Relearning Human: From cub to lion

11/3/21
Did some cyber sec work, went to the gym, attended a meeting. Overall I can say the day was pretty standard. At the gym, tattoo girl wearing the standard "give me attention" starter pack. Wasn't phased, just kept grinding through my squat session. It feels good to say I have my edging sobriety still and that I didn't allow my mind to preoccupy with temporary fantasies.

At the gym I began to think how anti-social some people can be. Perhaps it's perceived notion, perhaps they just don't like me. Either way...it doesn't matter I suppose. I am reminded of something I read in Marcus Aurelius' Meditations...earlier today and that is...to "Not be concerned with the clattering of tongues."

Came across an interesting video that was titled How people live a miserable life or something. Was pretty interesting...and I would agree with a lot of the sentiments and points made in it. One of them being not living for what is. Trying to appease and conform beyond a margin I know is only due to shrink us.
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Well, not much to say for this day. I got some decent work done at work but still would say that I spent majority of the week at work with my own affairs. This is a dangerous habit which if I don't cull at the onset, will become a fatal force in my career. In the old words of Mississippi South- I best be careful.

Really taking an interest in problem solving and not looking for the solution immediately for things as it relates to Cyber world. I realize that the most prominent tool a IT specialist can have in his/her arsenal is the ability to be thoughtful. It's easy to ask or seek the solution but to understand it to a degree of proficiency typically requires a large degree of patience and mental fortitude. Both of which I would regard as completely and utterly untrained in my arsenal.

Day 4 without phone. It is odd how at peace one can feel without things they think are important. Only really is a phone considered imperative because the human psyche says it is, but there are plenty of people who have went without before the emergence of smartphones. The attachment to it has brought more problems and social ineptness that I ever would have thought to be present in my life. I am not blaming the smartphone I think but instead acknowledging my the abuse and overuse that could potentially generate from too much usage.

Getting to the point where I NEED prayer. Two things...if I don't pray or make amends tonight I think the whole world is bound to spill over. I actually have no way in which I can access pornography and I am thoroughly grateful for that. A lot of my car drives have been filled with guilt, contemplation, humor, sadness, hopefulness, embarrassment, annoyance, pride, anger, resentment, worry, etc. A plethora of emotions that I say consist of more negative emotion than positive. Most of those negative emotions stems from my inability to be a good son. It is hard to be a good son when pornography forces you to always think about yourself. I felt shame because of how explosive and reactionary I've become as of recent. In the car at the end of my self-debilitating coupled with self-pity I thought to myself...wait...you have good qualities too. You deserve happiness and people deserve to partake in that happiness. You can live the life you've always wanted if you leave porn behind." I kind of chuckled to myself as I drove down my block and just recounted the several moments where I did have some form of recovery in my life. I was good to others...never quick to rage and myself.

The evil one wages war against me each day but I won't wave the white flag. I owe myself an explanation as one of my favorite motivational speakers would say. I don't have to be unhappy...there is the right thing and the wrong thing.

 

Peace is important...anything and everything must be done to protect that. Without peace is a mans life worth living. I would say it's possible for him to live that life, but he will not be content. Always wanting for more to overwrite the void which forever eats at his spirit.

I will pray after this. I will pray. If I do not I will not come back here to write down what I think I should since anything that I do write hereafter would be a toleration of my current character and that's all I have to say for that- I know what I must do.

Staying away from porn. Had a frightful dream during my nap after work where I was browsing pornography. I've had dreams such as this where I believe my spiritual conscience is under complete siege by the evil one within. This usually calls for evaluation of spirit. Generally when such dreams come, spiritual cleanliness is in order. I can only go so far without prayer and I know this. I might abstain for thirty days off the force of my own sheer wheel but eventually my spirit caves and bends toward what my inner child wants: submission to my vices.

