Actually I originally meant to post this link: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/reb...ues-for-dealing-with-flashbacks-and-cravings/ I've been shifting to a more meditation-oriented approach recently. See here: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/too...oters/the-truth-is-this-battle-cannot-be-won/ Meditation was also mentioned in the first link I sent. The more I think about it, the more I see that it all boils down to learning how to ignore the crap our brains produce. Sounds trivial, but we are really conditioned to analyse and try to find sense in every thought, therefore such a principle is not easy to apply. I've just started a 30 day meditation challenge. I'm using this video:
Still here. Very sober. Learning to condemn and abandon all things poisonous to the spirit and putting my trust in God. Note: I ought to stay off browsing forums like Reddit. My flesh will always lead me to an area of my heart that betrays me. Need to spend time getting better in my craft and in general. Hopefully the time I take off for the next week will allow me to remain disciplined and do this.
Still very sober, and very grateful. We're going past the point of no return against this addiction. Both in mental and in spirit. A fellow said that the antidote to this is connection- I very much believe this is the case. With a pack of lions we can conquer. Going solo or stag is not the optimal strategy. Have to stay away from qualifiers and people who can potentially jeopardize my sobriety. Particular women in the 12 step program that has made quite an impression on my addicts brain. Nothing is more important than sobriety and living it.
Still here. This is becoming a way of life...it has to. All that I currently manage to be is owed to the most high...God almighty. As long as my spirit is in tact...not perfect but in tact I should fear no emerging storm. I'm growing in myself...the best growth and the only true growth I believe.
Finally I am beginning to see clearly now what is so apparent and evident. Concentrating on what matters towards building an enjoyable life is all that matters. Everything else comes second. A early check in at afternoon...I will come back to update and give another. I feel incredible right now. I'm worth it. I. Am. Enough.
A good day. I'm closing in on what is necessary and was is irrelevant...funny enough the things that I held near and dear are the things that were destroying me. I believe that is what comes with the addiction/disease. I feel great being proactive and taking courage in my work today. I connected with people in a way I wouldn't have otherwise if I was still ensnared by this addiction. I'm not breaking it...nor do I wish to break it. Alcohol is out. The need to stop by the liquor store is out. I also crushed up some paraphernalia some days ago and stomped it into the street. I don't need such things anymore to feel alive. No. No more. It provided some introspection for me but overall...I think it adds more fog and lessens resilience. Instead I get high from my higher power (wow that was bad) Fully recovered from COVID and grateful for my recovery partner. We have some of the same struggles and we coach each other through those struggles. We are comfortable accepting although we have many character defects, which requires much time to repeal, we can override and remove these defects through the careful pursuit of God's grace. Doesn't mean we have to read 4 chapters a day of any sacred text (although they have some great parables in them and valuable lessons) turning my head to the Father and admitting I am weak for today...please guide me as you've always have when I stay close to your feet. I feel incredible today. I am enough. I plan to have a productive weekend.
Having a good day. Attended 1/2 of meetings and reached out to my accountability partner. Spoke to many people on phone today and it's becoming a lot easier to just speak my mind and be myself. Went to the gym and did a bit of cardio, weight lifting, and oogling. My oogling at the backside of curvy women is growing into...no is a habit. When I look I look many times. I shouldn't do this as this leads to festering and letting sin be dormant until if chooses to eruput. I will commit it to prayer so that I can break this habit. Grateful for another safe and sober.
The best feeling is to be in the face of opposition or urge...and you still don't decline. I love what noFap and abstinence in this 12 step program is doing. So far it's a good year and preparing for the upcoming week. Surrendering that I may not know what lies within this week; many and any thing can happen and I must accept this. I might try and wake up for an early workout depending on how I am feeling in the morning. I remember it helping my withdrawals when I focused on maintaining this in the morning. No more staying up to watch anime and Netflix. Now I will tire myself by engaging in the reading, then recovery literature, a meeting perhaps....and of course prayer. I am looking forward to the new lifestyle that the almighty has made for me. I am undeserving but God is merciful. Some things to remain aware of: When I go to the gym...the compulsion to look at women's backsides lies deep and dormant within me. Each and every day I acknowledge that I am weak to these compulsions and I surrender it both as a character defect and an area for self improvement. I am getting better at abandoning my lustful mind which says, "look" when I see a curvy women or a woman I might prefer. Also I have watched a movie and a TV series which showed nudity scenes. My mind is not set in full throttle and overdrive which is surprising but nevertheless, I have to practice the 1....2....3 rule if I am feeling triggered. 1. Escape 2. Act. 3. Resolve. I will limit my watching of such movies and television series that may evoke some kind of arousal towards pornography.
