopelessness and self-hatred screamed in my head from one moment to the next.
    I didn't eat much but didn't feel hunger.

    """""possible TRIGGER""""
    I had a hard time falling asleep and when I did I had nightmares of SR enjoying having his way with another woman and staring at me with an unkind grin on his face.

    But reading the latest comments here and having a phone call with my friend made me snap out of my attitude of being a helpless victim.
    I am stronger than this.
    I can't allow myself to succumb to this crappy situation.

    I have given too much power to the addict.
    I have worried myself sick if SR is actually doing the work. If he's taking the necessary steps to get to the path of recovery again during this separation and even felt it's my responsibility to guide or nudge him in the right direction. ( I haven't done it but I've felt it.. and wasted a lot of energy worrying about it)
    I've taken the addict's anger into my heart and let it cripple me. I've been feeling bad about myself and immersed myself in thoughts of being unworthy and unloved.

    I feel liberated now when I understand that I shouldn't give a fuck about what the addict does or doesn't do.
    That I shouldn't let the addict's words and actions influence me one tiny bit.
    Why? Because the addict is a child.
    And as an adult, I don't let kids get under my skin.

    I should just drop the reins -so to speak- and concentrate completely on my own healing.
  13. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

    i wanted to "like" this 1000 x !!! so proud of you for taking the risk - and so happy it worked out well. woo hoo!!! keep it up!

    wanted to like this even more!! Have you read @Broken3's journal? she made much the same journey of moving from controlling/directing/hinting about her PAs recovery activities to realizing exactly what you just have - that we can only control ourselves and concentrate on our own healing. I think you would like reading about her journey.

    again - really great strides forward. I wish you peace, and marvelous self-discovery as you navigate your own recovery.

    PS - and I hope I didn't make you cry this time :)
  14. The best two sentences I have read all year! @BetrayedMermaid
  15. This ENTIRE post/comment is exceptional!! Keep reading it to yourself days and weeks from now when the dark feelings come back and try to knock you down again.

    Amazing progress!
    IamGold and BetrayedMermaid like this.
  16. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

    Sometimes I feel confident, brave and bold like this but then I go back to freaking out and wanting to control. It’s back and forth.
  17. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Thanks for cheering for me @phuck-porn! and no, this time you made me smile:)
    Kenzi and Deleted Account like this.
  18. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Yay! I will, thanks:)
  19. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Most of the time I don't feel brave or bold either. When I'm freaking out I try to follow my therapist's advice to take a moment, close my eyes and take deep breaths for 5 minutes. Then ask myself: "Do I really need to hold on to this feeling?" Sounds almost too simple but It usually helps me to calm down. The only problem is that in the heat of a moment it's sometimes hard to remember to do that.
    Also, daily meditation has helped me tremendously.
    I try to remind myself that failure is not the opposite of success. It's part of it. We fall and then we get back up again. And we do it as many times it takes for our feet to become strong enough to carry us in rough terrain.
    We will get there:emoji_heart:
  20. Girl, I completely understand (as many SO do) what you’re going through and struggling with. The different stages and you will go one step forward, two steps back.

    But in the end YES, you are so much stronger than this!
    Kenzi and TryingHard2Change like this.

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