Porn Addiction, HOCD, anxiety, depression. HELP me.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by doctor887, Jan 9, 2019.

  1. doctor887

    doctor887 New Fapstronaut

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    Ok, i’m gonna keep this simple. Recently just turned 15, but i look and act older. I hit puberty a lot earlier than my age, and therefore, had sexual urges a lot earlier than what would be considered ‘normal’ I guess. Anyway, I’ve been entirely straight my entire life. Never had any attraction to men. In fact, gay porn revolted me so much that I completely lost boners because of it. However, I have been academically successful my entire life, but never learned to manage stress and anxiety when I would be overwhelmed.

    Here is where I believe my porn addiction started. I started relying on PMO to relieve my stress and calm myself down. It made me incredibly horny and I would have times where my brain would be trained to make me horny, like right after school, before bed, etc. At the peak of my addiction masturbating 3-4 times daily wouldn’t be unheard of.
    I became desnesitized to normal porn. Embarrassingly enough I went through stages of looking for different types of porn, ranging from shemales, beastiality and gay porn. They all originally digusted me and honestly I have never given thought to ANY any of them before my addiction, and I truly believe that my brain is deceiving me with my faulty sexual desires that have been engrained in my head as a result of excessive porn use.

    Me masturbating to gay porn triggered a horrible series of events. I genuinely thought I was gay, and started having panic attacks and intense anxiety. I would check and check, always trying to come to a conclusion about my sexuality ( I would see if gay porn turned me on and if straifht porn turned me on; the gay porn had surprisingly started to arouse me more than straight porn). I forgot about it for two weeks and went back to PMO. It happened gradually. Gay porn disgusted me, but from shemales, to gay porn, it trained my brain that this lustful behaviour was learned over time and intensity. After a while, once gay porn was giving me MORE intense orgasms than normal porn, I became almost suicidal and depressed (more than I would usually become when I would become depressed for a certain period of time). I developed horrible anxiety and it was killing me inside. I knew I was not gay; not once have I ever seen a guy in real life and wanted him sexually, romantically etc. (NOTE: I have never been attracted to MASCULINE men, but feminine, hairless, men who were basically girls.)

    Anyways, it made me question my sexuality and everything I have ever believed in my life. I started rethinking old childhood events which scared me. I have jerked off with my other friends once when I was 8. Never really thought much of it as they didn’t make me horny, I wasn’t attracted to them at all lol. I have tried anal fingering once or twice when I was younger as well. Things that many people could consider normal experimental things for young children would haunt my thoughts and trigger anxiety. I kept trying to prove to myself I wasn’t gay.
    I would look at men and find them attractive in the way that they are handsome, and definitely get a lot of women. That would be normal. My HOCD would make me think I was gay and start thinking about sex with them.

    I eventually discovered HOCD and was relieved but I never understood why I could watch gay porn now and get a boner and be very aroused when it initially revolted me. It disgusts me. I hate it and whenever I get groinal response it genuinely feel like my entire world collapses

    To make matters worse, five months prior to my HOCD, I had a girlfriend whom I really loved. I hadn’t really developed sexual feelings for her, but I really loved her. It was confusing I don’t know how I couldn’t be sexually attracted to her and love her at the same; I believe this is because of porn too as I would still jerk off to straight porn while dating her. Going one or two days without pmo was actually an accomplishment for me and i have now realized the poison that porn really is and the damage it does to our brains. It’s trauma, really.

    This is my fourth day of no PMO whatsoever and I’ve become more productive and throughout the day I am reletively fine but once I go home I start having bad anxiety attacks and doubts about my sexuality; despite having loved and been sexually attracted to women and liked several women in my life

    I really hope nofap helps my situation because if it doesn’t I genuinely don’t know what I am going to do. It’s killing me inside and I mean that literally; I honestly feel like i’m dying inside. My mental health isdeteriorating the more I think about the situation and I really need a fix. 5+ years of daily porn use and I was told that masturbation and porn is normal, so I kept going. Smh.

    I need help, do any of you have advice for me and reassurance for me that I am not really gay, and why I am not gay, and how to remove these torturous thoughts from my mind?

    It’s starting the affect my academic success and social life. Fuck this demonic disease and all the bullshit associated with porn, it’s fucking hell.
    I really hope I can overcome this shit.

    Another question: do you guys believe nofap would be truly beneficial to my situation and would remove the unwanted, lustful gay thoughts I consistently have?

    Thank you
     
  2. Arnuld

    Arnuld Fapstronaut

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    What you just wrote took a lot of guts. What you wrote is also is a classic example of how disturbingly damaging pornography addiction and escalation can be to someone’s life. I don’t know you but it sounds like your foray into gay and shemale porn is just an escalation of the addiction. The fact that you are questioning your sexulatity so much makes it highly unlikely that you are gay. Gay men know they are gay and they typically know it from a very young age. Please, please seek professional help. If you are suffering from this much anxiety and depression from this issue and having suicidal thoughts you probably need to seek out a professional sex addiction therapist. Joining nofap and starting a journey to sobriety is a great thing and a good start. But it sounds like you need real professional help.
     
    doctor887 likes this.
  3. Man wish I could of typed like that at 15. You seem like a bright dude. Anyways I can sympathise with you a lot beastiality was the last line for me as well it made me feel sick. Escalation is a real thing because you get desensitised watching vanilla or whatever else all the time.