I would say I had a good "critical thinking week" but I did not have a good productive week. My mind was spent in silence on multiple occasions though. I got to hear the inner conversation/dialogue which I often try to drown out with the sound of music of deadening conversation. This allowed me to listen intently and accept the chatter traffic coming in and out, no matter how much I want to detach myself from between it. I am realizing that there is virtually no greater mission within a day than to listen to this voice that is often objective through it's feedback.

Starting to get eyes in my gym. Sometimes I wonder if I am similar to John Nash from A Beautiful Mind when his own mind betrays him and begins showing him things that aren't real- to a lesser degree that is. I think it is easy to come up with things that aren't even occurring in early sobriety and that can be detrimental for ones developing of relationships with people.

Some time ago I stumbled across a video that the reason why people abuse porn is because they crave healthy intimate relationships with people, a place in society, or overall- a life worth living and I would agree 1000%. The absence of those things in my life is painfully obvious. My life has consisted of short pleasures with women and shallow friendships that often do not evolve past their origin of development. That was a weird way to say my friendships don't grow they stay the same lol.

Anyway if I want to change that...I should invest though and concern in these departments. If I want to be a man and truly be a man(not by anyone's standard) but simply by my own measure of what I deem it to be irrespective of their approval it starts from within. It starts with working towards it day in and day out. Not nullifying my emotion and feelings toward it.

Might be back by tonight...going to the gym after prayer and an overdue apology.

 

11/6/21
A good day because I invested wisely in yesterday. I once wrote something similar some years ago and seemed to have lost the merit and practice in realizing it. I am thankful for it entering into my inner matrix once again.

It's a Satruday...and you know what that means? Your staying in and doing work. Well, I should say that I am staying in and installing a potentially "new graphics card" into my rig. I say potential because I don't know how to stop worrying whether or not the GPU I bought from this dude is really what it is. It is factory sealed and he was so ready on providing the serial number for this highly coveted and not so available (thanks Crypto miners/Scalpers) GPU. In worse case...I suppose I could call the police or something but I'd probably be too enraged to do that. Well...in any case regardless of what MAY be...I will not compromise my sobriety. 98% chance of it being a legit GPU though.

Apologized yesterday for outburst. Explained it in a rationale way and surprisingly it was received well. Still partially annoyed with Mother though. Looks like I'm going to have to commit that to prayer as well. I don't want to leave any room this month.

Went to the gym and put up some good numbers for a de-load day. It feels good to hit numbers and be strong because of abstinence. I also feel less disturbed being around people. Like I can be me natural self and there isn't much more to prove after that. In fact- there is nothing to prove after that.

Ran into a self-proclaimed multi-millionaire at the gym. At first I thought, Who is this dude....wasting my time with his lies. However, the more he talked the more I realized he might be telling the truth. Either way, I think it was an interesting conversation regardless if it was truth or lie. I noticed he had a compulsive need to talk about his assets and how regular of a guy he is. He was also defensive when I made a certain face which in no way was suspicious but more surprised when he said he bought an Aventura for 1.5 million. I kind of chuckled internally when that happened. Either way he gave me a lot of to think about which was that money really doesn't buy happiness.

Alright think I'm going to take a look at the 3080 ti and hope that it is what it is. Let's see....

11/6/21 : UPDATE
GPU card is legit and I'm excited to test it's capabilities. Pretty good day....and happy to still be without my phone.

 

This is so good. Excited to read this despite how late it is over on the E. Coast. Be at peace bro and thanks for stopping by.

 

11/8

Still sober for both edging and regular sobriety. Got a good work out in albeit not making time for engineering. This is a bad habit and I worry that I am using working out as an excuse to not deal with my lack of competency or I should say proficiency in certain areas of Cyber Security so we'll work on that.

Went to gym and had really good conversation. Worked out super hard and entire body hurts. Didn't want to type a journal tonight but after getting off a phone with a brother in the program I realized how imperative it is to combat what the brain constantly wants to be mediocre at.

