Sexuality confusion

Your good bro trust. It’s just that porn really messed up your brain. If you know that you really like women than that’s how it is. The rest are just thoughts that are in your head because of porn. I recommend you to read “The Brain that changes itself” it is really good and you will learn how the brain can change over time due to experiences and a lot more stuff. I am currently going through the same thing you are I’ve been having hocd thoughts for 4 years. And not until now I feel like I’m going back to normal. Abstaining from porn and stopping fantasy will cure you. Wish you the best and never quit bro. Cheers.

 

It's really not abnormal if you are gay or bi either you know. It's the 21st century.. really it's fine, it couldn't be less of a big deal. Why do you keep having thoughts you might be gay or bi? Your post says you like women, had a wt dream about a woman- were you masturbating to gay porn or something?

Here is a few quick questions, regarding men- do you have a crush or any feelings - sexual or other wise for any guys you know in real life?

Do you notice good looking guys in the street and feel aroused by them?

Or have you just been viewing gay porn?

As for still masturbating to photo's.... I'm going to blunt here but telling yourself you are weaning yourself off porn is just bullshit and you are lying to yourself.

You are a viewing a porn substitute and still masturbating to it- you are still giving your brain the dopamine fix - you are not going to heal while you are still gratifying yourself by artificial images online.

Sorry to be so blunt- but you really need to give up porn in all it's forms if you ever expect to heal.

"weaning" does not and will never work- it will only lead you to relapse to full blown porn.

 

Can anyone relate to me?

I started to watch porn when I was in 5th grade, so I was either 10 or 11 years old. I started watching lesbian porn from 5th to till now. I remember when I was in 5th grade I started to have dreams of having sex with my female teacher, she had blonde hair, blue eyes and a perfect body, and I enjoyed those dreams a lot. But then in 6th grade I had an experience with my friend. We didn't do anything to sexual, he touched my dick, and I believed I touched his, from what I remembered that I liked it, but then I started having these thoughts "Am I gay?" and that thought kept repeating 24/7 filled with anxiety, and the only thing that could relief that anxiety was porn. But then in the spring of 2006 I shared a kiss with this girl I liked, and it felt natural.

Then in 7th grade, I kept watching lesbian porn, but more straight porn now, and nothing to much happen when I was in 7th grade other then being a socially awkward kid that didn't know what was going on in my mind. But then in 8th grade was a little more weirder, I still watched straight porn, but then I found new stuff called crossdresser porn, and it turned me on, but I kept going back to it till one morning I found gay porn and got into that. But after watching crossdresser porn and gay porn, I felt this guilty regret feeling after watching it, but I also watched lesbian and straight porn when I was watching the crossdresser and gay porn videos.

When I went into 9th grade, I felt even more awkward and confused of who I was because of the videos, I knew I had an addiction to porn but I couldn't break it because it was consuming my life basically, and I couldn't tell anyone because I was embarrass because I had a porn addiction. But when I was in 9th I still watched gay porn, but I was more getting into crossdresser porn mainly, but still watched lesbian porn and straight porn. Then when I was in 10th grade I got into transgendered person porn, and by now my thoughts of me being gay were unbearable because I basically had no idea. But I kept watching lesbian porn to remind myself that I wasn't because I still watched lesbian and straight porn, but mainly watched gay, crossdresser and transgendered person porn.

Then when in 11th grade, I had my wisdom teeth removed, and I knew they were going to give me painkillers so I got addicted to painkillers to kill out my thoughts, and to block out my horrible childhood memories. And when I was getting addicted to the painkillers, I noticed that I didn't watch porn at all, and I was dating a girl that I liked a lot, but then when I was getting off the drugs I noticed my porn habit came back stronger, and my thoughts came back stronger, and when my porn habit came back I noticed I only watched transgendered person porn and that was it. Then I had a major surgery and then they prescribed me more painkillers, and this time my other addiction came back twice as strong. By then I found new videos these videos "femdom pov" "sissy hypno" and I realized that I shouldn't be looking at these specific videos because I knew they wouldn't be good for my problems.

