Instead of random posts I have decided to keep a diary of my journey. I am hoping I can forgive my husband for the hurt and pain his addiction has caused me. I don't want to go back to what we were, I want to move forward to what we can be. I don't know where we will be in a years time, or if we will be together. I do however want to be able to say I tried my very hardest to forgive and move forward. For anyone who is still reading this and hasn't read any of my previous ramblings I will give the condensed version of events leading me here to this site. Ive been with my husband for 12 years, married 10. Over the last 6 years since the birth of our son our sex life changed from infrequent to non existent, mostly due to ED/DE and my husbands lack of desire. My husband slowly became depressed, angry, not motivated, grumpy, volatile. we moved to the USA for work for 3 years. His demeaner got worse. He did an awful lot of binge drinking, treated me terribly. Didn't extend our social invites to me. Didn't ring me when he went out binge drinking until early hours. Everytime I nearly walked out there would be promises of change. I knew about my husbands fetish/porn use from previous accidental discoveries (which always ended in promises of infrequent use and not having it in the house). We moved back to Australia. 5 months ago I found a hard drive with 8500 recordings of mostly my husbands fetish on it. Female Body builders. Not many sexual acts, just flexing and posing. lots of amateur clips, webcam recordings. We installed accountability software (for a month). I read how porn use could cause ED so we tried intimacy which always ended in him finishing himself. 3 months later He returned from another work trip and accidently left his phone charging at home the next day. It was filled with websites from just one nights browsing. Herbicepscam, pornhub, facebook. My husband wasn't on any social media but he had created a secret account to fuel his addiction. He had secret emails, secret subscriptions. A completely secret double life. I was ready to leave But my husband had a breakdown in front of our 6 year old son and me. He tried to leave the house with my 6 year old hanging onto his legs crying for him not to leave. He later told me he was leaving to kill himself. Over the next few weeks I discovered (by playing detective) the extent of his deceit. He had managed to spend around a 1000 dollars a month on web cams. He had 11 real life encounters with fbbs for muscle worship sessions (not actual PIV sex, they flexed, he wanked). These encounters started on business trips and then he had 3 in our home town in his lunch hours. Ive had (I hope) full disclosure for 16 days now. Every sordid detail. I have had the trauma and indignity of internal exams and bloods for stds/aids. (ALL CLEAR). I am beyond distraught at my husbands behaviour. I'm slowly coming to terms with all details of his infidelity. My husband is showing true emotion for the first time in years. He is distraught at what he is putting me through. He is emotional without the anger. He is seeing a sex addict psychologist. He is finally being completely honest with me. He is trying to become the man I believed him to be. The father our son deserves. As long as he fights this, I will fight too. I am trying to deal with everything without collapsing on the floor in tears or unable to catch my breath. I saw a psychologist yesterday to try to help me deal with this trauma. I hope I can find the strength to begin to forgive my husband. I am taking comfort in the knowledge that there are people on here who have been through this hell. I hope I can offer insight or support to others if they need it. But mostly I just need an outlet for my emotions, whether anyone reads this or not. As my avatar says: THIS DAY. THIS MOMENT. THIS BREATH. ONE DAY AT A TIME. The future isn't promised but there is hope. I love my husband and my son and I'm clinging to that.