Went to gym with father. Stuck around to do more work but secretly I was hoping to end in conversation with an attractive girl in a different area of the gym. Instead- a even hotter girl randomly spawns. That was tough but I'll survive. I didn't edge off her which allowed me to notice the feeble attempts that us addicts have for the female body. Once I saw her in my peripheral I had to start playing the holy music to override my addicts thought. It's getting real spooky in terms of temptations but I'll survive.

Phone is back and so are potential threats. Definitely will take care to exercise caution.

Going to sleep after cleaning dishes (even thought I don't want to) and ending with a prayer.

 

Men must be a leader of their life. As I get older, and begin to watch the men around me, the consequences are more apparent and unavoidable. To deny that there are any, are completely futile...a waste of my energy reserves. I think the capacity to do this is so valued that often times men who are either amoral or lacking any kind of virtue or intellectual possession are often in a position to win and be part of the cabinet of officials who make important decisions in society. While I don't have an aspiration do be of this disposition...I can say that the evidence is surmountable-- even indisputable. All that matters is how well you're able to execute without hesitation in this society the rest is just sprinkles. I believe the acquistion of this skill comes from two places. 1. Nature or nurturer conditions which allows for this sociological disposition to be cultivated or 2... idk maybe it being ingrained from positions of subservience. Since in order to lead effectively, you must first follow. Not in the way in which the wigs have curated that we must follow mindlessly, but follow with an intent and purpose. I must chase that purpose relentlessly.

This is something that came to mind after sleeping with an acting out partner. It immediately evoked the emotion of disgust and regret since I had not lead anything up until the decision; I was playing defensively. Simply because of the lack of initiative or rather wherewithal to make the decision that I needed to make the first move that I was unsure of how to make. I never wish to feel this way again with any partner. That even if I am not attracted I should be able to have some leadership of self to resist the temptations of her altogether. I never wish to be swayed outside of what I want to do and the starts today after many years of not having lived like this.

I read somewhere that men are in pain not by what afflicts them...but because of the discovery that a man has the power he needs within him to overcome that pain or adversity. It is this reality which I so desperately avoid. The consequence however, is only for myself to endure and witness. If I wish to change that I need only to persist in my dealings with this reality. Evasion of it is....futile.

Work, gym, film, study, recovery.

 

I woke up after having some strange dreams but they did not displace me nor they shake me into a violent kind of recall with sexual escapade. For the first time it just was what it was. I am choosing not to dwell on it...as it has no place in my mind to occupy for the day to come.
Woke up, routine, podcast. I do not need need this routine. The minute it becomes a schedule which I must adhere to at all cost-- I'm dropping it. This is because even things that I create for myself to improve my life can still become a form of addiction or rather a compulsion which in my definition is still a form of bondage. I exert control over my routine not it over me.

Starting to break in a bit more recovery little by little. Spoke with sponsor yesterday and although we did not get to chat for long, in our short exchange he encouraged me to pray for the girl I acted out with. He asked me an important question and that is, "Do you think she could be one of us?" immediately I thought to myself and without a shred of doubt at that- HELL YES but I still hesitated as I realized this would not afford me the luxury of revisiting her at late nights. Seconds after I admitted and he then instructed me to pray for her. My addict popped up of course, "Here we go with this corny s***". As it always does. Now I am beginning to understand how Elliot from Mr. Robot feels. Nevertheless, I prayed for her and achieved a release from my shame, guilt, and compulsion to go see her. It seems that in due time I will be able to once again express why we cannot be together nor maintain this contract of pretend "FWB".

Heading to the gym later to do film work with a friend. I am finding it much easier to be warmer and generally friendly to people man and women. I am happiest when I am being kind to people and greeting them with a smile I am beginning to notice. This combats any symptoms of the drying out phase and provides a natural high necessary for me to return to when my addict decides to wage war against me. I am beginning to notice the reciprocity of women's glances a lot more often and that also feels pretty dope but it is no where high my extrinsic motivational factors list. In fact, I would say that list growing increasingly small as days pass by.