    My honest advice? Give the porn up completely before you end up spending all the rest of your teens and twenties in a mental fog, them unwanted lustful thoughts will dissapear after a while, trust me.
     
    Fixmybrain likes this.
  4. bken

    bken Fapstronaut

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    You sound really serious and mature for your age, but in the end I think pmo addiction really causes this type of anxiety, stress and seriousness. Puberty is hitting earlier and earlier because of the hormones they put in the foods and the jerking off together with friends at 8 you describe happened to me when I was about 14 or 15. I no way does that mean you are gay, as I'm sure it happens in circle of friends all over the world.
    The hocd, the fapping to gay porn and men is all part of the desensitization. I thought it was just me doing that before sites like these came up. Also scared the crap out of me but unlike you I never really obsessed over it that bad at your age, started more around 20 for me.
    I think you're really too young to be obsessing over it. Here's what you do. Realize it's the porn that does this. If you've always liked girls irl and not guys, you know enough. Gay people are attracted to men irl so if that doesn't sound like you, give yourself a break. Stop the porn, stop the obsessing. It may linger but it really is the porn that causes these obsessions.
     
  5. doctor887

    doctor887 New Fapstronaut

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    Yea bro for sure, I'm on my fourth or fifth day with no PMO and I don't usually find myself thinking about my sexuality during the day, but later on in the evening or night for some reason my anxiety and HOCD kicks in and I start oddly questioning everything lol. The one thing that really kills me is the fact that I had gotten hornier to gay porn at the peak of my addiction and now when around guys I have some sort of groinal response which I think is misinterpreted anxiety or just the hocd taking over somehow. It's not attraction at all, its like the subtlest movement or tingling sensation. It's weird bro. I'm really dedicated on knocking the addiction and I really hope that it can go. Thanks for the advice bro
     
  6. doctor887

    doctor887 New Fapstronaut

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    Thanks bro I've knocked porn so far for about 5 days now without too many urges. It's weird actually, I would often only masturbate as a result of habit. I would almost force myself to become hard by watching porn without even being horny, and now Im experiencing a low libido. I dunno if thats normal, but i sure as hell feel more focused. How long did it take for the thoughts to leave your head and the lust to go away?
     
  7. doctor887

    doctor887 New Fapstronaut

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    The suicidal thoughts only occurred as a result of the possibility of the fact that I could be gay. I'm not homophobic towards others; in all honesty i could give two fucks what other people did with their lives. But for me to be gay, after being attracted to women for so long, confused and scared me. Now, as I look back at my porn addiction and realize my desires are porn induced, I think less about being gay but curing my porn addiction. My depression is still on and off, I've had it for as long as I can remember since I was 10 or 11 years old, I would go months without even experiencing happiness. Nofap is one of the best things that has ever happened to me though. I find PURPOSE in my life, whereas before I had no goals and thought that if I'm going to die, life isn't worth living in the first place. Now, I have goals and plans for the future and can really see myself being happy and successful in my career and social life. Thanks for the advice, everyone here genuinely helps a lot. The sites on the internet have been fucking with my head a lot lately and have been making me think I'm in denial or that I'm actually gay, when in reality I'm not. The anxiety also eased up as i realized anal porn didn't arouse me before my addiction. I was never into it, and found it quite disgusting, but now, it's almost all I go to watch. That gave me some ease in understanding that this was a result of desensitization and porn addiction, and could be reversed thanks to brain plasticity and genuine effort on my end.
     
  8. C.HNF

    C.HNF Fapstronaut

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    Look, man. This shit u r undergoing falls into the category of obsessive mental health issues (OCD). There are some strategies whereby you can deal with this obsession. One of which would be you not overthinking about it, that is, when that thought strikes, you stand there only as a bystander and think to yourself: that's not me; it's just an ephemeral mental health issue which excessive and long term P watching created within me, it doesn't represent me; and try not to react to it by saying things like, wtf is happening to me and so on; just address it and ignore it and , as time goes by, all those thoughts will fade away . Mind you, healing from OCD takes time. It goes without saying that because it took you 5 years of daily exposure to pornography to develop such mental health issues, it will also take you some time to recover from this. Just try your best to not watch gay porn or any other category of porn ever again. Tho u might question and this and doubt it, try to go vegan for the next 4 months; it helps your brain rewire and get enough magnesium, which is deemed our brains fuel, from veggies. Don't worry; OCD can be difficult to deal with but u it's still curable. AND DON'T WORRY; YOU ARE AS STRAIGHT AS AN ARROW. It's just OCD that make you overthink this. Look up some strategies to deal with OCD like the above-mentioned. You are lucky PMO only triggered a OCD issue. In my case, it triggered a very serious depressive episode accompanied with and OCD strike that kept me overthinking about going crazy. I too was watching shemale, gang bang porn and some weird stuff because ordinary porn wouldn't satisfy or ,scientifically speaking, wouldn't give me that dopamine fix that weird porn would.
    Remember, mate, you are not gay; it's just a temporary issue that will fade away the moment you release that it doesn't represent you.
    Btw, just because it's OCD and it falls into the category of mental health issues doesn't necessarily mean that you need to take anti-depressants. Anti-depressants cause PSSD ( post SSRI sexual dysfunction). There are some CBT ( Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) strategies like the one listed above. You can cure yourself using them instead of relying on SSRI's which only cause sexual problems to exacerbate.
    Much love
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2019

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