Then in 12th grade after I finally kicked my other addiction to painkillers, I finally realized that I need to change how much I look at porn because I was watching an unhealthy amount like 3-4 days a day. But I still had porn addiction, but in 12th grade I just accepted that "Am I gay" were just thoughts and that it didn't mean anything. Then after I graduated high school I found another girlfriend who loved me a lot, and I loved her. We dated for at least two years, and we had sex which I enjoyed a lot and it felt natural. But then i was diagnosed with ocd and social anxiety disorder, and found out a form of ocd is HOCD (Homosexual OCD) which causes the person to have repeated thoughts about being gay. And that would make perfect sense, and too porn and OCD wouldn't mix well. But when I was with my ex, I got into sissy hypno, and femdom porn, which was a huge regret. it made my thoughts twice as bad, and some days those thoughts were not even there.

Then when I started college I met another girl and I fell head over heels for her, and she fell head over heels for me. Then after a few months of dating, we had sex (three times) and I enjoyed it because I felt really good about myself that I knew who I was and wasn't stressing over my thoughts but I still watched sissy hypno while I was with her. Then after a year of dating her, she was showing signs of borderline personality disorder, and she was refusing to get help. So I decided to end back in September 2017 it with her because I wanted her to get help but she was refusing, and she was cheating on me. Then I fell into a depressive state, and watched more porn I could imagine. But I decided to kick myself out of that depressive state, quit porn all together and went cold turkey, and started to talk to more friends and started to go for 6-8 mile runs, I felt really good, I could feel like I was getting my energy back, and my self-awareness back, and while I was exercising like that I noticed that I didn't need any form of porn to relax me and to take away my constant state of anxiety and mood swings.

But that all changed when it was too cold outside to go for a run (yes I could of done the elliptical) but I didn't, then I thought I can watch one video to see if I can control it without going for runs. Then it got bad again, same with my thoughts, I was watching more porn. And now my thoughts are trying to control my life, and trying to convince me that I am actually gay because I watched and still watch gay porn, transgendered person porn and that stuff. And I still watch lesbian/straight porn too. Now I am getting back in that mode to go for runs again, eat healthier, and distract my mind from my thoughts. And too once I kick this disgusting addiction, then I will know for sure if I am gay or not. I know being gay isn't wrong, but that doesn't fit me. I feel regret watching gay porn (and porn videos in that category).

Ps. Sorry if this is triggering for some people, but I need to get this out in the open, I am a open mind person.
I do have a few questions for anyone whose reading this.
1.) Does all of this sound like extreme porn addiction? Or am I really gay and in the closet?
2.) Is it normal for porn addicts to look at new categories of porn? Like for example, I always watched lesbian porn, but then in 8th grade I started to watch crossdresser/gay porn.? Is that common in porn addiction?
3.) Will I ever heal from all of this and have a normal health relationship with a women?
4.) Does small childhood experiences determine if a guy is gay or not?

 

You are Heavy addicted. A lot of work to do. But After Time you should be normal again. Please stop watching this bullshit.

 

Okay, and I stopped asking for reassurance because that just makes the OCD (intrusive thoughts) worse, but I am not gay, it's just that I am heavily addicted to pmo and all of that other bullshit?

 

I'm not an expert but I think porn addiction is the main reason.Somehow the more you give in to porn the more it controls you and takes you to places that you never liked before.. because there's no feeling of satisfaction with PMO until your lustful thoughts cannot be satisfied with straight porn anymore.. It then distorts your thinking towards your sexuality and you start to have that question in your mind. Please do your best to stay away from porn bro, totally abstain from it and hopefully as you progress you'll have the peace of mind regarding this issue. God bless on your journey!Stay Strong brother!

 

In my Eyes yes you are Not gay. You have Go for a Long reboot.

 

In my heart I know that I’m not gay, because outside of porn I find no men attractive (and I can say that without being hesitant about it)
Like when I was dating my two ex’s I had no problem getting turned on by them. But I still watched gay, transgendered person and sissy hypno, but I never stopped watching lesbian and straight porn.
But I know that I have a long reboot ahead of me, but I know that porn addiction ruined and significant increased my intrusive thoughts.
But I hope I have you guys to help me through this recovery process too.
Thanks for the advice!

 

Start a reboot and start a journal. Immediately.