I want to overcome something today. To really break past the mental limitations of what I cannot do in this gym promotional video. I believe there exist a great ability for me and this new friend of my mine to breakthrough our thresholds of exhaustion. I know it's possible and that the only limiting factor is that which I impose on myself before I arrive at the gym. I want to get smarter and more stoic today. It won't be all jokes today but I am on a mission to best the man that appeared in the mirror yesterday.

 

Still sober, more importantly still recovered.

In the phase of war on my mind. It's intense but a necessary discomfort in order to break out the comfort loop which keeps me trapped in a perpetual state of delusion and entitlement. It is important to go through this phase relying on anything other than my own self will. My biggest defeat was coming to the acceptance that I possess neither the resilience nor spiritual discipline within myself to deal with this phase. However, it also granted me a great deal of humility.

I woke up because I had a sexual dream. I actually thought I had "O'ed" and I began to panic. Simply being because in these thirty days I have vowed to not suffer a defeat that my mind is in the position to prevent. I need only suffer a defeat if my mind is in a state of great resistance and cognitive dissonance resulting from life situations.

I am talking to women on the side. I shouldn't be doing it. Mostly because I am finding ways for my addiction to objectify these women. (e.g, nocturnal emission). The interactions are smooth but admittedly, my motives are questionable. Although friendly for now, there is the background tune playing saying, "hurry up and sleep with them". This tune is easily resisted with the help of God almighty but it concerns me how loud it is at times. I doubt I will take it down that path but it's something to meditate on. Be in control of your mind when it comes to women...do not let them occupy your head rent free while you toil over whatever witty/stupid/embarrassing joke you're so desperate to tell.

Managed to detach from wedding girl after I gave my self the infamous blue balls. Purposely going over and denying myself from her that day proved to be a great benefit...as painful as it was. I don't see myself doing such a thing again. In hindsight it was unnecessary and childish and I must admit that. What is the point of sniffing food you will not eat repeatedly?

I have a schedule that I adhere too now. It's not a perfect thing but I am working on it. It seems I am able to do a lot of the things I want to do or things that I have predetermined as being largely beneficial in my recovery such as making my bed, brushing teeth, keeping a tidy room, etc. However...things that are of greater importance and essentiality such as studying for a certification that will provide career growth seem to escape me. I must remediate this. I've already determined that although this may not be my permanent means to an end it most certainly is a means to an end and I believe it would be in my best interest to commit mental effort to it. There is this internal dialogue that is saying to pursue my passion which is fitness and digital marketing concerning it but I have to just the process. I have to trust that it will all line up as the great late Steve Jobs said in his address to those Stanford graduates. Eventually I know there will come a clashing point where I might not be all that invested in security but for now it is and will be my current purpose. Period.

There are things I do without fail every day...this will foster discipline. Even on days where I do not wish to, this is when I especially must.
1. Pray
2. Train
3. Core workout + 100 push ups at gym or better @home
4.Brush teeth in morning, make bed.
5. Plan day

I'm on the war path today. Discomfort is my ally...an opportunity to get better and stronger. The abuse of substance, pornography, or drink is an escape from this duty. Time to lock and load.

 

It's been that long huh. Thankful for recovery. Thankful for the almighty for blessing me with this much time away from the madness that is P addiction. For the first time I sit here writing this with contentment and an air of appreciation for what's to come in the upcoming week.

I think the best thing I could have ever done was get my ass kicked in BJJ. Being a huge guy with a decent amount of strength, it was humbling to be defeated by guys who possessed what appeared to me (and still very much does) a super power. Doesn't matter how big or small you are the martial art rewards all who commit to it all the same. It's like recovery. You get what you put in.

I've been sober for a while now. I believe I have survived the dreaded drying out phase and now I am simply going through this weird flat line where I don't have much motivation nor drive to pursue sexual discourse with women. The thought comes up from time to time, but they aren't as aggressive. I am starting to gain "lid control" with the help of my higher power and it feels amazing. I do not permit sexual escapades to intrude on my day...at this point. I remain humbled by the fact that at any point I can have a sudden urge that overwhelms me however and so I do not wish to grow too prideful to think that I am above that reality.

