My Commitment to Redeem Myself

2020.11.8 ------ Journey Commencement

Hi Nofap fellows,

I'm eatingout and I am new here to take on the 90 days NOFAP challenge.

A bit background about me:
I am 25 years old. I started watching porn since I was 12 years old.

I started realizing my porn addiction in 2019 August when I just graduated from my Graduate School and started a new job. At that time, I didn't really get my ideal job and I felt very disappointed about myself. I had a girlfriend back then and she was the best person I've ever met in my entire life. She is beautiful, diligent, disciplined and highly respected. I guess, I wanted a change and I want to be good enough for her. I knew there was something wrong with me and I knew I had a porn/masterbation addiction. I started to look for resources that can help me and I started my nofap journey for the first time.

It was one month since I started my nofap journey, I found myself have a severe varicocele. I don't know if it was due to my increased consciousness, I couldn't even remember whether or not I had this illness before I started nofap. My body was in a very bad condition (To a degree, where it's so painful I can't even walk). After a trip with my girlfriend, we broke up in Oct. She can't accept the fact that I didn't have any sexual encounter with her. (This is complicated, as I'm more into man physically but emotionally I connected so strong to her). I was in such a serious illness that I didn't even have the courage and guts to ask her stay.

I hit my rock bottom for sure last year. It's hard to believe that it is true, when bad things happen, they tend to come together. I was destroyed both physically and mentally. During Oct, Nov, Dec, I literally lived by counting each day. I didn't have much to expect and it seemed to me that everyday was my last day. It took me so much energy and time to just overcome my urge to watch porn and master-bating. However, I made it to 99 days. I was proud of myself.

Things went well after that, it was not until the virus came in this March, I started working from home. All these bad habits came in again. What's a bit different is that. after my first nofap, I was much more conscious this time and was able to control my urge most of the time while maintain my sexual behavior to a regular frequency mostly 2 times a week either with a casual partner or master-bate. (Which seems to me is still a lot considering how badly I used to be)

Now, I am here is because I want to do something meaningful in my life at the age with the most potentials. I don't want to waste my time searching for endless porn and sexual encounters. I want to become a better person that can live happily internally with myself. It might sound strange to many people, but I believe, INNER PEACE, not happiness, IS THE KEY STATE OF LIFE.

I used to only share my journey with one close friend on our chat, but here I am, I want to be a part of this amazing community where everyone is seeking to overcome the same issue and looking to be a better self. I feel belonging and understood here.

I'll share my journey from now on here. Every time I feel urge, I will post something here.

 

Nov. 17th.

I felt a bit tired today after work. Took a nap and now didn't feel like doing anything.

Back then, normally I would seek for some instant pleasure to wake myself up. But now, I don't feel the urge or the need to do so. I guess sometimes all you need to do is do nothing and get used to the silence around you.

I've been doing meditation for a while now and is reading a book "power of now". I think I'm starting to enjoy being with myself and listen to my feelings and thoughts without taking any actions. Observing myself is kind a spiritual experience and I think I'm starting to get it. It's the peace that matters.

8 days in. Still a long way to go.

Keep it up friends!

 

Well, started yesterday, I watched porn and masterbated....

Today, I hooked up with a guy on Grindr...

It's been a month since the last time I jerked off.. But like I expected, once I started loosening myself, I'll break the rule not once but twice... It all started with me downloading Grindr.....

One of the reasons I found was because I'm on vacation right now but I cannot really go anywhere, so I get all this time to myself that I suddenly don't know what to do... But now, I think I have a clear mind and do know what to do and to focus on.

My next goal is until next year, no PMG at all. I believe I can do it! And I will! Focus it gets better! Own it!

 

2020.11.29

Hi friends, I'm sorry I broke the rule again.

No excuse, I realized I cannot give any second thought on sexual desire. Once it started, I could not stop it....

So My next goal is till the end of this year, I will not break any PMO.

I already have a list of things that I need to work on, so I will be busy and occupied.