Still very much sober still very much grateful. A bit sad that I missed yesterdays' login but I assume there will be days like this. Days where I am so engrossed in working recovery and joining people, hand in hand, in my sobriety journey where I forget to come here. In that case...I guess it's okay but I really should abstain from missing these journaling's as they have the same weight as talk therapy. Yes..this is the most lovely part of my day...being here and letting it all out. Remaining transparent and alive. Today I have started the day quite well. I feel very alive and ready to take on the day. Sobriety is the only thing which I am chasing after so honestly and earnestly these days and I feel so truly alive...like I deserve to be alive. My heart is concentrated and centered on what will bring me meaning and peace. Temporary pleasures don't jump into my head until I start writing about them here and even then I have and maintain a faith from the almighty, that I can freely discuss it in this context. Spoke with my best friend of years and gave him and myself some tough love. Sometimes that is exactly what we need...tough love from the people that mean the most to us. Not the people who we would prefer to here it from. In this way, it can resonate deeply within us and we now possess the capacity to meditate on what is necessary to change our outlook on things. I am listening to this song called, Refiner and I ask the almighty to make me whole. For him to burn my beautiful, burn me righteous, burn me lowly, and burn me holy. Thank God this spiritual embrace is real..for so long I was mad...thinking when will it come. All that has happened up until this point and the days' after (no matter victory or defeat) I know it is the design and intention of God to restore me as the fierce warrior that I am.
EDIT: Just how a breakthrough. It was painful but probably the best thing I am ever going to experience for the rest of my life. I'm in tears...and emotion floods me...but so does peace.
Feeling great...on top of this addiction. Owed all to my higher power. I made what is called a 5th step in my program yesterday. It truly was a liberating and freeing process. It is odd how everything came undone after that-- in a good way. I finally got the courage to declare that I'm not interested in software engineering and I owe it to myself to study religiously for cyber field career's; instead of just tolerating this pay which is good....but...not sustainable. I wish I could transition into something more reliable and applicable. Anyway..this fear that hangs above me that kept me complacent and rigid in my current roll...is gone. It is time to sieze control of my life and speak up when I want and need something as essential as this to happen. Prayer has been putting me together. Spiritual songs heal me when my addict attempts to surface and derail my sobriety. Also going through recovery literature which is helping immensely. The gym I go to is getting packed and as a result increases the probability of trigger "yogi master's". I will remain diligent in the face but I am noticing when a sizable population such as that activates my vsmpire. It's like tasting blood for the first time.
Missed again but luckily still feeling amazing. Still feeling like I deserve to be...and belong. More than anything I am bypassing these sudden and emerging feels of anxiety. For example, anxieties about people, work, love, vulnerability. I am very tired today. Honestly, I could have stood to get more sleep....what a shame. Now I have to perform my job almost lifelessly, but the good part is my mind is in a state of criticalness and thoughtfulness as it relates to productivity and what I can improve. Had a powerful discussion with my friend last night and we went over how Niceness really is the killer of a mans' ability to be himself. Hiding behind the veil which never comes up...until his funeral. It's a bit ironic really...and would make for some good situational irony if not for how much havoc it wreaks on the lives of most men-- including myself; I am not exempt. It is now, more than ever, so pervasive that I come to terms with niceness and why exactly I might revert into this state. To please others...seems to be the leading catalyst but what is more important is that I come to please myself. It isn't by my own hand that I realize this but instead a self-revelation ushered into my life from God. I feel complete when I am honest and I resist speaking scornfully and tell myself inwardly, "Do not lie" It makes me feel honestly put together from hard times. I believe I also found my completeness in writer. Not that I am trying to be a writer but instead, I would like to be a person who writes often. My thoughts come untangled and less negative when I engage in such a process. Also listening to a lot of Audrey Assad. She has a very uniqie voice...not too beautiful but just...perfect. She's sounds exactly like how she looks...it's weird. I wonder what struggles she might have gone through herself? 1/15/21 EDIT: It is important to be well rested against this disease. It can easily sweep you and take you to a place of irrationally if you aren't careful. I wasn't close to a reset but..was starting to lose my center and stoicism. Also...super important I eat well and not trash. Turns out you can save a lot of money that way.