Er what to say today man...oh. Wedding girl hit me up along with a weird female fellow who used to get off by fantasy and intriguing off me. It happened simultaneously. I took the right action on the F&I lady but wedding girl not so much. I texted her in a post drunk mortem last night after she initiated contacted "Wyd tn". This is code for: "Hey, are you free to have sex tonight?" We texted a few times more but I ultimately fell asleep from sheer exhaustion and partial inebriation after downing about 9 or ten over done wings. Today I followed up by letting her know that I shouldn't come over to "fix" things between us. That fixing is quite ironic and that more breakage and confusion would be the result instead. For the first time ever- I let it go. Although tempted to say something in response to her, "Fine, I'll leave you alone."

The party last night...what a freaking disaster. Just boring. Same things...over and over again. Perhaps the flatline had something to do with this but I can rightfully say that I was in a state of withdrawal from people. I also felt a ton of creeping social anxiety as people I knew from my past continuously approached me. It brought up some memories and resentments towards some particular characters but for the most part I was able to let it go. Some girl came up and started dancing on me. I couldn't have been less entertained. My body aches and fatigue completely overpowered my will to enjoy the event. Probably for the best as I have no business being there in the first damn place.

Overall it was a bad night and an even worse night to go out since I was sick. Went to bar and decided to trigger myself with the population of girls whose bodies were more uncoordinated than a newbie trying to learn the bachata.

Things that have been working are:
Sticking to routine
Going after purpose and ignoring viscosity
Reading
Eating healthy
Being my genuine self
Tuning into the Jocko podcast; listening to discipline and stoicism audios
Outreach

Things that will create hardship and pain if I continue doin them:
Flirting with girls in DMs > back to the hard stuff
Edging > Fantasy Cycle> Porn> Misery
Eating bad for me foods > Dopamine> Beer> Porn> Misery
Texting wedding girl>fantasy>curiosity>dopamine>relations>misery
Isolation and not reaching out> Pride> Ego> Misery> Relapse

 

Thanks for stopping by bro...be blessed.

Cheers.

 

Looking back now at this man...it all makes sense. I no longer feel that irritability I once did upon interacting with him at that time but instead peace and partially, solace knowing that some men like you've stated already require that external validation in order to be validated. That will naturally happen so long as any man attempts to forego the journey of introspection...myself included. I am at peace knowing there will be more like him bro.

Cheers and let's continue the good fight.

 

As my body began to tire I realized I was doing it again. I was slowly finding a way for weakness and mediocrity to creep back into my spirit. I was disgusted with this and shook myself from my bed just now. Sitting here in my seat I realize that I am not even tired. Not nearly as tired as my brain would have me believe I am. This is what it means to be a man...to keep going despite the fatigue or mental lethargy. Firstly, my fatigue is self-inflicted...and I must acknowledge that. I had the power to prevent myself from being tired. I did not have to go to sleep late but because of poor time management I now suffer the next day. I am reminded of the creed I took when I entered into my brotherhood. Responsibility: the choices I make do not only effect just me.... because I defied this reality life is now delivering the retribution or rather lesson that I need incur so it doesn't happen in the near future. I can start by using my time effectively today. I can make a difference by thinking differently.

A dream of acting out with a partner came up last night. As I came to, I realized that I have the decision to let this thought dictate how I am going to behave the rest of the day or I could surrender it there and now. Luckily I was able to choose the latter which greatly effected the spirit of my day. As I gain recovery I am starting to realize how a easy it is to move away from this spirit of self-demoralization when things begin to happen to me that I perceive as being my world end. There is no such thing for a man I think...only what he allows to be considered that first in his mind.

The greatest blessing I came across as of recently was Cus D'amato (may God rest his soul) teachings or rather philosophy of fighting. He speaks of fear...and how it can incapacitate a man or be the fuel necessary to drive his car. It is all dependent upon his mindset and what he chooses to do. The hero and the coward share the same cape.

Even when it is easy to make the wrong decision I will begin to make the right decision. I will rise above my petty worries and achieve a level of both mental and spiritual resilience grounded in God's will for me.

 

This will be a rant. I think one of the most catastrophic mistakes a man can make is looking to find meaning in things that aren't alive. Things that have no significance, things that are dead, things that have no proof. Despite this fact, the pursuit of this illusion is both astonishing and perplexing. Why do I pursue something that has no evidence of happiness. I am not talking about pornography although that is definitely inclusive of what I speak about. I have much to get off my chest.

I got a new job last year. It made me realize how unhappy I actually am in life. How stagnant and confused most people all are really and that of course the root of all addictions is a silent suffering most refuse to address. Me being the Shepard of one of those herds. I too live in silent suffering just trying to pretend that there is some meaning behind most things that I do. Hoping that someone tunes into my radio show one day and gives me a silent thumbs up. No verbal communication between us since that might bring to life the human instinct that lie somewhat dormant within me but enough dedication to this pity party.

I'm tired man. Tired of convincing myself I am doing something in this world worthy of others approval. I want to be seen as the geeky engineer, the model, the actor, the fitness guy, the creator...all pathetic acts of trying to compensate in areas where I've failed to rise up within myself. It doesn't even have to be deeper than that really. It's really something as simple as wearing a mask for too long. I believe Jim Carrey said something to the effect a long time ago but I'm sure I'll skewer it.

In this journey I've managed to deal with resentments, shames, fears, and angers that occupied my head rent free. I managed to deal with a small fraction of them but the lasting and more significant ones that require a new paradigm of thinking are so glaring it's not even funny. I am disturbed at the shape they take in my day to day life.

I went to a wedding tasting and saw how happy people were on the surface. Briefly I was shocked and terrified into silence until my brothers soon to be MIL shocked me out of my trance with a poignant and meaningless question concerning my apparel. I was thankful for her inane commentary it brought me some sense of relief. I began imagining what if these people weren't really all that happy deep down; a kind of jealousy and cynicism that rears it's ugly head from time to time although having some sparring truth to it maybe. Then I also thought where is my own relationship of long term. Where is my wife. Suddenly I was at home downing three gunner stouts and relapsing on pornography. I ran and ran and still ended up in place. Nothing short of a nightmare. A nightmare is a reflection of a tortured subconscious maybe.

A couple steps to take towards my personal happiness. Admitting that I don't quite know what the hell I am doing and need guidance and mentorship as a result. Begin walking on a path with intent and not wishful thinking; hoping that all will just work itself out. Stand up in situations when I know it will impact my personal happiness long-term this requires some foresight. Sticking to something I truly believe in and despite what any opposing voice may say...sticking to it and be relentless at it. Perhaps one of the best and only things I can do for myself. I give up way too easily on passions and thing I say I believe in. I let my emotions dictate the kind of day I am going to have and it brings me nothing more than inner turmoil and regret. So I ought to stop doing this but of course it's easier said than done.

Blockers work as effectively as chemotherapy; it's an eternal struggle of whether or not which is what ultimately must be cured. When I downed those 3 stouts I found myself pinned between those crossroads. I grow disgusted knowing that those videos were circulating in my head. I knew the disease had gotten a hold of me once I drank that champagne at the wedding tasting. I felt angry knowing that I had let it seep into my conscience. I felt angry at my parents who at the time nonchalantly ordered me to get them two glasses of wine. The whole affair was awkward and made for a kind of weird spectacle. Between the annoying servers who incessantly ask, "How is it?" every 1 minute and the fake smiles I had to generate to appease there robotic question.

I'll be back tomorrow hopefully when I'm in better spirits this is growing tedious.