Still going. Spent some time with my friend in recovery earlier the evening. I felt invigorated by finally spending time with him and getting to know his full story. I will forever cherish our friendship. Was able to get my car completely fixed for a steal of a price. Thankful to my HP that I didn't have to pay an arm and leg. I hit two meetings as per usual. Will spend some time in writing 4th step, cyber security, and listening to faith music.
Having some very strange and vivid dreams. Officially in the full stage of withdrawal. Perhaps some days back I was entering it, but now I am completely in the fire. Getting burned from time to time isn't seeming to phase me. Now more than anything- I need God almighty's grace to deliver me from my thoughts that are tempting and a toxin to the spirit. Overall I am having a great day. I am spending most of my time pursuing a niche specialization that can alter my life if I just commit to it and put the time into it. The most important thing here is that I believe in it. I have- for the most part, given up on using money as my primary reason for doing something. Although it is not sensible to be broke, it also isn't sensible to be rich and broken inside. So I am at the important cross-roads in my early life which I suppose is immensely much better than being at such a check point at age 78 on my death bed. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and that is I don't wish to regret living nor be encumbered by the thought of it. I wish to live peacefully and easily if I can...and that all starts with spiritual fortitude I think. Although my earthly definition cannot measure up to what that might mean for my most high, I can only pray that wisdom be delivered to be in such a revealing fashion so that I may forego the many labors and hardships needed to reveal such a truth. Went to the gym and got in a very difficult workout. A bit down because I feel that injury that my doctor mentioned wasn't going to be a big deal (that was back in late August) now about to be February, I am wondering if I ever will be the same. Oh well. Apparently I look alright slimmed down...and I am moving away from investing most of my time in physical attributes and moving towards more mental attributes. The physical will always fail before the mental....when the mental is weak but the mental will always reinforce the physical if the mental is fortified. Saw my future wife at the gym lol! What the ****. I keep seeing her everywhere in my city...maybe God is trying to tell me something but I don't trust myself quite yet. Not to say if a conversation doesn't naturally occur between us I will avoid her. She seems like she has a great personality too. Lately I have been thinking how nice it might be to just fall in love and be intimate with someone who I cherish and care about. However, I am still in my mental programming days and have a ways to go. I am thinking of making friendships with women in the mist of this recovery as to gain a familiarity with being around them and staying grounded in the present and not in the prospective realm of sex. Ahhh...I have a ways to go...but God willing I'll get there. Also my AP buddy most likely relapsed today. I have yet to hear from him and...I am feeling a bit guilty because the one time I forward his call to voice mail is the time where he is the most triggered and going to act out. Feels especially bad after meeting up and sharing our stories. I will do a better job of being there for him no matter the circumstance if this is the case.
Yesterday missed...but Rome won't burn. I had a good day off yesterday. I am thankful of ever having a martyr such as MLK to exist. I spent most of my days browsing the internet and attending recovery literature. I could stand to use my mind a little more in a critical thinking capacity. Some areas I would love to work and improve on: Critical thinking Problem Solving Decisiveness Exercising a state of flow Abolishing all distractions that take me away from a state of flow. Ingesting and digesting the material of complex literature or text manual Patience as it relates to problem solving and not quickly jumping to being incompetent. Even Einstein spent an extraordinary amount of time solving issues. Quietness and Stoicism in the face of challenge, opposition, impulsivities, etc. Had a chat with my cousin who has been provided some mentorship for a while. He said...the most powerful people and mastered people are people who get paid to think. In any position. I've learned that although he tries to be humble...he has quite an ego. It rubbed me wrong at first but again, one has to ask themselves why. In the face of quiet confidence people(including myself but not often) can be agitated due to the kind of loud confidence I think I have to exuberate. Speaking with a fellow in the program who seems to be so grounded in figuring out my height and weight specifications (she is a fantasy addict and this is a common thing as far as what I can see so far) I said some people need quietness or to be quiet. Much to her annoyance, she went back to inquiring about my height. If only she got that there is answer in such quietness. If only I got that several years back then perhaps I could have passed all this needless pain quite easily. No...my addict speaks now. I needed this pain to break, humble, and forge me in the furnace. My AP isn't doing too well. He isn't as responsive in his messages and I am starting to sense his withdrawal towards actively communicating as we used to prior to his slip which is not to his blame but the addicts. I have been there multiple times as well and all I can do is support him through the difficulties of resetting however I should abstain from advising him like he is me. He will have to seek counsel through God and be his own vessel. Joined another WhatsApp fellowship and as I suspected, a woman who was flirting incessantly with me at one point is in it. Not particularly worried but will leave if she conjures up any "fireworks". I don't wish to be slandered or anything because I am unresponsive to her advances as I have been in real life. However, I don't live in fear because even that is a sin against God and myself. If I am guided whom shall I fear? What trial is too much for me to bear? My victory has already been announced. This new life feels great and I am beginning to grow my mane although not so expeditiously as I would like it to. Cold showers are my saving grace and discipline is my armor.