 

I have made a crucial and devastating mistake. The mistake that has kept me trapped in this cycle of relapse and misery for a good majority of my entire life. Not even my own brothers upcoming wedding is enough to keep me from acting out. My job promising a monetary incentive if I complete a task- is not enough. I feel guilty and angry with myself knowing that I have let myself down in the same way I have been letting myself down. In the heat of addiction- I am unable to be the man that God almighty has called me to be. I have failed miserably trying to kill this demon on my own. I may have the tools but I do not have the strength. At the beginning of the new year I thought things ought to be different since it was a new year but life doesn't guarantee anything unless you make the sacrifice for it to happen. A kind of revelation approached my mind last night after talking to my sponsor. It's either the programs way or my way and my way has availed me nothing.

A kind of fearsome thing happens when you binge. When you binge there is a kind of heavy apathy that rests on the spirit; it crushes a man completely and saps whatever life force that was available for his existing. When you binge you don't mind skipping the gym (getting weaker) when you binge you don't mind staying dirty (getting lazier) when you binge you wish to hide in the dark crevices so that no one can see you. Your paranoia increases in situations that are illogical. The entire mind is completely and utterly pitiful. Knowing all of this...shows the hardships of an addiction and what it takes from a person. A persons peace.

I imagine I will continue to suffer as I have if I do not fully surrender to both God and my fellowman to break the yoke of this addiction. When I first created this journal it was something of a childish aspiration. I wanted to show anyone who stopped by here that it is possible to be sober to provide some light in the darkness of of this addiction. I felt trapped and crushed behind this imaginary servitude to people looking on but it is not about that. It never was. It was about achieving recovery within a community of people who are afflicted in the same way I am. If someone happens to benefit from that then thank God for using whatever good left in me to reach them..

The truth is I am scared of disappointing myself and people. I am terrified of failure and I have many fears that prevent me from roaring as loudly as I could. I am scared that if I am to develop myself and show myself to the world that it still wouldn't be enough. Deep inside there is a shame that exerts itself on my will this is what returns me to using each and every time. However, there is also a voice of reason that projects itself before a slip/critical error that ensures my relapsing. I am learning to listen and put my trust in this voice because it seems to be the only thing in me that wishes to return me to a state of peace. I thank God for this voice despite my worst efforts in listening to it.

I went through some documents on my desktop a couple days ago and amongst those documents were writings of hope and promise. They were filled with aspirations to be sober and were quite well thought out. However, a lot of them admittedly- were superficial and did not possess a deep enough why as to why I must persist in recovery. Why I must remember to truly surrender every day in and day out. Why I must swear off what might be the equivalent of a siren den. I admit that a large portion of my wants two years ago when I first began my efforts against this disease were not fully grounded in reality never mind a purpose. I needed boundaries. Half measures...truly avail me nothing. These are the elements of serenity that call out to me that I'll be focusing on and see where they bring me for the rest of this month

1. Prayer
2. Admission
3. Spiritual discipline
4. Purpose
5. Honesty
6. Stoicism

Hopefully I can keep my word and keep coming back here. It pains me not to keep my word. It pains me not to do the right thing.

Cheers to starting over.

 

I am happy to be sober 5 days from pornography. Although there is some resentment towards myself for being motivated for superficial and shallow reasons. I am suddenly more prayerful now and open to any and all methodologies if it means not experiencing a painful embarrassment with a potentially new partner. I feel rather angered that I've lived my life like this up until now; leaving problems to be handled at the last moment. However, there is hope. Things are looking up and there is reason to believe that I can in fact have a recovered life. It all starts with saying I can. If in any event I do end up experiencing the dreaded PIED / PA I will make up my mind to not let it bury me. As heavy of a burden as it might be...I think there will be much benefit in facing this fear. If I am a man...I have to face adversity with a brave heart no matter or despite the possibility of failure. Anything worthwhile...means risk and trying. So I might as well do.

Pretty good day. Made some calls to people, hung out with a friend. Paid my bills. Got a raise but didn't focus too much on my purpose. I will make an effort to concentrate my efforts towards that tomorrow.

 

Yeah I feel pretty good today. I think I'm going to start giving God all the credit when things are going well. Really that's what has been my saving grace these past 9-10 days. I ought to recognize that in meditation today. It is critical for me to experience serenity in silence when things begin to rage from the inside out.

Let me get honest. I'm experiencing some anxiousness surrounding sexual intimacy with a girl I'm interested in. I shouldn't be looking to sleep with her anyways. I am either going to declare that I won't or declare that I will and I know this. Uncertainty isn't respected...it yields little to no result. Perhaps I'll tell her altogether that given my current state I'm not suitable to be with anyone at the moment but my ego says you can do it. "Just try"

 

I’m back.

it’s funny this….addiction is not impossible to deal with. It is not this grandiose evil that is so strong that even in the face of rationality it remains. Instead…it is the conceived notion that because there has been so many defeats, errors, blunders, and cause for sorrow then it is therefore impossible to remove such a mountain from a life. This is the constant and ever pervading experience of the addict in most cases- in my case.

Where am I at? I used to think my job was the source of my unhappiness and misery. That all the things that bothered me in the past and the present were a result of some unknown and unidentifiable force. Now that I am two or three years older from when I first stated this, I can say that the source of my demise is my own thinking. A thinking of intellectual charlatanism mixed with a sprinkle of cynicism concerning recovery and what I need to do to stay sober. On today's meeting which I have been making a better effort to return to I realized just how wrong I have been. How I've been trying to have my cake and eat it too. Sleeping with women, engaging in promiscuousness affairs with them, drinking excessively, going clubbing in the hope of risque and unfulfilling encounters with them. I thought it was all possible to maintain. Under this guise or rather self-deception, I've grown more miserable and unhappy with my life choices. I am once again unemployed, my adult duties are not in order, for God's sake I haven't cleaned my car in months. I can't remember when I last cleaned it but I know in my heart that my putting it off is a representation of me putting off my willingness to commit to recovery. Now I should do something I haven't done ever.

But why?

I am scared. Period. I am scared of failure and letting myself and God down. I am scared and bothered by the reality of not being able to entertain the enjoyments of my flesh. I am scared that I will fail like I always have. This is why is bothers me to get around individuals who seemingly have their life together I am reminded that I am like this persistent bacteria that keeps returning to the subject of it's infected. I am persistent in my ways of thinking and living and that has got to change. I am too scared to have a committed relationship because deep inside I know I have not done the work and that I am scared of fucking things up as I always have. I am scared of not being recognized for what I think I am the most good at which is fitness and content creation. I know that I am giving that a half effort too and as a result this is why I am not able to engage my audience and grow as a micro influencer. Bitterness and contempt overrides my body when I see half-naked women getting likes and approval ratings simply because sex sells in this dark cesspool we call a world but why am I a pessimistic? I think there is another layer to this onion. I am powerless and instead of finding a way I would rather give in and engage in this kind of demonstration that is not really aligned with my character values. Dancing all the time, being the jester, I've abandoned my position because I've looked to another and grew envious of their result. This is the disgusting and abominable truth but nevertheless the truth and I am sure there is more.

What I accept is that without prayer and being in close spiritual contact with God I WILL fall each and every time. It might not be the day of, and it might not be even a month from that day but the minute I go back to these ways of being that is when I will find an inevitable ruin. The only way out of this vortex is to stick close to what works and has worked. That is the process of spiritual rehab. This will be difficult and not for the sole reason that I am trying to accomplish this in recovery but because I must trust GOD all the way. Half measures avail us nothing as the program says. I will set my sights on listening to others more than I speak since the current thinking that I imbue as my current self holds no value in this dilemma. I recognize and accept this condition just as I accept the condition of maintaining a spirit of honesty, transparency, and integrity with my fellow brothers in the program. I will disclose to them my source of anxiety, anger, fear, resentment, sadness, loneliness, boredom, etc. New things are coming up in my life and I want to be here and present in the now for it. If I am not...I will surely fall to my old ways and stumbled ten-thousand times more than I already have.