Just remembered to check in at the last moment but glad I'm here to do so. Feeling a bit irritated tonight. Not quite sure...actually that's a lie. I am mostly irritated with work, people, future endeavors. My human is trying to return over my spirit but I turn to God almighty to override it and allow me to see the path to take. Screw acting out...we're going to face this with my high power by my side I cannot fail. Got annoyed with this watch strap which was supposedly so easy to configure but doesn't seem to be working for me. I'm either too annoyed to have any patience with it, or too stupid to figure it out. Oh well...I tend to figure things out when I sleep on it. Starting to sense a bit of passive hostility from my Dad over my choice to leave my current position. He doesn't understand why I would leave when I don't have another job. I tell him...that I might have to because I can't balance my current and with the one I see in God's design. This too I will commit it to prayer...and try and get some rest tonight. I am very tired...and nothing good will come of it if I am staying up feeling bad for myself. Also there are some women in the program who I am getting obsessed with observing. I have no affinity, or affection for them but I seek to understand more than anything...who they are. I pissed off one...perhaps I pressed too hard. The other is staying far away from me as she has deemed me a trigger. It's odd...how she thinks I am a trigger without me doing anything but speaking on the calls we both attend. What strange women...but I guess I am a little strange having such an infatuation with who and what they are as well.
Feeling fantastic today. Really feeling the benefits and worth of working sobriety. Yesterday was a bit weird. Was dealing with a lot of anxiety concerning whether or not I was going to be contacted by my internal employer. I was getting super frustrated thinking...maybe this is one area that God doesn't want me to be. How should I be certain! I thought. I still have these these thoughts for the most part but they are less anger fueled today because I was able to make peace with the fact that opportunities take time to come and even when they do come...you have to be prepared! Sun Tzu said that victorious warriors prepare then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war and then prepare. It was frustrated to think of how guilty I am of going to war with no plan and hoping for a good outcome. Then afterwards if it didn't work out in my favor, I would wonder why I was selected for that opportunity/job but the truth is...I have the answer deep within my soul and that is that I am not prepared. I didn't deserve it...and all I would have done was embarrassed myself; not improve the necessary skills needed in order to perform that job in it's fullest capacity. Starting to realize that everything is for a reason...and has a natural process which is not to be disturbed. In disturbing it...the consequences are living in bondage, feeling inferior, low self-esteem, etc. Checked in with my accountability partner today some edging behavior that I engaged in yesterday. I have to be careful...that on days when the storm rages a bit harder...it will be easy to act that I can just withstand. Prayer leaves me fortified against the storm for sure, but nothing keeps me completely protected or feeling completely confident I should say then checking in with my accountability partner. Also thinking of starting a local fellowship with my friend.
Vulnerability is at the heart of all solutions. For me there is nothing more important than the ability to stay honest and transparent. To remain prayerful and intact. Starting to realize the absurdity of it all to try and manage it all by oneself. I never had a swinging chance against this addiction...at all. Letting go and accepting this...has been the most liberating thing ever which allows me to live in the now. Stepping into myself.. I suppose. It feels so right do what is right. Had a good day... connected with brothers in real life and in the program this weekend. Honestly, I wish I could have been more productive however....I could have definitely worked a bit more in the realm of cyber security and my step in the program. Overall, I feel very whole...after this weekend especially because it was spent around the only true friends who I can call good friends. They have their defects and I have mine...but the beautiful part about life is learning to accept this defects irrespective of the indifferences it may create. I am starting to realize how useful it is to plan my days before hand if I can. As long as the ideas of today are down for tomorrow....I seem to get on quite fine. This upcoming week I want to concentrate on giving a committed effort each and every day. I have to admit...I have been taking it quite easy at my job pending a possible transition into another one. I have to realize that nothing is set in stone and go after my current duties and responsibilities with a hungry heart. I cannot relax because I will just be meeting the team which in reality, could mean nothing if I am not prepared for the opportunity. I will have something to talk about when I am all that call, and market myself. I can also stand to improve the skills which are necessary for the job at hand. I seem to be watching a lot of House of Cards and admiring the disposition of characters like Frank...but I need to implement his methods and his ruthlessness with myself. Also a brief check in with the yoga bunnies at the gym. Starting to get a lot more of those noFap benefit/super power that people talk about. Women are seeming to just....respond more to me. It's actually quite insane. Even when I am acting aloof I can feel their eyes on me and when I turn to look at them they quickly turn their head away from me as to convey that they have no interest. I find this funny more than anything so I often just smirk, signifying that I'm warmer than they think but I never approach. Don't quite trust myself there yet...as I seem to always come off in this way which makes women losing attraction for me; viable candidates for romance at that. Not quite sure what it is....perhaps I missed the lesson in seduction at an early age. Nevertheless, I don't think to much in this realm since I know my higher powers' design is inclusive of having a healthy sexual and emotional life. Confidence is not something that can be decided in a moment...it must be a skill that is cultivated overtime in any craft/pursuit this rule holds true.
I am so lucky to have men and women by my side who can restore me back to sanity when I feel my earthly mind invading my presence. When I feel the insanity of it all...happening around me...they pull me back into the graces of recovery. More than anything...I can stand to be more persevering in my efforts to be a man of virtue and practice self-resilience not to be conflated with self-reliance which has brought me to my knees several times. I thank God for this realization and acceptance of this weakness. I now know more than anything...what has been missing has been a sense of relief and love of self. Diving into to enlightenment and spiritual principles has provided a a great deal of relief in the wake of the storm. Yesterday went to the gym got in an awesome workout with a friend like usual. I am doing a better job at denying myself the pleasure of looking at a women's backside but I still have ways to go.... Yesterday this very attractive girl (once a fucking gain) expressed interest in me. She constantly batted her eyes in my direction but I had this hesitation...in my heart that I know is stemming from past failures and sexual incompetency- ouch. Hard fucking pill to swallow but also the only pill to swallow when you've prescribed yourself porn induced ED for the past 18 years. Deep down...I worry if the same thing will happen again and I will be rejected and consequently feel dejected with these women. I am just far in my head too much...and it forces me out of the possibility that I am no longer what I once was. Really the action of sexual relations comes after meeting someone typically but that is not to deny the tension which exists quite naturally between a heterosexual male and female who are attracted to each other. Gah...her stare is still fresh in my head. I do believe my energy and vibration is going to such a point where the negative isn't so negative anymore...and I can actually be around people and be myself. I am starting also to care less of the judgements people have of me...which is not to be synonymous with with having a disregard with other peoples opinions. In fact....although it pains my addicts' ego to admit this the perspective/opinion of the people in my fellowship have a greater impact than my own ever could as it relates to recovery- my ears are constantly receptive to them. Some disagreements naturally, but I am in a constant accepting state as oppose to defensive state. Woke up this morning thinking of all the losses I have created for myself with attractive women and what they must say about me in closed doors. I often get disgusted at how I behaved in social settings, parties, etc. I was so antisocial it was sickening...made me want to throw up honestly just recalling it this morning. I also had a moment when I tried to go to sleep...but then something...I don't know quite what...shook me out of my sleep and I was in fear (this was before the recalls) I guess that set the nightmarish stage for the evening. Oh well...the mind is there but it cannot use me since I acknowledge that I am not my mind. More on fear later tonight maybe. Looking forward to my friends first step and the gym later.
